I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Blimey OP

Your children are very insightful and have a good measure of people (and your son is right about debate BTW)

id say you should be proud you’ve raised them that way. The downside is that it means they get the measure of you now and again.

His GF does sound like an annoying champagne socialist but loads of young people are arrogant wankers who grow out of it. I’d much rather smile and say “That’s nice dear” and rise above it than argue with some know-it-all half my age.

And her bluntness - well, she’s French. They’re VERY blunt and straight talking. It takes some getting used to. I have family in France and have learned it’s just in their culture

You’ve had family Christmases for what 30 years while your ex didn’t get to see his children. One without your kids won’t kill you. Go to a friend’s house. If you’re a church goer I’m sure one of your church pals will invite you to theirs

Would repeat the advice not to apologise. I would ask your son (if he raises it again) why on earth he went back and quoted you in a private conversation. I highly doubt he also included his own negative words about her - when repeating this. He has caused this. He should be mediator.

Apologising I also agree- sets a worrying pattern for your future relationship and will put her even more on her entitled and smug high horse. She sounds toxic.

Give it time and space. Don’t communicate. Let it be. Do something lovely for yourself this Christmas.

The only comment now you have clarified is the cocaine use. I would have voiced my disapproval of cocaine use and any issue with that use, I will not be assisting in any way. You owe a dealer and get attacked, not my problem, caught by police, I’m not bailing you out. So crack on but don’t expect my help when you consort with criminals.

To be honest I meet plenty of people I disagree with in real life and online. Regardless of any view any of us hold, it’s our choice to tolerate or not our families views.

They are young and haven’t realised that they know Jack shit, with age comes wisdom and that wisdom is realising what a total shit show humanity is and that insignificant little us rarely makes a difference.

my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

This from your OP might have been a lost in translation moment and actually her being quite nice. Having given birth in France I can tell you that the medical team don't like you gaining more than 1kg a month during pregnancy and wanting to get back to normal after is quite standard.

Although she does sound difficult, you seem to have made Christmas all about you and it being your thing. This is a lot to put on your children as they grow up and get their own lives.

I agree with PP you should do something else this year.

From someone with a French ex mil, yep, I had to scrape my jaw from the floor a few times, especially when I was pregnant and postpartum, but the culture really is completely different!

Your son is total numpty for even repeating what has been said to his other siblings, why in hell he'd tell her these things is beyond me. Why would he want to upset her like that.
I'd apologise for upsetting her so should he, send them a Christmas card and book myself a sunny beach holiday for Christmas and get away from it all.
Next year you'll see Dd and the kids as usual.

This upset me. I have a horrible relationship with my MIL, and myself and my husband have been no contact for over a year now. She verbally abused me, bullied me and made me hate myself for over a year before I finally stood up for myself. When DH called her out, she started using religious manipulation against him saying he is going to hell for going against his mother. She created lies about my DH saying he beat her up etc. I wish she apologised to me just once. Even if she called me now and apologised I'd feel such peace in my soul, despite knowing I will probably never forgive her. I wish I had a MIL like you tbh. You are able to recognise your wrongs, you called both sons to discuss it. I don't know why all the comments are so mean. Your sons gf sounds like the issue.

Go to Australia and see your brother

You all sound awful to me. Talk about shit stirring and back stabbing. Were you a happy family before all of this?
Stop running to your other children relaying messages and opinions as this does not help.
Accept the fact that you will have a different Christmas this year and make your own plans. A new tradition.
And be there for your Son when or if it goes wrong with his girlfriend, because it does not sound healthy. But no more bad mouthing.

Gosh, you were incredibly robust in your criticism of your son’s girlfriend, a bit of a mistake when you’d thought they’d split for good perhaps, but one you then repeated not long after at Easter when they were firmly together?! Do you not learn? He doesn’t need to ‘keep the peace’, he’s obviously very upset with you and your attitude himself. Don’t know why a good number of pps are falling over themselves to blame his girlfriend, it’s not just her, your son has ann issue with you as well.

Agree with this. From your latest updates op, you all sound as bad as eachother in terms of shit stirring.

My twopennoth is that sooner or later you were going to hit a Christmas when no-one was around. That it’s happened under these circumstances is obviously pretty horrible for you.

However. It has happened and so I think you need to focus on creating a different kind of Christmas for you to enjoy. Hopefully you’ll see your DD and her family at some point. What you don’t want to end up doing is wallowing at home feeling sorry for yourself.

Not much you can do about DS1 and his delightful GF, other than hoping they don’t get married! But I do think whoever decided to tell his GF what you’d said while they were spilt is indeed a shit-stirrer and at some point I think I’d address that.

Not great family dynamics that’s for sure, The girlfriend does sound insufferable though, I don’t think I would like her either

I had a conversation like this with my MIL today.

Similar scenario where my mother-in-law wants to force adult siblings and families to have Christmas with her. No one wants to go. I’ve tried to explaining to her that forcing resentful adults to attend a family gathering is definitely not the way forward.

