“Don’t lose anymore” (whilst clutching their pearls)

[Whoknowsnotmeshrug]

I’ve always been overweight. Very overweight.

Over the last 20 months I’ve lost 7 stone, slowly, steadily, through calorie counting, exercise, and completely changing my lifestyle. I’m not underweight. I’m not even “ideal” weight. I’m just… not overweight anymore.

And yet people seem to think my body is up for discussion. Old ladies telling me to stop losing weight. People saying I’ve “gone too far” and that they’re “worried.” My mum even said she doesn’t want me ending up in hospital with anorexia.

It drives me mad. I actually feel infuriated by it. It’s not support, it’s intrusive. Am I being unreasonable to want to tell people to mind their own business? Maybe even to fuck off?!

YANBU – They’re nosy, rude, and can’t keep their opinions to themselves.

YABU – They’re just concerned

Oh yes in this case it would be your duty to fix it by mentioning it 🙄

God im glad you’re not my friend!

It’s literally none of your business.

Practice smiling and saying "Hey, why don't you mind your own fucking business?" over and over and over and over. Just keep smiling while you say it. Nothing else. Repeat on a loop. You may as well have some fun with it and it is one of few things that will make them shut up. They'll fall out with you, but who cares? The sweet relief of their silence and absence will be a reward too.

I’m naturally slim and keep myself toned through exercise and my mum is forever saying to me, “You wouldn’t want to be any thinner”.

As if I hardly eat to try to look like this!

I sometimes think we’re so used to seeing people who are overweight we forget what a healthy body looks like.

Well done on your weight loss!

Ignore the stupid comments from others about your weight loss. You can never know their motivation, so don’t dwell on it. Just enjoy feeling good about yourself!

I would have used the medication were it not for the fact that I have gastric problems. As I understand it, if you're using the medication you still need to cut down your intake.

I'm doing it without the meds because I have no other choice. I've said on another thread that the only thing that I've heard against the meds IRL is from a consultant who advised against rapid weight loss.

When I was young, I could lose a stone in a month with no side effects. Now I'm in my 60s and it's taking me a looooooong time.

Just reply Im under gp its all good

And, what exactly would you do?

I developed it relatively recently (in my 40's, now in my 50's) and a) I KNEW I had an eating disorder b) people telling me I was too thin/needed to eat more/drawing any attention to it at all just made it worse and c) it is a mental health condition that needs specialist treatment which, crucially, the sufferer must WANT to engage in.

Weight loss for normal reasons is not going to cause anorexia. However weight loss tools such as WLI, exercise etc can be abused by those who are suffering with the illness in the first place. You steaming in with your "help" is going to do anything but.

Right. I hope you are doing well.

I worked in mental health for several years and with one woman in particular who had anorexia (that is not why I worked with her but she had several mental health challenges and that was one of them). Bringing it up was an absolute NO NO NO according to every bit of training and supervision I received. She did, over time, talk to me about it. I was super careful in those conversations to be clear that I wanted to understand and wanted to help in any way she found respectful and useful, and was listening, not trying to instruct.

She explained to me that she was ALWAYS thinking about food and was constantly and continually hungry. All the time hungry. She could tell me the calorie content of every single bit of food she came across. Food and her weight and how many steps she had done that day and the possiblility of being forced back into hospital was what she thought about for most of the day.

Me bringing it up would have made me an unsafe person to be around for her. She would have considered it disrespectful in the extreme, it would have pushed her mind back onto the same track it was on most of the time, anyway, and what the fuck could I have done anyway?

There are real experts on anorexia who struggle to help people with the illness.

People who experience obesity are also WELL aware, ALL the time of their food choices, weight, health and other people's judgements.

There is NEVER a helpful or useful reason for a friend to bring up another friend's weight or food consumption. You're not their mental health support. You're not trained. You do not know what you are doing. If they bring it up, be super careful and respectful and ask them how you can help.

I cannot repeat this loudly enough - there is NEVER a helpful or useful reason for a friend bringing up a friend's weight or food consumption.

Don't do it.

I think we're so used to seeing overweight people, so used to hearing that BMI is flawed, it's drilled into us that people can't be the shape they want to (which they can, but it only seems to apply when it suits) - that we have forgotten what healthy looks like. And when someone starts to become healthy, it's a shock.

I think there’s no getting away from the fact that once you are over 35, your face suffers if you slim down. My cousin has had weight loss surgery and her size 8/10 body looks fantastic, but her face has aged 20 years in 18mths. We will get used to it, but she looks so different it’s almost a shock, and she does look drawn and almost ill which has been magnified by the very significant weight loss being so fast. But I wouldn’t comment at all - she’s done so well to get to where she is now. People are incredibly rude!

I've lost 5 stone and mostly people have been nice or they've not said anything which is also ok.
What really annoyed me was my long time friend who has always been smaller than me. She's a size 10/12 whereas I was always a size 18/20. When I got to a size 14/16 she was telling me 'don't lose anymore, it's not healthy'. This from someone who has been at weightwatchers trying to get to a smaller size for years despite being a lot smaller than I was then.
I've no idea what she thinks now I'm a size smaller again because she's no friend. I guess I was just the fat friend who made her feel better about herself and I don't need that role.

The last time I lost a significant amount of weight (in my 40s) I told my late DH that I was worried about having a gaunt, wrinkled face. He told me not to be daft - I should be more concerned about my health, and he was right. (No, he didn't push me into losing weight. I'd been listening to other people after I lost the first couple of stone.)

At the age of 65, I'm looking at the health benefits and forgetting about the wrinkles as I try to get back down to a healthy weight.

Congrats on the weight loss! I also have 7 stone to lose and it seems impossible.

Yeah, some people love it when you're the fat friend and they can feel superior. Stick with "Please don't comment on my body", or else a pitying smile and "Dear me, jealousy's a terrible thing, Edna".

I don’t know what it is about people but as soon as your weight changes, they think it’s ok to comment to you about it. It’s none of their business, end of!

I’ve lost a lot too, but through surgery. Did it before through blood, sweat and extreme diet/exercise but put it all back on following an accident. I didn’t have comments the first time, but I think the saggy face (I’m a lot older than the first time) is making everyone think I’m too thin. A colleague called me skinny today, I most certainly am not, same as you, OP, size 14, could do with dropping another stone to be at the ‘correct’ bmi, but if I had the plastic surgery to remove the loose skin, that would probably do it. Further weight loss would wreck my face, I think.

You need to be happy in your skin, OP, ignore comments from others.

It really is not any of your business though is it. That YOU think someone looks gaunt is a you problem. If she’s not technically underweight then there really is no risk to her and YOUR thoughts that she will suddenly binge us again, a YOU thing. You don’t know she’s starving herself and again if she is technically healthy weight then you really are totally inappropriate putting your imagined concerns above her right to not have to have so called friends giving unwanted advice.

if she was desperately underweight you would have cause for concern but you’ve said she’s a healthy weight. So perhaps butt out

CFs.
They’ve all had you in the ‘fat’ box and now you’re out of it.
Smile sweetly and enjoy their discomfort.
You’ve made this happen for YOU - dig your heels in and maintain your new healthy weight. Congratulations x