Page 3 | Is it ever ok to leave parent alone at Christmas?

Famdramm · 2025-09-15T19:46:07+00:00

Long story short, Christmas with my family isn’t perfect but everyone has some level of respect for each other, there’s kids about and people generally try to have a good time and make an effort. He just has one parent, who’s almost unbearable, really hard to be around. She is vile to everyone and Christmas with her is the most depressing day ever. We tried bringing the two together, just ruined everyone’s day. DH wants to just do my family going forward as it’s about the kids having fun, I feel like we’re probably evil if we leave a widow alone on Christmas Day. MIL would be outraged if we didn’t spend it with her. We tried suggesting Boxing Day/xmas eve instead but that went down exactly how you’d expect. coming from a big family, I’d really hate it to just be us, I absolutely love Christmas Day and am totally over the top trying to make it magical for the kids. So how do you split it if you both have a preference one way? 2 hr drive each way between the 2 parents which we wouldn’t want to do. and for the vote: YANBU - Go where you and the kids will enjoy it YABU - You couldn’t leave her alone on Xmas day

noidea69 · 16/09/2025 09:26

MyAcornWood · 15/09/2025 21:35

Why do you think it’s your choice to overrule your husband’s decision about seeing his own parent? He doesn’t want to spend Christmas with her, decision made. You say she’s horrible, why would you ruin everyone else’s Christmas when it doesn’t even make her happy to be there anyway?

She's worried about how she feels about the situation.

She isn't worried about the situation itself, or how her husband feels, its how she feels about the situation.

RidingMyBike · 16/09/2025 09:29

Don’t invite her, and make clear why.

No one has to be on their own on Christmas Day, unless they want to be. There are various community Christmas lunches, restaurants etc advertising locally, some high priced, some intended to provide company for those living on their own. She could go to one of those if she doesn’t want to be on her own.

Okrr · 16/09/2025 09:33

I have just read the examples for horridness. Have you told her she is rude?
She might keep her mouth shut a bit more, although it is hard to change true nature.

BMW6 · 16/09/2025 09:36

Okrr · 16/09/2025 09:33

I have just read the examples for horridness. Have you told her she is rude?
She might keep her mouth shut a bit more, although it is hard to change true nature.

Edited

RTFT!!!!!!!

2chocolateoranges · 16/09/2025 09:36

Having read your update there is no way I’d be spoiling my Christmas Day ever again. Do what makes you happy on Christmas day and if she asks why she isn’t invited be honest, that she is a nasty woman who spoils the full day.

spend time with people who make you happy.

with that attitude she has I’m not surprised her other son hasn’t been home in 20 years,

Trickedbyadoughnut · 16/09/2025 09:46

You need to support your DH's decision on this.

BettysRoasties · 16/09/2025 09:50

Its ok to not spend time with horrible people.

Horrible people eventually become alone just as they also become old. Being old or alone doesn’t make someone suddenly nice and deserving.

When you see people moan ah but nobody comes to see frank in the old folks home. No because Frank was a grade A arsehole who was horrible to everyone so nobody wants to see him. It’s Franks fault he is the bad guy, not the people not visiting.

Your mil is frank. Leave her to her own horrible ways and thoughts alone.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/09/2025 09:52

Famdramm · 15/09/2025 22:28

She’s not mentally unwell, she’s just horrible. We made excuses for her that it was because her husband died, but that was 20 years ago now and patience is thin.
She will talk down to everyone, compares DH to his wonderful brother (who hasn’t come back to the U.K. to see his mother in 20 years)
She will spend all day questioning why people are eating and if we have ‘burned off’ the calories yet. Then explaining how her friend cooks a much better turkey than this, or the wine isn’t expensive enough, or ‘what an underwhelming spread’, that sort of thing.
DH told her she was out of order for how rude she was to my family and no longer invited, she said my family just ‘lack the intellect to match her conversation’

The more I think about it, the more it makes my skin crawl thinking of having Xmas day with her again. Is it bad if we do it every year? Are we obliged to see her atleast every other do you think?

She sounds awful. I'd follow your husband's lead on this one.

ohtowinthelottery · 16/09/2025 10:01

She's given you a perfect reason not to invite her with her vile and ungrateful comments about your hospitality.
Your DH can just say to her that she clearly doesn't enjoy the food and drink you provide, so she will surely be better off not coming and having exactly what she wants to eat on Christmas Day.

Lurkingandlearning · 16/09/2025 10:05

It would take an awful lot for me to leave someone alone at Christmas. What you described in your second post would be more than enough. She isn’t even trying to deny being rude. The things she says would be rude to anyone including people who have higher IQs than she has. She just likes hurting people and ruining the day.

I would turn it round on her and say that you will no longer be subjecting her to your lower intellects and trust she will find a more pleasing way to spend Christmas.

Let the nasty cow pull her own cracker.

JimmyGiraffe · 16/09/2025 10:07

Sadly my brother is usually on his own over Christmas. No one else will host him, so it was always left to me, but even I ran out of patience in the end

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 16/09/2025 10:08

Of course it’s okay 👍

Grumpyrager · 16/09/2025 10:09

Famdramm · 15/09/2025 22:28

She’s not mentally unwell, she’s just horrible. We made excuses for her that it was because her husband died, but that was 20 years ago now and patience is thin.
She will talk down to everyone, compares DH to his wonderful brother (who hasn’t come back to the U.K. to see his mother in 20 years)
She will spend all day questioning why people are eating and if we have ‘burned off’ the calories yet. Then explaining how her friend cooks a much better turkey than this, or the wine isn’t expensive enough, or ‘what an underwhelming spread’, that sort of thing.
DH told her she was out of order for how rude she was to my family and no longer invited, she said my family just ‘lack the intellect to match her conversation’

The more I think about it, the more it makes my skin crawl thinking of having Xmas day with her again. Is it bad if we do it every year? Are we obliged to see her atleast every other do you think?

