For telling my sister blending her family is hurting her kids?

[PoshestPaws]

I named changed for this as it’s very outing but despite changing small details it’s probably very recognisable. It might be the best way of getting through to my sister depending on people’s comments so it’s possible I’ll show her anyway.

My Dsis is currently refusing to speak to me because I was sick of saying nothing whilst my niece and nephew were becoming increasingly miserable with their home life.
I gave her some home truths which she refuses to accept and thinks I’m just jealous.

Dsis split up with my BIL 3 years ago and he has the kids EOW, he probably could have them more but he wasn’t the most involved father, I think that’s a lot of what caused the split.

Dsis met a man called Ben just over a year ago who has two kids Sara 8 and Josh 5.
My Niece Chloe is 14 and my nephew Noah is 12 they met Ben and his kids about 5 months into the relationship.
Ben is the RP of his kids as according to Dsis his ex wasn’t keen on being a parent and really struggled. There is no custody agreement in place as she travels a lot for work but sees the kids fairly regularly for a few days at a time and she had them a lot over the summer.

Shortly after they all met my Dsis said they were all moving in together as Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat and I think he manipulated Dsis by saying how much happier the kids were at her house and how much better it would be if they were all together, Dsis lives in the family home after BIL moved out which has 4 bedrooms, she made what seems a strange decision to me for Sara and Chloe to share.
Her reasoning was that Chloe had a big room and girls would have more in common with each other than if the boys shared. She also she said Josh went to bed and got up much earlier than the other kids so was better in a separate room.

Chloe absolutely hates sharing a room and says Sara uses her things and loses and breaks them, she has no privacy and has no private space to spend time with her friends and she hates Sara wittering on at her through the night and constantly wanting entertaining.

My sister constantly expects her kids to amuse the other children and they no longer really get any one on one time with her anymore. On days out things are often tailored for younger kids and they feel like they have been pushed aside, they told me that they feel so relieved when they stay with their dad and their grandparents on his side, my mum and dad are no longer alive so they are their only grandparents.

I feel like my Dsis is often using her own kids to have a break and alone time with Ben, I have offered to have my niece and nephew frequently as I don’t have any children so it’s a chance for them to get undivided attention, I suggested having them separately and together and planning some trips and days out.
One of the biggest reason that caused us to fall out is that my Dsis wants me to regularly have all the kids so I can get to know her “step kids” and help them all to bond, this also means she can go away or have nights out with Ben. I said absolutely not! I’m not looking after young kids I hardly know and it’ll just cement even more to Chloe and Noah that they are being pushed aside for virtual strangers.

The whole situation is a mess but Dsis just can’t see it, my niece and nephew have given up trying to talk to her as she just says to “give it time” and when I accused her of neglecting her kids she points out they have a roof over their head, clean clothes and food, they get holidays and days out but mostly that they are loved. I do know she loves them but she’s always been selfish and my parents constantly had the kids when they were alive. I think my niece and nephew are so used to not having their parents attention that they don’t know any better and know complaining gets them nowhere so they are just becoming increasingly miserable.

Chloe and Noah’s grandparents on their dads side are also very worried and becoming frustrated with my Dsis for putting a man first, they told me they have tried to get their son to do more but he works shifts and often nights and doesn’t have much space or live as close to their schools or friends. Their grandparents were especially angry when they asked my Dsis what the kids wanted for Christmas and she gave them suggestions but also included expensive gifts for the other kids! They said they were happy to buy some small token gifts but they aren’t spending less on their own grandkids to buy for kids they don’t know.

I know my niece and nephew aren’t keen on Ben and didn’t want to live with another man they hardly know, Chloe especially said she finds it uncomfortable. They also hate how noisy and chaotic the house is and how it’s constantly in a tip when my sister loved a calm clean and tidy house before. Chloe and Noah are quiet kids but Josh is a typical rowdy messy 5 year old, Sara is constantly singing and dancing and pestering Chloe to watch her or make up dances with her, if Chloe has friends round then Sara won’t leave them alone so her friends have stopped visiting as much. None of the kids want to entertain Josh so he has constant control over the tv, if the channel is changed he has huge tantrums.
I hate spending time in that house now so can’t imagine how awful it must be to live there!

