Husband not enjoying being a Dad and struggling to bond

[GG300]

Hello everyone,
I am looking for advice on how to help my husband bond with our little girl.

she is 6 months old and I have taken to motherhood perfectly. I absolutely adore her and love our time together

however my husband is more vocal about ‘not feeling as he is supposed to feel’. He doesn’t particularly enjoy spending time with her and doesn’t tend to immerse himself in bath/bedtime unless I ask him to.

he feels like my daughter and I are together and he is left out. I know he wants to bond with her but he finds parenting so difficult and frustrating, whereas I find it a pleasure. this makes it harder for him because he can’t understand why I have taken to it so well and he hasn’t.

it has come to the stage now where I enjoy parenting her alone more than with my husband, as he (unintentionally) creates a more hostile environment due to increased stress

let me just end by saying, my husband is a perfect man and we have never so much as had a crossed word in our 7 years together. This is the only issue we have encountered

This. You are framing as you being a perfect parent so that you parent alone because he is struggling. This needs to stop.

frustration is normal. Let him parent her, together and alone. He has to develop his own way of doing things not copy you.

Can DH take some paternity leave so he gets some continuous time with baby?

He needs reassurance. Let him know he doesn't have to parent the same way you do, as long as he is loving and patient and gentle in his own way, it's fine.

Men can get PND. If he's really struggling it's worth talking with someone about it.

Also, reassure him that not everyone connects at the baby stage and that is okay. I loved my babies but I didn't at all enjoy that stage of motherhood. It bored me rigid.As soon as they were talking and trotting about, showing their personalities, I felt so much happier and that lasted right through even the teenage years and early adulthood.

I found bath time / bed time outrageously tedious and did all in my power to avoid it. Maybe your DH and DD need to find other activities - a walk around town to get coffee, baby swimming classes, my DH stays up late sometimes with our DC watching movies at the weekend, she’s eight months and adores the one on one attention when the test of us are in bed. I’d also suggest your DH brings her to visit people on his own, just give them space to find their way.

I think you've identified exactly what would help, and the main one is time.

My husband took a couple of months Shared Parental Leave, and then did 4 days a week (same as me) for a year. As a result he has an amazing bond with our son and is just as capable as me at looking after him. It's a shame it's not more normalised (or financially viable) for men to take time out for their family because it benefits everyone so much.

Why is it madness?

DP and I didn't know we were having a baby, right up until the moment DP went into labour. We'd only been going out 10 months so weren't living together, DP was still living at home with her parents.

For the first 4 months of DD's life, I was almost never alone with her. I was in work every day, spent every other night at my own house trying to get my house ready for DP and DD to move in (I'd just bought it and it was lacking a kitchen among many other things at the time.)

So I'd only be around my child for 4ish hours every other night, and a day of the weekend. And there was always someone else around. Even if DP was taking a nap, then MIL would be there, or SIL. It was probably around 6 months, when we were living alone as our little family, before I properly felt love for my child, that I felt that this was my kid.

That doesn't mean I was a danger to her before that, any more than I'm a danger to any other person on the planet. I'm not a psychopath, I wasn't suffering from depression or any other mental illness, I just hadn't really had a real chance to form my own relationship with my daughter. I can still remember the first time I properly felt like "Wow, I really love this child". DP was having a lie in, shortly after they'd moved in with me, so I'd gotten up, done breakfast, DD was in her little bouncy chair in the kitchen doorway. I dropped a tea towel, and DD just pissed herself laughing. So thats how we spent the next 15 minutes, me chucking a tea towel up in the air, and failing to catch it, and DD finding it the funniest thing in the world. Nothing changed in that moment in the way I cared for DD. She'd been a tiny human I was responsible for 5 minutes earlier, and that was still the case 5 minutes later. But it changed the way I felt about her. We'd communicated with each other properly for the first time, just the two of us.

