To be upset over ‘sexy’ videos?

[MumDoingHerBest]

I know I’ll probably get a lot of people saying LTB but I have no intention of doing that, I just want to know whether my response is normal or not, and therefore where to go from here (other than leaving!)…

My DP truly is a wonderful man. He’s a devoted and loving partner, and a fantastic dad to our children. He works long hours with a long commute but the second he walks through the door he’s helping or taking over with the children’s bedtime routines so I can get a break. We’re a great team in terms of the house, neither of us needs to nag the other and I never feel resentful or as though we don’t have a good balance - all this to say that I have zero complaints with regards to our life and my DP and I are very much in love.

However, I saw something a few days ago that has shook me and I simply can’t move past it, no matter how many explanations my DP gives me, it still upsets me. We are looking for some new furniture and he said he’d seen something on a Facebook page so, whilst holding our toddler, suggested I have a look on his phone. I opened Facebook, clicked on the search bar and was confronted with several ‘sexy’ pages he’d recently visited. You know the ones, attractive young girls/women wearing next to nothing and doing provocative dances for the camera. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked but I clicked on a few of them, trying to hide my upset/panic, and to be honest some of the pictures I saw were akin to porn - women bent over wearing thongs, almost everything on show, or women in see through tops jiggling their boobs around.

I basically pretended I hadn’t seen them, and we carried on with our evening, but once the girls were in bed I confronted him. I asked why he’d been looking at these things, and he hesitated for a second before saying “because they’re attractive and I’ve been feeling really horny lately”. For context, I’m 3 months postpartum and our sex life is only just starting to get back to some sort of ‘normal’, although pre pregnancy it was VERY active and now I’m hardly ever in the mood. He knows this is just a normal part of postpartum for me, I’m breastfeeding so my hormones are all over the place, and whilst he still tells me he wants me & occasionally tries to instigate things, he’s very much respectful of the fact that I might say no and never makes me feel guilty or anything like that. He’s more than happy just to cuddle or whatever, but I guess he can’t turn his libido off and so has clearly started looking at these pics/videos instead.

In a nutshell, he says it doesn’t change anything in terms of the way he feels about me. He says he still finds me attractive despite the way I feel about myself (tired, a mess half the time!) and recognises that I am real and he loves me and these women are just nice to look at. There’s a lot more to it than that and he’s genuinely sorry he has hurt me - he has deleted Facebook (I didn’t ask him to) and promised not to do it again, but I’m conflicted about the whole thing. Is it normal? Do most men look at these things? Is it just part of our culture these days, a bit like sexy magazines used to be? Should I be worried? Should I just let it go? He’s getting a bit upset that he’s apologised and explained soo many times but I’m still bringing it up.

So, AIBU for being so upset/annoyed by this? How would you react if you were in the same position? Am I overthinking this way too much??!!

Sadly I thought my dh would never look but I caught him doing it a few times a few years back right upfront of me although I love him dearly and we've been together 10 years now I don't think the same of our marriage i don't think you can stop them looking tbh I do have alot less respect for my dh since I've seen him do it tbh! However my dh has never actually done only fans or videos etc personally op I think you'll always respect him alot less now

I’m more interested in why so many women on here are so utterly insistent that all men do it. It’s like they need to convince themselves that all men do because they’ve resigned themselves to the general push in society that men do, like somehow media narrative is the same as reality. And those same women are the ones using words like ‘pearl clutching’ or practically salivating as they dish out comments like ‘bet your husband does’ to women who say their husbands do not. It’s weird behaviour, almost bordering on desperation.

It also strikes me as sad that so many relationships must be deeply disingenuous if so many are specifically hiding things from their partners because they know their partners will be upset. Why would you do something that upsets your partner? Why would you not pause and think about that? It’s just odd behaviour. No wonder divorce rates are so high.

It’s definitely not worth stressing about it anymore lovely. He’s been very honest about it, tried to rectify the situation and now understands how hurt you are about it. He’s unlikely to do it again and probably hadn’t thought how bad it would make you feel if you knew. However, it could have been a lot worse (it’s not really even full blown porn) and he could have tried to lie his way out of it. He sounds like a lovely guy to me and I think you’ve got to draw a line under this now you’ve made it clear how you feel. If you keep going back to it, the resentment on both sides is just going to grow.

Just because you think it's normal doesn't make it normal and since the commenter said no, definitely not, and they know their life and their husband and you don't, you're wrong. Normal for one is as creepy as fuck for another.

