To be upset over ‘sexy’ videos?

[MumDoingHerBest]

I know I’ll probably get a lot of people saying LTB but I have no intention of doing that, I just want to know whether my response is normal or not, and therefore where to go from here (other than leaving!)…

My DP truly is a wonderful man. He’s a devoted and loving partner, and a fantastic dad to our children. He works long hours with a long commute but the second he walks through the door he’s helping or taking over with the children’s bedtime routines so I can get a break. We’re a great team in terms of the house, neither of us needs to nag the other and I never feel resentful or as though we don’t have a good balance - all this to say that I have zero complaints with regards to our life and my DP and I are very much in love.

However, I saw something a few days ago that has shook me and I simply can’t move past it, no matter how many explanations my DP gives me, it still upsets me. We are looking for some new furniture and he said he’d seen something on a Facebook page so, whilst holding our toddler, suggested I have a look on his phone. I opened Facebook, clicked on the search bar and was confronted with several ‘sexy’ pages he’d recently visited. You know the ones, attractive young girls/women wearing next to nothing and doing provocative dances for the camera. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked but I clicked on a few of them, trying to hide my upset/panic, and to be honest some of the pictures I saw were akin to porn - women bent over wearing thongs, almost everything on show, or women in see through tops jiggling their boobs around.

I basically pretended I hadn’t seen them, and we carried on with our evening, but once the girls were in bed I confronted him. I asked why he’d been looking at these things, and he hesitated for a second before saying “because they’re attractive and I’ve been feeling really horny lately”. For context, I’m 3 months postpartum and our sex life is only just starting to get back to some sort of ‘normal’, although pre pregnancy it was VERY active and now I’m hardly ever in the mood. He knows this is just a normal part of postpartum for me, I’m breastfeeding so my hormones are all over the place, and whilst he still tells me he wants me & occasionally tries to instigate things, he’s very much respectful of the fact that I might say no and never makes me feel guilty or anything like that. He’s more than happy just to cuddle or whatever, but I guess he can’t turn his libido off and so has clearly started looking at these pics/videos instead.

In a nutshell, he says it doesn’t change anything in terms of the way he feels about me. He says he still finds me attractive despite the way I feel about myself (tired, a mess half the time!) and recognises that I am real and he loves me and these women are just nice to look at. There’s a lot more to it than that and he’s genuinely sorry he has hurt me - he has deleted Facebook (I didn’t ask him to) and promised not to do it again, but I’m conflicted about the whole thing. Is it normal? Do most men look at these things? Is it just part of our culture these days, a bit like sexy magazines used to be? Should I be worried? Should I just let it go? He’s getting a bit upset that he’s apologised and explained soo many times but I’m still bringing it up.

So, AIBU for being so upset/annoyed by this? How would you react if you were in the same position? Am I overthinking this way too much??!!

You are only a few months post partum, homonal and emotional, and not feeling very sexy right now, so it's not surprising that this has upset you. It sounds like your dh has been honest with you and what he has been looking at is at the very mild end of the scale. And presumably pretty harmless. You love him and say he is a great dad and partner so I think you should get it go.

I'm actually quite surprised by the majority response on here!

Not that it's a problem - everyone is entitled to their own standards in relationships and openness about what those boundaries are is the key.
So it's totally reasonable to be upset. And totally reasonable that many people see this as a hard no.

But personally, I'm 39 weeks pregnant with multiple complications and my sex life with my partner has been pretty much dead for 2 months... and is likely to be for a while longer! He has never once complained or put any pressure on me about that. I know he's masturbating (he is perfectly open about it) and I suspect he sometimes uses porn for that (haven't actually asked, but we've discussed porn in the past so I know he has watch it previously).

Personally I don't have an issue with this and would certainly see it as less of an issue than other behaviours people regularly post about / put up with for years on Mumsnet (like not helping round the house!). Yeah, I see a lot of porn as exploitative... and we've had discussions around that... but its also a fairly normal human urge.

I would have said it's normal, a lot of men do it (and more women that you'd probably expect or get to admit it) and you shouldn't feel you have to worry.

Although equally, if this is a hard no boundary for you, you should feel about to tell him that and have a discussion about it.

So just an alternative perspective for you!

I would be really hurt but I think it’s worth giving him a second chance.

Devastated? I do think that's an overreaction!

I can understand some people find the idea of masturbating disgusting, off putting, out of order, horrific (for themselves!) but It's hard to picture them having a healthy and happy sex life at the same time, and banning their partner from ever masturbating privately.

Can you imagine a man saying this: if you do that, our marriage is over!
It's weird.

It absolutely is normal. You might not do it, but the fact that you don’t do it doesn’t make it ‘abnormal’.

Yes, the majority of men really don’t care. My DP finds it funny and teases me about it.

