To ask school if DS can have his phone in class?

[Bigon]

I'm sure you must think I'm U from the title alone but let me explain..

DS is 14, he's had a colostomy about 14 months ago, he had bowel issues since birth really and has a chronic bowel condition missed a lot of school but since the colostomy it has given him a better quality of life, though he still has flare ups a lot which cause a lot of pain and output and just exhausation, all he does when at home is lay down. They're worse when he's anxious but also happen randomly. He tries his best to get himself into school but it doesn't always happen.

He's confident at changing the bag at home because he can take all the time he needs but when out in public or at school he is less so. I usually help him when we're in public because once he's stressed, he rushes and gets worked up. He doesn't have an EHCP but school have given him a toilet pass, but he still panics at school about changing it and obviously staff can't help and I wouldn't expect them to and he wouldn't want that, I think he'd find it embarrassing.

He had a lot of time off last year due to the flare ups, and times where he was sent home because of the pain. He's just started year 10 so he's really trying this year.

Anyway, on Thursday he was in the middle of a flare up but he forced himself to go in, he came home and told me in one of the lessons he had a supply. He admitted he had been talking and the supply had written his name on the board as a warning, but about halfway through the lesson he asked the teacher if he could go to the toilet. The teacher said no and DS explained he had a pass and showed him, he still said no and told him to wait until the end of the lesson. In the end he did let DS go, he had to change his bag and he took longer than usual because as I said he tries to rush but it has the opposite effect where he gets worked up and takes longer. He also said his stomach was really hurting so he had to sit down for a while. He missed half the lesson and when he went back it was almost time for the next one, the teacher “had a go” at him and accused him of messing around and gave him a detention for Friday.

Friday, he didn't go in because dragging him through Thursday took it out of him, he even missed football training so he wasn't lying. I tried to call the school and get the detention removed, and we had evidence he wasn't just messing around as he'd been to the medical office as his supplies are kept there. School didn't get back to me.

He didn't have his phone as they put them in pouches but I was thinking of asking so if he needed to change it, he could message me and I could go in and help him. He's usually fine with not needing to change it during the school day but when he's in a flare up, its unavoidable. He's still in the flare up but was well enough to actually play football today (we were told to try and encourage this, even if he isn't well enough for school) so he's going to try and go but he's already anxious.

This is the first year of the phones in pouches, last year he would message me if he felt unwell (but felt too embarrassed to tell his teacher) and i’d phone the school and medical would check him over (or send him home which happened often).

Would this be unreasonable? Or should we just let this go and he can change it himself and take the detention?

I have told him to walk out if this happens again but it's tricky, he's not the type of child to argue back and if he walked out he’d worry about the consequences. My eldest 100% would've walked out if he was in DS2’s shoes but DS2 is definitely a worrier

Having his phone isn’t the answer here. It’s also most unlikely that you’d be allowed in to help - nor would he really want that.

You do need to go in and see his head of year/house/form tutor. I was the latter and would be aghast if I heard a story like this about one of my form. Apart from apologising I’d be off to see the teacher concerned.

In my last school a boy had similar (+ other serious medical) problems. The school converted a room into a sickbay/toilet for him. (Others could have used it but at the time he was the only one who needed it.) You could suggest this.

Also, on the toilet pass, ‘any problems please see mr. Housebrick’ rather than just a regular pass. Or ‘I may be a while’ (but worded better)

all the best.

My DS is allowed to have a phone in school for medical reasons, but I'm not sure it would help in your DS's case, OP. Appalling that he has been treated the way he has, but it sounds like there needs to be a better plan in place for him so that he can get on with changing the colostomy bag when he needs to (also build in the plan that he might need longer out of the lessons so that he can get organised which might lower his stress level over this). The phone might be useful if you think he might need advice, but I don't think your going in would be allowed (in most cases).

This ⬆️

The school is in breach of the disability legislation and behaving illegally by not making reasonable adjustments for his condition. I had a similar situation with my daughter and I complained and got a detention taken away. When I pointed out to the school how and why they were in the wrong they realised and backed down immediately.

