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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to decide not to be bridesmaid 4 weeks before wedding?

132 replies

sponkle · 02/06/2008 17:03

the hotel in Ireland is full and the bride is expecting me to 'not to worry about it we'll sort something out, & that I'll 'just have to bunk down with someone' ie a complete stranger as I don't know any of her friends.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 02/06/2008 17:51

YABU. How on earth is its the bride fault that there are no spaces left at the hotel ?

Presumably they were booked in advance for close family/elderly infirm who genuinely could not stay anywhere else.

How was the bride to know it wasn't your whole family going ?

I really don't subscribe to this notion that the bride needs to sort out everyones accommodation. Plus there is accommodation, there is a B&B, there are local taxi firms. Believe me millions of people every single day get into taxis. If you are concerned ring the venue and ask them to recommend someone that they know and has been in the taxi business for a long time, but if you cancel I think you are being completely OTT.

rookiemater · 02/06/2008 17:52

Oops didn't see your latest post sponkle. Being 2 hours late for lunch is not good, so concede that you may have a point.

littlelapin · 02/06/2008 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoteDAzur · 02/06/2008 17:53

4 weeks is ample time to find a b&b but it is probably not enough time to find a new bridesmaid who will fit in your dress.

If you care even a little for this girl, don't drop out.

squeaver · 02/06/2008 17:53

I've never been to a wedding where all the wedding party's key people (i.e. bridesmaids) have not had a room sorted out for them. But some people are just very flakey

Why don't you phone the hotel and act like it's been sorted - say "I'm a bridesmaid at the wedding on such and such a date - do you need me to pay in advance?" or some such?

nametaken · 02/06/2008 17:54

this woman walked for 2 weeks leading 94 children to safety over the chinese mountains and away from japanese enemy soldiers and you can't get a taxi for 5-10 miles.

I despair

cheeset · 02/06/2008 17:56

After what youv'e just said, I wouldn't go. I think you are at two different stages in life and she can't understand where you are IYSWIM.

Talking on the phone throughout the meal is so disrespectful and rude. Part of me would think I wouldn't want a friend like that.

Easy for me to say don't go. If it was me, i'd probably go because I wouldn't want to let her down but then i'd feel bl spiteful when I was there which is probably worse.

I hate confrontation but can you pluck up the courage to talk to her?

littlelapin · 02/06/2008 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeachyWontLieToYou · 02/06/2008 17:57

my sis backed out of being my bridesmaid at the same stage, after i spent money i had saved hard for on her dress

took me almost a decade to forgive

yabu

cheeset · 02/06/2008 17:57

Be sensible-Ring the hotel and blagg your arse off, get that room!

Original poster

sponkle · 02/06/2008 17:57

ok Thanks for so many responses. I'm going to put ds in bath and mull it all over. (it's not so much about the booking but the principle of it!) thanks for making me laugh about it nametaken. I'll probably just book a B&B and taxi and be done with it. It's her special day after all.

OP posts:

Original poster

sponkle · 02/06/2008 17:59

cheeset you are so on my wavelength!

OP posts:

cheeset · 02/06/2008 18:00

good luck, I know where your coming from.

GreenElizabeth · 02/06/2008 18:01

I wonder if maybe she has somebody else lined up who she is now hoping can be a bridesmaid instead? Or, does she have several BMs and if one drops out it will be just 'oh well, hey ho'.

Maybe she also feels the friendship has cooled. BUT, if she is just being a head in the clouds bridezilla then i think it's a big deal to renege on being a bridesmaid!!

Perhaps it IS worth making the effort to stay friends, because this time next yr or the year after when she is pregnant or has a child, she will appreciate that you left your child at home to go to her wedding and she'll be dying to ask you loads of questions about being prg. You're at different stages right now, but in 18 months you could be best friends again. I've been through this with a few friends, on both sides of the coin.

