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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That DH has gone out for lunch

113 replies

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 13:56

With his friend rather than us on his birthday ?

DH birthday today we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner. I asked him yesterday his plans for today if working ect ( he’s self employed) he said he wasn’t sure. Then this morning he says he’s going for lunch in town with friend. Me and DC are left at home and I feel a bit put out tbh especially as I’m currently baking a cake and making home made donuts for him!
AIBU to feel a bit miffed and that we all could have gone out as a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:59

dottydaily · 15/09/2025 14:57

you asked him yesterday what the plans were for today, so i assume he taught nothing was planned,,and therefore made arrangements to meet his friend. You could of said "for your birthday tomorrow shall we all go for lunch somewhere" but you act like he should know what he is thinking.

yes You’re right I would of just thought after 20 years it was fairly normal as that’s what we’ve always done but I should of been more definite and will be next time.

OP posts:
FieryA · 15/09/2025 14:59

Knowing his work schedule, don't you have a set plan in place for such occasions? Or there shud have been a discussion to say- if you are busy in the day, we will do X in the evening. I agree it's a bit insensitive to go out last minute with his friend. Did you not discuss any birthday plans today morning either? Such as, let's cut the cake at lunch or shud we go to Y today?

skippy67 · 15/09/2025 15:01

Once your a parent your birthday isn't really about you

Blimey.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:02

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:56

There isn’t a huge problem I just feel a bit miffed, we will still do the usual birthday dinner at home / cake ect we just don’t spend much time together just feels like he’s choosing his friend over his family a little today that’s all.

Show quote history

Family doesn’t always have to come first.

How often does he see his friends?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:04

FieryA · 15/09/2025 14:59

Knowing his work schedule, don't you have a set plan in place for such occasions? Or there shud have been a discussion to say- if you are busy in the day, we will do X in the evening. I agree it's a bit insensitive to go out last minute with his friend. Did you not discuss any birthday plans today morning either? Such as, let's cut the cake at lunch or shud we go to Y today?

Not really no that’s not really how we work I understand I should of been more firm and said let’s go out if your free it’s just we normally do and DH isn’t big on taking time off from the farm so I was just surprised that’s all.

OP posts:
Samscaff · 15/09/2025 15:05

When he told you yesterday that he wasn’t sure what he would be doing today, I don’t understand why you didn’t say "Lets go out for lunch! Where would you like to go?"

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:05

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:02

Family doesn’t always have to come first.

How often does he see his friends?

Show quote history

It’s only the one friend & probably 3-4 times a week, I joke he spends more time with “friend”
than me he’s a father next door and they are always helping eacother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:06

Samscaff · 15/09/2025 15:05

When he told you yesterday that he wasn’t sure what he would be doing today, I don’t understand why you didn’t say "Lets go out for lunch! Where would you like to go?"

I agree that’s what I should have done. We just normally do and I was just surprised this morning that’s all.

OP posts:
Donury236 · 15/09/2025 15:06

You're not BU.

Yes, you could have said last night that if he isn't doing anything does he want to go get lunch as a family...BUT ALSO, he could have said this morning "I'm meeting X, we could all go as a family".

That's how we do it in our house. For birthdays its a family meal and we can invite others if we wish. It is also usually decided the day off as we are a bit useless like that, and often OH might be offshore.

What sticks out is that he didn't ask you if you wanted to go...Though I would assume that maybe if he had said "X has asked me to meet them for lunch as its my birthday, is that ok? I've not seen them in a while. Do you want to come or shall we do something after?" That you would probably have been totally fine with it, told him to go have fun and then baked as you are now to have a wee tea party when he gets in, yes?

Samscaff · 15/09/2025 15:07

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:06

I agree that’s what I should have done. We just normally do and I was just surprised this morning that’s all.

Show quote history

Fair enough!

OuijaBoard · 15/09/2025 15:08

Unless he has a history of dishonesty, I'd guess he told you the truth yesterday when he said he had no firm plans, then his friend asked him late yesterday or today if he had plans and when the answer was no, invited him for a birthday lunch. (I have friends who would be quite insistent on taking me out under these circumstances, although you might have expected that your husband would have said he was probably going to lunch with you and the children if that's what you all normally do). YANBU to be a little bit surprised/disappointed but I don't think that your husband or the friend have done anything wrong. If it's still bothering you I'd probably ask him about it - did he not expect your usual lunch even though no firm plans? - and see what he says. You said in one of your follow-up posts I did say then that we could of gone out as a family if he’d of told me the evening before he was going to be around; did he respond to that?

smallpinecone · 15/09/2025 15:11

So you’d like him to spend his birthday doing what you want him to do, rather than what he’d actually enjoy?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:20

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:05

It’s only the one friend & probably 3-4 times a week, I joke he spends more time with “friend”
than me he’s a father next door and they are always helping eacother.

