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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give or not to give DD the money…

149 replies

Youdontseehow · 19/09/2025 11:34

That is the question!

We came into a bit of money 2 years ago - 100k. We decided to give DS and DD 40k each to get on the property ladder. DS bought a flat about 15 months ago using the whole 40k as deposit.

DD (26) is aiming to buy a flat with her BF (boyfriend) at the start of next year when both their LISAs can be accessed.

BF will have 20k so they’ve decided it’s fairer to both just put in 20k each as deposit. DD has 10k in her LISA plus the other 30k in my bank account.

She’s now asking if she can have that 30k transferred to her so she can put it in her own high interest account.

So here is our dilemma (DH and I). DD is a bit of a spendaholic. She loves buying things for others too - random gifts, flowers etc. But she has been slightly better recently eg “only” spending £100 online for clothes instead of the £200 she wanted to spend. She’s also started diarising money in/money out sort of thing.

I want to just give her the money as earlier discussed (although we thought it would all be going into property deposit) with the caveat that if she’s fritters it away, she’s getting no more from us (she knows we have significant savings ourselves). DH however doesn’t want her “wasting money on shit” and for us to keep it until she’s actually bought a flat so she can use it for fees, furnishings etc.

What do you think? would you give her the money now or keep control of it? (I’ll try to put it in a AIBU format!)

YABU - she was promised the money and she should be trusted to spend it wisely

YANBU - she’ll fritter it away so keep control over it

OP posts:
Pregnancyquestion · 19/09/2025 12:44

mondaytosunday · 19/09/2025 12:42

Either you give her the money free and clear or don’t. You can’t dictate how she spends it.

Of course she can. It’s her money. She has literally said it’s for a house deposit. Daughter has said she doesn’t want to use it for that so it’s now up to OP to decide whether to give it or not. I wouldn’t. I’d insist on it going on the house, if not I’d treat myself with it lol. I wouldn’t give it to be frittered away

ItWasTheBabycham · 19/09/2025 12:45

Give her the money, when it’s gone don’t give her more.

CicerosHead · 19/09/2025 12:48

mondaytosunday · 19/09/2025 12:42

Either you give her the money free and clear or don’t. You can’t dictate how she spends it.

Bullshit. Damn right you can 'dictate it'. 40k is not 40 or 400, it's a lot of money to fritter on shit like clothes and makeup. My parents gave me a large sum of money for the same purpose as OP's and they did 'dictate me' in no uncertain terms that it's for the property and property ONLY. If I would have spent half of it on crap, they would have ceased talking to me and I wouldn't blame them, tbh.

I also plan doing the same for my DD. And I will 100% 'dictate it'. No house/flat - no money. It's my money after all, not hers. I'm happy to give it to her for a property and NOT to fritter on crap.

ThatWorthyKhakiHare · 19/09/2025 12:49

It comes down to how much you care about your future relationship with your daughter and also her relationship with your son. She is 26 not 16 . If you now refuse to give her the money in full then you will never have a good relationship again.

Cosyblankets · 19/09/2025 12:49

She's 26
If not now then when?

toomuchfaff · 19/09/2025 12:53

Gobbledygook123 · 19/09/2025 11:57

This.

She’s 26 you need to remove the tight grip and allow her to succeed or fail on her own.

Show quote history

It's not a tight grip, there were stipulations it was for property. Not access to easy cash to spend. Sge has no savings, so hasnt "tried and saved" herself, easy come easy go...

Stipulate it goes to a deposit or you'll retain the portion that doesn't and continue putting that into LISA every year

KatSlayMoon · 19/09/2025 12:56

FullLondonEye · 19/09/2025 11:46

I would advise her to use the whole 40k for her deposit but use a Declaration of Trust or something (don't really know how it's done in the UK) to ringfence her higher contribution to the deposit should they split one day. That higher deposit will make a big difference to future repayments and then of course there's no risk of it being wasted on anything else.

I’d say this. You have clearly stipulated it’s to go towards the purchase of a property and have followed through on that for your son so I’d tell your daughter it’s the same rule for her for the purposes of fairness.

Kavita12 · 19/09/2025 13:02

Give the same amount you gave to your son on a condition it goes towards the deposit and nothing else. Give it when they're buying the property. Otherwise don't. When she whines, be firm and give the brother as an example.

slanksy · 19/09/2025 13:04

Can’t imagine a world where I’d give one kid £40k and another only £20k because they didn’t do what I wanted them to do with it. Especially in the situation your daughter is in where her partner couldn’t match the £40k. Just give her the same money you’ve given to your son.

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 19/09/2025 13:06

Can you put it in an account in trust for her to gather interest and she can get it in five years, say? So she knows it is definitely going to be hers and you cannot touch it.

