To cut off a friend who regularly just stops talking to me?

[KindButDone]

Last weekend, a friend of mine (let’s call her B) was meant to come round, we’d made plans and I was looking forward to it. The day before, she just stopped talking to me. No message, no “sorry I can’t make it”, nothing. And it’s not the first time.

This is a recurring pattern. Every few months, she goes quiet, completely ghosts me and stays that way for weeks or even months. When she’s in these phases, she doesn’t pick up calls or reply to texts. Then eventually she resurfaces like nothing happened.

And the thing is, when we’re talking and good, we’re really good. We get on well, she’s kind and fun to be around. But this hot and cold cycle is starting to feel emotionally exhausting.

We’ve spoken about it multiple times. She always says sorry and promises it won’t happen again but here we are, again.

It’s not like we’ve had a falling out. There’s no explanation, just complete silence.

AIBU to think this is reason enough to cut ties? Or is this something I should be more understanding about? I’m all for giving people space but I also think basic communication is the bare minimum in a friendship. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

I’m in exactly the same boat with a friend going quiet on me. I am sorry it is happening to you too.

I’ve come to the conclusion that she just doesn’t have time for me and I need to work harder at making new friendships. I do miss her though.

Honestly OP, where is your self-esteem?
Stop engaging.
Seek answeras to why you would tolerate this?
Dunp het.

I have a friend like this. She's great fun when she's on form, but has pretty severe mental health problems that mean she will often go incommunicado for long periods, and is completely unreliable when it comes to plans.

The only kind of friendship she is able to have is one she picks up and drops off according to her state of mind.

Since I know that about her, I know not to rely on her for anything, and can enjoy the good times if and when they happen, without the expectation that ours is going to be a consistent or mutually supportive close friendship.

Any time I make plans with her I know there's at least a 70% chance she will bail for one reason or another. Knowing that, I have no qualms about cancelling on her if a better offer comes up, even if it's at short notice. That way we can maintain a friendship without my feeling resentful about all the times she flakes.

That is weird. I go through phases of being more or less chatty but if I have arranged to meet someone I will meet them unless someone dies. Also I don’t ignore conversations I just initiate fewer. Ghosting sounds like you say stuff and she ignores it. I don’t respond to all posts from everyone though. Some people have unrealistic expectations of social media. If a friend really wants to talk to me I expect her to pick up the phone or send me a message asking for my input not just put something vague on Facebook or WhatsApp and get upset if I don’t “like”it

If the OP hadn't said she's the only one the friend does it to I'd have agreed.

However, treating one friend like shit is an active choice, not ill health.

i asked whether the op talks to her friend about the radio silence for months and she said she mentions it but doesn’t pursue.

and this has been going on for years.

so fairly reasonable presumption that the friend ignores the op for months, then pops up, the op makes a brief enquiry, the friend dismisses the question…. And they move on. Until… next time. And next time.

Perhaps the friend has done it to others in the past, and when she’s popped up again the ghosted person has said “unless you have damn good reason for ghosting me for the last few months, then I’m afraid I’m done with being friends with you”

Me too.

It's happened a few times in the past (known her for over 20 years) and in this case she does do it to other people too.

However this time, it's one time too many for me. I'll be polite and friendly if we meet up in a group; but I won't be making any efforts to meet up individually ever.

It is hurtful, especially as she had been a really close friend. But heyho, you cannot control other people - only your reaction to their actions.

You could perhaps forgive this as a once off, but repeatedly NO.
You teach people how to treat you and you have taught her that you'll keep putting up with it.
Time to bin her.

You had actual plans to see her and she just ghosted you and didn't turn up? That's so rude and inconsiderate. That would be the final straw for me and I wouldn't contact her again. If she pops up again, I'd ignore her in the same way that she ignores you.

If she's still talking and seeing other people, it isn't a mental health issue, just a selfishness and lack of manners issue.

If she really only does it to you, maybe it's because she doesn't enjoy you company that much and flakes when she gets a better offer. Or just can't always face making the effort. Could account for the vagueness of her explanations? Still rude, of course.

