“Don’t lose anymore” (whilst clutching their pearls)

[Whoknowsnotmeshrug]

I’ve always been overweight. Very overweight.

Over the last 20 months I’ve lost 7 stone, slowly, steadily, through calorie counting, exercise, and completely changing my lifestyle. I’m not underweight. I’m not even “ideal” weight. I’m just… not overweight anymore.

And yet people seem to think my body is up for discussion. Old ladies telling me to stop losing weight. People saying I’ve “gone too far” and that they’re “worried.” My mum even said she doesn’t want me ending up in hospital with anorexia.

It drives me mad. I actually feel infuriated by it. It’s not support, it’s intrusive. Am I being unreasonable to want to tell people to mind their own business? Maybe even to fuck off?!

YANBU – They’re nosy, rude, and can’t keep their opinions to themselves.

YABU – They’re just concerned

Congratulations on this amazing achievement OP. 7 stone!!! That must have taken so much effort!
Ignore these silly people. They are jealous. Sadly people get used to you being the 'fat friend' and hate it when you are getting compliments when you do lose weight.
Enjoy your healthy and happy future!

I've gone from BMI 36.9 to 21.7. I had about two nice comments about "looking well" before the pearl clutchers started. You're a terrible human when you're fat, but it's terrible to lose weight 🤷🏼‍♀️

People generally like fat people to stay fat. It allows them to eat take aways and cake because they aren't as fat as the fat person they know. If the fat person loses the fat it disrupts the order of things.

YANBU

There are seemingly a lot of people out there who are very focused on other people’s weight. I’ve always found this odd and annoying where I’ve come across it, but I think it likely comes from them being overly focused on their own weight.

Obviously health issues are a different matter and I might discuss weight with a relative if I was really worried about them.

I can sympathise somewhat as I’m pregnant and have been surprised that some people have felt it appropriate to comment on my body.

Well done to you!

100% with no input from me. I’m literally minding my own business. And they say it SO LOUD. I don’t like people looking at me (unless it’s in my terms 😆) and find it mortifying! I often don’t even reply and just laugh cos it’s so awkward.

I'm 5ft 8 and size 14/16 and look a bit overweight. So they're talking out of their arses.

People are so weird sometimes.

Couldnt agree more.

If you arent fat anymore then the spare pounds they are carrying cannot just be excused by "Well at least I am not as big as X". And they fact that you have done it by cutting out the crap and having self discipline rather than WLI (which I dont have an issue with btw, but some people do see as cheating), well that is a double whammy. They cant say to themselves "Well yes she lost loads of weight but she could get the injections", because you didnt.

You have dared to get yourself out of the "fat" box, and it threatens their own self image.

Good for you!

That's so fucking rude. They're lucky they aren't saying it to me.

That and "if you have an opinion, now would be a good time to keep it to yourself".

Is it possible that they’re just trying clumsily to convey that, while they see you’ve lost a lot of weight, they also loved you the way you were before?

It’s not always jealousy I can assure you. It can be shocking and worrying seeing someone shrink before your eyes. My mum has lost an incredible amount of weight and every time I see her I feel shocked. It’s made her look older and more frail. Shes so proud of her weight loss and feels she looks a million times better and I feel she’s losing sight that being as thin as possible doesn’t mean the best. I have said please don’t lose any more. I can assure you jealousy doesn’t come into it!

Yeah I agree with this. My mum lost a couple of stone and while I respect that it was helpful for health reasons (she wasn’t overweight before but had other issues), to me it was two stone less of the person I loved. It was also a big personality change as she got quite into being thin whereas she had never been fussed before.

It’s your body and they shouldn’t comment. But the comments might not be about jealousy or wanting to bring you down.

In that case, you get one crack at it. If the person responds along the lines of what the OP has said, e.g. "I'm actually at the top of healthy BMI and my doctor would like me to lose more" that should be the end of any conversation about it.

If she's looking frail, perhaps your concerns about your mum would be better framed around making sure she stays well nourished and fit/strong. Criticising her actual size isn't ever going to be received well.

I agree.

Depending on the age of the mother, thin is best is almost certainly in her mindset.

My mother is 75 and thin is better to her. Doesnt matter how gaunt you look, doesnt matter how ill you are, thin is better. So when she looks in the mirror and sees "THIN!!!!" then thats a win for her.

My sister and I both focus on "I have made this as I know its really good for your bones/blood/energy/sleep" and she will eat it.

