Husband not enjoying being a Dad and struggling to bond

[GG300]

Hello everyone,
I am looking for advice on how to help my husband bond with our little girl.

she is 6 months old and I have taken to motherhood perfectly. I absolutely adore her and love our time together

however my husband is more vocal about ‘not feeling as he is supposed to feel’. He doesn’t particularly enjoy spending time with her and doesn’t tend to immerse himself in bath/bedtime unless I ask him to.

he feels like my daughter and I are together and he is left out. I know he wants to bond with her but he finds parenting so difficult and frustrating, whereas I find it a pleasure. this makes it harder for him because he can’t understand why I have taken to it so well and he hasn’t.

it has come to the stage now where I enjoy parenting her alone more than with my husband, as he (unintentionally) creates a more hostile environment due to increased stress

let me just end by saying, my husband is a perfect man and we have never so much as had a crossed word in our 7 years together. This is the only issue we have encountered

How is sleep in the household?

Long working hours, disruption to routines due to baby's arrival. It could be he is not feeling himself due to changes around little ones presence.

Lots of dads struggle at the start, dads care can appear a bit shit compared to mums, it often takes them longer to settle the baby, change the baby, feed the baby, baby often prefers mum at the beginning, so they back off a bit and then lose confidence. It’s really common, your plan is a good one, just leave them to it, tell him he will find HIS way of looking after her which will probably look quite different to yours, and that’s ok. He will come into his own I’m sure.

You didn’t need to do anything differently, their poor behaviour was on them.

I struggled massively with Motherhood even though DD was very much planned. At the end of the day there is no choice but to push through and get on with parenting. This isn't your problem to fix, it is his and he needs to put a brave face on and carry on.

Most women on here who complain about parenting on the board see their baby as a problem to be managed to be fair

Endless threads about babies crying all night.Yeah they do that. It's not news more surprising.

Give him time. Many Dad's come into their own when their children are more physically developed - walking, swimming, climbing.
Sometimes the baby prefer's their mother and voices that so the Dad's feel a bit crap. All normal.
Give Dad regular time alone. Can he take her to swimming?

Remember that you are DH friend not just the baby's mother so keep doing adult outings etc.
Look into whether DH could be depressed.

Exactly this. Just leave them alone together.

Lots of men are just like this as they can't do right for doing wrong. It is normal to not be a natural with a baby if they have little experience of them, and their wives butting in and taking over just undermines them.
Take yourself off out of the picture for a while and let them bond.

I think a lot of excuses are made for men who don’t want to do the grunt work within relationships and households.

On the one hand micromanaging is not ideal because you’d want that to come naturally to somebody who loves their child but on the other hand, “ micromanaging” is what keeps babies safe in the world. It’s actually an important attribute of a caregiver.

Not everyone enjoys the early baby stage, including mums. My mum always said our dad wasn't that interested in us until we were talking and the fact is he's been a great dad despite that. People can get too hung up on how they are 'supposed to feel' but it doesn't come naturally to everyone. I mean, I never felt the 'unbelievable rush of love' for my two post birth that many people talk about and I've seen people get really hung up on not feeling that, but I just accepted its not the same for everyone and didn't mean I didn't love my kids.

I think you may just have to accept how he feels for now and its more than likely there will come a point he feels more able to relate.

My husband was similar: we had two children within 19 months and he just didn’t enjoy the baby or toddler stage. I exclusively breastfed both of them and loved every minute of their early lives but he struggled to bond, saying it was obvious they needed me more than him. It was so hard, especially as like you, OP, we had an amazing relationship and had both wanted kids. Anyway, the good news is - it got better! As the kids got older, he slowly bonded with them. And I tried to give him more time alone with them. They are teens now and he says he has enjoyed fatherhood more and more as they have got older. It was hard on me and I have definitely done more parenting than him. But he is wonderful man, a great provider and I am so happy we persevered. Good luck.

He sounds like he's making excuses for not being an involved father, letting you know how fatherhood isn't fulfilling.

I think it's a bit of a dick move to be honest. He may have been the perfect partner when it was just the two of you, but he's really not being one now.

I think the idea of them spending more one to one time is good - see if he steps up.

Definitely leave them alone together more. It also might help if you occasionally had a little moan after a bad day or said you miss the spontaneity or whatever because he must feel like he’s on another planet to you if it’s all sunshine, rainbows, everything is perfect to you whilst he’s thinking actually this is really tough going. Because the truth is no doubt somewhere in the middle- babies are hard work but it can also be pretty wonderful!

I think your husband needs to adjust his expectations (maybe that you are putting on him?). I would not say that having a baby is a pleasure. 😂 Most parents don’t really enjoy it hugely. Certainly not to the extent you seem to if he’s using that as a measuring stick. I loved my babies, but I can’t say I enjoyed bath or bedtime. It’s just a task to be gotten through.

