To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

[JTT95]

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not. It seems like everyone is sending their babies to nursery at 1 or even earlier. I know that some women want to and are happy to go back but there are many women who are heartbroken to leave their babies so young. I wish it was like the olden days where a man’s wage was enough to suport the whole family.

And women weren't allowed their own bank accounts?
Where women are forced to stay with abusive husbands because they are financially tied?
Also know that on 1 wage you are cooking from basics (no gusto or takeaway)
Mending rather than buying clothes (goodbye boden and seasalt)
No complaining because your autistic child MUST have their own bedroom.
It's not all like the tradwife on tiktok has you believe

Agree with many PPs about the romanticisation of the “olden days” and how shit many things were for women.

However I don’t like my job and never have done (I’m a lawyer and the higher earner in my relationship). I feel like a rubbish feminist for wishing I could be a SAHM! I’ve just never found work rewarding or a good use of my time.

Interesting that a PP said they’re happy to fund childcare as a taxpayer when it’s done by professionals but not by the parent!

It's a tricky one, I think the fear of going back is sometimes worse, I actually enjoyed being able to go for a coffee etc with a colleague plus earning money but I think it must be harder if you're in other professions (I had relatively cozy office job). Post COVID with WFH also lot easier.
Hardest thing is when you don't have a choice either way and it's easy to simplify times gone by, both my grandmother and mother worked but very much out of choice. (In science/medicine).

We've moved overseas (from UK) and for first time in almost 20 years not working which is really strange but also feel my kids need me a bit more at this age (more emotionally). However I probably will go back to work at some point however again choice is a massive privilege.

Absolutely this from @IcedPurple 200%!!

I can’t currently work, due to cancer and treatment. Myself and DP are managing. but are constantly assessing finances each month. It’s absolutely stressful.

illness, relationship breakdown and job loss are very common these days. You have to be responsible for yourself financially.

I will be encouraging my daughters to be financially independent and not to leave themselves vulnerable, however they will likely be influenced by the fact that I have been a SAHM for the entirety of their childhood. And they were home educated.

We really do buck the modern trend and I feel incredibly fortunate that we have been able to do that for our family.

ETA and I wasn't an unwilling participant btw!

A women has the right to a career, a woman has a choice of whether she has children. Some women choose one or the other, some choose to have both......thank god we live in a time where women are regarded as intelligent enough to make the life choices that suit them.
I choose to have a career, my sister choose to have children over her career, my mum had both children and a career. Please don't feel sorry for any of us OP our lives our choices.🍪

I didn’t say I feel sorry for people who made a choice (whatever the choice is). I said I feel
sorry for the women who would like more time with their children but feel unable to take a career break.

Isn't that just life, though? Lots of people would like more time to do lots of things. Life isn't perfect, is it? You do the best you can with what you've got.

No for the purposes of this post I meant women, as that is what the OP is talking about

@TalulaHalulah

I started writing this, and then I wondered what you feeling ‘sad’ for women who are not able to stay at home achieves? How does this help anyone? What do you think the solutions are?
I mean, I have worked since my DD was four months old and she is now 22. I spent most of that time as a single, working parent as her dad met someone else when she was a baby. Please don’t feel ‘sad’ for me. I don’t need it.

Absolutely. I don't want anyone feeling "sad" for me either, I don't need anyone's pity and I don't think there's any reason for regret and I find this current trend for romanticising the 1950s model of marriage really backward-looking.

I've raised my DD completely on my own, worked incredibly hard at a career which I (usually) enjoy and pays well. I've provided a good life for her, without any reliance on anyone else whatsoever. She's well adjusted and happy and she has had opportunities which she would have missed out if I'd chosen to work less purely in order to remain at home.

When people say they are "sad" on behalf of women who "have to work" I wonder what exactly they think they are "sad" for?

An age where few women advanced in successful careers? Where senior female business people/politicians/public servants/entrepreneurs were anomalies?
An age where many women were forced to leave work after they got married? (In Ireland it was illegal to employ married women until, I believe, the mid 1970s)
An age where a woman rarely had own money and had to follow orders from her husband? Where she couldn't open her own bank account and when her husband could hit her without fear of reprisal from the law? Where she was usually stuck with her husband if she hated him because she couldn't afford to leave?

The cost of living crisis is indeed a pressure on many families and the job market is awful. A lot of people (men and women) are working harder than they would want or in jobs that aren't ideal.

