Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 year old not cooking causes conflict

93 replies

Nickibobmoonshine · 14/09/2025 06:16

Hi, my first time of posting on here. Just need some advice, I've had some from friends but thought I would ask here ☺️ just had a big argument with my bf of 4 years, he always seems to have an issue with how I treat my kids and I have three, 15 year old, 17 year old and 21 year old.
Now my youngest and eldest cook a lot of their own meals but my 17 is slightly autistic and a lazy moo so I cook for him, very basic food, which he could do for himself, but I really don't mind doing it and quite enjoy it since it's only really chicken in the air fryer or something because he doesn't eat healthy good meals and only beige food. My bf believes he should cook everything for himself because when he leaves home he won't be able to do it, but I know he can and I really don't mind. So he said to me 'normal parents ' would get their 17 year old to cook, so I hit the roof since my kids are very good and I've never had trouble from them and they support me. Please let me know AIBU?

OP posts:
Randomlygeneratedname · 14/09/2025 06:18

When I lived at home, my dad cooked all our meals every night. When my kids are older, I will cook for them. We did all have the same meal though and I've made it clear to mine I won't piss about making different meals for each person.

Chiseltip · 14/09/2025 06:18

If they were hungry they would make their own food.

You are being taken advantage of by a spoilt brat.

WolfingtonBear · 14/09/2025 06:20

he always seems to have an issue with how I treat my kids

Does he now? 🤔

So many new partners and boyfriends moaning and needling about the teenagers of their partner here on MN. I’d tell him very firmly to mind his own business or I would be rethinking carefully whether I want to be in a relationship with him or not.

Sitdowny · 14/09/2025 06:24

I’m with you don’t back down. He is over stepping his mark. So what if tourb17 year old wants you to do something? You find it easy and it probably makes him feel loved and fussed over.
You know that he can do it and that’s all that matters.

Frozensun · 14/09/2025 06:24

In that you acknowledge him to be a ‘lazy moo’, does he do anything to contribute to the household? If no, then at 17, he should be doing something. It’s not whether you mind, but whether he’s plain lazy. Unfortunately, far too many partners end up with a lazy git who won’t get out of their own way, don’t let yours son’s future (potential) partner be one.

LittlePineapple · 14/09/2025 06:26

@Chiseltip Did you miss where she said he was autistic?

That's an awful thing to have written and says more about you than you probably realise.

OP - my daughter is 16 and autistic and over summer holidays there have been days she would choose to cook. However the cognitive demands of being expected to cook on top of managing school would be too much. She's bright, clever... And also autistic. It certainly doesn't make her a "brat".

I don't think many of her peers are "expected" to cook tbh although there's a mix of friends who do cook sometimes because they enjoy it.

My youngest (also autistic) has quite a restricted diet but also loves cooking. But it will be quite a specific interest and a specific thing - the interest doesn't transfer to other things (so for example it was tuna pasta bake that they made if they cooked... And that only for a while).

For both of them the expectation (or "demand" in SEND-speak) to do this would be too much.

Autism is a disability and even if people appear to be bright, clever etc they can still be working super hard to just cope with the demands of day to day life. It can be really tricky at the point of becoming an adult with increased responsibility and as we know any transition needs to be handled well this can backfire so easily.

In your case I would also say you know your children and in no way would I be taking advice from a boyfriend. Particularly one with no understanding of autism, or parenting...

And from experience it will leave lifelong scars on your relationship if you prefer your partner to your child over issues like this.

Woompund · 14/09/2025 06:28

He thinks your 17 year old should cook sometimes or ALL his own meals?
I cook for my 17 year old for the same reasons you do. I do encourage him to cook if I'm not around and he will if he has to but I don't think there's anything wrong with a parent cooking meals for their teenage kids!

LittlePineapple · 14/09/2025 06:29

I would make it very clear to the Bf (as it appears you haven't in the 4 years) where his scope of influence lies. Set a boundary that parenting your children is your business and call him on it every time he oversteps.

If this doesn't get anywhere do you really want to be with a partner that treats your children like this?

Its so sad how many parents do this 😞. (Mine included tbf!)

DorothyStorm · 14/09/2025 06:40

Im shocked you are making your 15 year old cook his own meals.

Everyone cooking their own meals is batshit. Taking turns to cok for the family makes more sense.

Does your boyfriend cook all his own meals?

DorothyStorm · 14/09/2025 06:41

WolfingtonBear · 14/09/2025 06:20

he always seems to have an issue with how I treat my kids

Does he now? 🤔

So many new partners and boyfriends moaning and needling about the teenagers of their partner here on MN. I’d tell him very firmly to mind his own business or I would be rethinking carefully whether I want to be in a relationship with him or not.

Also this.

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/09/2025 06:41

I agree that what you do for your kids is your decision. I think it is ok for your BF to question what you do but I would hope he recognises that even though he can give his opinion, it is your decision.

Could it be that your BF is worried about you running around after an almost adult?

What do you mean by "slightly autistic"? He either is or isn't autistic.

PollyBell · 14/09/2025 06:43

So who matter more him or your children, why would you even need to hesitate?

What you do for your children is none of his business, i hope you didn't move him

mumonthehill · 14/09/2025 06:48

Dc have always had a family meal cooked for them. As teenagers they would either say please save me a plate or they would make their own if getting in very late. I am unsure if you have family meals but i would not be expecting dc to individually cooked meals as that actually would have driven me mad. Last night ds 18 came back from work at 8, I had cooked him a baked potato and he cooked his steak.

