To be upset over ‘sexy’ videos?

[MumDoingHerBest]

I know I’ll probably get a lot of people saying LTB but I have no intention of doing that, I just want to know whether my response is normal or not, and therefore where to go from here (other than leaving!)…

My DP truly is a wonderful man. He’s a devoted and loving partner, and a fantastic dad to our children. He works long hours with a long commute but the second he walks through the door he’s helping or taking over with the children’s bedtime routines so I can get a break. We’re a great team in terms of the house, neither of us needs to nag the other and I never feel resentful or as though we don’t have a good balance - all this to say that I have zero complaints with regards to our life and my DP and I are very much in love.

However, I saw something a few days ago that has shook me and I simply can’t move past it, no matter how many explanations my DP gives me, it still upsets me. We are looking for some new furniture and he said he’d seen something on a Facebook page so, whilst holding our toddler, suggested I have a look on his phone. I opened Facebook, clicked on the search bar and was confronted with several ‘sexy’ pages he’d recently visited. You know the ones, attractive young girls/women wearing next to nothing and doing provocative dances for the camera. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked but I clicked on a few of them, trying to hide my upset/panic, and to be honest some of the pictures I saw were akin to porn - women bent over wearing thongs, almost everything on show, or women in see through tops jiggling their boobs around.

I basically pretended I hadn’t seen them, and we carried on with our evening, but once the girls were in bed I confronted him. I asked why he’d been looking at these things, and he hesitated for a second before saying “because they’re attractive and I’ve been feeling really horny lately”. For context, I’m 3 months postpartum and our sex life is only just starting to get back to some sort of ‘normal’, although pre pregnancy it was VERY active and now I’m hardly ever in the mood. He knows this is just a normal part of postpartum for me, I’m breastfeeding so my hormones are all over the place, and whilst he still tells me he wants me & occasionally tries to instigate things, he’s very much respectful of the fact that I might say no and never makes me feel guilty or anything like that. He’s more than happy just to cuddle or whatever, but I guess he can’t turn his libido off and so has clearly started looking at these pics/videos instead.

In a nutshell, he says it doesn’t change anything in terms of the way he feels about me. He says he still finds me attractive despite the way I feel about myself (tired, a mess half the time!) and recognises that I am real and he loves me and these women are just nice to look at. There’s a lot more to it than that and he’s genuinely sorry he has hurt me - he has deleted Facebook (I didn’t ask him to) and promised not to do it again, but I’m conflicted about the whole thing. Is it normal? Do most men look at these things? Is it just part of our culture these days, a bit like sexy magazines used to be? Should I be worried? Should I just let it go? He’s getting a bit upset that he’s apologised and explained soo many times but I’m still bringing it up.

So, AIBU for being so upset/annoyed by this? How would you react if you were in the same position? Am I overthinking this way too much??!!

I do actually have an idea but it requires an essay. Women have been conditioned to accept the bare minimum.

I know more men who tolerate for their wives to go to various Magic Mike' live shows and loud hen nights than the other way round.

I remember the amount of women banging on reading "50 shades" and so on, it was very fashionable at one point. One idiot even dressed up her kid as the character for "world book day".

I wouldn't be best pleased to know my DH was going to a strip club, but I am not going to demand to know what he's watching when he's staying in a hotel - he's entitled to his privacy, and I am entitled to mine.

you don't know what you are missing 😂

I'd rather a man than a vibrator, but each to their own.

Your DP really sounds like one of the good guys.

I would say almost all men look at porn - stuff that’s a lot more offensive than what you describe. That he’s actually gone to the effort of deleting Facebook after you confronted him about what were very innocent videos in comparison, shows how committed he is.

Poor guy - you need to let this go.

Honestly, this wouldn't bother me.

It would bother me if he pestered me for sex when I was postpartum (or anytime I didn't fancy it), and it would piss me off if he engaged with women sexually in any way. But watching porn purely as a viewer would be fine as long as it wasn't instead of sex with me when I fancied it (unless it was something super gross 🤢).

I'd be pretty upset if my DH tried to control whether I viewed/read erotic content though.

That's like saying that wine kills a marriage because you have to drink more and more to get a buzz. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with porn, alcohol, gambling - all sorts of things. It doesn't mean those things are inherently universally dangerous.

I first saw porn in my early teens, started watching it in my teens intermittently, and still watch it perhaps once a month. The stats around porn usage would suggest that my experience is pretty common, and it's certainly not the start of some enormous addiction saga.

Maybe have a look at some actual studies before you make such claims. Further analysis of the 70% or so of porn watching men, only about 11% of them are watching large amounts of porn. So if your partner watches a couple of hours or more a week, they are in quite a small minority of addicted to porn men 🙁

I’ll quite happily send my husband upstairs for a wank and a bit of porn if he ain’t getting any nookie off me for a while.

No you're not being unreasonable. We are all free to have different relationships and different boundaries.

Firstly I would figure out my boundaries. For me that means no lusting over pornography or sexual content at all or getting sexual gratification outside the relationship.

I would invite him to a conversation about boundaries that we decided together what our relationship was going to include and exclude. He has full agency to say nope pornography/lusting is more important to me. I would also discuss how I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that engages in that behaviour so if he was to lie and hide then the relationship would end. So we were both fully on the same page. I would be open to hearing his side and point of view.

I think you have been very clear with your boundaries and you have been honest about how this has made you feel. He has made some good steps to provide reassurance that this was a mistake/ misjudged thing he has done in response to a specific set of circumstances. If you feel the need to continue the conversation then set some time to do this aside - make your final points, be clear that this is not in your bandwidth to tolerate. Then I would leave it - as I am not sure what else he could do to make this right.

