For telling my sister blending her family is hurting her kids?

[PoshestPaws]

I named changed for this as it’s very outing but despite changing small details it’s probably very recognisable. It might be the best way of getting through to my sister depending on people’s comments so it’s possible I’ll show her anyway.

My Dsis is currently refusing to speak to me because I was sick of saying nothing whilst my niece and nephew were becoming increasingly miserable with their home life.
I gave her some home truths which she refuses to accept and thinks I’m just jealous.

Dsis split up with my BIL 3 years ago and he has the kids EOW, he probably could have them more but he wasn’t the most involved father, I think that’s a lot of what caused the split.

Dsis met a man called Ben just over a year ago who has two kids Sara 8 and Josh 5.
My Niece Chloe is 14 and my nephew Noah is 12 they met Ben and his kids about 5 months into the relationship.
Ben is the RP of his kids as according to Dsis his ex wasn’t keen on being a parent and really struggled. There is no custody agreement in place as she travels a lot for work but sees the kids fairly regularly for a few days at a time and she had them a lot over the summer.

Shortly after they all met my Dsis said they were all moving in together as Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat and I think he manipulated Dsis by saying how much happier the kids were at her house and how much better it would be if they were all together, Dsis lives in the family home after BIL moved out which has 4 bedrooms, she made what seems a strange decision to me for Sara and Chloe to share.
Her reasoning was that Chloe had a big room and girls would have more in common with each other than if the boys shared. She also she said Josh went to bed and got up much earlier than the other kids so was better in a separate room.

Chloe absolutely hates sharing a room and says Sara uses her things and loses and breaks them, she has no privacy and has no private space to spend time with her friends and she hates Sara wittering on at her through the night and constantly wanting entertaining.

My sister constantly expects her kids to amuse the other children and they no longer really get any one on one time with her anymore. On days out things are often tailored for younger kids and they feel like they have been pushed aside, they told me that they feel so relieved when they stay with their dad and their grandparents on his side, my mum and dad are no longer alive so they are their only grandparents.

I feel like my Dsis is often using her own kids to have a break and alone time with Ben, I have offered to have my niece and nephew frequently as I don’t have any children so it’s a chance for them to get undivided attention, I suggested having them separately and together and planning some trips and days out.
One of the biggest reason that caused us to fall out is that my Dsis wants me to regularly have all the kids so I can get to know her “step kids” and help them all to bond, this also means she can go away or have nights out with Ben. I said absolutely not! I’m not looking after young kids I hardly know and it’ll just cement even more to Chloe and Noah that they are being pushed aside for virtual strangers.

The whole situation is a mess but Dsis just can’t see it, my niece and nephew have given up trying to talk to her as she just says to “give it time” and when I accused her of neglecting her kids she points out they have a roof over their head, clean clothes and food, they get holidays and days out but mostly that they are loved. I do know she loves them but she’s always been selfish and my parents constantly had the kids when they were alive. I think my niece and nephew are so used to not having their parents attention that they don’t know any better and know complaining gets them nowhere so they are just becoming increasingly miserable.

Chloe and Noah’s grandparents on their dads side are also very worried and becoming frustrated with my Dsis for putting a man first, they told me they have tried to get their son to do more but he works shifts and often nights and doesn’t have much space or live as close to their schools or friends. Their grandparents were especially angry when they asked my Dsis what the kids wanted for Christmas and she gave them suggestions but also included expensive gifts for the other kids! They said they were happy to buy some small token gifts but they aren’t spending less on their own grandkids to buy for kids they don’t know.

I know my niece and nephew aren’t keen on Ben and didn’t want to live with another man they hardly know, Chloe especially said she finds it uncomfortable. They also hate how noisy and chaotic the house is and how it’s constantly in a tip when my sister loved a calm clean and tidy house before. Chloe and Noah are quiet kids but Josh is a typical rowdy messy 5 year old, Sara is constantly singing and dancing and pestering Chloe to watch her or make up dances with her, if Chloe has friends round then Sara won’t leave them alone so her friends have stopped visiting as much. None of the kids want to entertain Josh so he has constant control over the tv, if the channel is changed he has huge tantrums.
I hate spending time in that house now so can’t imagine how awful it must be to live there!