Its so hard when the women are of an age that Twiggy and Jean Shrimpton et al were the look to aspire too. Mind you, we had that in the 90's with Kate Moss and "Heroin Chic".

I'm 5ft9 and weighed more than 16st 4lbs. I'm now down to 14st 3lbs - I've moved from 'obese' to the top end of 'overweight'.

I've had people telling me to stop losing weight... My arms are now normal size, as is my bust. Everything else is still fat - my belly noticeably so.

I had the same nonsense the last time I shed a lot of weight 25 years ago.

In your case it sounds unreasonable, as you're not yet in the ideal category. But I'm noticing excessive weightloss making an increasing number of people I know look really unwell and gaunt when they drop too low on weightloss jabs.

My sister for example lost an awful lot of weight and looked great. But now she has taken it too far as she edges towards the bottom end of a normal bmi and is a size 8, which doesn't suit her body shape. I've had a few very lovely and genuine people ask me with concern if she's seriously ill as she looks so gaunt in photos. But I'm loathed to say anything as I don't want to upset her or get a reaction like yours, and I know she's proud of all the weight she has lost.

It's impossible for anyone to say without seeing you.

A few years ago, I also lost lots of weight and people were saying that to me and I felt the same as you. My BMI put me in the overweight category, so I thought they must all be wrong. Eventually so many people were saying it that I realized they were probably right, especially when it got to the point when my swimming instructor wouldn't let me in the lesson until I put some weight on.

Good question.

And if it’s old lady relatives why just not say older relatives, or relatives. Snd if it’s old lady strangers - why would they know the OP has lost weight?

You’ve done amazingly well. I’m in awe of your ability to turn your life around. I’m sorry that people feel it’s ok to comment, i fully understand you wanting to tell them to fuck off. In your shoes I would tell them firmly that the subject is not up for discussion.

I've gone from a size 14/16 to a size 10/12 in six months, BMI 29.6 to BMI 24 and I've only had nice comments saying I'm looking lean. Most people haven't said anything at all. None of the "Don't lose any more!" Not yet anyway. I'd like to lose another few pounds to get to BMI 23 and give myself a little wriggle room, particularly as I may have HRT at some point. I guess in my case visually it's not such a dramatic change and I'm still the same shape.

@Whoknowsnotmeshrug Am here to snoop. How have you lost the weight? Any diet tips? I need to lose 2 to 3 sts (22lbs). I know I need to stop eating pistachios and all that ritter chocolate but seem to have no will power

I think there's 2 factors at work with the "ill/gaunt" thing.

Firstly, most people in ~late 40s onwards are going to start losing cheek fat and getting gaunt in the face if they're slim. When someone goes from obese to normal weight at that age, what you see as a shockingly gaunt face is just the normal, middle aged face they are supposed to have and always would have had if they weren't overweight. Commenting on (mostly womens') "haggard, gaunt" faces after weight loss is bitchy and mean.

Second, some people lose a lot of weight quickly but don't exercise to preserve their muscle mass, which is what gives a nice body shape. So they're slim, but it's mostly bones with whatever flab and loose skin is left over. They won't necessarily look like strapping, healthy specimens but that doesn't mean they are underweight. If this is a loved one of yours, you should be concerned about them preventing frailty and osteoporosis rather than banging on about them being too skinny.

I got the exact same comments when I lost weight! Also the people that seemed mad I wasn't fat anymore 😡 suffice to say I got new friends that weren't jealous or whatever

About 10 years ago I was quite overweight and worked really hard to lose 3 stone. I had a lot of people telling me not to lose any more. Always unprompted. It drove me mad. I was a size 10/12 so not in any way underweight. I don't know what made them think it was ok to say that.

In the exact same position here! I’ve lost 6:5 stone, want to lose a final 10lbs. I’m not underweight, I’m barely even ‘slim’ my BMI (which is flawed I know) is only JUST in the ‘healthy’ range yet I am peppered with ‘you look anorexic’ (I truly don’t) ‘you’ve lost too much’ (nope) ‘you’re too narrow’ and ‘don’t lose anymore’. I am still much bigger than a lot of very slender colleagues who don’t get these comments, I just think my being severely overweight made other people feel better about themselves as I was nicely in the ‘fat box’. I don’t care what other people’s weight is, but people certainly seem to care about mine! It’s so rude and infuriating! I feel you! And well done x