Husband not enjoying being a Dad and struggling to bond

[GG300]

Hello everyone,
I am looking for advice on how to help my husband bond with our little girl.

she is 6 months old and I have taken to motherhood perfectly. I absolutely adore her and love our time together

however my husband is more vocal about ‘not feeling as he is supposed to feel’. He doesn’t particularly enjoy spending time with her and doesn’t tend to immerse himself in bath/bedtime unless I ask him to.

he feels like my daughter and I are together and he is left out. I know he wants to bond with her but he finds parenting so difficult and frustrating, whereas I find it a pleasure. this makes it harder for him because he can’t understand why I have taken to it so well and he hasn’t.

it has come to the stage now where I enjoy parenting her alone more than with my husband, as he (unintentionally) creates a more hostile environment due to increased stress

let me just end by saying, my husband is a perfect man and we have never so much as had a crossed word in our 7 years together. This is the only issue we have encountered

Sounds like he needs a reset on how he's thinking about and approaching fatherhood.

Some men think that a baby or child is a problem to be managed, rather than a little person to be treasured and enjoyed.

Becoming a parent is a huge step to take. I wonder if he might find some specialist counselling to help him to unpick his feelings?

I'd say he needs therapy perhaps to work out why he is feeling this way.

However. Do you leave him out? Do you let him do things himself without instruction / making judgement ? Do you give them any alone time?

He isn’t a perfect man, you can’t say you’ve never had a crossed word when he’s jealous you’ve bonded with the baby better than him and is making a hostile environment. Sometimes people do find it incredibly hard to bond and babies are absolutely not fun for everyone, his feelings are ok and normal but him making it a ‘why me’ thing isn’t really. He needs to spend more time alone with her bonding and you just need to make sure you don’t jump in and ‘help’. Let him have the chance to take charge and believe in himself. And if he doesn’t step up then you know you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Hopefully he will come into his own as she grows and he can do more for her. I didn’t personally love the baby stage, but toddler onwards has been brilliant.

I think he probably needs to take the pressure of himself, dads ime come into their own more in the toddler years as it’s normal for the mum/baby bond to be stronger at the baby stage.

Could they do a baby clsss together? Baby swimming or similar?

If not he needs to focus on supporting you by doing the domestic stuff so you can take care of dd.

That said if he’s jealous/resentful of the baby that is a problem.

Both new mums and dads can struggle to bond straight away. It’s the continuous care and 1:1 time together that creates the bond. He needs to forget about how he’s “supposed to feel” - he’s not owed euphoria about his new baby, and start spending a lot more time with her, without your supervision. And you need to stop stepping in and correcting him even if he doesn’t do things your way, gets tired, frustrated or what not. If you’re looking after a baby, sooner or later you’ll get exhausted and frustrated - doesn’t mean it’s time to walk away or moan about not feeling it. Love is a verb.

The baby stage isn’t for everyone, and not everyone enjoys every stage of parenting. As long as he is caring for her well, trying his best and not being too hard on himself, then I would just roll with the punches.

I found the baby stage incredibly boring and would not say I took to motherhood naturally at all. I enjoyed from 2yrs old better, and it’s got better every year since then. I personally just enjoy older kids more than very little ones. Maybe this is your DH.

I take it that like so many husbands, your DH is working, and so doesn't get nearly as much time with your DD as you do? If that's the case, then when he does have time off, it might be a good idea for you to have some time for yourself, and leave him to manage alone with your baby. Ideally you need to go out for a few hours, maybe go shopping, or visit a friend or family member, and tell him that you won't be answering your phone, so he needs to cope on his own, assuming of course that he's OK with stuff like changing nappies, etc. and if he's not, then you need to teach him how to do it, by letting him do it, and pointing out what he's doing wrong, if he is, but don't just show him, make HIM do it, we all learn better from actually doing something rather than watching. Once you're happy that he's actually capable of looking after your child, then take that time out, and let him get on with it.

He may just not like the baby stage. My DH didn’t particularly enjoy baby stage with either DC, but when they started talking and being able to interact more, he found his stride. Older DC is 6 and she and DH are like peas in a pod now. I think the baby stage can sometimes be a bit unrewarding and if you don’t have that ‘instant’ love/bond that people like to go on about, it can take time.

Does he get much time alone with her where you aren’t there at all?

Are you accidentally undermining him? You say you have taken to it very well, which is great, but does he feel he can't do as well as you and is feeling overwhelmed?

