That DH has gone out for lunch

[Farmwifefarmlife]

With his friend rather than us on his birthday ?

DH birthday today we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner. I asked him yesterday his plans for today if working ect ( he’s self employed) he said he wasn’t sure. Then this morning he says he’s going for lunch in town with friend. Me and DC are left at home and I feel a bit put out tbh especially as I’m currently baking a cake and making home made donuts for him!
AIBU to feel a bit miffed and that we all could have gone out as a family.

Another thread where I can't believe some of the replies.
Of course OP is not being unreasonable to expect them to have lunch together on his birthday when that is what they usually do.
I would be definitely wondering why he has decided to upset his wife and children by spending his birthday with a friend he sees very often and very regularly.
In good MN tradition I would be taking note of this change in his behaviour and would be on the alert for other signs he no longer prioritises OP.

He's not unreasonable to go; you're not unreasonable to be disappointed.

You are unreasonable for not saying to him, 'You've got no plans? Ace! The kids and I would love to take you out to lunch' though, when you asked him the night before what his plans were and he said he had none.

You say he is a day by day person. Fine. But if he has no plans the night before, you could have made plans with him. Why didn't you?

I don't think you're unreasonable OP. It depends what is the usual and accepted way of celebrating birthdays in the household if the birthday person is free. It sounds like the custom is to celebrate together with a daytime meal out.

H did not communicate that he might want to do something different/without you this year if he was free. He just sprang on you last minute (despite knowing you were keen to know he was free) that he was free but wanted to celebrate without you. I would have felt hurt in your situation.

It's not about "letting him go out with his mate". It's about him just brushing you aside as an irrelevance when he must have known you were hoping to celebrate with him if he was free. He could have managed your expectations much more kindly.

You were asking him his plan (in other words saying you wanted to spend the day with him)

That's a bit of a leap though.
Asking someone their plan for the next day, does not equal "saying you wanted to spend the day with him"

If anything, the fact he said he had no plans, and the OP didn't then suggest something, implies she didn't want to.

If she was implying she wanted to, then the conversation would have gone:
OP: "You got any plans tomorrow?"
DH: "no"
OP: "Shall we go to that pub over in the next village at lunchtime then? Jane was saying they've got a new menu. It will be nice to do something for your birthday"

Maybe DH felt you were U for right up until the morning of his bday, arranging or suggesting something. So when his mate said fancy a bday lunch he thought why not?

Certainly isn’t in our house. My first son was born on his Dads birthday. My second son was then born on his Dad’s birthday. Dad no longer has a birthday….🤣

This.

Asking someone what their plans are for their birthday is absolutely not the same thing as telling someone you'd like to celebrate their birthday with them by doing xyz if they're free.

I can't tell if the passiveness is because what OP really wanted was her DH to initiate plans with her and so was presenting him an opening to do that instead of actually inviting him to do something for his birthday (his birthday isn't the time for that game, btw) or if it's just a default communication pattern. But if the friend is the only one who actually invited him to do something for his birthday then going out to lunch isn't unreasonable.

But it's lunch, not an all-day trip three counties over. Get the DC set up with cake and presents and an early dinner together so you can also celebrate him as a family.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.... He should want to spend his birthday with you and your dc. Then have a drink etc with friends another day...
If be dining.. Never mind it's his birthday, surely he should want to spend it with his significant other??!!!
Sorry this has happened for you.. Another uncaring man!!

Why not go out for lunch another day as he has been out with his friend?It seems odd asking him if he had any plans and then not even suggesting g lunch if he was available. Maybe he went out with his friend as you don't appear to have made much of an effort to organize anything.

Yes! Misconceptions about self-employment are rife. People seem to think it means total control over your work schedule. For many self-employed people it’s almost the opposite. Ask any criminal barrister. They might be able to block out a holiday without someone telling them they can’t go away at that time of year, but they don’t know what they’re doing tomorrow morning! Oh and then they have to cancel the holiday….

It is very odd for him to leave you and young DC at home and meet a friend he sees multiple times a week. Especially as it's what you usually do for birthdays, and you haven't been out for lunch as a family in six months.

Posters on AIBU will tell you you're unreasonable for breathing, @Farmwifefarmlife. It's often not a place you can get a reasonable reality check anymore. Just judgement and nitpicking.

Done apologise for how you're feeling, YANBU.

• Don't apologise for how you're feeling.

I would also be upset OP, why should you be stuck at home baking a cake when you haven’t been out together for 6 months? You sound very tolerant. I would definitely say something.