Is it ever ok to leave parent alone at Christmas?

[Famdramm]

Long story short, Christmas with my family isn’t perfect but everyone has some level of respect for each other, there’s kids about and people generally try to have a good time and make an effort.

He just has one parent, who’s almost unbearable, really hard to be around. She is vile to everyone and Christmas with her is the most depressing day ever.

We tried bringing the two together, just ruined everyone’s day. DH wants to just do my family going forward as it’s about the kids having fun, I feel like we’re probably evil if we leave a widow alone on Christmas Day. MIL would be outraged if we didn’t spend it with her. We tried suggesting Boxing Day/xmas eve instead but that went down exactly how you’d expect.

coming from a big family, I’d really hate it to just be us, I absolutely love Christmas Day and am totally over the top trying to make it magical for the kids.

So how do you split it if you both have a preference one way?

2 hr drive each way between the 2 parents which we wouldn’t want to do.

and for the vote:
YANBU - Go where you and the kids will enjoy it
YABU - You couldn’t leave her alone on Xmas day

It's his call OP. Let him deal with it. He can have the conversation again with her about her behaviour and see if she can rein herself in for future Christmases. She has a year.

Agree. You aren’t doing this for her you are doing it to stop yourself feeling bad at the thought of it.

We havent seen family on Christmas Day for the last few years. We are a blended family and it’s difficult enough for us working out when we will see our own kids and indeed our time with them is halved already anyway. So we have our Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day from midday is just me and DP.

I make this really clear to family including my own mother - who for the last couple of years has gone to my sisters. I know she wants to spend it with us, but unfortunately she also massively oversteps her time with us too - will arrive hours before we have asked her too and will also stay a lot longer than we want her to as well and tends to make her entire visit all about her.

So now we just make it us and the kids - because we put us and them first. You do you OP.

If she's awful and unpleasant, the natural consequences of that are her family doesn't want to be around her and spoil their holiday.

Sucks to be her.

Don't martyr yourself and make your kids' holidays unpleasant to cater to a nasty person. That's being a doormat.

"she said my family just lack the intellect to match her conversation"

That comment is absolutely enough for your DH to use.

"We're spending Christmas Day with Famdramm's family. You've made it clear that you don't like them, so we will arrange to see you on Boxing Day instead"

And if she blusters and maintains that she fine with them, he brings up how rude he was to then last time, and quotes the above.

The more I think about it, the more it makes my skin crawl thinking of having Xmas day with her again. Is it bad if we do it every year? Are we obliged to see her atleast every other do you think?

Don't ever host her again would be my suggestion. Including non-Christmas arrangements. Why put up with someone's rudeness when you don't have to? No law that says you HAVE to invite anyone to your house.

I'm a strong believer in actions having consequences. If you're unpleasant to other people, expect other people to draw back and avoid you!

...it doesn't sound as if she enjoys the day.

If you don't ask her and she kicks off, simply say, "But you don't like coming. You're always ratty and miserable..."

More to the point, if he's alright with not asking her, it's really not up to you to tell him he's wrong. You might just have to feel guilty about it quietly, for everyone else's sake.

Honestly I would just not invite her and if she says anything, just say, "We assumed you would want to go abroad to see your favourite son, or to your friend who cooks the turkey better than we do, or to any one of your other friends who have the intellect to match your conversation and don't put on underwhelming spreads with cheap wine. I mean, when you think about it, I can't see why you would ever want to spend Christmas with us."

I’d be honest with her tbh. She’s an adult and needs to know that she ruins Christmas and people don’t want to spend it with her. Maybe she will change or make an effort, maybe she’ll cut you off. Who cares? She’s not a child.