To cut off a friend who regularly just stops talking to me?

[KindButDone]

Last weekend, a friend of mine (let’s call her B) was meant to come round, we’d made plans and I was looking forward to it. The day before, she just stopped talking to me. No message, no “sorry I can’t make it”, nothing. And it’s not the first time.

This is a recurring pattern. Every few months, she goes quiet, completely ghosts me and stays that way for weeks or even months. When she’s in these phases, she doesn’t pick up calls or reply to texts. Then eventually she resurfaces like nothing happened.

And the thing is, when we’re talking and good, we’re really good. We get on well, she’s kind and fun to be around. But this hot and cold cycle is starting to feel emotionally exhausting.

We’ve spoken about it multiple times. She always says sorry and promises it won’t happen again but here we are, again.

It’s not like we’ve had a falling out. There’s no explanation, just complete silence.

AIBU to think this is reason enough to cut ties? Or is this something I should be more understanding about? I’m all for giving people space but I also think basic communication is the bare minimum in a friendship. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

I had a friend who for years I considered my best friend (I was not her best friend, as she had many, but for me she was mine) and she used to do this regularly.

Every time she would resurface she would blame being depressed or her mental health. As someone who has suffered from chronic depression for all my life (I am 52) I would let her back in with love and understanding. And spend time trying to prop her up, help her etc

In 2021 she did it to me a final time. Before she went awol (we live a street away from each other) she attacked me verbally and in e-mails for having a husband, and a family and said many unforgiveable things about my personality, about my life choices, about the fact I own my own home (she does too, so it was a bit WTF) etc.

In the summer of this year she popped up again and said could we go for a drink. She'd been depressed. I said i had had enough of her flakiness and being a bloody punching bag and I hoped she was doing well, but I was not in a space where I could invest any more of my time of emotion in her.

The shit's hit the fan as a result tbh but also tbh I don't care anymore.

I just wouldn't bother. I'd block her now so that when she decided she'd contact me I didn't have to even read it.

I'd be done with the friendship.

Is it always triggered by an arranged met up that she flakes on, and then goes quiet afterwards?

I had/ have a friend like this and she was horrendously flaky about any organised events. I would estimate she dropped out of more than 50% last minute, not even saying anything, just going silent and not turning up. Then she'd go quiet and avoid contact because she knew we (friend group) would be pissed off. Eventually she'd resume contact and say she hadnt been feeling up to much, under the weather etc. But I think she liked the idea of going out but suddenly couldn't be bothered to put in the effort of getting there at the last minute. I don't think it was social anxiety (though who knows). As she would never say i have no idea. We're still in touch but I couldn't tell you the last time I saw her. It was too much effort and annoyance in the end.

If your friend is just going silent without any particular trigger then I'm really stumped. She may need mental health space but she should tell you that! As it seems so cold and rude otherwise.

"basic communication is the bare minimum in a friendship"

People are different in lots of ways, and opinions on how much communication is required in friendships in one of them.

If you aren't able, or don't want to adjust your expectations, then perhaps you just aren't compatible.

That’s interesting but in my case, no it’s not triggered by plans or a specific event. When we’re in touch, she’s often the one suggesting to hang out and she does actually follow through. We’ll talk regularly, she’ll come round, we’ll have a great time… and then, out of nowhere, radio silence. Not just for a day or two but sometimes weeks or months. No context, no “I need space”, nothing. And then eventually she’ll pop up again like nothing happened. I’d understand if it was anxiety, burnout or anything else but it’s the lack of communication or even basic acknowledgement that’s wearing me down.

No, be kind to yourself and cut this woman out of your life. She has you walking on eggshells, trying to figure out what you've done. She knows that - she gets your messages and knows you're upset.

She's abusive and blows hot and cold, knowing how terrible you feel as a result.

Tbh the fact she doesn't do it to other people is very telling.

She treats you poorly because you, so far, accept it.

I'd walk away.

When she comes back again, tell her you prefer not to resume the friendship because you are too old for this shit.

Ghost her. She’s offered no explanation and she’s treated you like shit.

And then eventually she’ll pop up again like nothing happened. I

and you welcome her back and all goes on as normal “like nothing happened”

I had a friend like this! I cut her off as I just couldn’t handle the disappointment. I did it to protect myself. It is quite possible they haven’t given me a second thought all these years later. I still occasionally find myself mourning the friendship, as like you say when it was good it was really good and I valued her friendship.

For me, it would depend how much I valued her. If I loved her I’d l forgive her, if she was just a bit if company I might not bother.

If she only does it to you then I would end the friendship. No question. If it’s only you then it’s clearly not a MH issue.

Good for you Fourseasons, well done!

And OP, I'd just be done with your flaky friend, ignore or block (personally I'd block just so I'm not tempted to see how long before she gets back in touch) and move on. If her 'friendship' doesn't even extend to basic good manners then really, what are losing? Lurching from one ghosting to the next with a brief period of normality in between, you're worth more than that.

I’m definitely the ‘flaky’ friend, though I wouldn’t ever just not show, but my whole life I’ve cancelled plans last minute and I never really understood why, I’d just get overwhelmed and stressed and it would all just be too much. It’s only since I got diagnosed with autism that I’m finally able to make sense of why I feel the way I do. I WANT to see my friends, I WANT to do things, but something stops me. It has cost me friendships and that makes me sad, not that I blame them, I’ve just finally learned to stop blaming myself too.

@KindButDone she's treating you like shit

Don't engage further

I'm really sorry that you're having this experience

When she tries to start talking to you again just completely ghost her like she's done to you. Don't reply at all, or just block her.

You are not a priority to her. You get treated how you allow yourself to be treated I’m afraid. Time to turn your back on this friendship

@KindButDone YANBU and life is too short for this crap so get rid. Also it's probably the last thing she'll expect you to do and should give her an hell of a shock, which would be a bonus.

This sounds to me like someone who’s mentally unwell. Bouts of depression where the thought of responding to a message is just too much. If she’s otherwise a good friend I’d accept it.

Bit of a reach here. The OP clearly said she (the friend) comes back like nothing happened, not that she (OP) acts like nothing happened. And she already said they’ve spoken about it multiple times. Why twist what was said?

I thought this, too, but then OP said that she doesn't treat other people like this. She stays in touch with them.

So it really sounds as though the "friend" is just being an arse to OP.

I have friends that go quiet when their mental health plummets, they go in on themselves. But I understand that of them and I generally know they’re in a bad patch and support them when they come back out. Could it be mental health related??

I’m not like your friend generally but I have a friend who would say I do the same to her.

I like her a lot but find her difficult to spend lots of time with in a short space of time. She has lots of drama with friends and family, which is all we talk about when we meet up. That’s ok but I have to be in a very good place to spend time with her without it getting too much. I tend to pull back a bit when I need space.

When she’s asked I’ve given similar reasons to your friend, they aren’t total lies because if I’m feeling a bit stressed and down I won’t see her. It feels to cruel to tell her outright and I wouldn’t know how to approach it.

I’m just giving another perspective on a similar friendship and that may not apply at all to you OP. Maybe try to give your friend some space and see what happens, you don’t have to decide to cut her out just leave it open and let it develop naturally.

I was going to say talk to her about it until I read you’ve already done that.

but the clincher is that it’s just you… frankly fuck that, not acceptable and certainly not a person you should direct your energy to.