Overall you have described a good dad, one that contributes equally and one that in your relationship has made a mistake. We all make mistakes and we all have that capability to hurt the one with love, so perhaps see it in those terms unless there is further evidence not too.

There's obviously a huge difference between a woman noticing an attractive man and actively going searching for them online, which shouldn't need to be pointed out, but apparently it does because you don't understand obvious things.

The one who doesn't want to have as much sex hasn't turned into stone either, and in fact being postpartum is likely to be more sensitive than they would normally be, yet you're trying to make her feel stupid for being upset about it, acting like you don't understand what the issue is (by completely ignoring the obvious) even though her partner would 100% feel the same if the situation was reversed and he found out she'd been searching for hot men to look at.

I’m not against porn because I don’t want my husband looking at body parts, I’m against porn because I don’t like woman being seen as sexual objects, degraded and abused for men’s pleasure.
Look at the rise in rape and misogyny as well as violence against women and girls.
Did you watch Adolescence?
Porn has a lot to answer for.
It shouldn’t be normalised because young boys are influenced and exposed to things that they then think are normal ways to behave towards girls and women.

it’s not porn and he is contrite and taking steps to amend. There’s not much more to ask for and you don’t want to leave so you have to either believe his apology and eventually move past this.

Or don’t and be sour forever.

Look, only you know where you’d draw the line and that’s entirely up to you. But this is so, so mild and normal that I’m amazed anyone would be bothered by it. It’s entirely normal and harmless for people to enjoy looking at attractive members of the opposite sex. Men do it. Women do it. It is normal and unsurprising and it doesn’t mean people don’t fancy their own partners.

This, like many other issues relating to sex and sexuality, is an issue on which Mumsnet is quite out of step with the population in general, so I’m sure you’ll get people telling you to dump your kind, loving partner and the father of your child over it, but you’d be mad to end a relationship over this. Your partner obviously loves you and feels terrible but what else do you want him to do? He looked at some videos of glamour models in their undies; does he have to self-flagellate and wear a hair shirt for the next five years until you’ve decided he’s done his penance?

There are always people on Mumsnet who insist their partner NEVER glances at a picture of a scantily clad woman (spoiler alert: he does) and even more people on here who profess to have forgotten the male body even exists the moment they married their DH and have apparently never in their lives seen a picture of a good-looking man and thought “Phwoarr”. Personally, I don’t think that’s even remotely normal and that finding other human bodies nice to look at is simply part of a healthy level of human sexuality. To me there’s nothing disloyal or insulting about that.

I honestly doubt most men would give a shit if their wife were looking at sexy videos of
Men if they themselves watched it.

have any of you lot actually met men?

You think that being in a relationship somehow "turns off" sexual attraction?

Those videos are the modern equivalent of the page 3 girls.

You really need to grow up about all of this OP.

I don’t think trying to explain away your feelings on what other people think is ‘normal’ is useful really. You’re upset – that’s how you feel no matter how you try to paint it.

just because you don't agree with me, doesn't me I "dont' understand things" nice little goady post but you are confusing your opinion with facts 😉

Many men agree with their wives about how awful it is, all while watching it. Intelligent women who have good, decent, loving men. This isn't a reflection on the men or on the women. It's a reflection of how porn is perceived on both sides.

My opinion, as someone who watches is that it's not cheating or wrong in any way. It's used for gratification during a person's self satisfaction. Sex lives and self-sex lives are different and separate. I disagree with telling someone watch they can do/watch during masturbation as much as I disagree with telling someone what they can or can't do with their own body.

The porn I watch has no reflection on my husband or on our sex life. It has absolutely nothing to do with him. It's my body, my (self) sex life and nobody else's business.

You may believe its all evil degradation of women. I believe that that is nonsense. I am happy to disagree with you in the same way I disagree with a radical Christian. Nice for you to believe, but nonsense.

I would see lying about it as a white lie because it isn't a big deal. Both my husband and I lied about it in past relationships. He lied because she also believed it was exploitative etc, and I lied because ex said it was like cheating on him (he cheated on me later on and I'm sure was watching porn throughout...)

You can't say 100% what anyone does in private. We all have stuff we keep to ourselves.

It is entirely individual. Personally I don't mind at all if my partner looks at stuff like this. I know he also is attracted to me so it doesn't worry me. I also do think that most men use or have used porn at some points.

No crushes on actors for you then?

I’d be more concerned about his knee jerk reaction to instantly deleting his Facebook.

It logs every search ever entered, and every video watched on the platform.

He handed over his phone so obviously not that concerned about her seeing anything on there.
He probably didn't expect such a reaction to a few scantily clad dancers.

So to answer the question "would it bother me". Yes, it would. I think it would bother most women to a greater or lesser degree. Especially if she was a new mum or had other body issues. I can't imagine that many woman are entirely happy at the thought of their DH wanking over sexy young girls jiggling their perfect boobs and fannies around. To answer the other question "do most men look at these things". The answer is again yes. The majority of men will look because it's so fucking easy. Very few men are not going to ogle bums and tits given the opportunity, and it has always been thus.

I’m a woman and I use porn to masturbate a lot more than he does. I don’t know if he does or not, I’ve never asked. I just assume he does because I do. We have a good sex life, but I need to get off on my own quite frequently.

Personally I would be upset about it because I’m o my 3 months PP, but then I’d reflect and realise that’s ridiculous. And forgive.

Lols at all the pearl clutchers saying their DPs would NEVER. I guarantee….look at his phone and have your eyes opened. How many threads appear on here saying ‘I never suspected but he’s on Grindr/ messaging escorts’. 🥴