I posted on here for traffic and I don’t really need to ask if I’m BU, I wanted advice more than anything- especially from people who have been in a similar situation. Did you keep quiet or risk blowing your whole relationship apart by telling some home truths?

I apologise for the length of the post, I didn’t mean for it to be so long but didn’t want to drip feed and thought if I included as much information in the OP then I don’t have the same questions asked over and over because the answers get missed and people sometimes just just read the OP.

Grim for the younger kids too, living where they are not wanted. I doubt that your sister will make changes based on anything you tell her to do. You can keep repeating that C and N need time without the little ones and make your home available just to them. You can say you’re not able to look after 4 children and refuse to take the little ones out. Don’t make a big thing of giving them only token gifts though because this situation must upsetting them too.
You might encourage C and N to be clear to their mum that they won’t babysit and have things to do .
And you might suggest that the little ones share the big bedroom. They are still young enough for a year or two.

Since it’s your sister I think you have the right to express an opinion in the interests of your niece and nephew.

When I was teaching I had a friend who had left her husband (see below) and would breezily tell everyone that no, the boys were absolutely fine with the situation and not in the least bothered by the break-up. In fact, I knew they were as miserable as hell ad spent break and lunchtime crying around the school. One was in my class.

i didn’t say anything - I felt it wasn’t m business - but I tried to support the boys at school.

Just to clarify, her husband was a lovely, handsome chap who she admitted was wonderful and hadn’t done anything wrong. She said she’d just got a bit bored and looked up an old flame for a bit of youthful excitement. If you think I’m being judgemental, I am. In those circs I think you put your kids first. Adults love to tell themselves and others that children aren’t affected by family break-ups. Sometimes it has to happen - sure - but we shouldn’t con ourselves that the kids are OK.

But they’re not siblings, are they? They are virtual strangers. Imagine someone telling you a person you didn’t know was going to be moving into your room - using your stuff, invading your privacy, talking at you all night - for the foreseeable? Horrible at any age, but to force this on a 14 year old who’s already hormonal and still probably reeling from the break up of her family, is utterly shit.

It’s unbelievable any mother would do this to their children, let alone 5 months after meeting some random new bloke - a point in time when she might be contemplating a first low-key introduction, not allowing him to pressure her into moving him and his bloody kids into their family home!

If she really had to bring these people into their lives so ridiculously early and in such an inescapable, intense way, she should at least have made the younger siblings share the spare room and let her own kids keep their rooms. From the tone of your post, though, you seem to think all her batshit, self-centred decisions are totally reasonable.

I’d say being a ‘good friend’ is doing what the OP has done - trying to open her sister’s eyes to how blindly selfish and stupid and dick-addled she’s being. She’s going to lose her kids over this eventually, because they’ll never forgive her for putting her sex life above their happiness, and why would they? She’s a terrible mother.

Siblings have exactly the same grouches so nothing new there when sharing rooms

It’s totally naive and ignorant to think you can just unilaterally decide children are now family.

I feel sorry for what your sister has been through and struggled losing her marriage, but she’s a real dickhead. Her poor kids.

She moved someone into her house, messing up her kids having their own room (as they go into the most important exam period of their lives) just because she doesn’t want to be alone? She could have waited a couple of years FFS. She could have stayed with the guy still! She’s pathetic. If I were her kids I’d never speak to her again when I got to move out of that house.

Your DSIS is one of those women who thinks with her fanny rather than her brain.

This.

So another using a man as a plan, sadly she isn't the fir3rst and she won't be the last nothing changes ans the next generation will do the same

Children seem wanted if only they have a use

If I were your niece and nephew think I’d be moving out to either live with you or the grandparents. Your dsis is selfish and wrecking her relationship with her own children.

She’ll probably moan in later life that her kids don’t seem to want to spend any time with her!

I know we are all focused on OP’s niece, but I also feel so sorry for the 8 year old little girl. How miserable to share with an older girl, whom she probably admires and wants to play with, and the older girl just rolls her eyes and tells her to stop touching her stuff all the time. All of these children are in such a sad situation, with uninvolved parents who don’t care about them every direction they turn.

Yes it sounds like all 4 children are being neglected 😢

Probably one already on the way.

Your sister has chosen to prioritise her needs. She must realise the children are deeply unhappy, but likely minimises it and doesn’t care .
And at this rate they will move out at the first opportunity and likely not see her much down the line.