Fesnying · 19/09/2025 13:06

I agree that depends what you offered. If you offered 40k for deposit then you can say no because it was only for a deposit.

If you just offered her 40k then give her the 40k. Can't she split the ownership of the house in a way that reflects her higher deposit for the time being? Not sure on the maths so they'd have to work out something that seems fair, but like she owns 55 per cent of the house and he owns 45?

Lafufufu · 19/09/2025 13:07

Maybe give her the cash but put it into a VCT so it cant be readily accessed?

Or you hold.it and invest it in whatever she wants and transfer it when she's completing,

Its a tricky one...ultimately even if you get it into the house bia deposit... there is nothing to stop her remortgaging drawing down and smashing it up the wall...

Bollihobs · 19/09/2025 13:08

Could you work out what, above what it's earning at the moment, the money would earn in her high interest account and give her that, on top of the money, when you finally give it to her? That way she doesn't lose out on the interest, your DH doesn't worry that she's spaffing it away before the flat is bought (and DD doesn't have the pressure of NOT doing that) and you don't have to feel guilty that you aren't giving her the money now.

Bearbookagainandagain · 19/09/2025 13:09

Unless it was specifically mentioned the money was for a house deposit, then I think you should give it to her and let her do what she wants.

If it was a conditional offer from the start, then I would still give her the money but tell her to put it down as part of the house deposit. It brings their LTV down and impact their interest rate, it's the smartest move.

They can still be agree contractually on a fair split of the house based on their deposit. Or for the deposits to be returned in case of sale.

BettysRoasties · 19/09/2025 13:12

If it was made clear that you were giving them 40k each to buy property and she only wants to spend 20k on property she doesn’t have another 20k to just have transferred to spend on whatever.

It was a this is money for this. Not here’s 40k spend love ya have fun.

Vaxtable · 19/09/2025 13:15

The money was put away for a purpose. So I would be giving her the 20k deposit when they buy. Then if work etc need doing they can use the rest

Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 19/09/2025 13:19

OP, just checking: did you say she has a LISA in her name but you have access and don’t allow her to access it?

You might want to check the legal stance on that, as that’s sounds like financial abuse and coercive control to me, regardless of your “good” intentions. She’s 26. She isn’t a child.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 19/09/2025 13:29

I would use the same amount of money on something tangible for her new house (e.g. a new bathroom or kitchen). She can sulk if she wants but sadly uf she behaves like a child in a sweet shop with money then she doesn't have the maturity to handle that big amount. Your son sounds much more grown up so of course he can be trusted with it.

KarmenPQZ · 19/09/2025 13:37

Even if the intent was it’s for the house deposit you really have to give up the control you’re trying to hold her to. She could put it in the house deposit and that’s reduced her monthly payments so then she can fritter away £400 per month for the next 10 years instead.

Or she could use it to buy furniture… but heavens forbid she could buy fancier furniture that you would justify spending yourself.

she’s at the stage she’s buying a house. You need to give up this level of control of her.

Timeforabitofpeace · 19/09/2025 13:37

No, because they were both told the condition for it, and only your son has used it for that purpose to date. Wait till she gets the flat.

BruFord · 19/09/2025 13:41

At 26, I think that she should be in full control of her finances. Personally, I’d transfer the money over to her and let her handle it-you can clarify that you won’t be providing any other financial gifts in the near future.

Swiftie1878 · 19/09/2025 13:42

She’s 26!! 26!!!

Fgs, loosen the apron strings. In fact cut them off. Being this controlling over your ADULT child’s life will only breed resentment and alienation.

TheignT · 19/09/2025 13:45

If I was her I'd take the £40k for the deposit and get the boyfriend to pay me back the £20k for his share. Then I'd tell you to go and control someone else's life.

TheignT · 19/09/2025 13:46

Swiftie1878 · 19/09/2025 13:42

She’s 26!! 26!!!

Fgs, loosen the apron strings. In fact cut them off. Being this controlling over your ADULT child’s life will only breed resentment and alienation.

Couldn't agree more.

FullLondonEye · 19/09/2025 13:49

Swiftie1878 · 19/09/2025 13:42

She’s 26!! 26!!!

Fgs, loosen the apron strings. In fact cut them off. Being this controlling over your ADULT child’s life will only breed resentment and alienation.

If this were the 26 year old's own money, money she'd earned/inherited/won or whatever herself then I'd agree completely, but it's not. She's not 'entitled' to it in any way. This is her parents' money and she's very lucky they're prepared to give it to her, so I don't think it's unreasonable for them to want it to be used carefully. That's not 'controlling'. Most of us don't have that kind of money laying around, it's not that easy to come across. If her brother received it under any stipulation then it's only fair for that also to apply to the daughter.

I speak as someone who has always been terrible at money management and who would have and did piss away huge amounts of money in the way the OP fears and who definitely regrets it now!