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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow SIL to take my child unsupervised

87 replies

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 19:06

Hey,

I am struggling with how to navigate family life after my child was abused by inlaws child. (13 year age gap between children).
This happened a number of years ago, our family life with extended family members broke down and we do not have much contact.
I have protected my child and it was reported to SS at the time. In-laws minimised abuse and mostly expected to carry on family life as normal etc and did not respect my boundaries (supervising kids, open doors etc). I couldn't deal with this so only see them when I have to. This includes my children and they do not have much contact with those in-laws apart from birthdays and Christmas, never without me or their dad.

Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first.
I think this is because the child is older now and interested in similar things.
I am not comfortable with this as in my opinion my SIL is not a safe adult to take my child due to her inability to respect my boundaries after the abuse.

DH is fine with SIL taking child on outing. Her child that abused ours would not be present.

Am I being unreasonable to say no? I feel very strongly about this.

OP posts:
Lostworlds · 15/09/2025 19:10

No I fully understand why you’re hesitant to this suggestion. If she approached you and your dh and suggested an outing then it would have given you time to think about it and discuss it . I assume she mentioned it directly to your child which is unfair as your child will want to go.

They need to respect your boundaries. What’s happened is awful for everyone involved, including your SIL but that doesn’t mean she has any say on what boundaries you have created.

Definitely not unreasonable to say no.

stayathomer · 15/09/2025 19:12

Do you mean actual physical abuse op? How are they allowed around them at all?

Tagyoureit · 15/09/2025 19:14

Nope, never in a millions years would i allow that and I wouldnt even be on speaking terms with SIL!!

Keroppi · 15/09/2025 19:17

No and I would be clear with your child about why specifically they are not safe adults (ignoring boundaries etc unsafe behaviour) and what happened to them, if they are comfortable chatting about it.

Time to get interested in whatever it is your child is into and accompany them yourself or offer to take out a friend of your child's as a treat.

WilfredsPies · 15/09/2025 19:19

Hell would freeze over before anyone who minimised it would get within a million miles of my child again, supervised or not, and irrespective of birthdays or Christmas.

If you cannot trust her to put your child’s safety and welfare as a priority, which includes open doors etc and not minimising anything, then you cannot trust her to keep your child safe.

goldenretrieverenergy · 15/09/2025 19:21

No. And I am quite shocked you are still seeing them at all! I’d be no contact with them all from the moment they minimized it.

ThreenagerCentral · 15/09/2025 19:26

I’ve said YANBU because your feelings are valid. I do think there are some more facts that would be useful though, such as how old is your child now? Do they want to do the activity? If they’re an older teenager and feel safe, I might be tempted to let them. It gives the power back to your child.

Motnight · 15/09/2025 19:31

It's the fact that your sil directly contacted your child to suggest going out and didn't go through you that is really worrying. I'd say no.

Scarlettpixie · 15/09/2025 19:37

Why does your SIL have access to your child. I would be a no from me (based on the info provided).

567OverwhelmedFTM · 15/09/2025 19:39

Why is the parent of someone that abused your child still in your life? Why do they have contact at all? What do you mean by abuse?

GoldDuster · 15/09/2025 19:42

Hell would freeze over first. Not least because she attempted to sneak round the back way by asking your child rather than speaking directly with you. Nope. Not a chance.

MissDoubleU · 15/09/2025 19:43

Not a chance in hell would my child be unsupervised with any of these people. Not only are they directly linked to your child’s abuser, they have minimised the abuse.

Fiercely protect your child, especially from those proven to stand by those who do them harm.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 15/09/2025 19:48

If she's happy to try to sneak around your rules to ask your child directly, I wouldn't trust her at all not to have her child present at some stage. She sounds like the sort of personality that would have to be 'right' and prove her child is not a problem, at the expense of your child's safety. - 'oh, I had to pop home to get my handbag' 'they were nearby so met us for lunch' 'your DC needed the toilet so we had to go home'

Frankly I'd have nothing to do with any of them if they were so dismissive about what happened.

CharlieKirkRIP · 15/09/2025 19:52

I’m suspicious of her motive. If her child hurt yours which causes the family rift, why is she so keen to get your child alone now?

MadeForThis · 15/09/2025 19:52

If anyone in our family minimised the abuse of my child they would never see them or me again.

BruFord · 15/09/2025 19:56

Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first.

The fact that she tried to do this without asking the parents first is a huge red flag IMO. How dare she do that, it’s absolutely not on.

Plus the previous history-I completely agree that she should never take your child on outings. I’m fuming on your behalf that she tried to sneakily do this. 😤

Honestly, what's wrong with people who think that they have “the right” to spend time with someone else’s child (regardless of what the parents think- and/or behind their backs)??

Livelovebehappy · 15/09/2025 20:00

How old is your child OP? Not saying it should make a difference, but with you saying a number of years ago, is your child a young adult now?

Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:03

stayathomer · 15/09/2025 19:12

Do you mean actual physical abuse op? How are they allowed around them at all?

They are still my DH family. My children do not have unsupervised contact with SIL family.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:06

Keroppi · 15/09/2025 19:17

No and I would be clear with your child about why specifically they are not safe adults (ignoring boundaries etc unsafe behaviour) and what happened to them, if they are comfortable chatting about it.

Time to get interested in whatever it is your child is into and accompany them yourself or offer to take out a friend of your child's as a treat.

Thanks Keroppi.
We do this and I have an amazing relationship with my kid.

SIL inserts herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:08

Tagyoureit · 15/09/2025 19:14

Nope, never in a millions years would i allow that and I wouldnt even be on speaking terms with SIL!!

If they were not DH family I would not have wanted to keep in contact.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/09/2025 20:14

@BeHeartyFox OP Was this physical abuse?? where was sil at the time if she was meant to be watching them?? what did ss say? If I was you it would be a big fat NO!! your dh and all your in laws should not be pushing this!

Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:17

ThreenagerCentral · 15/09/2025 19:26

I’ve said YANBU because your feelings are valid. I do think there are some more facts that would be useful though, such as how old is your child now? Do they want to do the activity? If they’re an older teenager and feel safe, I might be tempted to let them. It gives the power back to your child.

That is true and I feel guilty for not wanting to allow that.
For more context and reasons for my not wanting my child to be alone with SIL

  1. Not respecting my boundaries/minimising abuse
  2. Shows obvious favouritism between my children, Infront of them. This affects my youngest who notices.
  3. Speaks horribly of her other young nephews and their parents.
  4. Speaks ill of me to her children (her youngest let slip a few things mum had said. SIL blamed child and said she was lying.)

If my husband were to go on the outing with them then I'd accept that. However he does not, I facilitate the outing by attending with my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:19

stayathomer · 15/09/2025 19:12

Do you mean actual physical abuse op? How are they allowed around them at all?

I would rather not go into detail. As I said in post, I reported to SS.
They are not around them unsupervised.
It has been infrequent contact until SIL recent interest in one of my children.

OP posts:
Tubestrike · 15/09/2025 20:20

How did your sil contact your child? Was it directly or via a third person? Either way it would be a no from me . And family or not, I'm surprised your husband still wants contact with them.

BruFord · 15/09/2025 20:23

Keep talking to your child and ensure that they understand the reasons for the boundaries, I.e. to keep them safe.
Your SIL sounds like a complete weasel after your latest update.