Keep arguing with my mum about my baby

[Rosiebun]

I want to start this by saying I know it’s likely coming from a good place, and I need to rely on my mum for childcare when I go back to work. But at the moment I am really really struggling with her.

I feel like she basically doesn’t respect what I say as a parent. She made comments while I was pregnant, basically saying she was going to do what she wanted with “her grandchild.” Whenever she comes round, she physically takes the baby from me. On more than one occasion I have said give me her back and she’s said no I’m holding her.

She doesn’t listen to me, sometimes my baby fights naps in the day and gets fussy and upset, I keep saying it’s because she’s tired and she says no she’s hungry. It’s like she knows best. I know my baby best thank you. Also, if she is sleeping or if I say she’s due a nap, she says no I’ve come round to see her she can sleep later. Or, you don’t want her to sleep through the day so she will sleep on a night (wtf ?????). I’ve had a couple of arguments with her because she keeps telling me to toughen up and put the baby down to sleep and walk away, I said she won’t go to sleep on her own she’ll just cry and she told me to just leave her. Which is ironic because when she cries, my mum is the first one rushing over saying ‘she’s asking for me’. Give me strength.

It’s all just starting to really get to me but I genuinely think she thinks she is trying to be helpful. When I’ve brought up boundaries etc in the past it hasn’t gone well and she’s got upset or it’s turned into an argument. Like I said I need to rely on her for childcare, even though if I’m fully honest I don’t really trust her, but I can’t rely on my MIL as she works full time, so my mum is my only option. Has anyone else had to deal with overbearing/undermining parents and how did you deal with it?

You don’t need to rely on her for childcare OP you need to find a nursery/childminder, put some actual boundaries in place & stick to them. Boundaries do tend to upset people, that shows they are needed, if everyone was happy & agreed with them they wouldn’t be needed in the first place.

You need to find alternative childcare. Your Dm isn’t going to respect your wishes and it’s all going to end in tears if you let her look after your DC.

Is she really your only option for childcare?

Agreed, you need a nursery.

You and your husband both need to pay for childcare, you can't leave your child with someone you do not trust.

Just have your mother as an occasional visitor, supervised.

Well you could try and have a conversation with her, preferably without your baby there and in a neutral place. Instead of telling her what she’s doing’wrong’, tell her how you feel and what would help you feel better. Emphasise what you value about her support and relationship with the baby.

However she probably won’t change very much and if you are relying on her for childcare ( when and how often?) you will have to accept that she does things differently to you. The alternative is paid for childcare and even then you don’t get to dictate what happens all day.

I am on the waiting list for a nursery but lots in our local area are full due to the rollout of the funded hours. The plan was for her to go in 3 days and my mum have her on the 4th day (I only work 4 days)
I should have a place by the time I go back to work next year, so it’s only the extra day I need my mum for. It might be worthwhile seeing if I can get her in nursery on the 4th day instead. I just know my mum will react very badly to this!

Don’t use her for childcare, sounds like she is incapable of tending to your child’s sleep needs and will neglect her if she cries.
Agree you need boundaries - you can’t negotiate with someone like this who thinks they know best.
You also need to pay a nursery or childminder in exchange for trust and safety!!

Your mum has zero respect for your status as parent. Anybody like that should have limited access to the child and certainly should not be allowed free rein unsupervied.
You have tried to challenge her but she has proven herself to be unwavering in her disrespect for your boundaries.
You absolutely must find alternative childcare provision.

That's fine, she's free to react badly, you don't need to provide her with an audience or argument.
Look up grey rock replies to people who tantrum- bland, neutral, no information given.

Who cares. Your child is your priority not your mum.

@MatildaTheCat i know she will do things differently to me and I’m fine with that, I think it’s just the complete unwillingness to listen to me and insists “well we did x y z and you turned out fine”…
despite all this I do want her to have a relationship with DD and she will be 9 months by the time I go back to work. Still a young baby though

@ButSheSaid thank you I’ll look into this!

