To be disgusted with my DD uni accommodation, pics included?

[DumpedByText]

My DD has moved four hours away to her uni accommodation today.

We got in her room and it was filthy, there is a huge burn mark in the middle of the carpet where someone has put a hot pan down. The desk has a burnt circle so has the windowsill. There is mould all around the window that won't come off.

The toilet seat is falling off, there was a leak under the bathroom sink. Cobwebs everywhere and she has no wardrobe. It's a cupboard with a hanging rail on wheels.

The kitchen had rotten food in the fridge and freezer. The oven had thick grease as did all the cupboards. One mum had already scrubbed that by the time we got there. I've scrubbed the rest of the kitchen. Water from the sink drainer pours into the cupboard underneath to.

So am I expecting too much? What can be done, if anything about the burn marks and mould.

I've had to buy more storage as there were no shelves due to no wardrobe, the other rooms have half hanging and shelves and this is supposed to be a premium plus room!

There is no room for a wardrobe either and she doesn't want to move flats.

She's cried and cried as she wasn't fussed on going anyway so this has made it worse and she doesn't want to stay.

Can I insist they sort it, and what would you do?

It’s very unusual for a teen to get enough loan to pay accommodation though now.
If parents are paying they very much have a say - I paid £160 a week last year for dc (she chose cheapest none en-suite) for 40 weeks, her mate was in £300 a week halls 51 week contract, no way I’d have paid that.

I don't get how people think it's acceptable to have dirty, unhygienic and sub par accommodation just because someone's a student. Mould can be dangerous, a broken toilet seat is unacceptable (they're cheap enough to replace). The kitchen should have been cleaned, in fact the whole place should have been cleaned before anyone moved it.

When I went in 2003 we had cleaners coming in daily to clean the communal areas(maybe we were spoilt but we were paying a premium), we would get fined if it was a shit hole more than once. After the 2nd time it was reported to the warden.

Just because you accept that for your children or yourself doesn't mean others have to.

Why is she at uni if she dosn't want to go?

I work in a university and this is problematic I’m sorry to say. Yes she is only 18 but she has to start working things out for herself. We regularly see students have complete meltdowns when anything remotely shit happens because they have no resilience and can’t work anything out for themselves. This then severely impacts their mental health.

if she is 18 she is old enough to work out what to say in an email.

in three years time, which isn’t long at all, she will be in work and you cannot email HR every time something happens at work.

Absolutely this ⬆️ You DO expect it to be clean and habitable, YANBU OP. And it’s perfectly reasonable to help out as a parent, it’s a huge step to leave home to go to uni at that age. I’m sorry your DD is upset as she’s not fussed about going, our DS was like that but soon settled in.

Has she been asked to do an inventory? She needs to make sure all the issues are listed and reported.

I would complain about the mould and leak as well, cosmetic stuff is OK. When you're DD starts renting when she has graduated she will need to know what is and isn't acceptable, and molds and leaks need to be sorted by the person owning the place. I would be encouraging her to phone and complain, but would step in if she got fobbed off.

You do know most people don’t have that kind of money right? But good on you for letting us know you made a nice profit. Money makes money as they say.

I think take note of @Kindling1970 ’s post since they have best experience of the situation. Plus the posters who had similar experiences more recently. It’s important to differentiate between wear and tear, and maintenance issues such as the leak under the sink. Please let your daughter take this on, she really will thank you in the future. More worrying is your comment about how she didn’t really want to go, I think you are minimising this and focusing on the wrong issue.

Rug on the burn mark, flower pot or ornament on the windowsill. Her desk will soon be covered in her work, get mould spray for the window frame. Then ask for the actual bad things to be sorted - ie leaking sink. They should have had it cleaned on arrival but I don’t think your situation is uncommon at all unfortunately

God what an incredibly unhelpful attitude from university staff. Shocking.

As a parent paying a significant amount towards university accommodation for a ND kid with a clinical depression diagnosis I would absolutely hold you to account in your role.

Your post also demonstrates massive ignorance of individual capacity and capabilities.

Have you got (or recently had) your own 18yo DC?

I have DC1 who graduated last year and Dc2 who is currently a student. Dc1 is working full
time, got their own flat, pays all their bills and council tax , books holidays abroad etc. I don’t help them with anything but I would have needed to help DC1 with this at age 18. I had absolutely no involvement when age 19 DC1 was choosing a flat share with their friends. I don’t see how an 18yo straight out of school is going to know what to do.

DC2 is austistic and bas ADHD so has a lot of struggles with this kind of thing. They are graduating at the end of this academic year and can now deal with most stuff, even though they have a few extra barriers.

I moved into halls nearly 20 years ago and my experience was nothing like this. My room was clean, furniture was immaculate, there was no mould anywhere and definitely no rotten food - no burn marks on anything either.

