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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 year old not cooking causes conflict

93 replies

Nickibobmoonshine · 14/09/2025 06:16

Hi, my first time of posting on here. Just need some advice, I've had some from friends but thought I would ask here ☺️ just had a big argument with my bf of 4 years, he always seems to have an issue with how I treat my kids and I have three, 15 year old, 17 year old and 21 year old.
Now my youngest and eldest cook a lot of their own meals but my 17 is slightly autistic and a lazy moo so I cook for him, very basic food, which he could do for himself, but I really don't mind doing it and quite enjoy it since it's only really chicken in the air fryer or something because he doesn't eat healthy good meals and only beige food. My bf believes he should cook everything for himself because when he leaves home he won't be able to do it, but I know he can and I really don't mind. So he said to me 'normal parents ' would get their 17 year old to cook, so I hit the roof since my kids are very good and I've never had trouble from them and they support me. Please let me know AIBU?

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 14/09/2025 07:32

Its none of his business

If you were asking me what I thought, I think your kids should cook the family meal once a week each otherwise its a strange set up, but if if works you, it works for you

I dont agree that because someone has SEN of any type, it excludes them from learning independence skills, you disempower and disable a child by doing that, the fact that life is a bit harder for them, although you imply he is mildly affected by his disability, means that you need to be more on it than you would for your children who are not ND

THisbackwithavengeance · 14/09/2025 07:35

I bet the boyfriend expects the OP to cook meals for him but begrudges her lifting a finger for her DCs. He’s nasty. I hate men like this.

RhaenysRocks · 14/09/2025 07:43

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/09/2025 06:41

I agree that what you do for your kids is your decision. I think it is ok for your BF to question what you do but I would hope he recognises that even though he can give his opinion, it is your decision.

Could it be that your BF is worried about you running around after an almost adult?

What do you mean by "slightly autistic"? He either is or isn't autistic.

Oh come on. You know exactly what she means. The language changes constantly but you must know there is a huge difference between people with ASD from relatively minor difficulties with processing and social communication to non verbal and unable to ever live independently. Don't be disengenuous.
OP your boyfriend needs to mind his own business. My teens will put something on the oven if they are home alone or I'm busy and one of them can actually "cook"" properly but if I'm home and available I do it because I'm their mum and I want to. As I did, they will figure out when I'm not there that they have to do it, they're not idiots.
My DS is 16, also on the spectrum but "slightly" and spends a lot of time alone upstairs. Cooking for him and caring for him is an interaction we both value highly. I can't engage with his other interests nor he with mine other than a couple of TV shows so its a point of contact. Your bf needs to put up or shut up.

Toomanywaterbottles · 14/09/2025 07:44

I think it’s mad if everyone in a household has to cook their own meals, no matter their age. It would be good to encourage everyone to cook for the whole family. Take turns.

2015pls · 14/09/2025 07:45

LittlePineapple · 14/09/2025 06:26

@Chiseltip Did you miss where she said he was autistic?

That's an awful thing to have written and says more about you than you probably realise.

OP - my daughter is 16 and autistic and over summer holidays there have been days she would choose to cook. However the cognitive demands of being expected to cook on top of managing school would be too much. She's bright, clever... And also autistic. It certainly doesn't make her a "brat".

I don't think many of her peers are "expected" to cook tbh although there's a mix of friends who do cook sometimes because they enjoy it.

My youngest (also autistic) has quite a restricted diet but also loves cooking. But it will be quite a specific interest and a specific thing - the interest doesn't transfer to other things (so for example it was tuna pasta bake that they made if they cooked... And that only for a while).

For both of them the expectation (or "demand" in SEND-speak) to do this would be too much.

Autism is a disability and even if people appear to be bright, clever etc they can still be working super hard to just cope with the demands of day to day life. It can be really tricky at the point of becoming an adult with increased responsibility and as we know any transition needs to be handled well this can backfire so easily.