My advice is to wish them well on their way, have a year off & cooling down period and then re-address this another time. I don’t know what you think forcing everyone to attend Christmas will accomplish.

I also don’t think having Family round you every single Christmas is the pinnacle of success. If you have adult children, there is a reasonable chance they will not want to spend Christmas with you. And that’s ok.

Yes i also lived in France for a bit and my understanding is that they have more of a focus and emphasis on new mothers staying healthy and getting back into shape. In a positive way rather than a negative pressure. We could learn a lesson from them in this country.

Sounds like despite the talk of proposals, he may see the light about her on his own eventually. Definitely best you let him come to that conclusion on his own though and keep any negative opinions about her to yourself.

I would take this Christmas out of the equation and let your son know that you’re sorry for the things you said about his girlfriend, how upset you are that you’ve damaged your relationship with him and that you want to have a fresh start with him and his girlfriend. You’ll have to bite your tongue about your disapproval and try and look for the good in her.

Re Christmas this year, although you’ll be sad about not doing your usual hosting and seeing your family on the day, use it do some good and volunteer for a church or community group who are hosting Christmas dinner for the elderly/lonely. Maybe also suggest an alternative Christmas Day with your sons and partners either before or after their holiday.

Apologise unreservedly to your son and his girlfriend as soon as possible - don’t let this fester and grow. Then find a way to get on with the girlfriend because if he does propose you’ll be on the outside of Christmas, weddings and grandchildren forever!

Going forward remember that your right to speak your mind does not trump other people’s feelings.

Lots of families have pre or post Christmas get togethers when they can’t celebrate on Dec 25th. Invite them all over before they go snowboarding and do Christmas meal and gift exchange. Time for some new traditions 🎄

Why on earth would he tell her that?! That was completely unnecessary and has now caused a rift in the family. From now on say nothing to him regarding anyone! What a silly shitstirrer he is!

I’m not seeing what’s ‘smug’ and ’toxic’ about her. She’s been told that OP has been bitching about her behind her back, and very reasonably doesn’t want to be around OP as a result. The sons have chosen to stay away with her, she’s not forced them to. There’s no need to infantilize them because it’s easier to blame her than accept the sons are individuals fully capable of taking issue with OP all by themselves.

The girlfriend comes from a wealthy family (apparently something that needs to be sneered at?), is confident in herself, and is happy to engage in debate. She just isn’t someone OP can relate to, nor someone that will meekly defer to the matriarch. The idea that political debate at the dinner table is rude is a culturally very British, as is self deprecation and avoiding weight as a topic of conversation. That someone from a culture where those things aren’t norm doesn’t expertly navigate foreign decorum does not mean they’re toxic and/or narcissistic. There’s a huge cultural and socioeconomic clash going on here imo.

I was also fine with leaving my parents alone at Christmas. Usually a sibling would go to them but it wasn’t always possible

They expected everything to be done for them, bitched and argued at each other, were rude about the rest of us, and were inhospitable despite insisting on a family Christmas. A wholly miserable experience and a lot of driving as people couldn’t stay there l

Oh dear. Your DS is actually being a little shit here.

My long term ex boyfriend told me a few times, when we were arguing, that his mum said XYZ about me. It was meant to make me toe the line and try to prove to me that he was right and I was wrong and that other people thought I was wrong too.

Lesson learned, apologise, say you take it back and for the future learn to keep quiet, broken up or not.

I really don't understand this OP. You had to know that when you reacted the way you did and said what you did about your sons girlfriend that he wouldn't take it well. Did you think he would say 'you're right mum. I'm going to break up with her now'.

What if he ends up marrying her? What was your end game? You also don't seem to understand the sometimes things get lost in translation and there are cultural issues. I have been in her shoes and there is also a British arrogance which can appear at times too (I'm sorry if this offends anyone but this was my experience).

But I would say this - you don't have to like her but maybe love your son enough to respect his decisions. And since your other son feels the same, perhaps consider there is something that you might be missing.

Also and I'm sorry to say this too - just because you have hosted Christmas every year since you were 23 doesn't mean everyone has to bend to you every year.

Go and visit you friends in Canada or brother in Australia.

As if OP’s view on her is the correct one that the son must realize. That she isn’t OP’s type of person doesn’t make her a terrible one that’s hiding her true self from OP’s son. He can love the very things OP strongly dislikes about her.

I’m going to offer you some insight based on personal experience OP.

When I was young, I had an unsuitable boyfriend and my mum hated him and couldn’t keep her mouth shut about it.

He wasn’t a bad person at all but far too old and he really drank too much.

But she really made my life misery with the way she went on about it. I felt like her criticism of him was also a criticism of me and she was/is very controlling and opinionated. If I’m honest, I haven’t forgiven her and I’m in my mid 40s now and not with him since my 20s.

She actually pushed me together with him by creating the need for me to stand my own ground against her controlling behaviour, and she created heightened emotions which as a young woman, I confused with having serious/strong feelings for the boyfriend.

Honestly, if she could have just kept her own counsel, I would have dropped him after a few months. I was an intelligent and sensible person, so it was completely counterproductive.