You are allowed your own boundaries OP. It sounds like you've told her how her behaviour makes you feel and given her a chance to explain, and she’s continuing to do it anyway. I’m all for being mature and trying to talk about things rather than ghosting, but you’ve already tried that, so I’d just phase her out now. Either block altogether, or just reply very sparingly and don’t agree to meet up again.

I do understand when people say their mental health makes if hard for them to reply/meet up, as I’ve been there, but equally these people have to understand that the mental wellbeing of the person they’re ignoring can also be affected by this behaviour, and they have the right to say - I wish you well, but enough is enough.

This relationship sounds broken. This person is selectively choosing to blank you and not others and continues to post on her SM.

that's no way to treat a friend and you deserve better.

it sounds like they don't care about you and don't value you as a person. The fact you've put up with it for years is telling. Maybe you don't feel you deserve better, but you really do.

time to see it for what it is, a friendship in name only and not worth pursuing,

I would take my time answering her messages, leaving longer periods, see if that galvanises her. If you can be arsed, that is!

Thanks. I talked about the situation often on MN over the years as i had found it so hurtful. It was reading thousands of threads on MN that helped me to stand up for myself.

It’s the fact she only does this with you that stands out. Her explanations are not great either.
I’d step away from this friendship. The dynamics are awful.

But chances are she has done it to others in the past

but they’ve haven’t accepted her back time and time again

FourSeasonsLobelia

In what way has "the shit hit the fan"? Surely she isn't complaining since its her on/off flakiness and bizarre ranting that's to blame? How on earth does she justify her appalling behaviours?

Good for you for saying Enough. 👏

Oh just the usual sort of thing- we live in a small town and she is slagging me off to all and sundry. Sent me a nasty text saying how disappointed she was in me for not understanding she had MH issue and I was a selfish bitch. Told people I am two faced and have betrayed her. She's meant to be godmother to my older child and she saw us in the street and told him she'd take him to a concert 'without your mother' while not even looking at me in the eye.

She does not like to be thwarted, basically. I grey rock her. But we have a few mutual friends and they shrug it off as they have seen it all before. As one said, it's just my turn to incur her wrath.

Thing is, every time she would fall off the radar and decide to ignore me it would absolutely devastate me and I would turn myself into knots trying to understand what I had 'done wrong'. Now I see her for what she is and I genuinely don't care.

I’m going through this with a friend right now. The thought of ghosting or blocking him is just too upsetting :(

These “small towns” I read about on mumsnet sound like my idea of hell on earth. Cant imagine adults having the time or inclination to possibly engage in this kind of nonsense

So you had plans and she just literally didn’t show up and hasn’t contacted you since? Given her previous form for this and that you’re the only person she does this to, I’d grasp the nettle and take control back, rather than wait until she decides she wants you in her life again. She sounds downright rude.

Text her “I’m assuming as you didn’t show up last weekend or tell me you weren’t coming that you’re in one your phases of ignoring me again. This isn’t the type of friendship I want in my life so I whilst I wish you well, I won’t be responding if and when you decide to speak to me again”.

So why isn’t she behaving like this with other people? It’s only you, for whatever reason.
I just wouldn’t bother with her. No need for any drama, don’t be there when she finally decides to contact you.

I gave up on a friend like this. We’d been friends for 10 years. When we spent time together, we had fun, but she would disappear for months then suddenly come back. I think, in retrospect, she had narcissistic tendencies. She’d disappear when she was in a new relationship (got a new supply) but keep me around for the brief period (usually around 2 weeks) before she met someone new. I gave up on her when my Mum was dying and she just wasn’t there for me. I just stopped engaging. Changed my number (not because of her specifically!). I missed her for a while but I realised it’s placing low value on yourself to continue to spend time with someone who doesn’t prioritise you.

I’ve got close friends and we have periods of low contact, no contact or high contact. It’s a mutual thing though and nobody is being stood up or intentionally ignored. We are very close and like sisters, so just pick up from where we where