17 year old not cooking causes conflict

[Nickibobmoonshine]

Hi, my first time of posting on here. Just need some advice, I've had some from friends but thought I would ask here ☺️ just had a big argument with my bf of 4 years, he always seems to have an issue with how I treat my kids and I have three, 15 year old, 17 year old and 21 year old.
Now my youngest and eldest cook a lot of their own meals but my 17 is slightly autistic and a lazy moo so I cook for him, very basic food, which he could do for himself, but I really don't mind doing it and quite enjoy it since it's only really chicken in the air fryer or something because he doesn't eat healthy good meals and only beige food. My bf believes he should cook everything for himself because when he leaves home he won't be able to do it, but I know he can and I really don't mind. So he said to me 'normal parents ' would get their 17 year old to cook, so I hit the roof since my kids are very good and I've never had trouble from them and they support me. Please let me know AIBU?

If your son has autistic traits and it manifests in the cooking area then it's likely he gets overwhelmed with cooking. First off it's the choices then coordinating cooking times. Then serving it and the mess left behind.

When it clicks it's fine but if anyone interrupts then it all goes to cop. I find I need everything at the same temperature and so more complex meals become more overwhelming.

Just give him time and space to explore how it works for him. And tell the bf to butt out its not his business.

I don’t think it even matters whether your boyfriend has a point or not. They’re not his children and no one is asking him to cook for them, so he needs to back off and remember that he’s not their father or even their stepfather.

^ Completely agree with this ^

What sex is the 15 year old who is expected to cook for themselves?

I don’t think your boyfriend has the right to comment on your parenting but your 15 year old may wonder why their older sibling gets treated in a way they don’t.

I can't fathom a family where everyone cooks their own dinners. I mean occasionally we have different things but it sounds expensive, wasteful and impractical.

Show him this.

It’s none of his business. We cook for our children, and when our oldest was 24, we were still cooking for her. Now she’s living on her own and she is perfectly capable of cooking herself meals and does so every day so his logic of them not learning is deeply flawed. I think he just sounds a bit controlling to be honest.

A had a friend at university whose parents cooked during the week, bit during the weekend she (and her sister) would cook for themselves units it was a special family meal. She (and her sibling) would let mum know what to add to the shopping list. It gave them more freedom to not be back for meal times but also didn't interfere with school and homework. I thought it was a great compromise and she came to uni a pretty good cook, organised a cooking rota with the rest of us and taught some housemates how to cook.

Every far though is far too much.

Just a thought, when you do want to start introducing cooking to your son, then the ‘five ingredient books’ are quite good, or the food delivery boxes. We like the Simply Fresh boxes. You get delivered the spices/herbs/etc and recipe cards, and buy the main ingredients yourself. It’s reasonably priced. It means you’re not tied down to cooking a meal every day so food doesn’t go to waste if you happen to miss a night.

I'd tell your controlling boyfriend to back to hell off regarding your parenting or I'd bin him.

Nonsense this “came out of nowhere”

absolute nonsense

Your poor kids will continue to be forced to lived with your boyfriend

Zero chance of this happening

You are not doing him favours by cooking special meals for him. Cook a family meal for everyone most days, those not in reheat it in the microwave, eating together is important, on days you are not cooking for all, they make their own meals. At 17 there’s no excuses for only eating processed beige foods nor expecting you to cook junk.

oh and no such thing as slightly autistic, if you mean they have autistic traits but do not have a diagnosis, fair enough but those of us with autistic children who are now adults know you cannot mollycoddle or let them not do things because they are capable - my dd will only prepare a few things but she will feed us all on request (well nagging) because she is part of the family too

Oh and I still cook for them if they are home, but it’s one home cooked meal for all (with vegetarian option as both my dc are vegetarian) and everyone eats at the table no exceptions. Dsd found it odd because that wasn’t what happened when her dad was with her mum but my house my rules and dh appreciates it’s a far better way to run a house as nobody eats junk, dsd came to live with us full time at 19 and adjusted (neurodiverse)

Only spoilt brat in this scenario is a BF who doesn't want a mother to give attention to their kids

Wow, I have 3 adult dc at home - 24, 23 and 19 and I cook a family meal most nights. Older two cook occasionally when their work allows. Youngest is autistic and can’t cook (yet). But she will sometimes help me with prep, veg peeling etc.

I just don’t agree that if they don’t learn when they’re young they never will and will become lazy feckless adults. I didn’t learn to cook until I left home at 25.

YANBU

It’s your child, your decision

any man coming in moaning or complaining about what you do for your chidren?

RED FLAG

I cook every meal (pretty much) for my 17 yo, as well as my 11 yo. We eat as a family. I thought this was what parents did!

Yes she can make food for herself if I’m not there or something (or busy in some way) but the basic daily routine is I cook dinner for us all.

Seems bonkers to all be making your own separate meals!