For telling my sister blending her family is hurting her kids?

[PoshestPaws]

I named changed for this as it’s very outing but despite changing small details it’s probably very recognisable. It might be the best way of getting through to my sister depending on people’s comments so it’s possible I’ll show her anyway.

My Dsis is currently refusing to speak to me because I was sick of saying nothing whilst my niece and nephew were becoming increasingly miserable with their home life.
I gave her some home truths which she refuses to accept and thinks I’m just jealous.

Dsis split up with my BIL 3 years ago and he has the kids EOW, he probably could have them more but he wasn’t the most involved father, I think that’s a lot of what caused the split.

Dsis met a man called Ben just over a year ago who has two kids Sara 8 and Josh 5.
My Niece Chloe is 14 and my nephew Noah is 12 they met Ben and his kids about 5 months into the relationship.
Ben is the RP of his kids as according to Dsis his ex wasn’t keen on being a parent and really struggled. There is no custody agreement in place as she travels a lot for work but sees the kids fairly regularly for a few days at a time and she had them a lot over the summer.

Shortly after they all met my Dsis said they were all moving in together as Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat and I think he manipulated Dsis by saying how much happier the kids were at her house and how much better it would be if they were all together, Dsis lives in the family home after BIL moved out which has 4 bedrooms, she made what seems a strange decision to me for Sara and Chloe to share.
Her reasoning was that Chloe had a big room and girls would have more in common with each other than if the boys shared. She also she said Josh went to bed and got up much earlier than the other kids so was better in a separate room.

Chloe absolutely hates sharing a room and says Sara uses her things and loses and breaks them, she has no privacy and has no private space to spend time with her friends and she hates Sara wittering on at her through the night and constantly wanting entertaining.

My sister constantly expects her kids to amuse the other children and they no longer really get any one on one time with her anymore. On days out things are often tailored for younger kids and they feel like they have been pushed aside, they told me that they feel so relieved when they stay with their dad and their grandparents on his side, my mum and dad are no longer alive so they are their only grandparents.

I feel like my Dsis is often using her own kids to have a break and alone time with Ben, I have offered to have my niece and nephew frequently as I don’t have any children so it’s a chance for them to get undivided attention, I suggested having them separately and together and planning some trips and days out.
One of the biggest reason that caused us to fall out is that my Dsis wants me to regularly have all the kids so I can get to know her “step kids” and help them all to bond, this also means she can go away or have nights out with Ben. I said absolutely not! I’m not looking after young kids I hardly know and it’ll just cement even more to Chloe and Noah that they are being pushed aside for virtual strangers.

The whole situation is a mess but Dsis just can’t see it, my niece and nephew have given up trying to talk to her as she just says to “give it time” and when I accused her of neglecting her kids she points out they have a roof over their head, clean clothes and food, they get holidays and days out but mostly that they are loved. I do know she loves them but she’s always been selfish and my parents constantly had the kids when they were alive. I think my niece and nephew are so used to not having their parents attention that they don’t know any better and know complaining gets them nowhere so they are just becoming increasingly miserable.

Chloe and Noah’s grandparents on their dads side are also very worried and becoming frustrated with my Dsis for putting a man first, they told me they have tried to get their son to do more but he works shifts and often nights and doesn’t have much space or live as close to their schools or friends. Their grandparents were especially angry when they asked my Dsis what the kids wanted for Christmas and she gave them suggestions but also included expensive gifts for the other kids! They said they were happy to buy some small token gifts but they aren’t spending less on their own grandkids to buy for kids they don’t know.

I know my niece and nephew aren’t keen on Ben and didn’t want to live with another man they hardly know, Chloe especially said she finds it uncomfortable. They also hate how noisy and chaotic the house is and how it’s constantly in a tip when my sister loved a calm clean and tidy house before. Chloe and Noah are quiet kids but Josh is a typical rowdy messy 5 year old, Sara is constantly singing and dancing and pestering Chloe to watch her or make up dances with her, if Chloe has friends round then Sara won’t leave them alone so her friends have stopped visiting as much. None of the kids want to entertain Josh so he has constant control over the tv, if the channel is changed he has huge tantrums.
I hate spending time in that house now so can’t imagine how awful it must be to live there!

I posted on here for traffic and I don’t really need to ask if I’m BU, I wanted advice more than anything- especially from people who have been in a similar situation. Did you keep quiet or risk blowing your whole relationship apart by telling some home truths?

I apologise for the length of the post, I didn’t mean for it to be so long but didn’t want to drip feed and thought if I included as much information in the OP then I don’t have the same questions asked over and over because the answers get missed and people sometimes just just read the OP.