We adopted, and my DH was a bit of a fish out of water to start with. It was a different scenario as DS was 3, but I actively made a daddy-shapped hole for DH to step into.

So, if a toy broke or needed a battery changing then I would say "daddy will do this when he is back from work" (of course I could have done it) so DH would sit with DS and do what ever needed doing to the toy to make it work again, and then play with it with DS.

If he genuinely wants to engage, he might just be feeling scared of not being as good as you.

Thank you all for your helpful comments! To answer come questions:

i am a SAHM and he works (long hours and often away from home)

I actively try to not ‘undermine’ him when he is being hands on, however I could definitely leave him to it more rather than getting involved

he has very little to no time alone with her (safe for an hour or so on his days off when I will go to the gym). I will definitely make this a priority more

I do think he is concerned that he ‘isn’t as good as me’ which I have heard him say before.

to summarised I think you are right, he needs more 1-1 time with her and I need to let them find their feet together without micromanaging!

It sounds as though he needs to feel needed as a dad. You’re said several times how well you’ve taken to parenthood which is lovely for you but might make him feel even worse that he hasn’t. Add in the fact that you’re in a happy bubble of routine by yourselves and he might be struggling to see where he fits in. Is there something he can do with or for dd that’s just their thing they do together? Maybe take her out in the pram to the shops on a weekend morning or just something simple like that. Give him some responsibility and he might appreciate it.

To be fair, babies are quite dull. He will probably get more into his stride as she develops and becomes a person. I wouldn’t worry too much.

He needs to be reminded not to take crying or fretting by the baby as a personal rejection.

He needs to be reminded that he's a parent for the long haul and to be patient with the baby and with himself. It's a marathon.

He needs to be reminded that baby care isn't about solving problems. It's about patiently holding the baby while she's colicky, patiently wiping a poonami off the baby for the fifth time in 12 hours, patiently wiping dribble off his clothes yet again, patiently burping the baby for as long as it takes.

He needs to be reminded that you being a parent doesn't take away from being a partner to him.

do you tell him about how perfect you are as her mum constantly ?

How needlessly mean and nasty to someone asking for help.

She asked if she should stop micromanaging his parenting and I agreed she does. If she can’t take responses then maybe she shouldn’t have posted on aibu

Or are we all meant to agree that she is the perfect mother ‘mothering beautifully’ and all the issues are down to her husband ? In which case op, you’re doing absolutely amazingly and should continue constantly micromanaging him.

Can he do a baby massage or swimming classes course with her? Both are great for bonding. Maybe he should chat to the health visitor about this too so she can signpost him to help

I could have wrote the exact same thing 3 years ago about my husband. I think being older and together for a while it’s a big shock and us women get on with it because we have to whereas it takes more time for men. My little boy is still closer to me than my husband but my husband does find it easier now, as the baby can do more stuff I think the Dads find it easier. Stick in there but make sure your husband knows how you feel too.

Dh was very good with dd but, even so, he found the change of lifestyle difficult. I breastfed but he would do as many nappy changes as he could “it’s all I can do”. But I would verbalise actions. When I went into the kitchen to prepare dinner or whatever, I would say “right, dd. You’re having daddy cuddles now. You’re about to get the type of cuddle mummy can’t do and isn’t it the best thing?” And I would comment in the same way when daddy was holding her or doing stuff.

He needed to know that, although he did things differently to me, that wasn’t a bad thing. And dd got told the same thing, too. DH would take her for mornings walks, he read her the last story at night. Right from the start, he created memories for himself.

It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes, with the best will in the world, only mummy would do. I know he felt helpless and left out on occasion but I just said “well, this is biology at work”. And he did say later that he loved the toddler- walking, talking, inquisitive, fun.

Also, when dd was about three, he refused to tell her off about something once. “You do it”, he said. So said I said “alright, I will. But, when she’ll a stroppy 14 year old, you don’t get to have a say. Your ability to have an opinion then starts with the groundwork now.” He started getting better at the boring stuff after that.

And they get enormous pleasure in each other’s company now.

I will also add that when we came home from hospital, if dh had dd in his arms, I left the room. I could see myself wanting to comment and correct him when he was doing nothing wrong. So, I went elsewhere in the house. It took about a week for me to subside and I was fine after that.

What a vile response. I've seen some nasty people on this site but you take the biscuit. Shame on you.

Do they get time together without you? That seems key

Just a follow up from one of the unkind comments, I probably should have worded my initial post better.

i dont think im the perfect mum and certainly dont vocalise that I am to my husband. I moreso meant that I have taken to the mother role easily without issues.