Is it ever ok to leave parent alone at Christmas?

[Famdramm]

Long story short, Christmas with my family isn’t perfect but everyone has some level of respect for each other, there’s kids about and people generally try to have a good time and make an effort.

He just has one parent, who’s almost unbearable, really hard to be around. She is vile to everyone and Christmas with her is the most depressing day ever.

We tried bringing the two together, just ruined everyone’s day. DH wants to just do my family going forward as it’s about the kids having fun, I feel like we’re probably evil if we leave a widow alone on Christmas Day. MIL would be outraged if we didn’t spend it with her. We tried suggesting Boxing Day/xmas eve instead but that went down exactly how you’d expect.

coming from a big family, I’d really hate it to just be us, I absolutely love Christmas Day and am totally over the top trying to make it magical for the kids.

So how do you split it if you both have a preference one way?

2 hr drive each way between the 2 parents which we wouldn’t want to do.

and for the vote:
YANBU - Go where you and the kids will enjoy it
YABU - You couldn’t leave her alone on Xmas day

No I think she needs to be told that after last Christmas you don't want to spend it with her because she was just so rude. She needs to be told!

Maybe a few Christmases on her own will teach her a lesson.

Exactly this.

Your husband says "it seemed like you didn't really enjoy a big family Christmas last year, so we'll pop over and see you on boxing day/whenever instead"

Shes made her bed. She can't have it both ways.

She'll be having the Christmas she's learnt then. If your DH doesn't want her, follow his lead.

My MIL was dreadful for constantly wanging on about how much better/different Christmas was at any of her 5 other children's houses with her much better grandchildren. I don't think she realised that from September onwards her children would engage in "Christmas Chicken" to see who would give in and invite her, and who could hold out. She was just as happy by herself eating a plate brought down and then watching what she wanted on the telly and not having to share her sherry and chocolates.

I’d not invite her either. She sounds awful!!!!

My kids are with their Dad this year, I asked my mum if she wanted to come over and she politely declined 😂. She prefers to be in her own home doing her own thing.

I shall be spending Christmas Day delightfully alone with the dog, drinking champagne in my pyjamas and enjoying the tidiness. I still do all the present wrapping and buying for the kids so will enjoy the day of rest. I’ll do a mini Christmas when they come home.

My mil spent her whole life like this up until her mil died. Her mil was vile to her! It's so sad as my mil is the nicest person but she spent her marriage miserable because of "his mother".
No advice here but I sympathise

I don't think you can leave her our without making it clear that it's her own fault for being a mood hoover.

"Sorry, we're seeing Famms family this year and you've previously said you don't enjoy their conversation, didn't like the turkey or wine and found our spread underwhelming. Perhaps we can come to you on the 27th?"

OP, I’d tell her in words of one syllable that clearly she prefers the absent brother; that you know your cooking doesn’t come up to snuff, and that as she has observed, your family don’t come up to her intellectual level, but as there are more of them and they will be coming, you know she won’t want to come and slum it with a sub-par dinner, second-rate wine and people who are simply beneath her, so she will understand that you prefer not to invite her. Call her bluff - she’s the one who’s been belittling your family and your cooking skills, so don’t let her spoil it for everyone else - it’s just not fair on them (or you).

SIL brought her neighbour to MIL's for Xmas one year.
Despite having family it seems that for some reason nobody wanted to spend xmas with the sweet little old lady
It soon became apparent why, she was awful. After dinner and the minmum of politeness we all decamped into another room and left her to SIL.

Your DH needs to have a serious word with her if he wants to invite her, and remind her to behave like a guest and have a few manners. People who accept invitations into other people's homes, happily eat and drink and sit on their arses and then have the audacity to be rude make me want to fucking scream. There's NEVER an excuse for it.

I have a strong suspicion MIL had a similar chat with SIL before we hosted xmas and she was astonishingly lovely that year compared to the previous visit, so sometimes it does work.