He needs time with baby (without you) and he needs to get stuck in with the work, bathtime, bedtime, taking her for walks, out to the shops, to visit his family or friends for an hour or two. They have to get to know each other. It won’t be a pleasure. It’s just what you do. He’ll get there, but he needs time and space to do it.

In the first week she was alive youve spent more time caring for her and working out what works and what doesn't, than he did in over a month. For every week you spend he spends a couple of hours. So you are getting more and more experienced and he is getting more and more out of his comfort zone as she grows.

He needs some kind of dads class that tells dads it’s ok to be nervous or anxious or whatever and that the bond will grow but you do need to fake it til you make it. Have a google and see if there is one anywhere reasonably local. If no dads classes then some other parent and baby class. If he is surrounded by people admiring his baby and appearing to be thinking Hes a good dad it may help him?

At the same time you need to not criticise him and his methods unless they are dangerous. Going away to the gym or whatever and leaving him to it will force him to get on with it.

It’s scary stuff. Imagine it from his viewpoint. Youre in charge of a human who duesnt appear to like you that much. You don’t know what to do when or how to do it. Someone else knows it all and is better. You have no confidence. Easier to feel sad and give up and hand the baby back to mum….

Sounds tricky, but I think the advice for him and your daughter to have more one-on-one time is good.

He may find that as she gets a bit older, he finds it easier to bond. In my friendship groups, fatherhood seemed to ‘click’ once they came out of the baby phase and into the toddler phase.

Not the same situation, but my two had big mummy preferences and although my dh never voiced being upset or feeling left out, I found carving out a few activities that ‘only daddy’ did helped. E.g. playing a certain game. If they wanted to play it with me, I’d pretend I didn't know how or wasn't strong enough and take the opportunity to big up my husband, so that they’d seek him out for it. Just a small thing, but it helped.

Good luck, I'm sure your dh will find his feet.

You need to back off and leave her with him for some good chunks of time. Take a shopping day out, or a spa day. Give them some time together without you lurking and waiting to take over.

I agree with this. I would try to reassure him that it's entirely normal - for many mums as well as dads. You don't necessarily feel bonded to this crying pooing small human that is suddenly in your house.

It's also normal that he will take longer to feel the bond if he is the one working more.

He just needs to get on with doing things with baby when he gets chance - feeding, changing, bathtime etc - and not worry about whether he is "feeling" a connection. That connection will just grow with time.

It is not unusual for a dad to feel deskilled as he watches mum slide into parenthood and in a smooth routine with baby.
One of the many reasons for this is that the parent who is with baby most is tuned in to their moods/needs and is one jump ahead, so things go smoothly.
There is only one solution to this ... he needs more time with baby on his own so he can develop his own sixth sense and confidence.
It is very easy for a mum to feel they can do things better and not want any disruption to routine.
It is important that you do not leap in every time he does things differently ... his way is his and to be valued. Biting the tongue and sitting on your hands is part of the task... leave him to it.
My children, now adults, had lots of daddy days ... I turned a blind eye to lots that I suspected went on!
But it is also worth saying that busy working dad's often come into their own a bit later on. He needs to stop thinking he has to "bond" right now. His role at this moment might be to keep the finances stable and be a support to you. Forget the blooming binding (Bowlby has a lot to answer for!) and go with the flow. Dad will have his moment ... maybe later .. but maybe now if you let go a bit.

Thank you again for all the kind comments, it has been really helpful and reassuring to know that this is very common, and also the general consensus is for them to spend more time one on one. I will definitely implement this going forward.

There will be some dads groups somewhere he can join, he needs peer support and role models. Don't get drawn in to 'solving' his problem, just listen and make acknowledging noises.

Just to add - you need to get a regular babysitter and go on adult-only 'dates'.

It can be fatal to a relationship to be so involved in being parents that you forget you are also a couple.
He needs time alone with the baby, but he also needs time alone with you - the person you were before you became a mother.

Is he just jealous? You are now effectively in a new relationship, a lovely little love bubble, and he is the third wheel. I know the baby is now your favourite person in the world, but don’t push him to the side. I’ve seen a couple of friend’s marriages end this way.

I’m absolutely gobsmacked that the advice from other mothers is to leave a vulnerable child with somebody who openly admits they’re not emotionally attached to them.
Absolute madness

I would add that I am unfortunately coming from a place of experience. There was three Years and three months between myself and my sister and one of my earliest memories is my sister age to sat on the floor and my dad kicking her up the arse so hard that she flew in the air, whilst our mum was at the shops for the afternoon.

He didn’t even think there was anything wrong with that because when I mentioned it 10 years later, he nodded acknowledging it.
Obviously, this man is a pillar of society and everybody outside of the family likes him.

You need to be very careful with your young daughter