There is absolutely no way I would allow the detention to go ahead for your son, it’s really wrong. I think you need to go into the school and sit down with your son and whoever is in charge of student welfare and work out a robust plan. I’m not sure whether it would involve his phone, but this situation must never be allowed to happen again.

Your poor son, as if he hasn’t got enough to deal with having this condition at his age. The school should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

No advice but I am absolutely outraged and upset on behalf of you and your son. The school are massively at fault.

You need to get that IHP in place - it’s a scandal that school haven’t already done it (both you and your son should be involved in drafting it).

Poor kid.
The detention needs removing and I don’t know what the answer is but he needs more than what the school are doing now.

EHCP?

You need to reset expectations with the school and what a toilet pass means eg he can leave any lesson without needing to explain himself.
you’ve mentioned anxiety several times: some of this is normal with a child returning to school after absences or having a different roster of teachers. As a year 10 student I kindly wonder if ds is capable of taking on more responsibly for his own body, and if doing so would make him more confident vs you always being there? Can he practice to do those changes he needs? In public spaces and unfamiliar bathrooms too?

They 💯 need to make reasonable adjustments for him blimey it’s hard enough at his age. Take this matter up with the head teacher the onus was on them to make sure the supply teacher knew

Wouldn't it be better if he had an official note he could show to any staff who didn't know his circumstances to say that he should always be allowed to go to the toilet if he asked and that he may be out of class for some time? That way, he'd not feel under pressure and shouldn't need you to go in and help either. I don't think having his phone with him is necessary. If he really does need to phone, he could use the note to leave class and then use the school phone.

A couple of points…

he shouldn’t need any extra information, laminated, letters, additional passes etc. The toilet pass should be enough (we only issue them for diagnosed medical conditions at my school).
You should also ask the school to refer him for counselling to help him cope with his condition.

He”s been dealt a difficult hand and he needs all the support he can get.

Your son sounds amazing. My husband had a colostomy bag fitted 5 years ago and he is still not comfortable changing in public as a 60 year old man, let alone a 14 year old boy. The strain on my husbands mental health with this change has been massive- I can’t imagine what it has done to your son. The school must put in place procedures for him to make him comfortable and confident. You need to speak to the headteacher. Sorry you are all going through this, I know what it’s like to be on sidelines supporting

My son had an ileostomy (small bowel rather than large bowel) for 9 months, he's since had a reversal because it actually made things worse for him but he is still bowel incontinent and needs to be changed at school multiple times a day.

He does have a EHCP but he has several things going on. Your son should definitely have some type of document even if it isn't a EHCP due to his needs and school need to make all staff aware, even supply staff.

My son has just started Year 5 so he's still at primary school. High school makes me nervous!

Best wishes to your son, it's so difficult.

He doesn't need a phone, but should have teacher, nurse or someone for support that could contact you if necessary, and deal with the situations you describe above so they don't happen again.

Would getting one of the teachers either his PE teacher who it sounds like he trust or his HOY to tell him that it’s ok for him to just walk out of class if he is ever refused to leave in future. It’s one thing a parent telling him to do it but it may have more weight and authority to him if it is a member of the teaching staff saying it directly to him.
Also I would suggest asking the school to put a plan I place for this scenario again. So he walks out of class (without the teachers permission), he goes and deals with changing the bag and then maybe the nurse accompanies back to class and asks to speak to the teacher in question. Or a message gets sent to the HOY to speak to or email the teacher in question. Something needs to be put in place that both verifies and backs up what your DS says to the teacher. Something needs to be put in place so that he is never put in this position again.

The issue is the person arranging cover simply can’t look at every class being covered that day and cross reference each childs medical needs, plus they would need to verbally tell the supply who of course won’t remember.

He needs an IHP, as that would also cover a general cover action plan e.g all children with x card must be able to do x, y and z.

I wonder if you could practice it - role play it with him - so he has a bit more confidence to advocate for himself and walk out of a classroom of it came to it.

