To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

[JTT95]

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not. It seems like everyone is sending their babies to nursery at 1 or even earlier. I know that some women want to and are happy to go back but there are many women who are heartbroken to leave their babies so young. I wish it was like the olden days where a man’s wage was enough to suport the whole family.

Land value perhaps? They were in my circle too. I'm up north. The same cannot be said for today, with cost of living to wage ratio, even with lower land value.

Yes, My OH's mother earned more than his father and they needed both wages to survive. I doubt that she would have got paid maternity leave or much available nursery care other than from family members too...r

Would you still be okay financially, if your marriage broke down? ( hopefully it won’t) That would be the main worry if the woman isn’t financially independent, I think.

I'm from a working class family and my mum was a sahm, as were the other families around us (neighbours and family). The two adults and us two children lived in a terraced 2 bedroom house, always second hand cars and caravan holidays. I never felt we were poor because it was how everybody seemed to live, though I vaguely remember arguments about money and I knew we didn't have much. Family members were always lending and borrowing money to each other.
Technically, I could be a sahm on my husband's wage but I would likely feel we were "poor." It would mean a smaller house, more simple holidays (if any), being incredibly sensible with money, fewer new clothes, hand me downs, not updating TVs, phones, cars, no play rooms, no home office, etc etc. I don't know how many of us would be prepared to have less outward signs of wealth for the privilege of staying at home.
I don't envy my Mum as she seemed bored and always had money worries. Like others, she went on to get the odd cleaning job but she never did anything towards her own goals, her self confidence remained low and things remained that way long after we left home.
I suppose my point is, a lot of us probably could survive on one wage in the household, but life would look very different!

Not just a man's wage. Any wage. We used to be able to live on one wage. That includes single people. Now families can't live on a single wage, and single people can't really live comfortably on a single wage. It's gone backwards. Meanwhile the Millennials have swallowed the idea that getting back to work and putting your baby in childcare is the norm. These days are precious. We took the financial hit for the first year and a half, now we both work part time and live frugally and are poor but happy. It's hard on Dads to have to leave their children too. My partner was heartbroken when he had to go to work after pat leave.

“Olden days” How far back are we talking OP? I’m 54, my parents ( now in their 70’s) worked multiple jobs at a time whilst raising me and my two brothers.
There was no choice in the matter; no pay = no food on the table and no mortgage paid.

I think many women did work during the “olden days “ even if it was cleaning or low skilled type work.

We are living in a different world now. Property is expensive, food is expensive and most families run at least one if not two cars.

Women need to be financially independent, they need a pension ( or some kind of savings etc) if the marriage goes pair shaped. You can enter marriage/ a partnership with good intentions, but reading some of the posts on here, some are miserable and financially screwed because they have stayed at home.

Perhaps! I’m Scotland so cheaper cost of living. Very working class area and upbringing though, my Mum and Dad and several friends parents only got on the housing ladder by buying their council properties, so could be that no one could afford to live on one wage even then.

I’d say this has a lot to do with it - women’s jobs and opportunities have definitely changed over time. My Gran (born 1930s) was primarily a SAHM but would do bar work in hotels or cleaning etc in the evenings on occasion. My Mum (born 1960s) worked 25-30 hours in a semi-skilled role. I (born 1990) work full time in a profession.

This is true. Economics was invented by men who had wives to do everything for them at home and raise their children. That's why unpaid childcare is not factored in to the economy as a valuable thing. If the Government are willing to pay someone else to look after your child with childcare subsidies, why wouldn't they be willing to pay the bloody Mother to look after her own child? Either raising children is beneficial to society or it isn't.

In Australia where I live they are so big on putting people back to 'work', childcare is subsidised, and childcare workers get priority places in nursery. It's bonkers. Imagine putting your child in childcare to look after other people's children all day. What if they offered Mothers that money instead?

Not true. We are working class and I don't work. Too many appointments for DS and he's only at school part time. I have made sacrifices to be at home but I have no choice.
I actually think more women could stay at home if they wanted to but they don't want to give up their lifestyle which is fair enough.
So I don't think it's fair to say staying at home is a privilege of middle class.

Yes, I agree. My grandma did school cleaning and she rented a council house with my grandad, who was a mechanic.

Mum was born in the early 1950’s and worked hard as a HCA in a hospital, as a cleaner, support worker and god knows what else. By the time mum was in her mid forties, she had progressed to a more “ professional “ role, based on all her past work experiences.

I trained as a teacher.

Times have definitely changed. Women are striving for bigger and better things, because most of the time, they have to and maybe want to.

I don’t feel sad that some women are forced to go back to work. I do feel angry that we live in a society where people’s choices are being curtailed.

Some men do earn enough for their partners to stay at home. You just have to be selective about who you allow to impregnate you.

Oh wow, so many replies to get through.

Lots of replies saying „I went back to work because I wanted”- that’s great, I don’t think anyone who doesn’t want to be a SAHM should be forced to be one. Not good for your or the child’s mental health.

Some people said „what’s the point of getting education if you end up being a SAHM”. I have a Vocational title and worked in my field for more tj w 10 years before quitting to become a SAHM so the benefits of my education are twofold: a)the time I was in employment allowed us to save up to buy a house etc b) better educated SAHM hopefully leads to better educated kids? Despite some people saying being a SAHM is „just changing nappies”, it is so much more than that. My eldest is now home educated so I actually have to teach her.

I might be wrong about the „olden days” and how many women were SAHMs back then but I personally know quite a few. Very few babies were in nurseries, I know that much for sure.

I agree that maybe I should have said „single wage” rather than „mans wage” but in my experience, most men are not wired that way. My husband adores the kids and loves spending time with them but he wouldn’t want to be a full time SAHP. I on the other hand really, really wanted to. It gives me so much more satisfaction that my career ever did.

I would have loved not to have had to go back to work.

However, when the shit hit the fan, and XH became violent, I was very glad that I had a job to help me keep the roof over my children’s heads.

As long as you're not using home education as a reason to stay at home and your child wouldn't rather be in school, it's all good.

That’s what I thought!

I think it’s a shame that one wage isn’t enough to sustain a large family. I often despair at the eye watering costs of, well everything, and always worry because I have a very good wage and would struggle if it was ever lower for any reason.

So I guess I am sad more women don’t have the choice to be a SAHM is they want mainly borne from anger about the cost of living

No, I’ve got 2 other small kids at home so life would be much easier for me if she was at school. Home education is the right choice for her for now but I do plan on sending her to school later down the line. She’s only just turned 4.

First post nailed it

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not.

Most people don't particularly 'like' going to work but have to in order to earn money. Being a mother does not make you different from anyone else in that respect.

So what would happen if your husband was too heartbroken to leave the kids and go to work too?

Ok but that’s not my point. I get that some(most?) people don’t particularly like working but when you’re a mum, you have the added heartbreak of leaving your baby in someone else’s care and that’s what’s sad in my opinion.

ideally we would both go part time

I'm not sure if leaving a child with competent carers for the length of a working day is 'heartbreak' but obviously if someone feels this way they need to make plans before choosing to have children.

To be perfectly frank, it's not anyone else's problem.

I'm very suspicious of the phrase 'men are not wired that way'. Men and women are socialised differently, yes. But the conservative rhetoric about women being naturally suited to staying at home seeks to restrict, control and imprison woman claiming that it's innate and inherent and just as God intends.

We can challenge societal expectations of men and women. Certainly in my household, my husband does a lot more domestic chores than I do.

We're really being bombarded at the moment with regressive propaganda, and this post feels like part of it.