To ask school if DS can have his phone in class?

[Bigon]

I'm sure you must think I'm U from the title alone but let me explain..

DS is 14, he's had a colostomy about 14 months ago, he had bowel issues since birth really and has a chronic bowel condition missed a lot of school but since the colostomy it has given him a better quality of life, though he still has flare ups a lot which cause a lot of pain and output and just exhausation, all he does when at home is lay down. They're worse when he's anxious but also happen randomly. He tries his best to get himself into school but it doesn't always happen.

He's confident at changing the bag at home because he can take all the time he needs but when out in public or at school he is less so. I usually help him when we're in public because once he's stressed, he rushes and gets worked up. He doesn't have an EHCP but school have given him a toilet pass, but he still panics at school about changing it and obviously staff can't help and I wouldn't expect them to and he wouldn't want that, I think he'd find it embarrassing.

He had a lot of time off last year due to the flare ups, and times where he was sent home because of the pain. He's just started year 10 so he's really trying this year.

Anyway, on Thursday he was in the middle of a flare up but he forced himself to go in, he came home and told me in one of the lessons he had a supply. He admitted he had been talking and the supply had written his name on the board as a warning, but about halfway through the lesson he asked the teacher if he could go to the toilet. The teacher said no and DS explained he had a pass and showed him, he still said no and told him to wait until the end of the lesson. In the end he did let DS go, he had to change his bag and he took longer than usual because as I said he tries to rush but it has the opposite effect where he gets worked up and takes longer. He also said his stomach was really hurting so he had to sit down for a while. He missed half the lesson and when he went back it was almost time for the next one, the teacher “had a go” at him and accused him of messing around and gave him a detention for Friday.

Friday, he didn't go in because dragging him through Thursday took it out of him, he even missed football training so he wasn't lying. I tried to call the school and get the detention removed, and we had evidence he wasn't just messing around as he'd been to the medical office as his supplies are kept there. School didn't get back to me.

He didn't have his phone as they put them in pouches but I was thinking of asking so if he needed to change it, he could message me and I could go in and help him. He's usually fine with not needing to change it during the school day but when he's in a flare up, its unavoidable. He's still in the flare up but was well enough to actually play football today (we were told to try and encourage this, even if he isn't well enough for school) so he's going to try and go but he's already anxious.

This is the first year of the phones in pouches, last year he would message me if he felt unwell (but felt too embarrassed to tell his teacher) and i’d phone the school and medical would check him over (or send him home which happened often).

Would this be unreasonable? Or should we just let this go and he can change it himself and take the detention?

If a student has a medical condition that requires assistance from an adult, then this can be written into a HCP and funded by the LA. It shouldn’t be up to the parent to come into school.
OP, someone in school needs to be trained to support your DS in changing his bag if he needs it. He will have no doubt had many HCPs helping him with this since his surgery. In addition he needs to have a supply of medication for pain relief in school.

The supply shouldn't have ignored the pass which makes it clear that it is due to a medical condition. Him talking at the start of class is a separate issue and the supply should've known that when he saw the pass since they aren't exactly handed out like candy.

Of course OP should complain. This should never happen again.

This is heartbreaking, your poor son. I don’t actually think there’s anything wrong about having his phone but I’m not sure that would solve the actual problem. I’d be at the school on Monday to speak to the head teacher and put together a better plan as this clearly isn’t working.

That lesson with the supply was unfortunate - hopefully the school will apologise.
I would go in and have a face to face chat about the need for information to be given to all supplies.

Your son needs to get over his embarrassment enough to talk to the office or teacher or medic in times of great need, Op.
He doesn't need a phone but can his phone pouch be near the First Aid toilet in case of emergencies? (if toilet is isolated).

It is important that he calms himself. Has he had access to learning meditation? Does he have an advocate on staff who knows his condition very well and who he can call to sort out unusual happenings like the detention? Ask for that (Deputy Principal or Firt Aid teacher.)

Children with medical needs shouldn't be held to a higher standard of behaviour than others. Chatting in class is naughty, but normal. Meeting his medical needs should not be contingent on angelic behaviour. The school failed to brief the supply teacher appropriately or the supply teacher did not read info given. It's for the school to figure out within their own systems and work out precisely where fault lays, but it is 100% with the school/teacher and 0% with the child - who, yes, deserved a mild telling off for talking in class, but also deserves and has a right to having all medical needs met and respected without shame or punishment.

OP,

Would it be worth having the PE teacher he really likes to be trained in changing his stoma? Or another teacher he really trusts? So he knows he has help at school if necessary.

Stoma nurses will go to your son's school and train the teacher how to change it. Have you had a really good chat with him about that option?

As a teacher myself, I think the school has let him down here. In my school we are made aware at the start of the year of pupils who you need to keep an eye on. We've a huge school. Well over the 1000 mark and I always sit down and go through the lists of kids who have needs such as your son as I could end up subbing his class someday. I'm guessing the teacher didn't know about your son and if they did, there needs to be a meeting with him. I'm sorry your son went through this. It's a huge change for him to have to manage all this so you aren't being unreasonable at all. In terms of the phone. I can't see that working but every staff member should be acutely aware and understanding of this. I would definitely bring it to their attention.

Also if it's a new supply teacher, we call them subs in Ireland where I teach, it's possible they could be new to the school, what we do is - all need to know info about pupils is readily available online in our databases or year head offices [tutors]. Or is your son brave enough to tell the sub, I know that's so much harder.

Oh OP, that sounds like such a difficult situation. I can only imagine that was a really horrible experience for your DS.

