To not allow SIL to take my child unsupervised

[BeHeartyFox]

Hey,

I am struggling with how to navigate family life after my child was abused by inlaws child. (13 year age gap between children).
This happened a number of years ago, our family life with extended family members broke down and we do not have much contact.
I have protected my child and it was reported to SS at the time. In-laws minimised abuse and mostly expected to carry on family life as normal etc and did not respect my boundaries (supervising kids, open doors etc). I couldn't deal with this so only see them when I have to. This includes my children and they do not have much contact with those in-laws apart from birthdays and Christmas, never without me or their dad.

Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first.
I think this is because the child is older now and interested in similar things.
I am not comfortable with this as in my opinion my SIL is not a safe adult to take my child due to her inability to respect my boundaries after the abuse.

DH is fine with SIL taking child on outing. Her child that abused ours would not be present.

Am I being unreasonable to say no? I feel very strongly about this.

We saw them because of another family members celebration.

I don't know, I find it incredibly weird/strange too.

This is how I feel about it.

I would never dare speak to any of my nieces/nephews about taking them somewhere etc without first asking their parents.

They are a young adolescent. Very trusting personality and see the good in everyone.

SS were not helpful.
No SIL was not supposed to be watching them at the time.
My child was very young and is not aware of what happened. Only knows that their cousin is not a safe person to be around.

I think even without the horrendous back story, I’d be mighty pissed off at someone suggesting something to one DC, excluding another and all behind my back so I have to pick up the fall out. It’s sneaky and any reasonable grown up with kids knows it’s not acceptable.

I’m mainly inclined to think I’d be in the “over my dead body” camp if I were in your shoes. But I’m wondering if there’s a different but reasonable perspective.

Why is your DH okay with this? How old is your DC now? How would DH characterize the abuse, what happened after in terms of ignoring boundaries and your SiL’s sudden, recent interest in one favoured child?

I'm so sorry this happened to you xxx

Is it ok to PM as some info could be very outing?

Thank you for explaining. Could I ask why you haven’t involved the police? Is that the family influence?

I’m puzzled about your priorities, OP. Your child was abused by a member of your ILs’ family, but you’re talking about favouritism and speaking unpleasantly about people behind their backs etc — stuff that seems very minor. Why does your DH want to continue contact with people who were responsible for his child being abused?

Particulary when grooming and love bombing behaviour is a trait of abuse an adult needs to step in and protect a child who can’t see the full picture from limited life inexperience

Its hard to say if yabu or not as significant information is missing. Some people misuse the word abuse and are just drama llamas. Ss where not interested the police where not contacted the whole family thinks your overreacting, there's still contact and your dh has no problem with your dd being alone with her aunt and your very focused on favouritism its odd. If someone actually abused my child the police would be called and we would be zero contact ever again.

Police were contacted. The child has a mark on their record.
SS were unhelpful and we were very unsupported with the whole process.

Is the favourite child for SIL the one her child abused?

From an earlier response of mine. The past abuse and the families refusal to fully accept and respond appropriately to boundaries and safe guarding is the main reason for my children having no unsupervised contact.

The abuse was not the parents fault, however they did not seek help for their child or accept my safeguarding rules. This is my reason for minimal contact.

For more context, I went on to list other reasons for believing why SIL specifically is NOT a safe adult to allow my children alone time with.
Favouritism between my children.
Speaking I'll of other young kids and their parents etc.

To make it clear, I am not ok with her having alone time with my kids.

What does ‘a mark’ on their record mean? This really feels like the police haven’t done their job, and your family have been left without the hard support of action or conviction to make you feel you can cut these people off.

I think because he feels close to his sister.
He does not have anything to do with the child who abused ours.

No support whatsoever.
As far as I'm aware, if they were ever to do anything like that again, their record shows they have a previous incident.
Hopefully would never be allowed to work with children. We reported for justice and to stop future abuse.

So this teen abused someone, yet nothing was done? Just cut contact with your ILs. And report the police for misconduct. A child was abused and the abuser got a caution.

Edit (sorry): Hopefully he won’t be able to work with kids in the future? If he abused one then it needs to be a case where he will never. Genuinely I’m perplexed as to why this hasn’t resulted in criminal charges.

Not being around the abuser unsupervised is good but implies your child is forced to be around their abuser supervised. They should not have to be out in this situation.

I would be questioning why your DH puts his abusive family in front of the safety and comfort of his own child. Why isn’t he more interested in putting distance between his precious child and the people who abused and excused abuse?? You instead feel you have to maintain these horrible relationships for him alone. Why?

Yes.

I'm currently seeking legal advice as I do not understand why more was not done either.

I was abused as a pre teen by a close relative whom I did not live with. My parents despite knowing ignored them for a short time before making me attend family events. He would approach me at these events though it made me uncomfortable. They could see his behaviour but still made me go and it affected my relationship with them. My siblings saw it too and it affected their relationship with our parents also. I did not feel protected and it has had long term impact on me.

I felt that they put my abuser and family before me. I honestly think you need to review having any contact with any of them and think about the damage being done to both as the younger child is seeing this behaviour and hearing their aunt favour their sibling. As for your DH let him keep contact but protect the children

edited to add: she has shown no concern for boundaries, belittled what her child did and is trying to isolate your child like a groomer does. Whether your child remembers exactly what happened or not. They know her child should not be near them. Who’s to say that their abuser won’t turn up at this activity after trust has been established?

Again, if my beloved DH whom I love more life itself put his family member who, let’s not mince words, abused my young child, he would be explaining his reasoning in divorce court. There is no way on God’s green earth or any other imagined world that I would even consider putting his feelings about his family above my child.

Do not let this child down to placate a man who clearly isn’t taking this incident as seriously as he should.