Gosh your poor son. This is something that just escalated really quickly, caused by a bit of talking at the start of a lesson and the teacher thinking he was going to the toilet to 'mess about'.
I would tell him if this happens again not to go into the lesson on half, but go to the medical room and say that he had felt unwell with his condition and can he stay there until the next class is due to start 'because of what happened last time'.
Poor boy, what a lot to go through at such a young age and he sounds generally a nice kid.
FWIW if you really think he needs to contact you in the school day get him an emergency brick phone just for you, kept off in his bag unless really needed. He can hand the real one in.
Refusing a person of any age the right to use the toilet with a disability (which your DS has) is discrimination. And could potentially be dangerous. If you don't change a stoma bag when needed the wearer can get a dreadful infection.

I’d forget the phone element. But I would go mad about the incident with the supply teacher. He must have a form teacher you can talk to or email?

He can’t be given detention because it takes him a while to change his bag. Supply teacher or not. They should be aware of certain student’s issues.

Crohns and Colitis Uk have letter templates for schools and lists of children's requirements. They are very supportive.

I think some kind of medical pass is a great idea. It wouldn't depend on every teacher (including supply teachers) having to know every pupil's personal situation. It wouldn't require your DS to speak up in front of his class. DS could go to the medical office for his supplies and they could call you if necessary. The school should be working with you to find solutions for your DS.

You need to communicate to the school in writing, not by telephone. Your message should be directed to the head, demanding an explanation for how they messed up so that your son was taught by a teacher unaware of his serious medical needs - even supply teachers need to be briefed appropriately and your son should have a pupil passport explaining his needs in brief to any teacher. You should be demanding the school wipe the detention, apologise to your son, put in place measures to rebuild his trust, and explain what they will do to ensure they do not fail your son in this way again. You seem far too deferential to the school, with phrases like "they allowed a reduced timetable" - he has medical needs and a right to an education, which they have a legal duty to provide. A phone is not the answer, but you need to be a better and more demanding advocate for your son, and the school needs to provide a better standard of support. When was the ECHNA conducted to get an EHCP? If you don't know, you should be demanding this and clear timelines urgently from the school.

Arrange to meet the person responsible for pupils with medical needs at school - there must be a named person in every school; it may or may not be the Senco. DS needs an Individual Health Care Plan, which is not the same thing as an EHCP. If he has one already, it needs reviewing as the toilet pass system clearly isn’t working. The school will have the DfE template and guidance, and could create or update an IHCP with you and DS as soon as you can meet with them. You’d need to take in medical evidence (most recent letter from consultant to GP).

Check the school's disabled toilets are set up for DS to be as quick as possible, e.g. if he needs a mirror to help him see what he is doing when changing the bag, it will take him longer if it’s not there (which happens surprisingly often in schools). If the toilets are locked, how much time is wasted in getting and returning the key?

If you decide to complain formally about the situation on Thursday, get a copy of the school complaints procedure from the office and follow the steps it lays out in order.

Let's not forget here, despite his restrictions, the supply's position was that he was "under the radar" for disruption. I'm pretty sure that is a contributing factor for them feeling they needed to be quite hard nosed with him.
Your son needs to know that olhe won't help himself with any planned concessions if he simultaneously disrupts, and could quite possibly get backs up in the classroom as other kids will see him as entitled.
Of course he isn't, he has genuine difficulties.
But you've pretty much glossed over the fact that he started out by misbehaving.
Do you not realise how supply teachers need to be professionally armoured against this sort of rubbish.
I'm not unsympathetic to your child's needs, but you are fighting his corner on the basis of him being reticent about things?
Yet he disrupted enough to get his name up there?
You do realise that by going to school complaining about this, the likelihood is that supply teacher may suddenly have less work, less pay, more personal stress?
Please approach the school with a blanket request, rather than point fingers.
Situations like that make teachers leave the profession.

If he has been off more than 15 days with this (or will be) then contact the council and ask for alternative provision to be put in place.