If she wants a relationship with your child, that’s up to her to nurture and part of tha his having respect for the parent and their parenting wishes.

Are you on your own? Do you live with your Mum? How often is she with you at the moment?

She is not a good option for child care and you need to find a childminder. Organise this now and get yourself out of this. YOu cannot have her as child care if she does not respect your rules.

Time to stand up to your Mum and be firm. "Mum, I am fed up with you ignoring my rules over my child and I have arranged a child minder."

I say this as a grandma who has done lots of child care. Always the parents' rules - and each AC has different ones! - but that is the rule..

My mum.tried this. She tried to run rough shot all over me. I'm the nan etc. Nope. We stopped visiting her and used a nursery. She soon got the message when she didnt see us. 💯

Respect your own boundaries. Dont tell her your boundaries. Show her them.

She has a choice then, doesn’t she? Talk to her calmly and clearly about how you feel at the moment and be particularly clear that you are going to be asking for a 4th day at nursery unless she listens to you and stops undermining you. You should also recognise that, in some things, your mother may have a point as an experienced mother (albeit a long time ago) and as an ‘outside perspective’, so don’t dismiss her opinions out of hand (e.g. you say she’s tired not hungry, but I think I underestimated how much babies want to eat or at least suckle and that may mean she’s not always wrong. She in turn needs to recognise that she can offer advice but not take over or overrule your opinion. If you can’t find a way to balance this, definitely don’t rely on her for childcare.

@Littlejellyuk im sorry you had to go through this too. It’s strange isn’t it how having a baby can make people behave like this. You’d think as mothers themselves they’d understand and want to be as helpful as possible!

@Mischance i live with DH and DD just around the corner from my mum, who is on her own. I see her maybe once or twice a week at the moment (supervised)
she keeps saying I ‘need’ to let her have her overnight. My response is I don’t ‘need’ to do anything!
Thank you, it’s good to hear it from your perspective too. I thought at first I was just being too sensitive but the general consensus is I definitely am not!!

You could be describing my life when DD1 was born.

Hold the boundaries calmly but firmly. If you ask for your baby and she refuses, keep asking. Make it clear that you won't tolerate a refusal.

The longer you allow this to go on, the harder it will get.

I agree with all the PPs who say you need to not rely on her for childcare. I made the difficult decision to stop my parents doing the childcare as this was being used to hold power over me. It was the right decision.

It feels horrible to be in conflict but you can't have a child grow up amid all of this confusion. She needs to have the adults around her giving consistent messages.

When your mum states her opinion, say things like "Thanks. I'll bear that in mind" or "Interesting. I'll think about that" while also making your own decisions. If you have a reasonable opportunity to include her in a decision, take it but only when that works for you.

Your mum clearly loves you and your DD and she's at risk of destroying important relationships. Hopefully you can prevent that if you start holding clear and consistent boundaries with her now.

Good luck

Thank you.
I honestly think she found it hard to see me as a new mum in my own right, instead of me being her little girl, that she could just tell what to do 🤔
I wasn't a young mum either, as I was recently married and in my early 30's. 😳
But up until I met my husband, I was her placater for a very long time. I finally found my boundaries and disrupted the status quo of her behaviour when I met my husband, thank goodness.

Show people how you wish to be treated.
Show your child your boundaries in regards to your mother also.
YOU are their mother, not her. She needs to stay in her lane and behave as a loving supportive grandmother, not an overbearing mum.

There's no way that she's just trying to be helpful. She is rude andn overbearing. This is your baby, not her's. She's had her turn at parenting and now it's your turn. She sounds pretty awful to me.

I would try and find other childcare. Are there any nurseries or childminders that your baby can go to?

This

Do not rely on her for childcare. But on the other hand, do not do “grey rock” either. That’s inappropriate in this situation. You still want a relationship with your mum, and you want your DD and grandma to have a relationship too.

I would very strongly recommend that you find other childcare for that fourth day, no matter how badly your mum reacts to it.

You are also right that you do not need to let your child sleep over anywhere else.