I don't think that emotional feeling of love comes instantly for most men. They've not had the previous few months of feeling this child inside us before they're born, and we're cut out of a huge part of the parenting experience for the first few months due to not having the required equipment. That doesn't make us a danger to our kids, it just means we have to find other ways to bond initially, and we need to be given the time and space to find that relationship.

Well that's your problem. How much paternity leave did he get? He will never get this time back. Can he take some extended paternity leave or drop some hours? It seems unfair for him to be away from his child so much.

For seven years it's been you and him, he's been your focus.

Now this huge change - a whole other person has first call on your time, care, attention, your body. He has literally been displaced.

And yes, you and the baby are a unit.

Fathers just don't get the preparation mothers do. The baby is an abstract concept until birth then suddenly - all that. While you've been evolving and supported for months, learning what to expect.

Are you asking his opinion and feelings and input about caring for the baby?

I think women's expectations are often too high. You carry the baby you bear it. It's literally part of your body for nearly a year. Then your body, if you are able to breast feed, is able to nourish the baby and that creates an amazing bond of both feeding and comfort.

It's quite interesting that you expect a father to be able to match this bond almost immediately from birth. They tend to go back to work within a couple of weeks and they're not with the baby all day.

It's an adjustment for them too and harder as they dont have that instant bond. He'll probably grow into parenting.

Was it a planned pregnancy for both of you?

You need to read the room on whether he is NOT interested and is a potential danger via neglect and you are heading for separation OR just struggling to find his feet.

If it was the latter....I think this is pretty standard amongst a lot of the families we know.

Unpolitically correct advice for that would be...

• You have to step back so he can step up.
• Try not to come back from the gym and tut because the shirts on backwards, the nappy doesn't have frills out etc. Even though it is fucking annoying.... "Perfect" is the enemy here imo...
• part of it is confidence. they geniunely think "i am not good at this" and somehow dont get its a skill like everything else ever
• lots of praise 🙄 I also talked him up to other people which made him more confident as he was like "she DOES think i good!" For me it was fairly self fulfilling prophecy.
• you have to train them up nicely and non patronisingly. I essentially told my DH what he needed to pack, then would "help him check" then eventually left him to it and via natural consequences (he'd be out and have forgot baby chamg or whatever) he became v competent.

That said im not sure you are in this camp....

I would be very concerned about this particularly as you arent used to conflict. he may view it as you picking the babies side as moronic as that sounds and it creates an them vs me dynamic

I'd also be wary of the "long hours" I almost guarantee its total Bullshit.

You very honestly choose your hours in office based jobs - laptops mean he can work from home and i would often see men farting around until 4pm before buclling down and sraying until 8 or 9 because "they had to". Its avoiding martial duties.
Even the corporate lawyer dads flexed their hours once kids appeared. If you want to - you can.

My dh and I both make over 100k we do not work between 5.45 and 7.30/8. We work afterwards certainly... and sometimes weekends. Most / all of our friends do similar except one couple. The DH in that couple is in the "pretend work" category, she didnt push him to sort it out when baby was small, they just ignored it and she did everything - he was more pushed out and it was weird all round
he now openly says he regrets their child, has refused to have a second and honestly its painful to watch....she wants to pretend its fine and he is dad of the year... when he basically hides mon- fri then fucks off for a solo brunch (wtf??) All sunday AM every week. Shes breaking her back to keep it together because divorce is her big fear.

As you ACTUALLY a SAHM or are you planning to not return to work....? Either way id be looking at options JUST IN CASE because right now this man doesnt sound invested.

Yes it was x

He did take paternity leave but unfortunately him taking extended time off is not an option for us x

Thanks for your comment! I do think he is trying to find his feet. He is a very competent man and I don’t think he’s used to struggling with tasks! Hence his frustration.

I am also 100% sure he is working the hours he says he is. He does not work an office job but works with members of my family.

