To be upset over ‘sexy’ videos?

[MumDoingHerBest]

I know I’ll probably get a lot of people saying LTB but I have no intention of doing that, I just want to know whether my response is normal or not, and therefore where to go from here (other than leaving!)…

My DP truly is a wonderful man. He’s a devoted and loving partner, and a fantastic dad to our children. He works long hours with a long commute but the second he walks through the door he’s helping or taking over with the children’s bedtime routines so I can get a break. We’re a great team in terms of the house, neither of us needs to nag the other and I never feel resentful or as though we don’t have a good balance - all this to say that I have zero complaints with regards to our life and my DP and I are very much in love.

However, I saw something a few days ago that has shook me and I simply can’t move past it, no matter how many explanations my DP gives me, it still upsets me. We are looking for some new furniture and he said he’d seen something on a Facebook page so, whilst holding our toddler, suggested I have a look on his phone. I opened Facebook, clicked on the search bar and was confronted with several ‘sexy’ pages he’d recently visited. You know the ones, attractive young girls/women wearing next to nothing and doing provocative dances for the camera. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked but I clicked on a few of them, trying to hide my upset/panic, and to be honest some of the pictures I saw were akin to porn - women bent over wearing thongs, almost everything on show, or women in see through tops jiggling their boobs around.

I basically pretended I hadn’t seen them, and we carried on with our evening, but once the girls were in bed I confronted him. I asked why he’d been looking at these things, and he hesitated for a second before saying “because they’re attractive and I’ve been feeling really horny lately”. For context, I’m 3 months postpartum and our sex life is only just starting to get back to some sort of ‘normal’, although pre pregnancy it was VERY active and now I’m hardly ever in the mood. He knows this is just a normal part of postpartum for me, I’m breastfeeding so my hormones are all over the place, and whilst he still tells me he wants me & occasionally tries to instigate things, he’s very much respectful of the fact that I might say no and never makes me feel guilty or anything like that. He’s more than happy just to cuddle or whatever, but I guess he can’t turn his libido off and so has clearly started looking at these pics/videos instead.

In a nutshell, he says it doesn’t change anything in terms of the way he feels about me. He says he still finds me attractive despite the way I feel about myself (tired, a mess half the time!) and recognises that I am real and he loves me and these women are just nice to look at. There’s a lot more to it than that and he’s genuinely sorry he has hurt me - he has deleted Facebook (I didn’t ask him to) and promised not to do it again, but I’m conflicted about the whole thing. Is it normal? Do most men look at these things? Is it just part of our culture these days, a bit like sexy magazines used to be? Should I be worried? Should I just let it go? He’s getting a bit upset that he’s apologised and explained soo many times but I’m still bringing it up.

So, AIBU for being so upset/annoyed by this? How would you react if you were in the same position? Am I overthinking this way too much??!!

Years ago I had a job where I had to go into male dominated workplaces.
Every single place had nude posters on the walls and stacks of
nude magazines in the lunch rooms.
I think the majority of men look at pretty girls with not much on, until not long ago there were topless page 3 girls in some newspapers.
I never felt these men didn’t love their wives and girlfriends or wanted someone else.
In their minds they’re two completely different things and don’t mean that much to them at all when they have their Queen at home.
It will never change, it’s just how they’re wired.

Many people on here would not care about their partner doing this, and that's fine for them. But you do care.

Had you previously had a conversation with your DP where you discussed porn/sexy videos, and you stated clearly that you consider that to be cheating, or akin to cheating?

If yes, then this is a problem. If he knew that you consider this cheating and did it anyway, he is deceitful and rates his own sexual satisfaction higher than your relationship. What you do about it is up to you.

If no, then I suggest you draw a line under it. He maybe suspected you wouldn't like to know about it, so is on dodgy ground, but it's different to deliberately violating boundaries you'd both agreed to in the past. Discuss clearly with him where your boundaries are for both of you, and move forward with a clean slate.

I would be upset to find this but... I think the old don't look at someone else's private thing because you won't like what you find rule applies here. Everyone has private thoughts and desires and everyone remains a private person even when in a loving partnership.

I don't think you have to worry, it sounds like he responded well, but don't feel bad about feeling shocked either cos it is shocking.

It really isn't a big deal OP. My husband and I both watch porn, enjoy provocative photos etc. Separately. Pretty much never together.

I would be really upset if he expected me to stop or had some (in my mind) crazy idea that it was cheating. It's none of his business what I like to look at (assuming it isn't illegal or hurting anyone).

We have a completely monogamous relationship But I couldn't be with someone that I couldn't talk freely with about these things or that I had to hide this stuff from.

Both of us had to hide it from exes. It was awful.

It has literally nothing to do with how I feel about DH. It's just nice to look at or when I'm masturbaring, nice to watch, and I am sure it has nothing to do with how your DH feels about you.

I would always choose my husband over any of the people in porn or the pictures.

There is no emotional thing attached to looking at these pictures or videos.

Have you ever had a conversation with him OP about your limits around porn? Because most men use porn when they masturbate. It doesn't even occur to most of us that our partners might have a problem with them using porn. We assume that our partners know we do it, because all men do it. We don't talk about it, because it's part of masturbation, and generally most couples don't announce to each other when they're going to do that.

So you need to have a conversation with him around your limits about porn, and then he needs to make a decision about whether he's willing to respect those limits. This is a conversation that really should have happened early in the relationship.

Many Mumsnet posters have a 'zero tolerance' approach to anything sexual that men might look at online. I respect their view but it's not something I personally agree with, men are generally more 'visual' and need something to look at if they're going to attend to their own needs. In my view men looking at porn is akin to women using vibrators or watching sexy/romantic films. Most of us have sexual needs and men and women do differ in that matter. I know some women also enjoy porn though in general we're a bit more complicated to switch on rather than just looking at pictures.

