That DH has gone out for lunch

[Farmwifefarmlife]

With his friend rather than us on his birthday ?

DH birthday today we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner. I asked him yesterday his plans for today if working ect ( he’s self employed) he said he wasn’t sure. Then this morning he says he’s going for lunch in town with friend. Me and DC are left at home and I feel a bit put out tbh especially as I’m currently baking a cake and making home made donuts for him!
AIBU to feel a bit miffed and that we all could have gone out as a family.

You can’t expect him to be a mind reader - if you wanted to go out for lunch with him, you should have asked him the day before at least.

You can still order a takeaway for tonight or arrange dinner if you want.

Did you make it clear when you asked him what he was doing that you wanted to do something with him?
Because just saying to someone "what are you doing tomorrow?" puts the responsibility on him to organise his own birthday.

So are you annoyed that he's not celebrating his birthday with you and DC, or are you annoyed at a missed opportunity for you to go out?

If it's the latter, can you arrange going out for lunch on another day this week?

So how are these lunches normally sorted? If this is something you always do why was today different?

I voted YABU as he should be able to do what he wants on his birthday.

If we have other plans, then we make a pact to celebrate it together another day.

If this ‘day by day’ thing is a pain then set expectations for next year, that you’d like to agree something in advance.

For goodness sake she's a bit miffed but it's still her husband's birthday and she hasn't blown anything out of proportion, that's why!

I don’t get this at all. I understand his work is unpredictable but last night you could have said ‘shall we go out for a birthday lunch tomorrow if you can get away’ and then if things looked ok this morning you confirm the lunch. It’s also fine that he’s gone for a mates lunch instead especially as you never actually suggested a family thing. And you can still go out for dinner even though you’ve got young kids, just go somewhere casual and don’t stay out too late if they get tired. Or do tea and cake at home if you’d rather. But I don’t get what the perceived ‘issue’ is and if you want to do lunch you wouldn’t suggest lunch.

I wasn’t expecting him to be a mind reader , we always go for lunch on birthdays so it not a new thing or a surprise. I could have booked somewhere nice if he had of said he was 100% going to be a home.

OP, when did he arrange the plans with his friend if he's so last minute?

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable here. You are being a bit unreasonable because you should have organised lunch with him and made sure he understood you wanted to do something as a family if his work allowed that. On the other hand, it sounds like maybe he didn't want to commit to doing something with you in case a better offer came along (like going out with his friends). Or maybe he just didn't want to tell you he'd already planned to see his friends as he didn't want an agument, in which case he is BU. It's difficult to tell without knowing the full conversation from the night before, and how he usually behaves is situations like this. In any case, I think you need to have more open and frank conversations in the future regarding plans like this.

So why didn’t you ask him yesterday whether you were going to lunch as normal?

It sounds a bit like you set him up to fail a bit, or that you wouldn’t be happy no matter what he did.

Yes. But he seems to have time to go out with mates

My dh and I don’t usually book things in advance and we haven’t been out for a while either. It’s my birthday coming up and he’s already suggested a few places we could go as he’d like to spend the day together but we’ll only really know the night before what we can do.

I understand why you’re upset but maybe the friend suggested doing something and your dh thought it might be fun. I guess next time maybe tell him you’d like the spend some time together when it’s a birthday.

I’m presuming last night / very early this morning. He told me his plans at 7am
this morning.

Some people on here are really giving you a hard time, OP. I agree with you - what's with suddenly having lunch with a friend when usually he won't be pinned down for anything? I suppose it's not worth an argument or anything but it's a bit 'off' to last minute bugger off to eat when he could have gone out with you and the kids.

edited to add : you must be nicer than me because I would be thinking he would rather spend time with the friend rather than you. Who is this mate, anyway?

I’m definitely not angry just slightly miffed we don’t spend much time together and birthdays are something we normally celebrate together as a family in the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve never not. I always bake a cake I bake a lot pretty petty to not bake a cake.

It definitely won’t be an argument at all we aren’t like that. It’s just normally a family thing in the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve never not done birthdays together. It’s a farming friend he sees 3-4 times a week. That’s all I feel just a bit left out he’s gone with a friend when me and dc are at home. It’s not a huge issue but I am clearly being unreasonable.

You’re not.

some people plan things in advance and that’s fine. You’ve said you don’t so this is a bit of a slap in the face to you. You were asking him his plan (in other words saying you wanted to spend the day with him)

He either knew he had plans and lied. OR made the plans knowing you wanted to spend the day with him. Both are shit.

Go to dinner together instead ?

He'll still get to celebrate at home with you, so I'm not sure I see the problem?

Could you head out tomorrow instead?

There isn’t a huge problem I just feel a bit miffed, we will still do the usual birthday dinner at home / cake ect we just don’t spend much time together just feels like he’s choosing his friend over his family a little today that’s all.

you asked him yesterday what the plans were for today, so i assume he taught nothing was planned,,and therefore made arrangements to meet his friend. You could of said "for your birthday tomorrow shall we all go for lunch somewhere" but you act like he should know what he is thinking.

It's his birthday and you didn't plan anything anyway. You just asked about his plan but didn't put a plan forward yourself.

I can suggest it but DH doesn’t usually take time off to go out for lunch ect that’s why I’m so surprised he’s gone with a friend we’ve not been out for lunch in over 6 months.