The one much more to blame here is Chloe and Noah's dad.

This is so sad. I was a similar age, about 11 ir 13 I think when my stepndad moved in. His kids were grown and didn't live with us but my mum still sat us down alone with her and asked us if it was okay if he moved in (they had been together a year or so) and I can still emphatically remember her saying seriously that if we didn't want him to, he wouldn't. That we'd always come first. What a pity your sister has moved someone in so soon and with no thought to her kids.

All four children have been badly let down by their parents. The mother of the other children is behaving outrageously, letting them live with a man like this in a two bed flat. The father is a complete cock lodger. He really saw the signs when he saw that four bedroomed house. Your sister's husband knows the children are unhappy but doesn't see them more. He doesn't give them the alternative to live with him. Your sister is sacrificing her own children's life for the sake of her having a boyfriend, even though that boyfriend is completely useless. She must be insane to think of marrying him and risking losing her home.

Personally I would be asking the children if they wanted to live with you.

Totally agree here. Ben complained about his own place being too small, and Sis jumped straight to inviting him and his kids to move in. She then used the available space to accommodate them, making her own children's feelings and needs less important.

The whole gift situation is another example of her trying desperately to force everyone to treat these new kids as part of the family. People aren't responsive to that idea because, frankly, they are not family.

Your sister probably won't wake up unless the relationship ends, and she finds she can't stick the original pieces back together. Then she'll be like, 'Why didn't anyone tell me to take things more slowly?"

No advice OP but this sounds familiar to a situation my close friend has with another of her friends.

As a distant person, watching from the sidelines you just know how it's going to pan out and the kids are all going to be affected in 1 way or another. She just can't (won't) see it because she's blinded by her selfishness to have a fake 'aren't we a wonderful blended family and I'm far happier than you are' vibe.

If she's any decent mother, she'll rue the day she did this to her kids...and it'll all be too late. All you can do is offer support to your niece and nephew and a safe space for them.

This happened to my ds, but he was the much younger child. His dad moved very quickly in with a lady with 2 pre teen girls. DS was 4. It was a disaster as the preteen girls didn't want my ex in their lives and definitely didn't want a 4 year old around (even though he was only there every other weekend and some holidays. It was pushed on both ds and the girls that they were now 'family' and the girls were his 'sisters' Even had the classic of ex telling ds that new lady was his 'new mummy' Fast forward to now.... Daughters left their 'home' by age 16/17 and went to live with their dad, DS is now 23 and cut contact with his dad when he turned 18. Ex also has a big thing about not giving money to DS whilst giving lump sums to his step daughters.

Your sister knows what she's doing, I'm afraid your BIL needs to step up far more and give his children a space to be away from the mess that's being created. 50/50 with teens is a very feasible option.

Your sister isn't interested in listening to opinions, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a baby on the way soon. All you can do if you're able is have her children as much as possible/if they wish to come and encourage their dad to step up. Paternal grandparents is tricky as your sister is unlikely to agree to them having time with your niece and nephew unless dad finds a way to step up.

I grew up in a similar situation and it ruined my relationship with my mother for the rest of her life.

I’m sure there are some good step parents and blended families can occasionally work, but my own experience was terrible that I vowed to never, ever do that to my daughter if my husband and I had separated when she was still living at home. I was never forced to make that choice, thankfully, and I can appreciate that it’s hard to be lonely, but she could have dated this man for a much longer time without moving his whole family in 🙄

Side note, their dad also deserves a lot more censure than he seems to be getting (though I @haven’t read all replies).

Are you local to them? Could they have friends over to yours? Could you be their bolt hole? It shouldn’t have to be like that but all you can do is be there for them as much as possible.

What are you meant to be jealous of? She has a cocklodger boyfriend and unhappy children.

Your sister is pathetic. The person who benefits most from this situation is Ben. He has moved out of a two bedroom place into a much bigger place where his children get the best of the deal. He has help now with raising his small children. I am with you and the grandparents I would not be buying those children expensive gifts, not because I am mean but because I would think they have nothing to do with me.

Poor Chloe! As the oldest she should have her own bedroom. The only consolation for her is that she only has to wait a few years then she can start her own life.

Your sister won’t listen because she has a man again and that is all that matters. Many of us know what that feels like. In this situation I think friends should tell you straight what they think before you do something daft. She should have continued to date him for a few years before moving in but she allowed him to rush her into a situation that benefits him and his children and no one else. I bet she knows all this deep down. She knows that she has been an idiot.

You've given a rough timeline. How long was it after she started dating Ben, did your sister move him in?

Your sister is not a good mother, as she places her own wants above her children's needs.