It's NOT normal for halls to be like this. Don't let MN try and persuade you that it is.

Yes, I do get that of course, I’m older now but still don’t really have much of a handle on more ‘normal’ lives unfortunately 😅 there’s just such a huge difference between the two. I think I wanted to try and give some perspective, but it doesn’t really work here as it’s comparing apples to oranges.

Yes I have a 22 year old daughter who is very capable and independent because I made sure she was to support her mental health. Think back to being 18. Did your parents do everything for you? No. And did you survive? Yes. Anxiety is contagious and we are teaching a generation of kids that they can’t cope with life and then we all wonder why there is a young person mental health epidemic.

I actually think your post is more problematic and I say that as a parent with two ND children (one in third year and one about to start as a fresher).

At 18 they have to be able to start working things out for themselves and a parent feeding into the narrative of "how awful" rather than taking a "its fine, put a plant pot over it" stance is making things worse for their child in the long run.

University staff treat students as adults since they are over 18. They can get married, they can leave university whenever they want, they can basically make all of their own life choices. The university staff are not there to parent the students and a student who still needs parenting to the extent that the parent would hold the staff "accountable" is not ready for university. This might mean they go to university but live at home or it might mean they wait a few years until they have developed coping skills and mechanisms.

While I understand your attitude, and the accommodation sounds horrendous, the student is the one who signed the contract, whoever is the end payer, and legally that's who should deal with problems. Obviously you as her parent will be right behind her, maybe composing emails etc but the University has no obligation to deal with you.
Hope she can get it sorted out and enjoys her time at University.

Op @DumpedByText for those of us looking at uni now and worrying about the costs of acxmd could you share the uni please ?

If for some reason you are worried about sharing which uni has given your DD this sub par room and charging her thousands for it ,please look after the higher education section which has named plenty of unis who have acxmd issues including warwick , Exeter etc.
This is very helpful information to consider as we go around and make choices thank you .

My grandsons both went to Plymouth uni - both rooms were clean and well maintained, so no problems.

However, when, after a year, they moved to shared private let flats, with friends, that was a whole new ball game, trying to persuade reluctant landlords that it was their responsibility to fix certain things. 🤷‍♀️

These landlords of student lets really do try it on.

If she didn’t want to go away to uni, could she bot stayed at home and go yo at university close to it.

Glad you are putting a positive spin on it. It is certainly not a good start and if they treat the students like this, not sure what to expect down the line. Seems very disorganised and like noone cares. I hope your daughter is happy there but I will keep an eye this first term and re think if it is not working.

I know right. I worked in university up until 3 years ago and I can tell you the lack of empathy that that poster shows is not standard. Most staff show a bit of understanding especially to those who are fresh from leaving home or with added needs, and most are also trained in how to deal with neurodiversity.

I had students cry in my office, I picked up on those students who were homesick and may need a bit of guidance. I had students just come in for a chat because they wanted a friendly face.

I also got students who at the end of their degree thanked me for all my support. I still have the emails somewhere. I took pride in my job.

I actually left because of people like that poster,they stopped seeing students as individuals and thought pastoral care should stop because someone's 18.

What’s with our culture of paying and being ok that it’s in bad condition

If parents are telling their child to just put a plant pot over it are doing them a disservice. You need to tell them to take a photo before putting a plant pot on it or check that it is already noted on the inventory otherwise they may lose some of deposit for something they didn’t do.

I don’t really care tbh @user760 .

My youngest is a great kid, worked F/T for a year before leaving for uni while getting better. Quiet, very bright, ND, remains under the care of a psychiatrist for severe depression.

I really wouldn’t give a millisecond of thought to whether some university administrator with a view on building resilience thought I was being overbearing when faced with a shitty room that shattered expectations amongst both excitement of starting their chosen degree and anxiety about the unknown/leaving home in the knowledge that dirt/mould would trigger my kid.

As for @Kindling1970 ’s throwaway comment about fostering a young person’s mental health epidemic and building a resilient young woman - there by the grace of god and all that.

Hold responsible for what?

All my children have autism and adhd with severe MH journeys and support from services.

Our young people are adults. There are GDPR laws. When they sign contracts they are responsible.

One of mine dc has had a dreadful year, he has had to sort things out himself -with my support. However hard it is they have to be supported to sort things themselves otherwise they won’t develop much needed skills and will think they can’t. Yes universities happy enough to take huge fees absolutely do not do enough to help ND young people fresh from home but regardless of this they are not responsible for your child.

Trust me the above is nothing. Wait until they move into private accommodation. It’s truly dreadful and expensive.

Your ignorance re mental illnesses is clearly huge.