Page 4 | That DH has gone out for lunch

Moonlightbean123 · 15/09/2025 15:40

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 14:16

YABU as you didn’t actually arrange to do anything with him.

I think what op is trying to say is her hubby's schedule is funny, she never thought she would have to make 'plans in advance ' with her own husband. She assumed if he was free, he'd be free for her and the family. You dont prioritise mates on your actual bday instead of your family. I'm sorry you don't.

NoSoupForU · 15/09/2025 15:41

nomas · 15/09/2025 15:38

Have you read OP's posts? She has explained countless times that due to her husband's job, any plans have to be last minute.

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Yes I have. If the friend could make plans then so could the wife, no? So it reads like a lack of communication and assumption.

ainsleysanob · 15/09/2025 15:42

MathsMum3 · 15/09/2025 14:15

He's self-employed so must know if he's working the next day or not. Why didn't he know? And why didn't you then ask "Well if you're not working, let's go out as a family"?

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We provide Reactive Maintenence for Large retail premises amongst other businesses and we have self-employed sub-contractors who do not know what they are doing until the receive a phone call, from me, telling them if an emergency reactive job comes in on the day.

nomas · 15/09/2025 15:43

NoSoupForU · 15/09/2025 15:41

Yes I have. If the friend could make plans then so could the wife, no? So it reads like a lack of communication and assumption.

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The plan with the friend was made last minute, AFTER OP spoke to her DH about plans for his birthday.

Just2 · 15/09/2025 15:44

Not a happy marriage generally I’m guessing, and this tip of the iceberg

Just2 · 15/09/2025 15:46

Has he returned from lunch yet?

ginasevern · 15/09/2025 15:48

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:34

What are you on about?

OP didn’t arrange anything for her DH’s birthday and so he’s gone out for lunch with his mate - what does that have to do with female colleagues and forgetting your wives’ birthday?

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She tried to ask him what was happening on his brithday and she couldn't pin him down. He was being vague. She had a reasonable expectation that they would go out for lunch as a family, based on the past 20 years of experience. On the actual morning of his birthday he says he's going out with a mate. They are farmers and leisure time as a family is extremely rare. I think most wives in that situation would be a bit sad. But, as I said, this is Mumsnet where apparently no other woman would give a toss and would actually wave him off with a cheery smile planted on her face.

LovePoppy · 15/09/2025 15:49

He probably thought you wouldn’t care as you didn’t make plans

its his birthday why shouldn’t he do as he wanted?

banananas1999 · 15/09/2025 15:50

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 13:56

With his friend rather than us on his birthday ?

DH birthday today we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner. I asked him yesterday his plans for today if working ect ( he’s self employed) he said he wasn’t sure. Then this morning he says he’s going for lunch in town with friend. Me and DC are left at home and I feel a bit put out tbh especially as I’m currently baking a cake and making home made donuts for him!
AIBU to feel a bit miffed and that we all could have gone out as a family.

Wouldnt happen on my household. My husbands treats me and the kids on his birthday (meal out) and buys me a present (new phone or something he thinks i nee dor would like) even if I havent got him one.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:59

ginasevern · 15/09/2025 15:48

She tried to ask him what was happening on his brithday and she couldn't pin him down. He was being vague. She had a reasonable expectation that they would go out for lunch as a family, based on the past 20 years of experience. On the actual morning of his birthday he says he's going out with a mate. They are farmers and leisure time as a family is extremely rare. I think most wives in that situation would be a bit sad. But, as I said, this is Mumsnet where apparently no other woman would give a toss and would actually wave him off with a cheery smile planted on her face.

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She didn’t try and pin him down, she just asked if he had plans and he said no. If she wanted to go for lunch she had ample opportunity to arrange something 🤷‍♀️

phoenixrosehere · 15/09/2025 16:03

Is it possible that friend invited him to lunch for his birthday?

