How old is too old to have a child?

[Spookygoose]

I keep hearing about women freezing their eggs in their early/mid-30s to delay having children. It makes me wonder what age they actually plan on having these kids if they are only freezing their eggs when they’re already in their 30s. When they’re in their mid-40s?? It seems that freezing eggs is seen as some sort of magical solution to your biological clock, as if not being able to conceive is the only issue with having kids in your 40s or beyond. What about having less energy as you get older, the toll pregnancy takes on your body, being significantly older than all the other mums, potentially dying when your child is barely an adult etc? It’s got me thinking, how old do you think is too old to have a child? I did IVF and had my son in my mid-30s. I’m now 40 and have some embryos still frozen that I could potentially use to have another child. I would love to give DS a sibling but am not currently in a place in my life where it would be practical. I’m starting to let go of the idea of having another one, however I’m not 100%. If my situation changed by the time I was 43 or 44, I’m really unsure if I would want to have a baby at that age. Mainly because I just feel I’d be “an old mum” and I don’t want to feel like that. But AIBU? I really don’t know 🤷‍♀️

I think when the person feels that they will be too old to be a mum mainly.

For me when I was younger- 32. Now I'm 31 I'd consider it 38 - 40. I think its all down to lifestyle and personal preference.

It surprises me how little people seem to consider the reality of how age impacts you as a parent. I've had the discussion about age with friends a few times - they always focus on money, career and such and seem to forget that the younger you are, the more energy you tend to have.

I had both my children before I was 30 and I definitely found it easier than friends who were in their late 30s when they had their first. I'm mid 40s now and my children are teenagers - I'm so glad I don't have to go through perimenopause and chase toddlers at the same time (though the soup of hormones in the house is not fun either).

It's not always possible to have children at a younger age, but it's definitely worth trying to go younger rather than older IMO. That said, I don't think there's an age that's 'too old' to have children as long as you're physically and otherwise able for it.

Well, if lots of people are delaying pregnancy as you describe then you won’t be the only only mum!

I’m an old mum to my ds2; I was 42 and dh was 40.

My mum was 40 when she had me and my dad was 41. I remember them dragging me on mountain-climbing holidays when I was 15 so I knew first hand that old parents don’t have to be indolent parents. My parents were constantly active and exciting to be around.

I do think a lot of it is about circumstances, health and attitude. Dh and I work hard to keep fit and active and eat healthily. Right now my dh is out on a 75 min bike ride with ds2. We also work hard to be financially secure so if we die young, our kids are fully provided for.

My pregnancy with ds2 was textbook perfect. I started long walks 7 days after he was born and was walking 5 miles every weekday by the time he was two weeks old. By the time ds was two, we’d often spend a few hours a day out walking and playing at the park or on his balance bike or digging in the garden.

I am not going to say it’s easy - of course we might get cancer or heart disease and of course statistically we are unlikely to be alive if our own kids have families later in life too. I am sad that my dad never met either of my kids. But only just earlier today my son told me he’s going to grow up to be an engineer just like my dad (probably true - ds is very good at practical STEM stuff).

But parenting always has its challenges and I don’t regret having my second child so much later in life. Dh and I have a much stronger marriage now than we had ten years earlier. We provide a happy, comfortable home for our son. We aren’t obviously as energetic as we were in our 20s and 30s but we still have a spirit of adventure and we like new challenges.

And I don’t feel ostracised at the school gates. I’ve been welcomed - I don’t have lots and lots of mum-friends age 30 as of course lives are very different. But I’ve got a few around that age. We learn from each other, in the same way I have friends from different cultures. Age is less of a barrier when you’re an adult.

Personally I’m glad I had mine in late 20s/early 30s as at 46 I’m now knackered, but I know people who had kids in mid 40s who did fine. You have more energy when you’re younger but you tend to have more resources when you’re older.

I'm also an older mum and can say that the premise that younger parents have more energy is a total misnomer.

I had ds at 43.2..no regrets. He's an absolute delight. .

There are variants of this thread on mumsnet approximately every 3 weeks, and it always gets filled up by people who had kids in their 20s and 30s saying they’d be too tired to have kids now in their 40s, without stopping to consider that’s at least partly because they’ve spent the last 15 years raising kids! If that’s the case then of course it would be very unusual for you to want to start again, but people who haven’t have kids yet and haven’t been living in sleep deprivation for the last 15 years might feel differently.

It's all down to the individual person, Victoria Coren Mitchell has all the resources around her to make it work so having a baby in her 50s is clearly less burdensome than for the average person.

My mum had a completely uncomplicated natural pregnancy with my very healthy sister when she was 44 so older parents don't seem that unusual to me. I struggled with infertility so had my first via IVF at 40, lots of the other pregnant women I saw at the maternity hospital were around my age so I didn't feel like an odd one out. I do have other frozen embryos so I would like to try for at least one more sibling but I wouldn't want to be too much older. Somewhere closer to my mum's age than Victoria Coren Mitchell's would be my cut off point but it would be determined by lots of factors and I would be prioritising the child I already have over the potential of more siblings.

Can I ask, when he was a baby/toddler/early primary school did you feel very different from the other mums? Don’t know how old your DS is now but if he’s old enough to be aware, does he see you as an “older mum” compared to his friends etc? I know there’s probably more important things to worry about regarding being an older mum, but I worry if I did have another child, they might be embarrassed that I was so much older than their friends’ mums etc.