I think if it were something interactive (eg cam girls) or problematic for other reasons (violent porn, or with women who look suspiciously young) then it's different. What you've described doesn't sound like that. And I personally think it's a good sign that he's opted for this route whilst respecting you're on a different page being post partum - not expecting you to meet his sexual needs currently, not wanting to make it your problem. It isn't healthy for anyone with sexual needs just to try and ignore them and pretend they don't exist, that just leads to resentment.

I can understand why you're feeling vulnerable but it does sound like you've got a good one here, it's worth talking it through.

In my experience porn kills a marriage as the porn becomes more and more extreme to achieve the same result. It certainly finished off any feelings or respect I once had for my husband.

Think back to the 90s and early 2000s when men used to buy certain newspapers to ogle the Page 3 models. They would openly sit in a cafe or the pub with the newspaper open to Page 3 and nobody batted an eyelid!

This isn't porn though.

The reality is that you will never know what he looks at when he is wanking. And you shouldn't need to know either.

But yeah, OK.

Exactly. I made a similar post further up. I remember vividly catching my older brother with our Mums Freemans catalogue looking at the lingerie section 😂

Men (and women) have found nakedness attractive for as long as time began.

Personally I think it's totally natural and healthy to masturbate and have your own inner sexual world, and visuals like videos, pictures, etc. are just part of that. I'm female and sometimes watch porn, I've had both male and female partners and they've all sometimes watched porn.

The only time I've ever been upset or felt betrayed is when the relationship isn't going well, I feel rejected / I want sex more than they do yet they're still looking at porn or masturbating, etc. Or a kind of feeling of like... I don't know who they are? As in, I wouldn't expect this of them and it's come as a shock.

What I really like about your DH's response is that he was just honest, didn't lie about it - he was just upfront. I personally don't see a problem, but it's totally valid to feel however you feel and share that. If you feel upset, you feel upset. Maybe explore why? What is the root of it? Do you feel insecure? Worried he doesn't find you attractive at the minute? Talk to him about that.

I'd be really wary of accepting "I won't do it again", because I don't think it's fair to put that on a partner. That's just my opinion - and I think it's setting you both up for failure if that's the assumed agreement.

Do I think this is the end of the world? No

Do I think you are right to feel upset? Yes

You have not long had a baby and I’m sure you’re feeling very insecure about your body and your sex life.

You need to talk to him and explain this and let him know that he needs to be showing you that he still loves you and that you’re who he wants.

The sex will come back in time but as long as you can keep the connection strong in other ways and by communicating lots you’ll be ok.

How would he feel if you have been looking at pictures of half naked men putting it all on show and being all suggestive in front a camera? That's the real question. If he would be fine with that, then I guess you can choose to think of his actions as you will. If he would object, then he would not only be a sleaze bag, but also a hypocrite.

It wouldn’t bother me and the fact that your relationship is so good would be much higher on my list of priorities. However it bothers you and I think it is important to work out why. Is your relationship one where everything is all nice with little arguing? Is it one where the difficult things and feelings are not talked about? It might be time to bring things out in the open more. Every couple has areas of conflict, things they disagree on and it’s better in the long run to work through those and find a place of acceptance than to keep them unsaid.

I don't understand, are you miffed your husband is human and find other women attractive?

So many women are gushing about sexy men, from Jason Momoa to Harry Styles or the late Robert Redford. There are countless videos about men's butt (and from women, not gay guys!). I have heard school mums make completely inappropriate comments about male teachers.

Men (some men.... ) watch porn, women do too. Maybe men watch more porn, and women read more smut.

Only on MN is it such a shocking and horrifying concept. We all know that "sex sells", but apparently that doesn't apply to real men 😂

seeing that even a Friends episode about giving sperm samples included the use of porn, I would be inclined to believe you on that one

The use of porn doesn't need to get more extreme at all. That's very uncommon. In my experience most men watch relatively "vanilla" porn and never need much more stimulation than some boobs and a vulva!

I don't understand, are you miffed your husband is human and find other women attractive?

It's very easy to understand. Do you normally find it difficult to understand blindingly obvious things?
She's upset that he was deliberately seeking out sexy women to look at when she's 3 months postpartum, and their sex life is only getting coming back a little bit now.

He (or men in general) would also be upset in those circumstances, if they were the ones who carried the babies and in the post partum phase their wives or girlfriends were seeking out sexy men to look at.

I have come to the conclusion that this is just something you have to tolerate if you are with a man, they’re not loyal at all.

I’d never have another, not for me 🤮

Why do women tolerate something a man never would?

Even more disgusting when you remember many of these girls were just 16. Says a lot about men 🤷‍♀️

Do you normally find it difficult to understand why the blindingly obvious is a sudden question?

Being married doesn't mean you are not looking at other people.

Would you expect a woman to divert her eyes from attractive men, just because her husband had some surgery? Of course not. He's not shagging his secretary, he's looking at sexy girls. All he is supposed to do is being quiet and respectful about it, same way his wife is expected not to slam a man's bum in front of him.

One partner not being in the mood for a sex life, for any reason, doesn't mean the other one should cheat, but doesn't mean they turned into stone either.

I have no idea. I never want another man in my life, they’re not worth the time for me.

Men don't tend to need to 'tolerate' it because most women don't find pictures of naked men sufficient to turn them on. However would you think it was acceptable if a man said a woman could never use a sex toy to masturbate? I genuinely think that's a closer equivalent.