I posted on here for traffic and I don’t really need to ask if I’m BU, I wanted advice more than anything- especially from people who have been in a similar situation. Did you keep quiet or risk blowing your whole relationship apart by telling some home truths?

I apologise for the length of the post, I didn’t mean for it to be so long but didn’t want to drip feed and thought if I included as much information in the OP then I don’t have the same questions asked over and over because the answers get missed and people sometimes just just read the OP.

Maybevthe dad could get custody. Courts usually allow 14 years ago voice in custody decisions.

The adults are probably living in dreamland thinking they are creating a great new family and not even aware of the children's feelings. Bet the other children aren't too happy either as it's just been their dad and them. But being younger they will show it differently.

Your sister knows this is damaging both her relationship with her children and their childhood. As a minimum they need their own separate rooms back immediately, Especially at their ages and needing to revise etc for exams.

Some women put a man and his wants before all else. Sadly for your niece and nephew your sister is one of them. I wouldn’t want to be the assigned babysitter either op - continue to say no and invest time and care into Chloe and Noah.

It seems Ben is more important than everyone Inc her own children, he has a new house, a ready made mother for his kids and sex on tap/cooked meals etc. He definitely saw your sister coming, and the dc are paying the price.

I would be encouraging the children to move in with their father too.

Horrible situation, no advice to offer that hasn’t already been said but you sound like a great aunty and forget that clown who said to mind your own business.

It’s partly because adults “minding their own business” that so many neighbours, relatives etc get away with abuse and neglect .

Where children are at risk of all kinds of harm it should be everyone’s business. I feel bad for all 4 kids.

This was my thoughts exactly

Poor Chloe :(
I have 14 and 8 yr old girls. It would be really, really hard for the 14 yr old to share her space with the 8 yr old. And they're sisters!

This. Someone as selfish as your sister is unlikely to react well to home truths though.
Poor children.

It sounds like a really sad situation for the children. I think there's not much you xan do except keep trying to be there for your niece and nephew as and when you are able to. I think it was brace and right of you to let her know how unhappy she is making her children. Sadly, it's not an uncommon situation - i wonder if you'll soon get news of a 'together' baby to 'complete our family'

Why couldn't Ben get another place to live with his kids?

Because like a lot of men he wants the woman he is with, regardless if they’re the mother, to help with (do) most of the parenting for him. In this case she’s fobbing some of it off onto her teenaged daughter and trying to do so with the OP. I wonder how she treats her staples, she talks of OP and her children bonding with them - does she?

Those poor kids. All of them really as the younger ones will have experienced huge upheaval as well.

Your sister is clearly in the love bubble and can't see past that, but I think you are correct in being concerned for your niece and nephew.

Being 14 is hard enough, without no privacy and your room being invaded. How far away to you live? . Could you offer them a quiet space at yours to hang out at?

Absolutely do not been bullied into have the boyf kids as the point is that your sister kids need space away from them.

You will probably find that esp your niece just due to age, is going to start pushing her mother away, and possibly become a bit rebellious. She doesn't get heard anyway, so will find her own path now. She needs guidance. I hope she knows she can lean on you. It's all you can do though OP. Just try give them an outlet.

It sounds like your sister has snagged herself a 10/10 cocklodger here.

I could have written this myself, except my BiL passed on so the kids don't even have that. DSis hasn't moved the man in yet but instead buggers off as often as she can, seems to have 0 interest in her children (16, 10, 7) and can't see how damaging it is to bend over backwards for a new man and his children at the expense of her own. It is infuriating, especially as I'm watching this play out from far away so can't even provide a safe haven.

Does your niece have anywhere quiet to do her homework and study? She will be starting to study for her GCSEs now and will need a quiet space at home. Do you live near enough for her to spend a lot more time with you? If not, could she spend more time with her paternal grandparents?

I agree with you and other posters that your sister is being really selfish and putting Ben and his kids before her own children.