She can be nice or not come. Her choice.

I think it's up to your husband and if he doesn't want her there for Christmas you have to respect his wishes.

Christmas is over rated it is a Sunday dinner at the end of the day and inviting family members you don't get on with the rest of the year is absolute madness in my book also going into debt to buy a bunch of that that no one needs or wants is crazy also

I hosted Christmas last year for the first time- period to that my parents did every year as mum loved it and they had a big house. My dad came (mum died last year) and was rude and hurtful to my husband. He won't be coming to my house for Christmas again. If a guest behaves badly in your home they don't get to come back and do it again IMO. Honestly I'd hate to leave him on his own but I will still maintain that boundary. Thankfully I have other siblings who would like to host.

I think I would leave her alone for one year and then let her know she can come the following year if she is kind, pleasant and doesn't let any negative comments come out of her mouth. If that means her sitting in silence then so be it. She may be an adult but she needs to be taught some manners.

"she said my family just lack the intellect to match her conversation"

Given all of the reasons she complained you should tell her that she can go and be with people who will match her conversation, will pay more for wine and put on a better spread. The word spread gives me the ick.

She has brought this on herself so these are the reasons to give her.

Honestly, it sounds as if she would be miserable whether you invite her or not. At least if she's at home alone, there's only one miserable person.

And PLEASE don't drive between them on the day, DH and I tried that once years ago and it ruined the whole day.

Reframe the question… is there any reason I should invite a a rude and ungrateful guest to my home for Christmas to the detriment of all other guests … if anyone asked you this what would you say?

imo she doesn’t want to be there or she would be appreciative… so she can stay home where she’s happy

There are a few posts about how the H of the family won't stand up to his dreadful family and everyone is lumbered with them.

@Famdramm you have a H saying "let's just have a nice Christmas as we are"
So run with it.
You don't have to get involved just agree, that's it, all you have to do is agree and you get the Christmas you want. How much easier do you need it to be?

I spent YEARS putting up with a nightmare relative who would then ruin Christmas for everyone, as otherwise they would be on their own.
One year I just thought, I’m not doing this anymore.
Now I just don’t invite them, and we all have a much better time.
My only regret?
All the years I fell over backwards to include him.
Sod your MIL, she sounds absolutely vile.

@Famdramm you are not obliged to ever see someone so nasty.

Think of it like this.

Option A - she has a ruined Christmas because she’s so nasty to everyone else that she’s left on her own (but sounds like she wouldn’t enjoy it whatever happens). But everyone else has a wonderful Christmas.

Option B - you invite her over and no one has a wonderful Christmas.

Sometimes you have to, for the greater good. Similar issue with my father in law. We’ll see him Boxing Day!

Your own husband doesn’t want to be around her so it’s really not for you to go and invite her out of some imagined obligation. She can go visit the faultless brother, or maybe ruminate on why her son doesn’t want to ruin his kids Christmas with her presence this year.

No, don't have her and don't feel guilty. I'd feel rubbish if F-i-L was ever left alone at Christmas because he is lovely. He rambles on telling the same stories over and over and takes 40 mins to leave the house but he is kind and sweet and we love him.

But she has isolated herself with her bitchy comments. If she complains, I'd be fairly direct with her and say in a very sweet and understanding voice: 'Christmas really matters to us. We love to enjoy it. But you always tell us you find our spread 'underwhelming', the wine not expensive enough (why not bring some, then?) the cooking not as good as your friend's, the conversation below your intellectual standard. The constant criticisms and negativity really spoil the mood so unless you are willing to make a huge effort to be jolly and appreciative, we think it best if you spend Christmas with people who live up to your exacting standards.' I honestly think being blunt with mean relatives, but in a very gentle, slightly concerned and puzzled tone, is the way to prevent them being manipulative forever more.

Horrible people don't have an automatic right to be hosted. She couldn't be civil so she has forfeited her chance of a repeat invitation.