To give or not to give DD the money…

[Youdontseehow]

That is the question!

We came into a bit of money 2 years ago - 100k. We decided to give DS and DD 40k each to get on the property ladder. DS bought a flat about 15 months ago using the whole 40k as deposit.

DD (26) is aiming to buy a flat with her BF (boyfriend) at the start of next year when both their LISAs can be accessed.

BF will have 20k so they’ve decided it’s fairer to both just put in 20k each as deposit. DD has 10k in her LISA plus the other 30k in my bank account.

She’s now asking if she can have that 30k transferred to her so she can put it in her own high interest account.

So here is our dilemma (DH and I). DD is a bit of a spendaholic. She loves buying things for others too - random gifts, flowers etc. But she has been slightly better recently eg “only” spending £100 online for clothes instead of the £200 she wanted to spend. She’s also started diarising money in/money out sort of thing.

I want to just give her the money as earlier discussed (although we thought it would all be going into property deposit) with the caveat that if she’s fritters it away, she’s getting no more from us (she knows we have significant savings ourselves). DH however doesn’t want her “wasting money on shit” and for us to keep it until she’s actually bought a flat so she can use it for fees, furnishings etc.

What do you think? would you give her the money now or keep control of it? (I’ll try to put it in a AIBU format!)

YABU - she was promised the money and she should be trusted to spend it wisely

YANBU - she’ll fritter it away so keep control over it

@Pregnancyquestion I suppose that I view house deposit money as different from other
savings. I can’t fathom how anyone given money for a deposit would fritter it away when the alternative is paying rent indefinitely with nothing at the end of it.

Feelings and behaviours about money are often ingrained and have been formed from an early age. OP’s daughter is clearly serious about getting the flat, but I just don’t think she’s going to do a 360° pivot and not spend any of that £20k on treats that may be coming her way soon.

Hi all. Been out this afternoon so just catching up.

Thanks for everyone’s input.

For a bit more context - where she is looking, her and BF will get a decent flat for £150k - so no stamp duty, fairly low-ish fees and a £40k deposit will mean a mortgage of only £110k which is fine on what her and BF earn. Initial discussions were “we are giving you money to use as a deposit for a flat” rather than “here is a gift of 40k”.

The poll is a bit more towards giving her the money and if she does fritter it then that’s on her.

I think I’m just going to give her it but remind/reinforce that this is it - while I’d never see her on the streets, there will be no further big sums of money. I appreciate that we are lucky to be able to do this and she does appreciate she is lucky to be getting it.

But yeah, thanks for everyone’s input.

I'd be worried she and the boyfriend have discussed having all that lovely extra money and what "they", not just she can do with it. I'd put it away in a high interest account on her behalf, give it to her in 5 years when she will have had 5 years of paying a mortgage and living with him (or finding out she cannot) to realise the huge windfall such an amount is and use it sensibly.

But, your money your choice of course.

@Whatsallthisthen2025 So she can’t be trusted with large sums of money until she’s 31?

Correct.

I will be gifting my DD a sum. It will specifically be for a deposit. If she wants to use a small amount for a lovely holiday that’s fine but it’s not for general savings.

I don’t really care for the ‘you shouldn’t be controlling her spending’. In that case she won’t need a contribution from me for anything.

If she does end up splitting up with her boyfriend she would probably find it a lot easier to set up on her own with the 40K plus equity paid off from the mortgage than the 20K plus. That's an extra dimension to consider.

@Whatsallthisthen2025 Why do you think that she won’t be able to manage money until she’s in her 30’s? Surely most of us start doing this in our 20’s.

L

OP has made it clear she believes she won't and she's not you. I have responded based on the information given not a random "most people" scenario.

No need for follow up questions.

@Whatsallthisthen2025 😂

Suggest she put 20k into a private pension?

