To give or not to give DD the money…

[Youdontseehow]

That is the question!

We came into a bit of money 2 years ago - 100k. We decided to give DS and DD 40k each to get on the property ladder. DS bought a flat about 15 months ago using the whole 40k as deposit.

DD (26) is aiming to buy a flat with her BF (boyfriend) at the start of next year when both their LISAs can be accessed.

BF will have 20k so they’ve decided it’s fairer to both just put in 20k each as deposit. DD has 10k in her LISA plus the other 30k in my bank account.

She’s now asking if she can have that 30k transferred to her so she can put it in her own high interest account.

So here is our dilemma (DH and I). DD is a bit of a spendaholic. She loves buying things for others too - random gifts, flowers etc. But she has been slightly better recently eg “only” spending £100 online for clothes instead of the £200 she wanted to spend. She’s also started diarising money in/money out sort of thing.

I want to just give her the money as earlier discussed (although we thought it would all be going into property deposit) with the caveat that if she’s fritters it away, she’s getting no more from us (she knows we have significant savings ourselves). DH however doesn’t want her “wasting money on shit” and for us to keep it until she’s actually bought a flat so she can use it for fees, furnishings etc.

What do you think? would you give her the money now or keep control of it? (I’ll try to put it in a AIBU format!)

YABU - she was promised the money and she should be trusted to spend it wisely

YANBU - she’ll fritter it away so keep control over it

Thing is you can tell she isn’t thinking about this money right because she doesn’t want to bring now the interest and rates by paying more and ring fencing.

She’s gone. Oh mums giving me 40k. 20 house and 20 spends on shit wooo

Did your son get the option of having the money for something other than the deposit? In my opinion they should both have the same options - if the deal is 40k for a deposit with no other option then that's what they both get. Up to DD if she chooses to only take half.
If your son didn't have the option of frittering away the 40k instead, I can't see how it's fair that DD can.

I wouldn’t want to transfer it and then watch £40k be drained but if she does then so be it. It’s her loss at the end of the day.

The money is for a deposit though which should be gifted at the time it’s needed.

Tricky, I do think it depends on how you've framed the discussions about this money.

My kids are a few years younger than yours. We have told them that when the time seems right, there will be money available to them (similar sort of amount to yours) for a house deposit or they can use it to pay for more education or to pay off student loans. They can choose. They could possibly make a case for some other use of the money. But they won't be expecting us to just hand it over for spending. It's not their money.

I’m 37 and if my mum gave me 40k I’d be frittering. Borrowing myself money from it for some ‘essential’ like a holiday lol. She knows her daughter. Just because yours is good at managing money doesn’t mean everyone is.

God I wish someone would give me 40k to teach me a lesson that once it’s gone it gone. lol.

I personally would insist it's put into property but has to be ring fenced by the solicitor e.g. higher % stake in the house. I wouldn't want to give her £20,000 that she could fritter away.

Nope, it's for a deposit.

If she doesn't want to put the whole 40k into her property, the rest is not hers to do as she wants with.

If in the future she wants to buy a new house, you can offer her the rest of the money then.

You have already given the money to your son, so I think you are morally obliged to give a similar sum to your daughter and let her decide how to use it.

Agree she would be better to ring fence a higher amount as deposit.

The danger with 30k in the bank is that your DD pays for the roof to be repaired, the new kitchen, all the new furnishings, the holidays.

But if they split none of this is likely to count for more when dividing things up, especially if it hasn't increased in value.

While obviously everyone hopes they don't split and live happily together, it should be considered.

Can you have a proper chat to her outlining the potential issues?

Well, no; if we’re bringing morals into it - the Dd would be morally obliged to use it for a house deposit, as originally agreed.
Personally, I don’t think it’s a moral issue.

She’s 26, at what age do you think you should stop having control of the money and let her decide what to do?

OP stipulates that the whole purpose of the money was to get them on the housing ladder so that is either the £20k to match her partner or £40k and she ringfences her higher amount legally. OP does get to dictate how the money is spent, one because it is her money and it was a condition of having the money that it was for a deposit.

Look, my children are savers, have LISAs and Ds1 is putting the majority of his salary into the LISA or ISAs but my friend's DD was given a lump sum of money for both a house deposit and to pay a smaller amount for her wedding. She blew the whole lot on the wedding. She is 5 years down the line now and owning a house is slipping further away. Every time the DD saves some money for a house deposit they blow it. My friend is devastated over it, they saved really hard for years to be able to give their DD this money and it was all on bling and having a good time. The DD is also upset about not owning a house and I point out she had the money and chose a 1 day party. Her younger sister bought a house last year because she didn't blow all the money given to her.