You'll find life a lot less triggering when you just accept that you haven't got the faintest clue how others live their lives and stop trying to project your own wants and opinions onto other people. Hth :)

Women who tolerate shit from lying, garbage men absolutely hate that not all women have to put up with shit from lying, garbage men.

You found this, obviously he'll be hiding a lot more, once a liar who sneaks around hiding shitty behaviour, always a liar who sneaks around hiding shitty behaviour. Wonder how many prostitutes he's chatting with online :(

And only three months after a baby, what a disrespectful, unpleasant, bad husband you're saddled with :(

Yeah it totally takes the shine off doesn’t it, and then they wonder why we fall out of love with them and not wanting sex etc.. men would have besotted partners if they didn’t do any of this giving attention elsewhere shit.

Some men enjoy porn. Some men regularly masturbate whether they're in a relationship or not. Unless the women involved were so young as to cause concern, I wouldn't worry.

I have never found it necessary to use porn to achieve an orgasm. It is a bodily function that is not dependent on lusting over someone. I don't have an issue with masturbation in itself but it does not need to involve porn. If someone needs to think of something, why not their own partner??

Not even James Norton?

This sort of thing wouldn’t bother me at all. He seems genuinely sorry for hurting you. For those who think their DP’s don’t look at such stuff, they are living in cloud cuckoo land.
Also, he actually handed you his phone - so I would imagine didn’t have much of a guilty conscience about what was on there - it makes me laugh how many men probably DO forget to hide the page afterwards though! Don’t blow your family up over it unless it escalates into paying for things etc..

I'm Interested in this too. Because unless we make space for a different narrative that actually not all men do behave this way or that some men do then can absolutely change because they choose to. Society stays stuck. Those that have lived it are called naive or liars/controlling. No one is saying there are millions of good men out there. It is shades of grey and thin on the ground. But unless more start to accept its possible we stay stuck in this narrative that all men are just victims to their "male sex drive" completely unable to control themselves or choose another path. Then that filters down to younger generations and young boys go oh this is how men act, I'm entitled to have a secret sexual life outside of my intimate partner that they can't even question no matter how it effects them because that's what all men do. It's "normal".

No one is saying we all should have exactly the same relationships and boundaries. But no matter how uncomfortable it makes anyone feel you have to accept some men choose to behave differently than societies "normal" don't want porn or lusting in their life Only have eyes for their partner. It does exist.

I find it hard to imagine when younger if anyone was to describe their version of a "perfect" partner they'd be including that they looked at porn regularly hid it from them, lied, lusted over others. Ignores my feelings on it because they felt entitled.
Maybe some genuinely don't mind,doesn't cause any issues to them and that's fine For them. But is anyone really choosing that in a partner ? What benefit does it bring to a monogamous relationship? When we open up the possibility of that not being the default in a relationship with men how many would then prefer that instead?

I actually had to Google image his name🤣

Exactly. Brilliantly put. It feels to me that if women as a whole resign themselves to accepting things they dislike (again, like you say, excluding those who genuinely choose it for themselves) then you have men hiding things from women, lying as standard, and giving their sexual attention to women outside of their marriages, and on the opposite side you have women who feel inadequate, who are hiding their feelings from their husbands in order to try and maintain a false status quo, and quietly resenting them in the background.

I refuse to accept that the above is meant to be the ‘ideal’ relationship, or that all men are assholes. Why would anyone who respects themselves choose to invest their time, energy and money into this? It’s deeply psychologically harmful for us as a society, and as you pointed out, it provides a dangerous template for the next generation.

Also adding, because it always gets thrown about in these threads, it has been completely debunked that men are ‘more visual’ - that’s an excuse to justify the behaviour. Behaviour that has been proven to be unhealthy for the individual and society.

We all deserve better.

Yeah, I agree. If a woman wanted to wank off while looking at naked pictures of some hunky male celebrity in her own time, it would be controlling for a man to tell her she couldn't.

My husband scrolls Instagram and will occasionally pause on something that peaks his interest, might be a nice Porsche, might be a nice arse or a woman in a low cut top, might be a nice recipe. He appreciates it and moves on and at no point does that scream unfaithful.

I do exactly the same, pause on a nice piece of jewellery then pause on a picture of a fella in his briefs.

We also both comment on a nice looking person if we're out and about.

