To not allow SIL to take my child unsupervised

[BeHeartyFox]

Hey,

I am struggling with how to navigate family life after my child was abused by inlaws child. (13 year age gap between children).
This happened a number of years ago, our family life with extended family members broke down and we do not have much contact.
I have protected my child and it was reported to SS at the time. In-laws minimised abuse and mostly expected to carry on family life as normal etc and did not respect my boundaries (supervising kids, open doors etc). I couldn't deal with this so only see them when I have to. This includes my children and they do not have much contact with those in-laws apart from birthdays and Christmas, never without me or their dad.

Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first.
I think this is because the child is older now and interested in similar things.
I am not comfortable with this as in my opinion my SIL is not a safe adult to take my child due to her inability to respect my boundaries after the abuse.

DH is fine with SIL taking child on outing. Her child that abused ours would not be present.

Am I being unreasonable to say no? I feel very strongly about this.

She asked my child on outing Infront of their sibling too, who she left out. Sibling would have been more age appropriate for the outing (same age as her own other child, who did not want to go).
She shows major favouritism to one of my children. A pattern over years and not one off.

Yes it was awful for their family too, we had a conversation as such. However things fell apart, I soon became the problem for sticking to boundaries etc.

She's STILL not respecting boundaries. Absolutely no way.

No contact. At all ever. I was sexually abused by my uncle (married to my maternal aunt) and my cousin, his son. I didn’t disclose. Life long impact.

No contact, ever, at all. Protect your child

Was this directed by social services? Surely the perpetrator was arrested? How old were the victim / perpetrator?

You haven’t said how old the child is, but if the abuse happened “a number of years ago” I’m assuming that they’re not very young. So while your thoughts and feelings are totally valid, at some point the child will need to be allowed to make some decisions themselves about who they spend time with and what they do with them.

Yes, but if they’re under 18, the parents still need to be aware of what they’re doing and who they’re with. It’s totally inappropriate for an older adult to ask a child/teenager on an outing without talking to their parents first. This isn’t a couple of teenagers arranging to hang out at the park.

It doesn’t matter that she’s the auntie either, she still needs to ask the parents.

Presumably the child told their parents about the invitation -thank goodness they’ve been taught to do this.

No bloody way !

I’ve got an aggressive manipulative sibling, and she has tried a few times to suggest outings when I’m visiting my parents that only she can go on, ‘there’s no space in the car’ (for me) but there is for her and my kids. It’s about SIL wanting to be vindicated as decent rather than wanting to spend time with your kid.

Erm no, yanbu. Why on earth would you let your kids out with someone you know to be off? There’s no need is there?

take the family relationship out of it - would I let any adult I didn’t fully trust take my kid out? No. It’s that simple.

if they’re a young adult who is completely solid in their boundaries and tells you everything - it’s likely to be ok - but still…why the need to exclude you?

I really cannot understand why you have contact with sil, obviously the abuse would make me keep a massive distance, but everything else you’ve said would make me go completely nc. Your Dh is entitled to have a relationship with his family, of course, but you and your dc don’t need to be polite and have contact. They minimised the abuse! They can fuck off, frankly. Of course your sil doesn’t get unsupervised contact with your child, but why would you pander and go out with her? I’d run a bloody mile.

Fuck. No.

Tell SIL to do one.

Regardless of the nature of abuse, it was abuse and serious enough to be reported to SS, and who is to say she is not attempting to groom your younger child for her maybe child/teen/adult child. Who is to say that child/teen/adult wont abuse the next child in line. Hell would freeze over first let me tell you

Don’t be ridiculous. An abused child, by a relative - are you really saying the parent can’t make a decision here?! If the child wants to go, would you let them?!!

That makes it even worse! What’s wrong with your husband that he’d have anything to do with people who’ve abused or minimised abuses of his own child?! Why have you allowed it?

Imo your sil should never even be in a room with your dc. Fuck the faaaamily line.

I’m so sorry - I accidentally clicked that you’re being unreasonable when you’re absolutely not 🫣

I would completely cut her off, I'm surprised that your DH is willing to let his sister have anything to do with your children at all.

GOd knows what she'd say to your DC if she was alone with her/him - could she be trying to get them to say that the abuse by her son never actually happened.

So sorry you've got such shitty in-laws. As others have said, this is an opportunity to let your DC know that their aunt crossed boundaries and you don't trust them.

Fuck that - not a chance in hell.

Um I think you are the one who is ridiculous, when OP hasn’t provided any indication of the age of the child, but her post suggests that it is an older child. Are we talking about a preschooler? Hell no, I wouldn’t let them go. Are we talking about a 16 year old? It probably wouldn’t be a blanket “no”. It would be more about having a conversation with the child about risks, choices, etc.

Even at 16, it wouldn’t be a blanket no?!

I can say with 100% confidence my 16 would not be allowed anywhere with that family.

Why does she need to take your DD out without you? She’s saying her own DC won’t be there but don’t you think it’s really weird ( creepy) that she’s even suggesting this. What point is she trying to make? That she can do what she wants ?
She’ll be getting her DC there soon as she can, she’ll say it’s time you were all one big happy family , what are you making such a fuss about?
TBH, I wouldn’t let my DD near the abuser, or the abuser’s parents.

@TappyGilmore So you’d be fine with your 16-year-old going on an outing with someone older whom you didn’t trust?

Your SIL sounds emotionally violent. Her words and actions will deeply impact your DCs. I wouldn’t have her near my family.

Looks to be that she’s seeking revenge or vindication - she wants the scalp - she will post this all over social media to prove her innocent and who knows if they will ‘accidentally’ bump into the older DC.

Your DH is from a toxic, enmeshed, dysfunctional family - his own judgement is way off due to his up bringing and trying to keep the peace.

He is wrong - you need to pick up his job here as well as your own to protect your DC (both of them) - I wouldn’t give a flying fuxk if my ILs dissed me - the priority is protecting your DCs emotionally and physically - no compromises no risk. Massive boundaries. Hold on to your power.

Your SIL is self serving.

I’m really struggling to understand this. Your child was abused by a cousin? Social services involvement but never taken to the police? And you still see the family? And are annoyed that she left your other child out of an invite?

None of this makes sense. Sorry but you’re clearly omitting key information. No parent would keep their child in contact with someone who physically abused them and then complain that the slight on your younger child was not being invited somewhere.

Sorry I've not made it clear.

The past abuse and the families refusal to fully accept and respond appropriately to boundaries and safe guarding is the main reason for my children having no unsupervised contact.

The abuse was not the parents fault, however they did not seek help for their child or accept my safeguarding rules.

I went on to list other reasons for believing why SIL is not a safe adult to allow my children alone time with. Favouritism between my children.

To make it clear, I am not ok with her having alone time with my kids.

It was still hurtful of her to show clear favouritism to one and exclusion of the other.

It made my blood boil. I just feel that it was very intrusive of her.
For context, we hadn't seen her in 6months before then. She is not involved with the kids in any other way, or has ever had them for a day out etc.