Reading this makes me feel so much anger. Women and men who put romantic partners before their children are vile. Your sister is ruining her relationship with her kids. In a few years, they will be gone and it'll probably surprise her why her children don't contact her anymore.

You see this time and time again. Unfortunately the current view is ‘you can leave if you’re unhappy’ in regards to marriage. Which is fine but it often leads into ‘do whatever makes you happy’ which unfortunately doesn’t apply when you’ve have children. You have to do whatever makes them happy. So many single parents don’t see that. And I say this as a single parent.

You know what @Rayqueen?, in so many of these sad cases where some awful abuse has been perpetrated on innocent kids does the question get asked “where were the extended family in this?” Where was the dad, the uncle, the aunt?”

@PoshestPaws my dear, you are doing the right thing.

your sister won’t hear you, she’s got her head stuck so far up her own minge she’s not listening.

your DNs are old enough to voice their concerns and should speak to everyone they can about this in the hope that a way can be found for them to move out. They need to tell their dad, they don’t need “looking after” so much it’ll mean child care and anyway, I’m sure you can fill in as can his parents if need be.

they are old enough to choose, and they can only be encouraged to do so. They might not be listened to at home, but others will listen to them.

The two small children should share a room so the teens can each have space to themselves. It's not a fix, but it might help a little.

What is your relationship with the dad like?

Would he do 50/50, at least for Chloe, if you offered some help with pickups/babysitting etc?

Or if not do you live somewhere big enough and close enough that she could do eg 2 days a week at yours to give her some space? And a place that she could have friends over without the younger kids around?

All you can do is be there for your niece and nephew and have space for them at your house.

Obviously at a minimum the five year old child of the boyfriend should be moved out of your teenage niece's room, but I think pick your battles - if you've spoken once to your sister and she's doubled down, then the best way to help your niece and nephew is stop criticising your sister (even though you're right) as if she cuts you out your niece and nephew will lose you.

Work on getting her to let your niece and nephew stay with you more and taking them out for tea etc. I agree don't be childcare for the little children of her boyfriend.

Probably swallow your pride and pretend you don't feel capable of looking after younger children and you want time with your niece and nephew yourself, rather than saying they need it because she's a shitty parent.

Well it's certainly true that they have moved in together far too quickly. If this relationship doesn't stand the test of time it will be hugely disruptive.

However, she is doing her best to do the "right thing" in holding all the kids as equally full members of the family, and that's fine within her household but she cannot force you to consider her step kids as an additional niece& nephew, yanbu there. The problem is the equality doesn't mean treating all kids the same, it means putting equal priority on meeting each child's legitimate needs, and the needs of the 14yo are being ignored because her needs are not the same as the needs of an 8yo.

She should definitely get a room divider bunk bed for the girls' room, or move to a 5bed house. If she does not do this she will almost certainly lose her daughter within a few years, who will leave home asap and go no-contact with her selfish deluded mother if she has any sense

That’s so sad , poor kids . Unfortunately sounds like your sister is very selfish and this will have damaging effects on her relationship with them

Since their mother doesn’t care that she’s neglecting her children I think all they can do is vote with their feet. In this case it sounds like living with their dad primarily and when he’s working nights they can stay at their GPs or OP. Their mother is awful for putting them through this.

Moving another man into my kid’s home is something I’ll never do. I know first hand how awful it is being forced to live with a stranger. And to do it so quickly is particularly selfish and irresponsible.

Those kids will never feel relaxed in their own home anymore, and may look for the first opportunity to leave. Your sister might permanently damage her relationship with them.

Having the two girls share a room is totally unacceptable. That poor teenage girl with no privacy when she needs it most. She’s been thrown under the bus by her own mother, who’s prioritising a new man. What an awful example to set your teenage daughter.

Felt so sad reading that. You sound like a lovely aunt. My teen girls would have absolutely hated being forced to share a room with a random 8 year old. What on earth is she thinking?

Those kids will leave as soon as they can. At least they have you.

Even the Brady Bunch kids didn't have to share w/ their new step siblings.