If they do care, then they’d be hypocritical to do the same, but there’s nothing here to suggest the OP’s partner does/would be upset if she was looking at the odd video of a shirtless hunk.

Just because it is normal for you and in your relationship doesnt mean it is normal for other people.
Op is entitled to whatever boundaries she is comfortable with.
Unless it's an open relationship where both parties have agreed to their partners looking to others for their sexual needs then it is a form of cheating.

Unless it's an open relationship where both parties have agreed to their partners looking to others for their sexual needs then it is a form of cheating.

Are you serious about calling this "cheating", @Whenthetimeisright ?

So sad that so many women accept this shit as normal. If you have a good man, he wants you, not to look at other women. No, if your man isn’t a gross perve it’s not normal, no wonder they do it when women excuse it. It’s not normal to look at porn, not normal to wank over over women, not normal to accept that men ‘need’ to do this. Having been with men who do this, and now with a good man, the difference is stark. Don’t settle for that shit, good men are out there. I would rather be single than with a gross man who thinks this is okay.

It’s gross. You thinks he’s so amazing and and a fantastic father yet he sees women as objects for his gratification. It’s not normal.

I'd be upset at finding this so openly on his phone - but at the same time I would also know that it's just pictures and titilating videos in scanty underwear and not a reflection of how he sees me or our sex life. I know my DH probably looks at similar but he never refers to it and I trust him to be a good partner. Sounds like he has respected your feelings so I'd just drop it.

Good grief.

Thanks so much to almost everyone who has responded to my post. I genuinely appreciate the different perspectives, but a select few have chosen to be really unkind. I guess that’s par for the course on AIBU… thankfully I’m able to focus on the rational responses, whether in support of me/my perspective or not. Having read through all of your replies and also had another series of ‘chats’ with my DP, I have chosen to let it go and accept it for what I believe it is - pretty harmless viewing which poses no threat to our relationship.

Ironically, since all of this came about, we have been communicating a lot more about our relationship and how we both feel about physical intimacy at the moment. I feel closer to him and vice versa - we have been physically intimate more in the last few days than we have in the last few weeks. We have managed to laugh about the whole thing and discussed our boundaries a lot more clearly - probably something we should have done sooner but there we go. I think the main reason I felt so hurt is because of my own self image issues at the moment, and we have had a conversation about how I can squeeze in more self care, exercise etc and how DP can help with that. I don’t expect DP to refrain from looking at or enjoying these things, and I agree with the posters who suggest it’s similar to ogling over a hot actor or fitness model, but seeing those pics/videos on DP’s FB caught me by surprise and came at a pretty rubbish time in terms of my self confidence, hence the strong reaction. 🥴

Anyway, thanks again for all of your advice. It always helps to see things from others’ perspectives. 😊😊

You don't think its normal to wank over the opposite sex? What should people be wanking over?

Yep. the boundaries for cheating go like this - did you agree to it explicitly? Would you do it in the same room as your partner?

If the answer is no, then it's cheating. The end.

Yes, there are definite levels of cheating, Op's husband sticking his penis in other women would be worse than being the grubby creepy sleazebag he is being - but of course both are cheating.

Cheating in any part of life means taking something unfairly, tricking and lying to someone. That's precisely what this is.

Have the two of you ever had a frank discussion about porn and where the line is? If not, it's past time.
I wouldn't personally have any worries about my partner looking at porn, any more than he would about me readying a smutty book. Frankly, I would feel very weird about a relationship where this is an issue. But clearly it's not a universal opinion.
But clearly not everyone feels like this, which is why it's important to talk about these things before they happen, rather than being upset afterwards.

Every single man does this. That's why I gave up on men.

No, they don't. That's why I got married again. Yep, got access to absolutely every single device in the house, as does he. Yep, we have loads of sex and he has a high sex drive. Nope, he definitely does not behave like this.

Some men are creepy sleazers, some are not. And they don't get a free pass from anyone by pretending they all do it.

For what it’s worth in this day and age I think most people have watched porn at some point and I definitely don’t think it is cheating, even less so with a “sexy video” as you described. If he’s a good husband and father who treats you with respect and loves you - this seems like a non issue to me.

I personally don’t think it’s a massive deal. I know others are LTB as porn is the worst of the worst. Men (and women) get horny. Men like looking at naked/semi naked/sexy dressed women. He apologised deleted Facebook. Sounds like a straight up nice guy. I don’t think anything else needs to be said/done but do you? Not sure you would come on here asking for opinions if you felt that you could/have drawn a line under it and ready to move on.

He wanks to far younger women selling their tits and arses on Facebook three months after his wife has carried and birthed his child - and that's only what she's caught him doing.

So no he's not a good husband and he doesn't treat her with respect.

Glad you’ve had a positive and frank conversation together and congratulations on your healthy marriage. It's clearly tricky to manage relationships around having kids, particularly when you are post partum, so glad you guys are communicating well.