Now, one last time before I have to shoot you, where is the hotel?

kitsmummy · 02/06/2008 18:04

Hang on, a bride has enough to do without arranging everyone's flipping accomodation! All the bride needs to do is send out local accomodation options and surely everyone can sort out their own? If the bride reserves a load of rooms she then has a lot of hassle of occupying them, doing loads of admin for people who want the rooms, letting the hotel know how many they no longer need blah de blah de blah. I would expect guests (and yes, even bridesmaids), to sort their own. Who knows you might even have wanted a cheaper option than the hotel

cheeset · 02/06/2008 18:05

Yeah, where is the hotel, we can google earth it and find out absolutely everything esp with a postcode, do they have postcodes?

The Irish are always so laid back, i'm half Irish,so I know. It can be frustrating trying to get difinative answers sometimes.

oldcrock · 02/06/2008 18:07

It really doesn't look like she's going to sort out your accommodation now, does it?! I think it's too late to back out, certainly if you want to remain friends.

So you'll have to bite the bullet and choose one of the following:

a) research all local B&B's (there must be some surely!?), book one and get the wedding venue to come up with a good taxi firm
b) hire a car and then sleep in it near the hotel and use the hotel's toilet facilities
c) if all else fails, take a tent/sleeping bag!

If Irish weddings tend to go on all night anyway, I would go with the intention of just having a great time. You're bound to meet others and might be able to share a taxi. I understand you're a bit annoyed, but it's not going to get you anywhere, so I think you've just got to get on with it!

savoycabbage · 02/06/2008 18:17

It never crossed my mind to sort out hotels for my wedding party! I gave them the info and left them to it! They were my friends. It sounds like you really, really don't want to go, but I don't think you should blame her if you don't as you are going to make her feel much worse if you pull out. It sounds to me like you think it is too much hassle and you just don't want to go.

GustWriter · 02/06/2008 18:42

The thing is, its is HER wedding and she's bound to be wrapped up in it.

If you're going to be a high maintenance friend, doing it during / before / around someone's wedding is never going to be a good thing.

Having said that, it does sound a bit frustrating not knowing where you can stay and not knowing any of the other people / the area etc.

I hope it works out. You may find you have a completely FANTASTIC time, despite all this.

greenday · 02/06/2008 18:50

The thing is, when you're planning your own wedding, there are sooo many details to go over and soooo many things to remember that somehow, securing accommodation for your bridesmaid and other key people may well get pushed back down the list.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you're not important enough, perhaps it could be that she feels you're capable enough to do the legwork yourself and that you, as her friend she deems close enough to be her bridesmaid, you would probably understand and be supportive of her by not sulking about it.
I definitely felt seriously overwhelmed by the endless details that I'm sure I have offended a few friends, but thankfully, they must have understood it as I have not had any grievances from any of them.

NotABanana · 02/06/2008 18:54

I only had one pageboy when I got married and his parents sat in as mine for the day. His dad gave me away and his mum did my makeup. I used to be their nanny.

When we sent out the invites we put a card in to say ring my future MIL if they wanted details of directions and/or accomodation. Most people didn't stay overnight as we didn't have an evening do but we gave everyone 3 months notice so there was plenty of time to book somewhere. We also offered our house to my pageboy and his parents but they chose to drive home.

I guess my point is, I was happy to sort out accomodation but it was up to people if they wanted to book it.

LadyMuck · 02/06/2008 19:30

Postcodes? In Ireland???

They have mobile phones, water (usually running), and taxis, but I'm not sure that you'll find that many postcodes.....

GreenElizabeth · 02/06/2008 19:34

Well, I used to live in D18, I used to Work in D2.

savoycabbage · 02/06/2008 19:44

If you are not going to go, make sure you pay for the dress, shoes and meal.

purpleduck · 02/06/2008 19:57

RING other guests
Find out where they are staying
phone those hotels/b&b and try to book.

Agree that you should phone the most convenient place and nag ask to book. Remember to mention that you are a member of the bridal party.

I also think you should suck it up, and just deal with it.

sorry

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