Thank you for your advice your points are very helpful x

It can be hard to bond in the first few months as the dad

You generally get far less time with the baby, you can't breast feed, etc

When you do things like nappy changes etc your comparing how you do it with mum especially if you're slower and don't get as much practice due to being out at work

I admit I struggled, did not get enjoyment in those first few months. It helped when I got one to one time when my wife started jogging again.

He'll find it gets easier. Give him time

Okay good!

In which case you basically need to manage the F out of it starting now (whilst appearing not to do so and actually its his amazingness - enjoy that!!! 😅) and give them more time together solo.
Gym then sauna?? Just a thought.
I also suggested fun activities for them to do together

Praise is basically their oxygen...

I delegated some dr apps to him and he initially hated it then grew to love it - women people in the street were basically giving him a standing ovation for taking his kid out and changing a nappy. Hes come home totally chuffed...

He took dd to a coffee shop and changed a nappy and the woman in the cafe saw him so gave him his coffee for free and let him have a pastry?!?!?!? he was delighted I was like wtf?!?!?

3 yrs on he sagely gives a little reassuring shoulder squeeze and words of brotherly advice to new dads.... 😅😅😅😅

This is one of those hard things to navigate. With DS my DH bonded instantly whereas it took me a bit longer, but when he went back to work he then found it harder. Babies change a lot over a short space of time and he find it hard when he’d dp something and I’d say “that doesn’t work anymore, I do this now” or things along those lines. He was pretty open about it so we agreed I’d leave him to it a bit more and he’d figure things out. That worked well and he had his own bath and bed routine that worked really well.

Reading your post though if you’re coming across as perfect and taking to it all so amazingly that doesn’t make it easy. I can guarantee that you refer to “we do this” and “we do that”, implying to him he’s the spare part. I know you will do because I did the same.

I don’t think it’s that unusual. DH was never that fussed about the first few months baby stage.

When the midwife came round when I’d had DC2 she asked how he was enjoying the baby. He’d just come back taking DC1 out and answered something like ‘yeah, fine I suppose.’ And the midwife immediately said ‘oh, you’re a fun dad’. Which I took to mean that there’s lots of dads that are great with toddlers and kids but not naturals with babies.

DH is an amazing dad, a much better parent than me, but he really kicks into gear at about 1yr.

Dare I say was he hoping for a boy? A friend of mine who behaved similarly eventually admitted this was the root cause.

Bonding doesn't just come from blocks of one on one time, it comes from doing all the mundane tasks. When my daughter was that young I done most of the feeding but her dad when he was home done every nappy change for example and took turns winding her after a feed. He didn't just treat it as a task to be got through as quickly as possible though, he took the time to talk to her and sing to her etc. If he was watching TV he'd just sit with her on him. He used to get up with her one of the weekend mornings also. He just needs to be involved in her everyday care.

The root cause in that case is pure selfish immaturity and ingrained sexism. I hope you gave him the sharp kick in the shins he deserved.

He is absolutely not a perfect man. A “perfect” -or even just an OK-man would accept the fact that he’s finding this stage a bit challenging, but get on with it!!!

He needs to find his thing. My husband enjoyed bath times. He wasn’t fully into being a dad until they were 18 months tbh though

Parenting is hard but you get out what you put in. Babies are not for everyone (as in not everyone likes the baby phase) but he needs to knuckle down so he can build on the foundations for later. I didn't love having a baby; I found parenting much easier once they can walk around, talk a bit and generally have a bit more of an overt personality. He might feel exactly like I did (for example) but the contrast with how you clearly feel is making him feel like something is wrong.

Reassure him that children change and that not everyone will love every phase of parenthood but remind him (and he'll know this if he is an otherwise successful person) that he needs to put the effort in to reap the benefits.

Also - leave him to it when you can; it will be good for him and good for you. Don't be the baby expert.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/24/mum-watched-me-correct-my-husband-then-sagely-warned-me-dont-become-the-expert-in-the-baby

There's nothing in what she says about him not getting on with it. Just that he's finding it hard.