I’ve said YANBU because you told your Dc the money was for a deposit. What she should do is pay £40k towards the deposit and her DP pay his £10k but own the house as Tenants in Common in shares that reflect the deposit. She’s paid 80% and he’s paid 20% of a £50k deposit. They both benefit from having a better mortgage rate with a bigger deposit meaning their repayments are lower thus giving them a higher disposable income.
If they then both pay half the mortgage, should they split up she will receive 80% of any equity and he will receive 20%.

Even if you give the money to her after she's bought the property (like your DH suggests), there's no guarantee she will use it on house related expenses. So I'd either -

1. just give it to her now. Make clear no more is forthcoming. However she uses it its her business and you have to make peace with it. You've treated your children equally and that's the main thing
2. say you wanted to gift the money specifically for house buying purposes, and you'd give it to her to use as deposit only (even if it means the total deposit your youngest and her partner will be paying is 60k instead of the anticipated 40k)

You did make your other child use it for deposit, so I'd say option 2 might be more of a fair option?

I can’t see her partner going for that. He pays half the mortgage and gets 20% of the equity? I wouldn’t accept that. In the event of a sale they each get their money back and any additional equity is split 50/50.

Anyway @Youdontseehow it appears you promised both your kids a house deposit so that’s what she gets, just like her brother did. The amount is a side issue.

Yes, this exactly. Plus the PPs suggestion of putting a declaration of trust in place to protect your DDs higher contribution to the house.

I was in a slightly similar situation years ago where I helped a family member buy a house using my share of inheritance- I was adamant that my financial contribution be put towards the property purchase (with a declaration of trust to protect it) she was making with her partner. At the time she made noises about preferring to have a chunk of it left in cash. Well, 8 years later when she and ex partner had sadly separated and she had a young child, she was glad of having a larger share of money invested in the property that she could use to buy somewhere on her own rather than having just frittered the money as she later admitted she probably would have done!

Agree that wouldn’t be fair. The only fair way to do it is to protect the actual sums paid as the deposit in the Declaration of trust , but future property price growth should be split 50-50.

I would remind her that the money was for the deposit on the flat. I would also discuss with her that she needs a deed of trust to protect her initial outlay. Your focusing on her wasting a few hundred pounds spending money on shit. I'd be more worried about her not protecting her initial investment if its bigger than her BF. She also need to consider if they are joint tenants or tenants in common. Who will her share of the house go to in event of her death? Does she wantbut to go directly to her BF the co owner of the property or the person in her will. When people are all loved up the think it's always going to be happy, happy, happy. We know that's no always the case. Having a set plan on eventbof separation is important.

I'd strongly advise her to use some of it to go to a solicitor - her and her bf can put in different amounts but draw up an agreement to protect their respective shares in the event of a split. It's better invested in property rather than potentially being frittered away.

And no I don't think you can deny access to money you've promised someone because you don't like how they may spend it. You can tell them that you wanted to gift it to secure their future and have made sacrifices to do this (like if you could have retired a couple of years earlier or paid off a mortgage or something) so please please ensure that she uses it to improve her future and invests it

I Would only give her the money for a deposit. As others have said she then ring fences her deposit .

Because people are different. I’m a saver, always have been. That money would be untouched, even if I was 12, 20, 26.

But my siblings would fritter it away.

We had the same upbringing.

I would insist that the entire 40k is put towards house deposit , even if her bf is still adding 20k. That way their mortgage will significantly reduce.
You told her the money was to be used to help to get on the property ladder, there is no need for it to sit in her savings account.

Yes, I agree - every penny should go into the deposit and she can ringfence it.

If she does fritter it.

but you said to her the money was for her deposit. If its's frittered on holidays, meals out, etc you could have kept it and spent it on yourself for all the good it does.

And if it is frittered.. is the BF going to turn up with a bigger deposit? You'll be under pressure to help them out again.. Oh but we can't buy the flat now.. etc.

I think you should repeat to her that its for the deposit and she can have it then.