To give or not to give DD the money…

[Youdontseehow]

That is the question!

We came into a bit of money 2 years ago - 100k. We decided to give DS and DD 40k each to get on the property ladder. DS bought a flat about 15 months ago using the whole 40k as deposit.

DD (26) is aiming to buy a flat with her BF (boyfriend) at the start of next year when both their LISAs can be accessed.

BF will have 20k so they’ve decided it’s fairer to both just put in 20k each as deposit. DD has 10k in her LISA plus the other 30k in my bank account.

She’s now asking if she can have that 30k transferred to her so she can put it in her own high interest account.

So here is our dilemma (DH and I). DD is a bit of a spendaholic. She loves buying things for others too - random gifts, flowers etc. But she has been slightly better recently eg “only” spending £100 online for clothes instead of the £200 she wanted to spend. She’s also started diarising money in/money out sort of thing.

I want to just give her the money as earlier discussed (although we thought it would all be going into property deposit) with the caveat that if she’s fritters it away, she’s getting no more from us (she knows we have significant savings ourselves). DH however doesn’t want her “wasting money on shit” and for us to keep it until she’s actually bought a flat so she can use it for fees, furnishings etc.

What do you think? would you give her the money now or keep control of it? (I’ll try to put it in a AIBU format!)

YABU - she was promised the money and she should be trusted to spend it wisely

YANBU - she’ll fritter it away so keep control over it

Honestly… I cannot see a situation where your relationship wouldn’t suffer if you didn’t give it to her.

Ive voted YANBU as very likely to fritter it away but I think it comes down to the original offer, did you offer the kids £40k each for a deposit, or did you just offer them £40k each. If the later I assume you would have already given them it. If the former, then no, keep hold of it. I’d also be trying to get them to consider putting the whole £40k down and changing the % of ownership.

She's 26. If I were her I would not see your desire to control her finances as positive. If she is old enough to buy a house, she is old enough to decide what she wants to do with the money. If she's kept the 10k in the LISA she can't be too bad.

If you’ve told her she’s getting it and her brother has had his, I don’t see how you can withhold it without a fall out.
If it’s not spent on what you want, there’s little you can do. But yes, tell her there isn’t going to be further money (only if you really mean this)

@Zapx - yes, I agree

@WasherWoman25 - it was stipulated that we’d use it to get them on the property ladder

@Hereward1332 - yes I agree I shouldn’t be controlling her finances . LISA account is in her name but was set up in the app with only me able to access the account as I was worried she’d take money out/lose the benefit. But she has matured over the past 2 years.

I would advise her to use the whole 40k for her deposit but use a Declaration of Trust or something (don't really know how it's done in the UK) to ringfence her higher contribution to the deposit should they split one day. That higher deposit will make a big difference to future repayments and then of course there's no risk of it being wasted on anything else.

If you offered her the money to help her getting on the housing ladder, then I don’t think there is anything wrong in sticking to that if you choose to. Is she averse to buying the flat as tenants in common, with ownership based on the percentage of deposit put into it? Or having a contract drawn up such that in the event of splitting up if they sell the place, the amount each of them put in is ring-fenced.

Obviously unwise if you have concerns about the housing market where they are planning to buy, but if not, that seems like a sensible solution and has the added bonus of lowering their mortgage payments a little.

Well if you've made it Crystal clear to her that if she blows it you won't be giving her more then you should give it.

How else is she going to learn? If she fritters it she'll learn a valuable lesson.

She is an adult. It’s that simple.

I would speak to her and get her and BF to agree that her extra [(Edit) 20k 30k as she has 10k saved ]is invested in the property and ring fenced to go back to her if the relationship breaks down.

And as she is the one who may loose out by growing any babies she needs to have a long talk with him about how they each see /plan for the financial relationship develop.

So her entire house deposit is coming from money that you have gifted her? At 26, she has none of her own savings? So you’re probably not wrong that she is a spendaholic.

I said YABU because you’ve promised her the money so you should just give it to her, it’s not your problem if she does fritter it away. But now that I’m thinking about it more, this is not money that she is entitled to, it’s a gift and you can put whatever conditions you like on it. So I can kind of see it from both sides.

@FullLondonEye @CuriousKangaroo we’ve discussed that but she doesn’t want to which makes me worry she just wants so easy spending cash.

@Gonk123 @BMW6 yeah my rational side agrees with this

@TappyGilmore she did have a small amount of savings (she’s not long out Uni and started her first job in April) and used it to upgrade her car. But she’s definitely more of a spender than saver whereas I am the opposite.

Yanbu. It was to get on the housing ladder, so it keep it for that. Otherwise i can grauntee you later down the line she will be asking for a loan from bank of mum & dad which isnt fair on your son.

This.

She’s 26 you need to remove the tight grip and allow her to succeed or fail on her own.

This.
can you sit down and talk to her about it? Or will it end in arguments.
shes an adult and your saying she’s not trustworthy, whilst her brother is.

Firstly she’s going to need money for solicitors, surveys and stamp duty; does she have that put aside as well?

Secondly, to the person saying “she hasn’t spent her LISA”. LISAs can only be spent on housing/pension, or you lose the government input, so it doesn’t necessarily prove she’s good at saving.

Thirdly, why not invest it all in the property? She & her bf can go as tenants in common with the percentage that they put in legally agreed that they’d get that back, and adjust the amount they each contribute to the mortgage accordingly.

For example, if the mortgage payments would have been £1k per month (or £500 each) without the additional money and it becomes £900 per month with it; the bf still pays £500 and she pays £400.

Seems daft to be paying interest on a mortgage when she doesn’t need to be.

This. Put all of £40k into deposit but ringfenced her £40 if she should split from boyfriend in future. That £40k will mean lower payments every month for her. If you've give your son his money I think you have to give DD hers too but get it protected legally.

Ah, that puts a slightly different slant on things. While she is an adult and should make her own decisions, if investing in property was a stipulation of receiving this gift then it's perfectly reasonable to insist that's what she does with it. She won't like it but in the end it's not her own, earned money, she's very lucky to receive it and her reluctance to use it in the most sensible manner possible doesn't look good.

Do they have money set aside for the costs of moving? I am due to complete on my house sale and purchase next week and would estimate costs around 5k between stamp duty, solicitor, estate agent fees and movers

Some people are spenders. Some are savers. Just because she’s not the same one as you shouldn’t mean you get to control her at 26 years old. She’s old enough to decide if she wants to fritter it away or not.

same with all the people asking if she’s factored in stamp duty and moving costs. She’s an adult buying with her boyfriend presumably through an estate agent with a bank and a solicitor involved. If they’ve got this far they’re doing a great job adulting on their own. Stop infantilising them and leave them too it!

THIS

If you said it was for a property deposit then it seems fair to hold her to that. Otherwise the most likely scenario is that she'll spend the other £20k on decorating/furnishing the house to the boyfriend's advantage (money he doesn't have to contribute)and yet if they split up, she'd only get the £20k back.

I think I would say it’s for the house. It either gets put in the house or it stays put. It makes no sense for her to be given the cash. That wasn’t an option for her brother. She will waste it. There’s no logical reason for it not to be put in you the house in a protected way. At least if they breaks up her equity will then be enough to buy another house. And they’ll pay less in interest, I wouldn’t give her it unless it’s all going in to the mortgage

Either you give her the money free and clear or don’t. You can’t dictate how she spends it.