I think there are many children in this situation. The younger two should definitely be sharing a room. But it’s also not their fault and I think in your position I would be including them in gifts, days out at times etc. I think your niece and nephew are old enough to communicate their needs to their mum I don’t think you should be getting involved. Clearly she is putting her needs before theirs or was persuaded by a man. Personally I think it’s an awful idea to blend children in one home and would never do it. Plus quite a few single men seem to be looking for a house to move into.

This is what my mum did to me, she wonders why we have such a awful relationship, and she gets on better with her step kids, I don’t even let her look after my kids but they do with her. She’s messing her kids up so bad I honestly can’t get over how selfish you sister has been. She’s basically telling them they are not a priority. And introducing them after 5 months is so unfair. Hope she’s looking forward to a broken down relationship with her kids as that’s what’s she gonna get

I think he is using her as a plan as well.

Your Dsis thinks you're jealous she has a new man and DC so you'll have to tread a bit carefully Op, she'll think you're trying to take her DC. It's pathetic she's so desperate for a man she'll lie to herself that her DC love having him and his kids there.
Stay in touch with your neice and nephew as much as you can Op, they're going to need you because both their DPs are letting them down.

The issue isn’t Ben or his kids ( who are behaving exactly like kids their age do). It’s your sister, she’s the one shoving her kids needs aside at all costs.
Ben was in a 2 bed home so presumably his kids were sharing a room before? Why can’t they share a room now and leave your niece and nephew in their previous room situation.. it would be much less disruptive

I have unlike most voted that YABU

Not because I think your concerns are unwarranted but because telling someone "home truths" and to the extend that your sister is not talking to you suggests you didnt handle this in a way for your sister to be able to hear you. An ambus is not often a good way to get people to review their life.

As sister is unlikely to want to move out this man if she is someone who sees her own worth only through being in a relationship you are asking her to lower herself to being nothing (in her mind)

Can you suggest they expand the house so the girls get a room each? - can the room be split or can they build those half bunks that gives a side to each

Can you suggest stuff that ensures niece gets some alone time?

Can you ask questions about how they deal with the 5 year olds tantrums it may not work but it may also make them realise he is in control.not them if approached in a "ouch this seems hard how do you deal with this" rather than a "he is a spoilt brat be in charge"

YANBU to not want the step children

YANBU to be concerned about your nephew and niece. I would have those concerns if I was in your situation

You can support your nephew and niece but if you fall out with your sister your remove their support. (You) consider items for niece she can lock things away in so the 8 year old doesn't get to them.

have just finished my night shift and come back to answer some questions…

I would love to have my niece and nephew stay with me more but I work 7-7 night shifts mostly Monday - Friday.
My sister insists they do everything as a family on weekends which is one of the worst things about this set up. She does try to plan nice days out for the kids to bond but it’s easier to push older children into younger activities when anything for older kids just isn’t possible for younger children.

We were a very close family when my sister was married to Chloe and Noah’s dad - mainly after my parents died. I was single the first year I lost my mum and joined my sisters family Christmas with my BIL and his parents, we had such a good time that I was invited to all future gatherings on their side and when I met DP he joined in too.
I now have a very good relationship with them all and this is why they have been able to be so open and discuss feelings.

My sisters ex in laws became substitute parents for her as well, I think this is why she takes them for granted with childcare but I agree it’s absolutely crazy she now expects them to treat kids they don’t know the same as their grandkids.

I think my sister has become obsessed with having a “normal family life” she acts like she’s worthless and society will shun her if not.
I’ve had years of her acting like I’m a tragic case for not having kids or being bothered about getting married, I am happy with my decisions but she won’t accept it and insists I’ eaten up inside with envy.

When my sister was married she constantly begged me to look after her kids but she wants them at home now and I’m convinced it’s to entertain her stepkids - especially as Chloe is getting older (15 in November) and more responsible and is grooming her to babysit.

I very much doubt they will move to a bigger house. My ex BIL moved out into a flat and the plan was to sell the house but he’s been good enough to leave things for now to give the kids stability. Bens finances are a mess and his kids were sharing a tiny room in a rented house before, they won’t be able to buy a bigger house and I doubt he’s bothered when he’s onto a good deal.

