Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ok to leave parent alone at Christmas?

84 replies

Famdramm · 15/09/2025 20:46

Long story short, Christmas with my family isn’t perfect but everyone has some level of respect for each other, there’s kids about and people generally try to have a good time and make an effort.

He just has one parent, who’s almost unbearable, really hard to be around. She is vile to everyone and Christmas with her is the most depressing day ever.

We tried bringing the two together, just ruined everyone’s day. DH wants to just do my family going forward as it’s about the kids having fun, I feel like we’re probably evil if we leave a widow alone on Christmas Day. MIL would be outraged if we didn’t spend it with her. We tried suggesting Boxing Day/xmas eve instead but that went down exactly how you’d expect.

coming from a big family, I’d really hate it to just be us, I absolutely love Christmas Day and am totally over the top trying to make it magical for the kids.

So how do you split it if you both have a preference one way?

2 hr drive each way between the 2 parents which we wouldn’t want to do.

and for the vote:
YANBU - Go where you and the kids will enjoy it
YABU - You couldn’t leave her alone on Xmas day

OP posts:
JimmyGiraffe · 15/09/2025 20:48

Would she definitely be alone if she wasn’t with you?

BoredZelda · 15/09/2025 20:50

If he’s ok with it, so should you. I’m sick of being the one who is concerned about my parents on Christmas despite being one of 3 siblings. I’ve decided it isn’t my problem any more.

Cynic17 · 15/09/2025 20:51

Of course it is Lots of people are alone at Christmas and love it. Even if they don't, it's just one day. And none of us is responsible for the happiness of another adult, for goodness sake.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/09/2025 20:51

I assume that your MIL chooses to be awful and it's not because she has some mental health problems?

If your DH wants to spend Christmas with your family, knowing his mother will be alone, I would definitely go along with his wishes without any guilt. She does sound like a horrible person who would ruin your Christmas.

DoubtfulCat · 15/09/2025 20:51

It’s surely up to him? And if she’s horrible to everyone then she’s reaping what she’s sown.

katiecustard2 · 15/09/2025 20:52

I’m not sure why you’d feel obliged to do anything for a woman who is vile and spoils everyone’s day? Can you elaborate? Is she nasty to others?

It isn’t nice to think of her alone but she’s brought it on herself if she can’t be pleasant and civil to others.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2025 20:55

She’s his mum and he doesn’t want to see her! Because she’s horrible. Take his lead and choose a fabulous, happy, stress free Christmas. No one has a right to company at Christmas or any other time.

And I always host and have an open door policy, I’m more the merrier and will feed anyone. But I wouldn’t host someone who was horrible to me or my other guests, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

SpiralSpiritSocks · 15/09/2025 20:57

Could you be really honest with her? That you want to have her for Christmas but she’ll have to follow house rules regarding behaviour?

Pamspeople · 15/09/2025 20:57

Of course it's fine - why would you make your kids spend time with someone horrible? And it's your husband's mum so he can decide and he can deal with her reaction.

Enjoy your Christmas, OP. Don't let a nasty person spoil it. If she's on her own maybe she'll reflect on why no one wants to spend time with her. Well, she probably won't, she'll probably just blame everyone else - but that's up to her.

Timeforabitofpeace · 15/09/2025 20:57

Tell her she’s welcome to come for Christmas, as long as she doesn’t behave like a bitch. Being sad herself, if she is, is not an excuse for being vile.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/09/2025 20:59

I personally also think that there is only so much misery you should take on and if someone spoils it for you then life is too short. I'd let the kids enjoy Christmas and visit some other time if you feel bad.

Besides anything Christmas is just a day. We've had times in my extended family where people have spent Christmas day alone simply due to distance and being unable to take the right time off work. One day of the year shouldn't be the be all and end all.

ApricotCheesecake · 15/09/2025 21:01

We alternate Christmas between my family and DH's. His dad died a couple of years ago and his sibling lives abroad, so that now means that MIL is on her own every other year. We can't combine (too logistically difficult) and I'm not prepared to never have Christmas with my family, so that's how it has to be. We go and visit MIL on Boxing Day instead. Tbf she understands and doesn't moan about it.

Tigerthatcameforbrunch · 15/09/2025 21:02

Timeforabitofpeace · 15/09/2025 20:57

Tell her she’s welcome to come for Christmas, as long as she doesn’t behave like a bitch. Being sad herself, if she is, is not an excuse for being vile.

This.

Id tell her this is how you behaved last time, and no one thought it was acceptable. You are welcome, but it is everyones celebration, so you need to behave. If you can do this then you are always welcome to join us, if you don't then you'll be put in a taxi home and you won't be invited ever again. It's up to you.

Bluddyellfire · 15/09/2025 21:06

I ran round headless last year as always preparing for mother dearest's arrival. She invented a cold 2 days before, cancelled and then made a miraculous recovery. I'll be keeping my mouth shut this year and she can either sit on her own or go with my brother to his in-laws 👋

ExpatDaughter · 15/09/2025 21:07

I will be leaving my parent alone at Christmas. I am sick and tired of being the only one to make an effort to visit regularly, etc etc. I suggested i come over for Christmas so they wouldn't be alone, but it was all handwaved away "i might go to a hotel/wales/USA" and "your family will miss you" (my family know how i am torn on this issue and being the only family member who bothers, they are prepared to make the sacrifice)

So. Sod it. I am staying home and they will be alone unless i can guilt-trip another family member/sibling to finally get off their backside and visit. Or invite. And if people think i'm horrible for doing that, i will have to live with it.