In your case I would also say you know your children and in no way would I be taking advice from a boyfriend. Particularly one with no understanding of autism, or parenting...

And from experience it will leave lifelong scars on your relationship if you prefer your partner to your child over issues like this.

“Slightly autistic”

whatever that means

PermanentTemporary · 14/09/2025 07:47

The approved MN teenager will cook for the entire family at least once a week. I can’t say I ever managed this, and remembering my own deliciously pampered youth where my mum made every meal for me including my packed lunches until I moved out, I didn’t push it. I did encourage ds to help me cook from time to time though so that at least I knew he could make a few real basics (bolognese sauce, cheese sauce, rough idea how to read the instructions on a packet of chicken thighs etc) and also so that he had an appreciation of what daily cooking takes. Maybe get him a bit more involved but if you don’t want to stop cooking for him, I don’t think all is lost.

Katemax82 · 14/09/2025 07:48

I cook for my autistic 19 year old son! He can cook as he did a catering course and sometimes cooks a meal for everyone but normally I just cook everyone's dinner (I've 4 kids). If my husband dared suggest I didn't cook for my son just because he's 19 I would punch him, but he wouldn't as he also makes my son tea and toast if he's around at breakfast time ( not cos my son can't or won't, just to be nice as he makes it for me also)

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 14/09/2025 07:50

Your BF needs to mind his own business! They are your kids and you parent them however YOU see fit! Id lose the bf tbh!

2015pls · 14/09/2025 07:51

Boyfriend… let me guess, fairly new, your kids barely knew him, and you moved him in to their family home. Yes?

Hollietree · 14/09/2025 07:53

I think it’s very sad you are all cooking your own meals. Do you have some days each week where someone cooks a family meal for everyone and you all eat together?

Id also be interested to know whether boyfriend cooks his own meals, or whether he is happy for you to cook for him, just not your own son?

H202too · 14/09/2025 07:57

You can't be slightly ASD. It obviously affects him. Being called lazy is ignorance 101. Text book. Keep helping him, but yes encourage. Your partner sounds like a controlling joy sucker.

ShoeCanRun · 14/09/2025 08:02

Who cooks BF’s meals? And why are you not all eating together?

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/09/2025 08:03

RhaenysRocks · 14/09/2025 07:43

Oh come on. You know exactly what she means. The language changes constantly but you must know there is a huge difference between people with ASD from relatively minor difficulties with processing and social communication to non verbal and unable to ever live independently. Don't be disengenuous.
OP your boyfriend needs to mind his own business. My teens will put something on the oven if they are home alone or I'm busy and one of them can actually "cook"" properly but if I'm home and available I do it because I'm their mum and I want to. As I did, they will figure out when I'm not there that they have to do it, they're not idiots.
My DS is 16, also on the spectrum but "slightly" and spends a lot of time alone upstairs. Cooking for him and caring for him is an interaction we both value highly. I can't engage with his other interests nor he with mine other than a couple of TV shows so its a point of contact. Your bf needs to put up or shut up.

Show quote history

I don’t know if you are trying to be harsh but telling me I am disingenuous sounds very disrespectful to me.

High support needs or low support needs autism is not what I was thinking, actually. I feel like the OP would have mentioned high support needs if that had been the case.

I was wondering if the OPs DS actually is autistic or whether she means something like he has some similarities to some autistic people in that he only likes beige food or whether she means something else. I’m not sure. I think it’s best to leave the OP to
explain.

Cakeandcardio · 14/09/2025 08:20

Chiseltip · 14/09/2025 06:18

If they were hungry they would make their own food.

You are being taken advantage of by a spoilt brat.