But becoming entirely dependent on another person for your financial wellbeing is like playing Russian Roulette. And, while remaining at home in the very early years after you give birth is understandable, would anyone want to spend the best years of their lives at home focused entirely on domestic labour?

Be careful what you wish for...

Not everyone is maternal and wants to spend time with their kids. Some women just have kids for show. Some woman are maternal and have bad anxiety leaving their kids. It is sad for them.

Yes, but the answer is not being under custody of a man.

I totally agree mothers should be able to be full-time parents. We can though really, just depends how you look at it.

I wouldn't have had kids unless I could WFH and not use childcare in the first few years. Wouldn't be worth it for me.

There's flexi work, benefits, part-time work etc.

Interesting that a PP said they’re happy to fund childcare as a taxpayer when it’s done by professionals but not by the parent!

I thought the same thing when I had to go back to work after my first. Why will the state help pay for another woman to look after my child but not me, their mother? 🤔

It’s all very well if you like your work and you’re treated with respect and they pay you enough to live on. Lots of people don’t have the brains or means to get those jobs.

I was the poster who said that. I'm happy for my taxes to fund childcare so that women can work and contribute to the economy. I'm not happy to contribute to tax breaks for them to stay at home. If women / families want to enable SAH parenting that's something they have every right to choose to do but I think they should finance it themselves.

Women have pretty much always worked, apart from a relatively short period of time (in comparison to human history) where a certain social class of woman stayed at home to raise children - and actually taken as a group suffered horrendous rates of depression and mental illness.

Women do get to have their wages paid into bank accounts they own and opened by themselves now though, which is great.

I always find these posts lamenting a past that never truly existed a bit odd - there have been a lot of them lately.

Because in returning to work you are contributing to the economy and paying tax. You're not doing either of these things by staying at home.

Isn’t the answer obvious? If you’re working, you’re paying tax and NIs, and the woman who’s looking after your child is paying tax and NIs. You’re also going to be more employable going forward and less likely to become a burden on the state. In other words, the taxpayer benefits.

If you choose to have kids with a man who cannot provide enough for a family then that’s the choice you’ve made. No one forces anyone to go to work. Their decisions do!!

But it is a choice...if someone chooses to have a child knowing they will have to return to work to afford their chosen life style that's a life choice they have deliberately made.

If unexpected circumstances occur and their situation changes drastically where they are forced back to work then yes that's very sad but I truly believe this is absolutely the exception not the norm.
I find your generalised"feeling sorry" for women, who don't want to go back to work but have to, quite patronising.

We'd all like to do lots of things though, wouldn't we?

As I said above, very few people are lucky enough to actually enjoy going to work but needs must.

If you choose to have children, then it's up to you to finance that choice. Either you accept that you have to go back to work or you make financial sacrifices. That's life.

I tend to agree with you OP. Although the way you phrase it is a bit old-fashioned. You are always going to get people defending their choices. I think a parent should be able to stay at home and bring up their own children. It doesn't have to be the mum. I also.think lots of women don't want to work full time and would like to spend more time with their young.childten. However this is most definitely not a popular opinion. I am glad I stayed at home when my kids were little. It has affected my career and earning potential, but we chose to have kids and I felt it was my responsibility to bring them up. It has been worth the sacrifice for my kids but not my employer prospects. Don't regret it.

In am ideal world women would be financially independent and we could do what we like

However life doesnt work like that. The concept of sahm is a modern concept. My working class grandparents and their parents all worked while older relatives who weren't fit for work minded the children. Rarely could women afford just to stay home and not have an income

I personally did not want to make myself financially vulnerable when I had children so kept working. Was I sad I had to keep working, a bit but I recognised the pro outweighed the cons.

@Hankunamatata

I personally did not want to make myself financially vulnerable when I had children so kept working. Was I sad I had to keep working, a bit but I recognised the pro outweighed the cons.

Exactly. Being at home with children for any prolonged period of time comes at the cost of financial independence and agency. There is no credible evidence of any significant long term benefit to the children of having a mother at home beyond a certain point and it comes at a very high cost to the woman.

Thats a choice some will still make if they can afford it and they absolutely should be free to make it. But seeing the alternative as a tragedy for women is misguided.

I didn’t say it was tragic but what should I say to someone who tells me they wish they could stay with their child for longer but finances won’t allow? If they feel sad about it then I feel sad for them.

I think we can also agree that the balance of pros/cons will look different for everyone. Some might decide that being with their children until certain age outweighs the cost of slowing down their career. I know that is the case for me. I did go back after my first child for a little bit and absolutely hated being away from her to the point it was affecting my mental health.