Confusedhormonal · 15/09/2025 21:11

I am the one choosing to be alone this year. My Christmas is spent at my brothers with his partner and her kids, my nephew and my. My partner and I never spend Christmas together as our families don’t mix.

Christmas is normally my dad telling me I eat too much. Brothers partner getting drunk and inviting her drunk mates round, playing music so loud you can’t talk. Her teenagers bring their friends round and also getting very drunk. This starts at 4pm before dinner and goes on till late.

normally there is a fight. People are sick. Neighbours complain. I like caring and a party but not to this extent.

so I have chosen to be alone.

DolefullySingingMotherfucka · 15/09/2025 21:33

It's only a day FFS. She won't die or anything.

MyAcornWood · 15/09/2025 21:35

Why do you think it’s your choice to overrule your husband’s decision about seeing his own parent? He doesn’t want to spend Christmas with her, decision made. You say she’s horrible, why would you ruin everyone else’s Christmas when it doesn’t even make her happy to be there anyway?

meganorks · 15/09/2025 22:03

DoubtfulCat · 15/09/2025 20:51

It’s surely up to him? And if she’s horrible to everyone then she’s reaping what she’s sown.

Yes, I came to say this. If you spend your life being horrible/miserable/awkward you have to expect that no one wants you around. You've already tried and it was a failure, so this time just have a lovely Christmas

DinoLil · 15/09/2025 22:06

I'm alone on Christmas day. And boxing day and new years!

DIL has separated parents so they do Christmas and boxing day one year with one parent and swap it round the next year. New year's is with their friends. I get every 3rd year for Christmas. Just me and my dawg rest of the time.

Just editing to say they live two and a half hours away involving ferry travel and overnight stays because the ferry doesn't run Christmas day. DIL has a huge family, each parent now have new partners and blended families so impractical for me to join them.

saraclara · 15/09/2025 22:16

I'm a widow who's not unpleasant, loves Christmas, and loves my family. But even people like me can't always expect to be in the heart of the family Christmas on the day itself. My kids have in-laws too, and one DD is a nurse and might have to work on the day.

I've been very lucky so far, and have only spent one Christmas Day entirely alone, but it could easily happen again this year.

As long as I get to see them all on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, it's okay.

So yes, have your Christmas Day with the people you want to be with, and tell her that Boxing Day will be your Christmas with her.

Original poster
Famdramm · 15/09/2025 22:28

She’s not mentally unwell, she’s just horrible. We made excuses for her that it was because her husband died, but that was 20 years ago now and patience is thin.
She will talk down to everyone, compares DH to his wonderful brother (who hasn’t come back to the U.K. to see his mother in 20 years)
She will spend all day questioning why people are eating and if we have ‘burned off’ the calories yet. Then explaining how her friend cooks a much better turkey than this, or the wine isn’t expensive enough, or ‘what an underwhelming spread’, that sort of thing.
DH told her she was out of order for how rude she was to my family and no longer invited, she said my family just ‘lack the intellect to match her conversation’

The more I think about it, the more it makes my skin crawl thinking of having Xmas day with her again. Is it bad if we do it every year? Are we obliged to see her atleast every other do you think?

OP posts:
Bluddyellfire · 15/09/2025 22:34

Confusedhormonal · 15/09/2025 21:11

I am the one choosing to be alone this year. My Christmas is spent at my brothers with his partner and her kids, my nephew and my. My partner and I never spend Christmas together as our families don’t mix.

Christmas is normally my dad telling me I eat too much. Brothers partner getting drunk and inviting her drunk mates round, playing music so loud you can’t talk. Her teenagers bring their friends round and also getting very drunk. This starts at 4pm before dinner and goes on till late.

normally there is a fight. People are sick. Neighbours complain. I like caring and a party but not to this extent.

so I have chosen to be alone.

I think I'd give that a swerve as well!

Endofyear · 15/09/2025 23:06

If my MIL was rude to my family, I definitely wouldn't be inviting her! Your DH doesn't want her there so why should it bother you? She reaps what she sows 🤷‍♀️

Butterflywings84 · 15/09/2025 23:13

Famdramm · 15/09/2025 22:28

She’s not mentally unwell, she’s just horrible. We made excuses for her that it was because her husband died, but that was 20 years ago now and patience is thin.
She will talk down to everyone, compares DH to his wonderful brother (who hasn’t come back to the U.K. to see his mother in 20 years)
She will spend all day questioning why people are eating and if we have ‘burned off’ the calories yet. Then explaining how her friend cooks a much better turkey than this, or the wine isn’t expensive enough, or ‘what an underwhelming spread’, that sort of thing.
DH told her she was out of order for how rude she was to my family and no longer invited, she said my family just ‘lack the intellect to match her conversation’

The more I think about it, the more it makes my skin crawl thinking of having Xmas day with her again. Is it bad if we do it every year? Are we obliged to see her atleast every other do you think?

You’re not obliged to do anything. She sounds awful. Do you see her much the rest of the year? Is she ever nice to be around? Do your children like her?