😅😅😅

I would cook for my kids. I would not have a boyfriend telling me how I should treat them. I would cook for them for as long as they let me. But then I really love my kids

toomuchfaff · 14/09/2025 08:52

My bf believes he should cook everything for himself because when he leaves home

This is the crux... he wants the 17yr old gone. Tell him to back off, you cool for your child, its your business not his and if he doesn't like it he can always keep it to himself because its none of his business. Stand by your child. Tell the BF your children will always come first

Comedycook · 14/09/2025 08:57

I have a 17 year old...he mostly cooks for himself now but I do cook for him on weeknights after college. I think you should encourage your DS to cook for himself occasionally...maybe one or two meals a week. Mainly because it's good practice. Air fryers make this much easier...my ds loves ours and find it's so easy to make himself something.

I don't think it's your boyfriends place to be telling you this though...sounds like he resents your ds and wants to tell you how to live your life... its not great.

RhaenysRocks · 14/09/2025 09:02

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/09/2025 08:03

I don’t know if you are trying to be harsh but telling me I am disingenuous sounds very disrespectful to me.

High support needs or low support needs autism is not what I was thinking, actually. I feel like the OP would have mentioned high support needs if that had been the case.

I was wondering if the OPs DS actually is autistic or whether she means something like he has some similarities to some autistic people in that he only likes beige food or whether she means something else. I’m not sure. I think it’s best to leave the OP to
explain.

Show quote history

I don't mean to be disrespectful but a couple of people have jumped on the OPs phrasing when I think most people who know anything at all about autism would understand what she meant and it was unnecessary to leap on it. She was explaining why there might be some additional factors so we don't get the usual "my nine year old was doing the weekly shop and laundry" posts and why it more understandable that her son wouldn't be AS capable as a NT teen. Perhaps if she'd said ND instead of "slightly autistic" it would have served the same purpose.

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/09/2025 09:07

Thank you!

I’m autistic but I still think it was totally reasonable to ask. But then again because I’m autistic, I never infer anything that isn’t explicitly stated.

WonderfulSmith · 14/09/2025 09:11

DorothyStorm · 14/09/2025 06:40

Im shocked you are making your 15 year old cook his own meals.

Everyone cooking their own meals is batshit. Taking turns to cok for the family makes more sense.

Does your boyfriend cook all his own meals?

I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking this. Everyone cooking their own meals sounds like a nightmare. Having one person cook for everyone is far more efficient unless you are literally sticking ready meals in the microwave.

Luckyingame · 14/09/2025 09:12

WolfingtonBear · 14/09/2025 06:20

he always seems to have an issue with how I treat my kids

Does he now? 🤔

So many new partners and boyfriends moaning and needling about the teenagers of their partner here on MN. I’d tell him very firmly to mind his own business or I would be rethinking carefully whether I want to be in a relationship with him or not.

Exactly this.
Your "boyfriend" may piss off.

Dancingsquirrels · 14/09/2025 09:12

I would expect to cook most meals for a family living at home, with older teens able to fend for themselves when needed

I feel rather sorry for a 15 year old cooking most of their own meals, TBH

Fastingandhungry · 14/09/2025 09:14

I see he point but it’s not his place to say.

LimoncelloSpritzplease · 14/09/2025 09:20

Chiseltip · 14/09/2025 06:18

If they were hungry they would make their own food.

You are being taken advantage of by a spoilt brat.

Who do you mean is taking advantage of her, her jealous boyfriend wanting her all to himself and begrudging her doing anything for her grown up children or autistic 17 year old?

Often it’s nice as parent to still cook for grown up DC (it doesn’t last forever). My son 21 about to start work and move away. Yes he cooked perfectly well at Uni but he now appreciates my home cooking when he is at home. Yes he can do it himself but he doesn’t tidy up promptly or leave the kitchen clean and tidy to my standards so when he is at home its nice and as easy for me to cook.

ParmaVioletTea · 14/09/2025 09:27

Your boyfriend is totally out of line. YANBU

BunnyLake · 14/09/2025 09:28

No outsider tells me how to operate at home. I wouldn’t put up with a bf sticking his nose in where it’s not wanted.