MiddleAgeRageMonster · 14/09/2025 06:50

I cook an evening meal for my 18 year old, 15 year old and 57 year old (husband!).
No SEN etc.
There are few reasons for this:
It's as easy to cook for 4 as it is to cook for 2.
We all have busy days so a shared meal might be the only time we sit down together.
I still get to force something nutritious into them... like vegetables!
It's cheaper to use the oven once!
Both of my kids are good cooks and could survive without me but I think the family would feel fractured to me if we all ate different things at different times.

Pricelessadvice · 14/09/2025 06:51

Could you start to encourage the 17 year old to do his own food maybe 3 nights a week to start with? Show him how to use the air fryer etc.

Nopersbro · 14/09/2025 06:52

If you're cooking for yourself and making some for your 17yo too even though his siblings normally make their own, that seems perfectly normal and I'd just tell your partner to butt out as it doesn't involve him.

If 17yo is coming to you and asking you to drop everything and make some food just for him, then I see your partner's point and would possibly take it as him standing up for you/wanting you to stand up for yourself. The fact that you actually SAY that 17yo is lazy only reinforces this; if partner doesn't have children of his own he probably finds it normal and maybe even helpful to back you up in not rewarding or encouraging laziness. He may genuinely think he's doing the 17yo a favour too.

Regardless, though, parenting your children is ultimately your decision, so if you've decided to continue as you are I'd tell partner that more firmly so that he doesn't have to keep on bringing it up.

Buddingbudde · 14/09/2025 06:54

MiddleAgeRageMonster · 14/09/2025 06:50

I cook an evening meal for my 18 year old, 15 year old and 57 year old (husband!).
No SEN etc.
There are few reasons for this:
It's as easy to cook for 4 as it is to cook for 2.
We all have busy days so a shared meal might be the only time we sit down together.
I still get to force something nutritious into them... like vegetables!
It's cheaper to use the oven once!
Both of my kids are good cooks and could survive without me but I think the family would feel fractured to me if we all ate different things at different times.

All of this but also the kitchen mess of everyone cooking their own thing! Cook one family meal for everyone.

SunnySideDeepDown · 14/09/2025 06:55

Your kids your parenting. Absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend. Sounds like he’s trying to alienate your kids. He should mind his own business or f* off.

SpryUmberZebra · 14/09/2025 06:56

Woompund · 14/09/2025 06:28

He thinks your 17 year old should cook sometimes or ALL his own meals?
I cook for my 17 year old for the same reasons you do. I do encourage him to cook if I'm not around and he will if he has to but I don't think there's anything wrong with a parent cooking meals for their teenage kids!

and yet the 15 year old cooks his own food.

The setup is strange where the youngest and oldest cook separate meals for themselves and she cooks for the middle child. Then OP cooks another separate meal for herself and her partner?

And I guess it depends on how deferment the 17 year old is and how DP said it but he is right in that she is enabling him instead of working with him to build his independence. Howmany kids do we see go to university and can’t even book an egg?

EveningSpread · 14/09/2025 06:57

I think you should help your 17 year learn to be more independent. Maybe cook together!

But I think that should be between you and your son, and your boyfriend should stay out of it.

Your boyfriend sounds like a nasty, controlling, jealous, childish piece of work. Ime it will only get worse, he will damage your relationship with your children, and you should get rid of him.

FridayNighFeeling · 14/09/2025 07:02

I'm just really confused because for the most part we all eat one meal together - regardless of who cooks. Mostly I do the cooking due to logistics, but at weekends anybody may be in charge of dinner!

Leopardspota · 14/09/2025 07:22

I am a good cook and cook daily for my family, was a very basic cook when I left home for uni. To this day if I go home my mam cooks everything and when she’s at mine she cooks a lot. She’ll offer my snacks etc too. It’s a Nice way to look after someone. At 17 I didn’t do a lot of cooking at home, I can’t imagine I made myself meals as I ate with the family. I’d make toast etc. but even then if my mam was there she’d do it. 17 is still a child in many ways, but you’re his mam and want to look after him.

66babe · 14/09/2025 07:26

When my children lived at home I would cook most nights for us all , as well as them learning to cook
They would contribute in other ways like washing up , gardening , laundry

The thought of all 5 adults in the house cooking for themselves gives me shudders
Surely that’s more expensive, unnecessary additional utensils, gas , cleaning up etc ?

Woompund · 14/09/2025 07:26

Nobody taught me to cook. I liked food so I would try following recipes sometimes but I had no real basic cooking skills. Now I cook pretty well. I don't think this is a hill to die on, parenting wise.

Chiseltip · 14/09/2025 07:28

LittlePineapple · 14/09/2025 06:26

@Chiseltip Did you miss where she said he was autistic?

That's an awful thing to have written and says more about you than you probably realise.

OP - my daughter is 16 and autistic and over summer holidays there have been days she would choose to cook. However the cognitive demands of being expected to cook on top of managing school would be too much. She's bright, clever... And also autistic. It certainly doesn't make her a "brat".

I don't think many of her peers are "expected" to cook tbh although there's a mix of friends who do cook sometimes because they enjoy it.

My youngest (also autistic) has quite a restricted diet but also loves cooking. But it will be quite a specific interest and a specific thing - the interest doesn't transfer to other things (so for example it was tuna pasta bake that they made if they cooked... And that only for a while).

For both of them the expectation (or "demand" in SEND-speak) to do this would be too much.

Autism is a disability and even if people appear to be bright, clever etc they can still be working super hard to just cope with the demands of day to day life. It can be really tricky at the point of becoming an adult with increased responsibility and as we know any transition needs to be handled well this can backfire so easily.

In your case I would also say you know your children and in no way would I be taking advice from a boyfriend. Particularly one with no understanding of autism, or parenting...

And from experience it will leave lifelong scars on your relationship if you prefer your partner to your child over issues like this.

They would still be able to cook for themselves. The OP literally said it. 🙄