Chloe and Sara could possibly have the room separated and I’ve send Dsis some ideas I’ve seen on here, my Dsis is very reluctant because Sara loves sharing. This is one of the main things she fell out with me for mentioning because it’s the perfect example of her putting the other kids first. I just get “it’s early days, it’ll work out in the end” parroted at me.

I would really love for things to work out and everyone to be happy, if it hadn’t been so forced and rushed it’s possible it might have been ok, right now it’s a shit show but as long as my sister can post picture on instagram “proving” she has a new shiny perfect family then nothing will change.

Its at times like these I NEED the laughing emoji! 😂

So for two years, it was your DSis and her children, then she hooked up with this chap Ben and a year later is trying to play happy families at her children’s expense. What I’m seeing is that all the gains are on Ben’s side, and all the losses on her children’s. All very nice for your DSis with her sparkly new relationship, but the he’ll with her kids who have to out up with unwanted younger step siblings, and for Chloe, to lose her own bedroom. There is no way that these children will be friends as they grow up - Chloe will leave at the first possible opportunity, I have had experience of people taking in stepchildren and suddenly expecting the whole of the family to accept them and buy presents for them - it’s simply unrealistic. It can’t be very nice for Sara and Josh to have been abandoned by their own mother, either - the thing about being a parent is that it’s all day, every day, not just swooping in for the holidays. The whole situation is a big mess - Ben has got more space for his family, your sister has got her coveted relationship, and the kids can all go hang. How on earth is Chloe to get in with homework during her exam years with a younger girl hang8ng round her neck like an albatross? Why is Josh allowed unsupervised and total access to the TV? It sounds as though your sister is so wrapped up with Ben that she scarcely notices what her own children do, much less how Ben’s children behave. Unfortunately, all you can do is to point out to your DSis how much she will lose if she marries and this relationship breaks up - there’s nothing like arguments over children to cause pressure on a relationship. Is there any hope that, once married, Ben will sell his flat so they can get a five bedroomed house? In the meantime, all you can do is be the best Auntie possible to your niece and nephew. I really feel for Chloe - she has really lost out due to this new relationship.

Most young children wouldn't want to go out with a virtual stranger anyway, nor would their parent want them to especially a child free woman taking 4 out at once. Just shows you what sort of life these children have had. It's only going to get worse as they get older and bolder I think.

You are right but I don't think your approach will help the kids.

You've said it but realistically she isn't going to throw them out.

So can you advocate for them for smaller changes? Is some sort of room divider possible?

Can Chloe swap to the smallest room and someone else have a shot of sharing?

Can she come to you straight after school one night? Even if you aren't in for the first hour. Have a quiet space one day a week?

Perhaps best to keep it small scale so it's less of an 'all of them ' issue and just build up gradually.

From your update it sounds as if your sister considers 'success' in life, is being in a relationship and married. She's got the boyfriend, moved him in as quick as possible and is now trying to show him how wonderful life will be, how accommodating she is and therefore what a wonderful wife she'd make. Yes, I agree, I'm sure Ben is more than aware of your sister's insecurities, and is using them to his advantage. Will he marry her? Unlikely, because keeping her insecure, pliable and on edge is far more to his advantage. However, if your sister has divorced your BIL, and the house is now hers, marrying her would give Ben a financial advantage, as it would become a 'marital assets', if they divorced. Your sister in essence is desperate. She's absolutely willing to sacrifice her children for Ben. The poor children have their Grandparents on their Dad's side and you to advocate for them, because their parents are hopeless. Your sister is selfish and their Dad isn't interested enough. Your sister is aware that her children aren't happy, she's choosing to ignore their unhappiness due to her own deep rooted issues, and desire to have a relationship/marriage. Your sister's issues required therapy, and until she seeks it, then her issues will continue. Of course seeking therapy would mean she'd have to admit she needs help and her behaviour is causing her children's misery. It's far easier for her to blame a 'jealous' sister, than to admit she's failing her children. Her ex in-laws have zero reason to buy her 'step-children' gifts. The children aren't their son's step-children, in which case I could understand it, but their ex-DIL!! Your sister is being ridiculous to expect it!! All you can do is be there for your niece and nephew, and offer them time to spend with you/stay over. You can't do more than this. If their grandparents on their Dad's side are willing to have them stay, ask the grandparents to encourage it. Unfortunately, the children, once older, will leave home at a younger age, than normal, and they may choose to have little to do with their Mum.