18kgold · 15/09/2025 16:06

His friend is special compared to the norm "we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner"

next time do something our of the old same ol and he would stay with you

Just2 · 15/09/2025 16:06

This is just the upshot of an unhappy marriage 🤷‍♀️

ginasevern · 15/09/2025 16:11

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:59

She didn’t try and pin him down, she just asked if he had plans and he said no. If she wanted to go for lunch she had ample opportunity to arrange something 🤷‍♀️

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"DH birthday today we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner. I asked him yesterday his plans for today if working ect ( he’s self employed) he said he wasn’t sure. Then this morning he says he’s going for lunch in town with friend."

She asked him if he was planning to work on his birthday and he said he wasn't sure. So what was she actuallly supposed to do? As a farmer it's pretty unlikely that he'd be able to make plans with the mate that very morning so it sounds as though he wasn't being entirely honest either.

MyMilchick · 15/09/2025 16:13

YABU, just have cake when he gets home

Whatwouldnanado · 15/09/2025 16:20

So order his favourite take away to have with the kids tonight with the birthday cake. Hope he had fun with his mate. Book a meal out another time.

Skybluepinky · 15/09/2025 16:21

His birthday, his choice, they way you are moaning thought it must be your birthday.

Homegrownberries · 15/09/2025 16:22

You're acting like it's your birthday, not his.

pusspuss9 · 15/09/2025 16:24

Donury236 · 15/09/2025 15:06

You're not BU.

Yes, you could have said last night that if he isn't doing anything does he want to go get lunch as a family...BUT ALSO, he could have said this morning "I'm meeting X, we could all go as a family".

That's how we do it in our house. For birthdays its a family meal and we can invite others if we wish. It is also usually decided the day off as we are a bit useless like that, and often OH might be offshore.

What sticks out is that he didn't ask you if you wanted to go...Though I would assume that maybe if he had said "X has asked me to meet them for lunch as its my birthday, is that ok? I've not seen them in a while. Do you want to come or shall we do something after?" That you would probably have been totally fine with it, told him to go have fun and then baked as you are now to have a wee tea party when he gets in, yes?

absolutely agree with this. I would have been massively pissed off in your situation. What he's done is not OK

Luckyingame · 15/09/2025 16:24

YABU.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 16:28

ginasevern · 15/09/2025 16:11

"DH birthday today we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner. I asked him yesterday his plans for today if working ect ( he’s self employed) he said he wasn’t sure. Then this morning he says he’s going for lunch in town with friend."

She asked him if he was planning to work on his birthday and he said he wasn't sure. So what was she actuallly supposed to do? As a farmer it's pretty unlikely that he'd be able to make plans with the mate that very morning so it sounds as though he wasn't being entirely honest either.

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So when he said he wasn’t sure, why didn’t she say “oh, shall we go out to X then?”. It sounds to me like she didn’t make any plans so he took it upon himself to sort his lunch out.

Women on here are always told “go out and leave him at home” when their partners don’t make any birthday plans, which is exactly what he’s done 🫣

Mauro711 · 15/09/2025 16:35

What's your relationship like normally? It doesn't sound like you are very close or do much together. Maybe he knows it would be uncomfortable going out together. He quite clearly prefer the company of his friend, birthday or not.

NoSoupForU · 15/09/2025 16:45

nomas · 15/09/2025 15:43

The plan with the friend was made last minute, AFTER OP spoke to her DH about plans for his birthday.

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I must live in a different world because in my house it would very much be

"What's your plans for your birthday?"
"None made as not sure if I'll be free"
"Well if you are free let's go out for lunch"

After which the husband wouldn't go and make plans with the friend because you've already had a conversation which is clear.

nomas · 15/09/2025 16:48

NoSoupForU · 15/09/2025 16:45

I must live in a different world because in my house it would very much be

"What's your plans for your birthday?"
"None made as not sure if I'll be free"
"Well if you are free let's go out for lunch"

After which the husband wouldn't go and make plans with the friend because you've already had a conversation which is clear.

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I agree that's how it should work, especially as OP says they rarely get to go out.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 16:50

NoSoupForU · 15/09/2025 16:45

I must live in a different world because in my house it would very much be

"What's your plans for your birthday?"
"None made as not sure if I'll be free"
"Well if you are free let's go out for lunch"

After which the husband wouldn't go and make plans with the friend because you've already had a conversation which is clear.

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Yep, exactly.