Some will say "well great that works for you but not all people are like that". I know a few couples who would be upset by seeing a sexy video on their husbands computer but they're always the less happy couples in our friendship group

A quick google suggest more than half of men in the uk access porn. From the photos you have described, it doesn't even really sound like porn. So on the basis he seems to be a decent bloke on the whole, I would let it go.

I think you're over-reacting. My lovely, sadly late husband liked looking at beautiful women, and loved looking at them with few or no clothes on. It's how men are wired up, and it isn't creepy or perverted. Close-up crotch shots are a bit urgh, but that's not what you're talking about. Naked women are beautiful - more beautiful than naked men, tbh.

I got (and get) turned on more by men's faces, by romance, and by movement and action than male nudity. I don't think it's any more creepy that I could fantasise about being whisked away into the wild and ravished by Aragorn than that my husband could enjoy being turned on by images of beautiful, naked women. He loved me, we had amazing sex, what was there to worry about?

Just popping on before I go out to collect eldest from school - struggling to find time to reply individually but genuinely do appreciate all of your comments! I didn’t come on here hoping for or expecting one-sided comments/views, but I also didn’t really expect the nastiness some people have shown. Just because other people have different boundaries or ideas around what is/isn’t OK in a relationship it doesn’t mean you ought to attack or insult them! One deleted reply was particularly nasty and suggested I deserved to be physically beaten up if I ‘stood for this sort of behaviour in my relationship’ - really?! 😬😬😬

Pleased to report (again) that things are better now than they have been in AGES. Sometimes it takes a bit of a bump in the road to bring you back together and re-ignite the communication & passion. Wishing everyone a lovely weekend! 😊

Fundamentally, they're all ruled by their d*cks. Some hide it better than others, but that's the way it is.

I like reading smutty romantasy books, is that any different? My husband actually reaps the benefits and encourages it. I can understand your hurt feelings but don’t let any insecurities ruin what sounds like an amazing relationship. I’d be concerned if it became an obsession and he couldn’t do without it.

@MumDoingHerBest
Your husband sounds a wonderful man, a loving husband and real hands-on father. Many many years ago, long before mobile phones, my husband always had a secret stash of girlie magazines. I felt exactly as you do now. It caused me such heartache and self-doubt and when I confronted him he didn't react in such an understanding way as your husband. I thought I couldn't live with it but we had two small children, I was a SAHM and couldn't see a way out. Fast forward over 40 years, he has nursed me through extensive cancer treatment, driven me to and from hospital daily and waiting around whilst I had treatment, never a word of complaint, never had a day off in spite of others offering help. He always found me desirable, even when I lost all my hair and eyelashes, and now, three years later waits on me hand and foot due to severe after effects. We can't make love any more due to my treatment but have other ways.

Does he still have girlie magazines? No. Does he watch porn? Almost definitely. I don't look for evidence and I genuinely don't care. I now view it as an itch that he has to scratch and that has absolutely nothing to do with his feelings or desire for me, even now. He has proved that and his love every day over the years.

I fervently hope you have a long and happy life together.

Thanks so much for your lovely reply. I am so sorry to hear you have gone through such gruelling cancer treatment and are suffering with the after effects but I do hope you are on the road to recovery now. 🙏 it sounds like your husband has been utterly devoted to you throughout this time and clearly loves you more than anything. Your reply did put a smile on my face and resonated with me (not the illness part, but the standing by each other through difficult times part) and I can’t imagine ever holding a grudge over this or letting it come between what truly is a wonderful partnership. I couldn’t imagine being without my DP - we complete each other, but I recognise that that doesn’t stop him from being human and finding other women attractive. It’s the action of loving & choosing each other every day despite the mundane & challenges of raising small children that matters to me. 🤗 🤗

Wishing you a strong recovery & happier, healthier times ahead with your lovely DH. Xxx

Arguably, if you have loads of sex he probably doesn't feel the need to masturbate, hence he doesn't watch porn. But I'm pretty sure if you go off sex for a few months (eg if you're postpartum), he would be masturbating. And you don't need 3 guesses to work out to what he would be wanking.

This isn't every man. My husband is more than happy to wait for me postpartum/illness/life. He has self control and preference. Men are perfectly capable of not masturbating and/or watching porn if they want to.
Is it the "norm" no absolutely not but it's entirely possible. If women want that kind of relationship we need to stop telling them that it's impossible.