My own chronic health issues are luckily not the sort that required urgent attention when I was in school, but I still really relied on my phone and my ability to text my mum for support. The school offered little support for my flare-ups and often failed to understand exactly how my condition- severe dermatitis- actually worked. I would often message my mum for support and advice on what to do if I was overwhelmed and the medication wasn't working, and as I'm autistic I sometimes needed her help not in person but over the phone to properly tend to my skin and figure out my medications. I was at the very tail end of my education when smartphones came in, and while I appreciate how good it is for the majority I'm very glad not to be at school now when phones are being banned.

I can see the phone issue is what most people say shouldn't be done, but I'd ask if it would be possible for him to have a non-smart phone on him purely for communication. Not for him to call you in, but for him to have you on the phone while he's changing his colostomy bag to support his independence and build up his confidence. As you've said you mostly just tell him when he's rushing and needs to slow down, hopefully that's something that could be managed without you needing to be there in person. As he gets more comfortable with the process he would likely naturally stop calling as it becomes more of an unnecessary extra step than required support.

As I say, I understand why phone bans are happening and why they're a good thing overall, but it sounds like this is a case where a simple phone could be really beneficial and actually support his journey to independence. It's worth asking, OP.

Thank you everyone, a pass to the medical room does sound good, I'll suggest that.

To the PP who said he shouldn't have been talking, yes but that was at the very start of the lesson. DS isn't perfect but he's only ever had 1 detention apart from this since being at the school, and that one also ended up being wiped as it was for a child with the same name as him. He's very much a stickler for the rules. He told me he asked his friend something related to what they were doing and the friend didn't hear so DS spoke louder and got his name on the board as a warning. After that he didn't talk again until he asked for the toilet. Yes, I wasn't there but DS didn't even need to admit he was talking in class to me.

He was reluctant to go into school today as he was still feeling unwell but he has gone in, I phoned the school and was promised a call back but I haven't had one. I have also emailed his HOY, I've told them I'm not happy with the detention and he's not to have it until I've spoken to someone (and hopefully then they'll remove it)

I am tempted to go and pick him up instead of him getting the bus in the hope I can talk to someone but I'm unsure how busy they'll be at the end of the day

Children with additional needs are not required to be perfect. They can be cheeky and have behavioural challenges which are totally separate from their needs and there shouldn't be any requirement for them to 'earn' a reasonable amount of personal care time or 'deserve' to be physically comfortable. I think someone else said it better but please do not feel you have to apologise for your son starting out the session imperfectly - that shouldn't affect his right to use his toilet pass.

The problem lies with the supply teacher not being informed about the medical nature of the toilet pass (which would have removed the having a go at the end etc).
Having his phone is unlikely to happen- slippery slope for every other student and as you say, he is able to change the bag himself etc. You wouldn't be doing him any favours socially going in to help him go to the toilet. I know it's more complex than that but sadly teenagers can be very cruel

@Toadsrevisitedthat’s a good idea - a card with his diagnosis on it.

I think you need to start making a loud fuss - formal complaint email, ask for meeting in person and escalate this if it isn’t clearly planned to resolve.

poor boy, I’d want my DD to have her phone in this situation. There’s usually a loo in reception - you could meet him there to avoid going on site .

He needs an EHCP. Its awful that the pass was ignored but probably didnt help that he started out by talking, getting into trouble and then left for the half the lesson. This is why he needs an EHCP so everyone is clear what your son needs and why he might be in the bathroom a while. I wouldn't suggest the phone as a solution as difficult as it is he needs to take ownership if hes not feeling well ask to be excused he doesnt need to go into detail. Again an EHCP would detail this.

I work in a secondary school. To my knowledge, parents wouldn’t be allowed to enter the premises to assist with this. Toilets are for staff and pupils (separate of course!).
I don’t mean to sound at all unsympathetic, but it would be better if he got to grips with this on his own. He could try breathing exercises for when he gets panicky about it.

As others have said you need to start making more of a fuss, it's annoying when you want to conscious of how busy they are but since it's been so persistent you need to.

His toliet pass should already have medical on it or a certain colour etc, as most schools only give toliet passes for medical reasons, so that should be impressed on all staff, seperate to your DS they should all know for all students in that position. A pass to go into the medical room is a good idea, or just anyone there who knows he's allowed.

Definitely make a formal complaint, and I'd email one of the assistant or deputy heads, depending on which one was responsibility for pastoral issues, inclusion etc, maybe check the website as they normally have the contact details and the headings of who on SLT is responsible for what. I'd also be emailing the SENCO, and wanting a meeting with them, the HOY and also someone on SLT. So I'd write an email, cc them all in you can, asking for a meeting, it might be good for him to also go to that as well, since he's older and he can also add in what he wants, you can then all make a support plan etc which can be shared with all of his teachers.

I'd call in the morning and afternoon if they aren't answering your emails. If you can, perhaps go into reception in the morning or after school and ask to speak to someone. Does he have like a pastoral year lead? Someone whose non-teaching he can talk to when's he's struggling? Anyone who can be his point of contact, as his PE teacher sounds great but obviously he will be teaching sometimes. Do they have a school counsellor? Or could you afford some therapy. It's very hard to mentally deal with a chronic illnesses especially when you're young, and it's very difficult even if he's older, he still needs the support. Perhaps look into that as well.

@Bigon

Just checking in to see how your son went this week at school. Did you get some answers or some resolution?

I write this as a mum of a chronically-ill teen, who I am expecting home any moment now because he can only stay an hour at the moment before he is exhausted.