Show quote history

Ah, so there we have it - you’re pissed off that a work friend (and therefore work) has come first again.

BuckChuckets · 15/09/2025 15:21

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:05

It’s only the one friend & probably 3-4 times a week, I joke he spends more time with “friend”
than me he’s a father next door and they are always helping eacother.

Show quote history

Brokeback Mountain, but farmers? 😂

Absentosaur · 15/09/2025 15:26

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:25

We always go out as a family for birthdays normally for lunch as have young DC it’s just very difficult to pin DH down. I’m clearly being unreasonable so I apologise for feeling upset.

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Of course YANBU! I’m surprised so many people are suggesting you are.

No one is saying a person can’t spend their birthday with their friend/s. It’s more a matter of thinking about others and communication. He should’ve said to you hope it’s ok that I’m going to meet Bob for a beer tomorrow? Then shall we have a birthday dinner or go out the day after?
Or something along those lines. for a partner to just do their own thing without any discussion is behaving as if they’re single person with no spouse / child. A bit weird really.

Silverbirchleaf · 15/09/2025 15:26

If you always do birthday as a family, I can see why you are miffed.

MadinMarch · 15/09/2025 15:27

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:26

Dinner is tricky as young DC, we don’t normally see other people friends / family for birthdays ect

Show quote history

Organise a babysitter for tonight or later in the week and go out for a meal with DH.
If you're not going out tonight, them I think you need to put aside any angry feelings as it is his birthday, and have a celebration tea at home with the kids.
In future, make clearer plans with him before his birthday.

ThePoshUns · 15/09/2025 15:29

Rather than ask of had plans for his birthday say ‘ let’s go to such and such for your birthday lunch tomorrow’. Easy.

Bulldogautumn · 15/09/2025 15:29

Go out for dinner as a family

ginasevern · 15/09/2025 15:30

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:25

We always go out as a family for birthdays normally for lunch as have young DC it’s just very difficult to pin DH down. I’m clearly being unreasonable so I apologise for feeling upset.

Show quote history

I get it OP, I really do. But welcome to Mumsnet where posters are happy for their husbands to text female work colleagues all hours and if your DH forgets your birthday it's clearly your own fault. You are not being remotely unreasonable.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/09/2025 15:33

I was originally gonna say yabu, but actually I see your point. He hardly ever goes out, he avoided making plans with you, then made them with someone else instead. Id be annoyed too.

I think a wider chat is due, he's not really prioritising his relationship. If you guys went out regularly this wouldn't be a kick in the teeth.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:34

ginasevern · 15/09/2025 15:30

I get it OP, I really do. But welcome to Mumsnet where posters are happy for their husbands to text female work colleagues all hours and if your DH forgets your birthday it's clearly your own fault. You are not being remotely unreasonable.

Show quote history

What are you on about?

OP didn’t arrange anything for her DH’s birthday and so he’s gone out for lunch with his mate - what does that have to do with female colleagues and forgetting your wives’ birthday?

nomas · 15/09/2025 15:37

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:48

It definitely won’t be an argument at all we aren’t like that. It’s just normally a family thing in the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve never not done birthdays together. It’s a farming friend he sees 3-4 times a week. That’s all I feel just a bit left out he’s gone with a friend when me and dc are at home. It’s not a huge issue but I am clearly being unreasonable.

Show quote history

YANBU, he sees this friend 3-4 times a week, it wouldn't hurt him to go out with his wife, especially as you rarely get to go out.

He sounds a bit of a knob.

NoSoupForU · 15/09/2025 15:37

I appreciate your circumstances aren't the same as mine but if my husband didn't plan something for my birthday and then got pissy over me going to have lunch with a friend I'd not be best impressed.

It isn't your birthday so it isn't about you. And your husband should be free to celebrate his birthday with a friend if he so chooses, especially in lieu of any other plans having been made.

nomas · 15/09/2025 15:38

NoSoupForU · 15/09/2025 15:37

I appreciate your circumstances aren't the same as mine but if my husband didn't plan something for my birthday and then got pissy over me going to have lunch with a friend I'd not be best impressed.

It isn't your birthday so it isn't about you. And your husband should be free to celebrate his birthday with a friend if he so chooses, especially in lieu of any other plans having been made.

Have you read OP's posts? She has explained countless times that due to her husband's job, any plans have to be last minute.