With those comments having been made, you don’t ever need to invite the cow again.

Bloozie · 16/09/2025 10:11

Christmas is just one day.

Plan a new year brunch with her or something.

GAJLY · 16/09/2025 10:15

Perhaps visit her on christmas eve and bring a cake to share.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/09/2025 10:15

Don’t be a martyr, of course it’s ok to leave an unpleasant woman on her own at Christmas. Even her son doesn’t want her to come, so why should you bother? She’s alone because she’s rude and obnoxious, you reap what you sow and all that! Anyone who was rude about my family like that would not be getting an invite or a visit ever, let alone at Christmas!

Thundertoast · 16/09/2025 10:25

I mean you could look at it this way, its pretty weird that we expect people to put up with horrible people that we wouldn't normally choose to spend time with because a particular combo of people decided to shag. Your in laws had a quick fumble after Eastenders 40 years ago and now because of that she feels like she has the right to be horrible to people(your family) and still get invited back every year? Its SO WEIRD when you think about it. If you feel horrendous still, try telling yourself its an experiment and you aren't saying forever (right now) you are just experimenting with doing it this year - I find that helps me calm down a bit.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/09/2025 10:32

DH told her she was out of order for how rude she was to my family and no longer invited, she said my family just ‘lack the intellect to match her conversation’

In which case why would she even want to spend the day with those she considers so far beneath her?

If you must entertain her at all say you'll see her on Boxing Day instead and tell her exactly why, but do be prepared for a sudden "medical emergency" on Christmas Eve

Been there, done that

Gassylady · 16/09/2025 10:33

Famdramm · 15/09/2025 22:28

She’s not mentally unwell, she’s just horrible. We made excuses for her that it was because her husband died, but that was 20 years ago now and patience is thin.
She will talk down to everyone, compares DH to his wonderful brother (who hasn’t come back to the U.K. to see his mother in 20 years)
She will spend all day questioning why people are eating and if we have ‘burned off’ the calories yet. Then explaining how her friend cooks a much better turkey than this, or the wine isn’t expensive enough, or ‘what an underwhelming spread’, that sort of thing.
DH told her she was out of order for how rude she was to my family and no longer invited, she said my family just ‘lack the intellect to match her conversation’

The more I think about it, the more it makes my skin crawl thinking of having Xmas day with her again. Is it bad if we do it every year? Are we obliged to see her atleast every other do you think?

Good lord not at all unresonable if you never ever spend another moment with her after that update

Goggleboxermum · 16/09/2025 10:37

Come on op grown a backbone
dont be a Maryter so someone that’s horrible to you and everyone else

she’s had loads of chances

if you do let her join in, give her a final warning that if she behaves that way again next year you’ll see her on New Year’s Day

don’t let her spoil it

Sugargliderwombat · 16/09/2025 10:41

Famdramm · 15/09/2025 22:28

She’s not mentally unwell, she’s just horrible. We made excuses for her that it was because her husband died, but that was 20 years ago now and patience is thin.
She will talk down to everyone, compares DH to his wonderful brother (who hasn’t come back to the U.K. to see his mother in 20 years)
She will spend all day questioning why people are eating and if we have ‘burned off’ the calories yet. Then explaining how her friend cooks a much better turkey than this, or the wine isn’t expensive enough, or ‘what an underwhelming spread’, that sort of thing.
DH told her she was out of order for how rude she was to my family and no longer invited, she said my family just ‘lack the intellect to match her conversation’

The more I think about it, the more it makes my skin crawl thinking of having Xmas day with her again. Is it bad if we do it every year? Are we obliged to see her atleast every other do you think?

Nope!!! That's enough to politely not invite. You clearly didn't enjoy it so we will see you a different day. The loudest person does not get to negatively impact everyone else's day.

BunnyLake · 16/09/2025 10:51

If she’s just a really awful person (no mh issues) then she reaps what she sows. I wouldn’t feel bad about not including her and I’d probably tell her why, if pressed.

phoenixrosehere · 16/09/2025 11:07

Thundertoast · 16/09/2025 10:25

I mean you could look at it this way, its pretty weird that we expect people to put up with horrible people that we wouldn't normally choose to spend time with because a particular combo of people decided to shag. Your in laws had a quick fumble after Eastenders 40 years ago and now because of that she feels like she has the right to be horrible to people(your family) and still get invited back every year? Its SO WEIRD when you think about it. If you feel horrendous still, try telling yourself its an experiment and you aren't saying forever (right now) you are just experimenting with doing it this year - I find that helps me calm down a bit.

I mean you could look at it this way, its pretty weird that we expect people to put up with horrible people that we wouldn't normally choose to spend time with because a particular combo of people decided to shag.

Agree. Why enable their behaviour simply because they’re family? Why have your Christmas ruined putting up with such people when they could be better and choose not to and worse double down.

It’s their own fault that their behaviour is so rude that no one wants to have them around and if they cared, they would stop but if people keep inviting them anyway, they are likely going to continue to see nothing wrong with it.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/09/2025 11:17

If anything someone like that might even enjoy the opportunity to complain to other people about their cruel family abandoning them. You'd be doing her a favour.

Frogs88 · 16/09/2025 11:39

You aren’t obliged to go. Personally I wouldn’t go somewhere my children wouldn’t be happy as to me that’s the whole point of Christmas. I never visit my mother on Xmas and neither does my sibling. Even though she is incredibly rude to everyone she still manages to find friends to spend Xmas with so I’m sure your MIL will manage too.