To not allow SIL to take my child unsupervised

[BeHeartyFox]

Hey,

I am struggling with how to navigate family life after my child was abused by inlaws child. (13 year age gap between children).
This happened a number of years ago, our family life with extended family members broke down and we do not have much contact.
I have protected my child and it was reported to SS at the time. In-laws minimised abuse and mostly expected to carry on family life as normal etc and did not respect my boundaries (supervising kids, open doors etc). I couldn't deal with this so only see them when I have to. This includes my children and they do not have much contact with those in-laws apart from birthdays and Christmas, never without me or their dad.

Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first.
I think this is because the child is older now and interested in similar things.
I am not comfortable with this as in my opinion my SIL is not a safe adult to take my child due to her inability to respect my boundaries after the abuse.

DH is fine with SIL taking child on outing. Her child that abused ours would not be present.

Am I being unreasonable to say no? I feel very strongly about this.

Of course, but don’t feel you have to. It may be just as useful for you to ruminate on it as to have a Mumsnetter offer an outside view. Don’t put yourself in a position you’re uncomfortable with.

I agree with @Everyonesawher.

@BeHeartyFox, even under your supervision SIL was able to swoop over to your children to push her toxic agenda. She is a narcissistic abuser who feels entitled to drip her poison and control the narrative. Your weak and codependent H is blind to the havoc she is capable of wreaking.

SIL has proven that your agency and boundaries mean nothing to her, and she clearly feels entitled to bulldoze over them. As her actions are destructive to both children’s
well-being, I would permanently cut contact. My children would no longer be allowed to be in her presence, even supervised.

Equally puzzled and OP hasn't answered this really.

OP, your DH wants to be in contact with people whose son raped your child and denied it and covered it up? Like, in what universe is this even conceivable?

I'd be taking my child to the other end of the country, not allow DH to see him unsupervised and if found and challenged, use every penny I have on a solicitor.

the OP did not say the cousin (also a child) raped her DD. We have no idea what the cousin is supposed to have done nor how old either child was at the time or is now.

A hard no.

I think you need to respect your own boundaries OP. There has been abuse, significant enough that you have reported it to social services. There would be no further contact with this branch of the family, it were my child.

Keep her far away from your dc.... For all the reasons you have stated..

That would mean nothing to me and if my dh insisted I keep up contact, id be leaving him!

1000% - doesn’t matter how much I love that man he can let the door smack his ass all the way back to his mammy’s basement for all I care.

Protect your goddamn kids 👏🏻

I have clinically diagnosed C-PTSD and my entire life would have been considerably different if I wasn’t made to continue contact with my abuser because they were family. I now have had zero contact with either of my parents for 14 years and I will not break that. Ever.

Think long and hard OP.

I would have cut all contact immediately dead at time of abuse. I wouldn't give them a second chance to abuse my DC. I'd be furious and explain to your DC why they can't go with an adult who would not safeguard them.

Very weird.

I wouldn’t trust the parent of an abuser with my child. Most abusers are abused themselves. Very dodgy situation, the fact DH enables it as well would not be ok with me.

What if they’d abused another minor @youalright and had been convicted and imprisoned?