Op I definitely think the best thing you can do is to keep intouch with the kids directly.
Offer them time at yours either together or separately.

I guess you only have a small place for yourself.

The other thing to watch out for is Ben encouraging Chloe to look for a job ASAP rather than staying on at school or going to college.

Stepkids* - sorry, missed the typo

What shifts does the kids’ Dad work? In terms of having Chloe more, at 14 there are many more shifts which would be ok than if you’re looking after a 7 year old -especially if she can get back from school under her own steam. I think it might be worth getting his parents to push on that a bit. After all, if she’s off to uni we’re talking about 4 years - 4 very important years. Would either set of GPs have her? Would you?

I rolled my eyes hard at the objection to including all kids in Christmas gifts but otherwise YANBU. I would continue to try to talk to your sister and be there for your nephew and niece as much as you can. Ultimately though this situation is sadly out of your control.

Op me again, just to say that it is so upsetting to watch a scenario like this unfold. I went through it with my own sister. The cocklodger has it so good that once in they can’t be got rid of and the situation for everyone else just gets worse and worse as the cocklodger takes ownership of the space and rearranges everything to suit themself.All you can do is look out for your niece and nephew. They are going to be so grateful for you in the years to come. Also, I think you should say something to your sister. She will probably hate you for doing so but you will feel that you did your bit to help your niece and nephew.

I definitely feel sorry for Chloe suddenly having to share with a much younger child. It’s bizarre that the two young siblings aren’t sharing, which seems the obvious choice. Your sister is going the right way about it if she wants to permanently damage her relationship with her own children, who will be counting the days / years till they are old enough to leave.

The selfishness of adults parading as parents never ceases to amaze me.

Shit show.

Those poor kids. Neither of their parents is willing to make them a priority. Your sister should have remained single or just dated Ben until her kids had gone off to uni or what have you. It's absolutely not on to make them share their bedrooms with much younger children who they are not related to and have nothing in common with.

I'm also trying to imagine splitting up with my husband, moving in with another man and asking my (ex) PIL to buy expensive Christmas presents for the children of the man I'd moved in with after splitting up with their son. Nope, I can't imagine it. That's insane. Not that they would ask me what their grandchildren wanted for Christmas in the first place, because their son would be able to answer that question.

I doubt Ben will want to encourage her to go to Uni. That means less money for the household if mum is helping pay for uni.

Ben will not give a shit about how well the kids do in school he'll want them working and paying money in ASAP.

Presumably if Ben was in a 2 bed flat before then Sara and Josh shared a room which doesn't sound ideal but if they can share a room there they can share a room now.

Awful behaviour from the mum to do this. Unfortunately happens all the time. My SIL embarked on an affair with my brothers best friend (4 months after they got married) and she moved in with affair partner after 6 months. Kids went from calling affair partner "uncle" to him being their mums new boyfriend having only recently watcher their parents get married. Not only did SIL move in with affair partner but AP lived 1h 30 mins away so she removed the kids from their school and put them in a new one (without my brothers permission), gave the pet dog away and moved to be with the boyfriend, and in doing so took the kids school, all their friends, family and their dad away from them just so she could be with her new man, who incidentally cheated on her a few months later (not that she knows). It's just terrible that people are capable of such selfishness and cruelty.

You said the girls have a large room - any chance it could be divided in two? That would help with privacy for your neice.

I would say don’t fall out with your dsis even if it means biting your lip as it sounds like your neice and nephew need you around.

I would plan outings for your niece and nephew that a 5 year old would not want to attend and that way prevent being asked to take the younger children.

Her sister would just ask her to plan different days out which cater to the younger children's interests.

It's better to say, "No, sis, I'm offering to take my niece and nephew out. They deserve and need a day out which is all about them and not about Ben's much younger kids. You clearly seem determined to prioritise Ben's kids over your own for whatever reason, but I choose to prioritise my own niece and nephew, who desperately need some love and attention right now, over two kids I don't know or have any wish to know. So don't ask me to look after them or take them on days out, and don't ask me to buy them presents, because I am going to spend my time and money trying to compensate for the time and money you refuse to spend on your own kids."

That is a really good idea to get Chloe out of there. If you could have her op that would be ideal. I hadn’t thought that she was being used to care for the younger kids but it makes me steaming mad.

It's always the same, the parents are desperate to pretend that everything is peachy and the kids are bestest buddies and just LOVE having new siblings. Meanwhile the kids are miserable.

The sister is totally unhinged, forbidding the OP from spending her time with her niece and nephew unless she takes these other children too is utterly unreasonable.

Poor children.