I had my last at 40 and first at 29. I don't feel like a older mum.mainly because I already had kids before 40 so I wasn't putting it off or living my best carefree life.

I'd have kids past 40. I think it's all very personal but my youngest really does a lot of maths?on how we will be when she is 20 or 30 and worry we will die before her mates mums. I could be her mates mum!

Unfortunately if I could take that worry away I would. But if I'd had her at 38 or 39 she wouldn't even think about it. The kids I had at 29 and 34 see me as much younger than there mates mums. My child I had at 37 has never commented ( but he is disabled).

If all things was perfect I think before 40 just because I might die as a dd has her first child. She will have her three older siblings to help deal with the estate. It was bad enough my mum dieing in my late 40s when I had a junior age child.

That's the reality. You might be young and fit at 45 but you can't stop the grandparents biology.

But not a reason to not have kids older. It's just a added consideration. You only live once.

I think choosing to have a first child at 45 eg you frooze your eggs to do so is very different. If you saw work and traveling as more import then that says a lot about what kind of parent you will be.

I had mine at just short of 43 and just short if 47. I would gave preferred to have had them younger but with problems ttc that's how it happened. They are now 18 and 14 and things have been fine. I had plenty of energy for them when they were young and the teenage years haven't been a problem either.

I never noticed anyone judging me at the school gate and, even if they did, why would I care? There are lots of older mums around in any case.

I do think that having children later has kept me active and with a younger outlook.

My teens sometimes mention having older parents but I don't think they are bothered really. Thinking back to my teen years, everyone was embarrassed by their parents regardless of their age!

Ds is now 11...
He is a very popular boy at school and clubs. I've never really interacted with school gate dm's. Less patience for that crap now.
I've actually had dc in my teen's, 20's, 30's and last one in my 40's. Pros and cons to all ages ime.
Ds never went to toddler groups like his younger siblings. His fond memories include breakfast in a cafe and feeding ducks in the rain!
I really couldn't face mindless chatter at baby groups again. He's a very bright dc heading for great sporting things.

It seems very unlikely to be able to naturally conceive and then have a pregnancy that ends in a baby after the age of around 44 maybe 45/46 at a push. So that would probably be my answer

Almost 43 with first.
I would consider another at 45 but I know there's a much higher risk of genetic abnormalities etc so wouldn't risk the heartache of doing naturally and would consider IVF to help rule out as many complications as possible.
Age wise, I feel so much better having a child later in life than I would have in my 20s or 30s

Around the age of 40-42 is to old, when the body struggles to concieve naturally & the risks of having a disabled child rockets.

Mum had me when she was 44. She’s a lovely mum and I’m glad I’m here!
I’m mid 30s and my mum is approaching 80, and it is a bit scary and sad to think that I will lose her within the next 20 years, perhaps much sooner. But I don’t think she regrets having me, and I certainly don’t regret having her 🥰

I think there are pros and cons for having children when you are younger or older. It all comes down to the individual.

Exactly

If you have young kids later you probably seem younger anyway as you have to keep active plus you had more time to look after yourself in your 30s.

Also older mums live longer statistically although they could be because they tend to be richer.

I had my DC in my late 30s and early 40s. I was not noticeably older than the other Mums at school, nor did I have less energy than I had in my 20s (in fact I was much fitter in my 40s than I was in my 20s or 30s). I have a stable marriage and lots more money which enabled us to pay for childcare and a cleaner. I'm now in my mid 50s, my DC are all teenagers, I've only just starting to have irregular periods (my Mum also had a late menopause and at 79 is only just beginning to start slowing down a bit). I've noticed that people who have DC young tend to age faster than those who have DC later, I think being in my 50s and still having teenagers at home keeps me young and in touch with current trends whereas if I was a grandmother at this age that automatically makes you feel much older.

Anyway, I think as long as you are capable of getting pregnant and are in a stable relationship and can afford kids go for it.

I had mine at 32 and 34, it felt right. I'm considering a final baby at 39 and I just cannot make the decision.

I had all three of mine by 31, we had planned for one more but that didn't happen.
Personally I wouldn't have been wanting to try past 45.

Had mine with no fertility issues at 38 and 40
I wouldnt want one at 43 myself but believe i could if i wanted to (my GMs has their last at 44 and 45)
... but everyone's different 42/43/44 isnt wildly unusual.
I do think I'd have more kids if I started younger...

and i do agree with you about egg freezing though..unless its radically improved I wasnt impressed, I looked at it when I was 30 and single - the invasiveness vs success of egg freezing meant it was a no from me.
Embryos statistically do much better but to get a live birth from an egg? It was a bridge too far for me.

This is so lovely to hear. I had my children at 41 and 45. I hope they feel about me the way you do about your mum. You sound like a fabulous daughter.

That is a very good point actually. I had a lot more energy with my first than I did with my second. I had them both in my early 30s, and they were close together, so 2-3 years wouldn't have made a difference on energy levels at that time.

Collective sleep deprivation is no joke.😴

Oh, forgot to add as well that children cause parents a lot of anxiety which again drains reserves, having that for longer further tires you. It is impossible to know either way, but it definately takes it's toll the longer it goes on, or has for me anyway.