She’s 26, it’s wrong to financially control her. She’s a fully grown adult and needs to make her own choices and mistakes. It must be shit for her knowing how little faith her own parents have in her, even when she’s been open with them about making an effort to spend less than she would have once done.

I would suggest that she puts it all into the house. A legal Agreement recognising that they each get their deposit value back first and split any equity gained 50:50 assuming they make equal mortgage payments is fair.

Or make it conditional in putting it into an investment vehicle with difficult withdrawal periods. That would also benefit her long term if she ends up taking time off work to raise a family as her pension will suffer. It would also give her a nest egg should the relationship go south so that she could buy out the ex.

Personally I would say that the money is for a deposit on a house, so you’ll invest it until she moves again if she doesn’t need it now.

So much depends on her, her personality and your relationship. I’d be minded to keep it and say the excess is for furniture etc or her wedding if she were to marry in future.

If she kicks off I would give it to her but be clear - that’s the lot. Or have you saved separately to help with weddings?

This is a gift with strings attached, and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s free to reject it if she wants.

Her issue, should she have one, can only be that you want proof she’s abiding by the condition when you didn’t ask your son for proof. I would have no qualms telling her that you didn’t need proof from DS because he’s not spendthrift, and that you do from her because she is. If she doesn’t like it, she can reject the gift.

Doesn’t matter whether she’s 26, 16 or 46. It’s entirely your right to do whatever you want with you money.

I think the 40K was for a deposit so unless she uses it for a deposit you should keep it invested. If she only wants a 20K deposit keep 20K invested and tell her she can have it (and the interest) when she moves/upsizes.

If she does decide to put the 40K into the property I think you should leave it to her to decide if she ringfences her share or wants her and her partner to own the flat equally. Wanting to own the property equally is probably why she doesn't want to put more in. You could point out the benefits of ringfencing and that if they later marry it will all be in the pot but protects your daughters funds in the short term. If she doesn't want to ring fence it at least it reduces their mortgage payments and stops it all being wasted.

oh yeah, getting £40k free to use as a deposit must be utterly shit for her, my heart's bleeding.

Again, it's not 'financially controlling' her because IT'S NOT HER MONEY. OP is allowed to control HER OWN money. If she gives her the £40k no restrictions then suddenly the DS would be entitled to complain that OP was 'financially controlling' to him, because he was only given the money on the condition he spent it on buying a property.

I see this a lot on MN: parent inherits money; they are the beneficiary—not the child. Parent promises to gift some in the future, and for whatever reason it doesn’t happen. Child feels hard done by that they don’t get “their” money, even though they weren’t ever the beneficiary in the will. Can we please stop doing this?

Anyway, DD was promised £40k for a house deposit. It is her choice not to accept the full amount. If she wants to accept £20k; so be it. You did not promise £40k for savings or general spending—the recipient of a gift of a property deposit cannot move the goalposts. If she were my DD, I’d be advising her to deposit the full £40k and take a bigger stake of the property ownership.

I'm afraid I really wouldn't do that. I'd only hand it over when it's going straight into a property. It's not for her to decide what to do with it, particularly as she's so bad with money.

I was trying to give a different view point from the daughter’s perspective. Nobody is suggesting the money is shit, calm down.

For those who feel stipulating the use of the money is controlling, would it not depend upon the wording?

@Youdontseehow did you tell your children you would give them a deposit for a house or did you tell them you'd give them 40k? It makes a difference, no?

Whether your daughter is good with money or not, if the point of the money is and always was, clearly stated, for a deposit on a house but your daughter only wishes to pay 20k as her deposit (in which case, given that she has the option to make a far more sensible decision, she certainly isn't to be trusted with money), then you don't have to give her any less than you gave your son. You can put the rest into high interest savings so she can use it in the future when she wishes to upsize or if they were to split and she wanted to buy again on her own, or even if she wishes to buy an investment property. Either way the money is safe from being wasted and it's fair on both children.

I think that treating your kids equally with gifts is always the fair way to go, regardless of reservations, because of the resentment that can build. Also that having a conversation with her that you would like the rest of the money to be put towards a house deposit and (somehow) sensitively saying if she blows the £20k that’s it. Of course tell her about the declaration of trust thing.

But if I’m being really honest (from the perspective of someone who’s a spender at heart), I think there’s a high probability she’ll blow that £20k or at least some of it when it’s so easily accessible to her. It may sound trite, but you have to let her make her own mistakes.