Keep arguing with my mum about my baby

[Rosiebun]

I want to start this by saying I know it’s likely coming from a good place, and I need to rely on my mum for childcare when I go back to work. But at the moment I am really really struggling with her.

I feel like she basically doesn’t respect what I say as a parent. She made comments while I was pregnant, basically saying she was going to do what she wanted with “her grandchild.” Whenever she comes round, she physically takes the baby from me. On more than one occasion I have said give me her back and she’s said no I’m holding her.

She doesn’t listen to me, sometimes my baby fights naps in the day and gets fussy and upset, I keep saying it’s because she’s tired and she says no she’s hungry. It’s like she knows best. I know my baby best thank you. Also, if she is sleeping or if I say she’s due a nap, she says no I’ve come round to see her she can sleep later. Or, you don’t want her to sleep through the day so she will sleep on a night (wtf ?????). I’ve had a couple of arguments with her because she keeps telling me to toughen up and put the baby down to sleep and walk away, I said she won’t go to sleep on her own she’ll just cry and she told me to just leave her. Which is ironic because when she cries, my mum is the first one rushing over saying ‘she’s asking for me’. Give me strength.

It’s all just starting to really get to me but I genuinely think she thinks she is trying to be helpful. When I’ve brought up boundaries etc in the past it hasn’t gone well and she’s got upset or it’s turned into an argument. Like I said I need to rely on her for childcare, even though if I’m fully honest I don’t really trust her, but I can’t rely on my MIL as she works full time, so my mum is my only option. Has anyone else had to deal with overbearing/undermining parents and how did you deal with it?

Not inappropriate, people who choose to behave badly and be domineering and demand unreasonable things should not be indulged or get any information they can tantrum over.

Oh god, do not use her for childcare op. She has no respect for you or your opinions, it’s a recipe for disaster. If she’s pissed off, so what, she brought it on herself. This is your baby, not hers!

I have 7 GC from 3 DDs, so I was dealing with 3 sets of rules!! I think I mostly get it right!

You are of course right - your Mum does not "need" to have your baby overnight. The only time I have done overnighters was when my AC needed me to.

I am widowed and live alone and can understand a bit how your Mum feels. Having the children has been a joy. But I know how I would have felt if my mum had been pushy like this - I would have hopped over the horizon pdq! Your mum needs to back off a bit.

Is this her first GC? I think you need to start as you mean to go on. Can you have a think about how best to word your conversation with her? e.g. "I know you are excited about your new GC and love her dearly, but I am finding it very hard that you are trying to take over whenever we are together and it makes me wary of leaving her with you when I am at work as I do not think you will do things the way we wish. And that is important to us. I am beginning to wonder if it might be best if we found a childminder. I want you to have a relationship with your GD, but as things stand I feel uncomfortable with the way things are going."

What you say to her will depend partly on your financial situation and whether you can afford a child minder.

Better to pay for the fourth day than leave your child with your mother who will never respect your parenting style. Otherwise you’ll have no relationship with your mother at all. Tell her asap / she’ll either get over it or she won’t. That’s her choice

She sounds like a nightmare, good luck getting that extra nursery day, because sounds like she'll go to town with her controlling behaviour once she has you out of the house and depending on her.

@Rosiebun I'd also recommend getting a place at nursery for the 4 days. It will be much easier.

Just tell your mum that due to the funding, they were giving priority to those who wanted 4 days rather than 3 days.

Your mum would drive me up the wall! My MIL used to do that, just take DS1 away when I made it clear that I wanted to feed him (boobs bursting!). I'd ask her not to do something and she'd just do it anyway. Mostly feeding my kids junk food just before a meal, or demanding to take all three of them out for the day to somewhere she'd never be able to keep them safe due to her medical issues, then would sulk for weeks when DH and I said no!

@MyZippyPlayer that’s a really good idea actually, I didn’t think to say something like that. I’m too busy trying to keep the peace lol

yeah its really hard isn’t. Like I said I do want to continue to have a relationship with her / her to have a relationship with DD but it makes it really hard when she blatantly undermines me and doesn’t respect me as a parent.

I agree. You start to lose respect for someone when they constantly undermine you. You need childcare you can trust.

My MIL also wanted to do childcare, but there is no way she would have coped physically, and no way she would have stuck to my style of parenting, so we opted for nursery. DS loved nursery and it was good he got to socialise with other kids so much.

Sweeten the blow and say she can have the odd Saturday afternoon babysitting, then you can have a couple of hours to yourself once or twice a month.

I would find this completely intolerable and would not be using her for childcare.

Can you take a break from seeing her for a week or 2

i wouldn’t cope either and I didn’t act that way when I became a grandma I just did as I was told as he’s not my baby he’s my grandson

whether she’s being helpful in her eyes or not she’s upsetting you

look for a child minder or nursery and see if you are entitled to any funding

You need to have a reasonable conversation with her before you go back to work, not criticising, but her making it clear how you prefer your child to be looked after.
’we go to her as soon as she cries and would be looking for you to do the same if she’s with you’.
‘she takes a two hour nap after lunch and will need to do the same with you, she absolutely does not sleep better at night when she hasn’t napped’.

Then you can judge from her reaction whether she is likely to follow your wishes. If not, then I wouldn’t be relying on her for any childcare.
How she behaves between now and when you go back to work is key. Be firm and strong with your boundaries.

I voted YABU.
Not because of your requests to your mum, but because of your acceptance.
Read your post again.
"I need her for childcare even though I don't fully trust her."
Sorry WHAT!?
How can you think of leaving your most precious thing in the whole world with someone you don't trust!?
There are options for paid childcare, you know. No, they are not cheap, but can you put a price on your child's safety, really?

Whenever she comes round, she physically takes the baby from me.

So hold the baby very firmly and say loudly "No, she's fine where she is". I assume she's not going to get into a tug of war with you.

You need to find alternative childcare.

Bizarre that you want to leave your child with someone you don’t trust because it’s free, as opposed to finding someone you do and paying for it.

Get a childminder if you don't want to use a nursery but DO NOT USE YOUR MOTHER because she'll completely sideline you as a parent.

I have a family member who is like this. It can be extremely stressful and upsetting when they have my children - especially when they were smaller. Their routine would be disrupted, they'd be cranky or awful when I returned or the following morning, and often I would plan things meticulously around their nap to allow myself some really essential time to myself for my own sanity, and said person would have woken them or given them a shorter nap and I'd be left pissed off, overwhelmed and without a break. It was harder work having them babysit than it was to just have the kids myself.
You DO need firm boundaries, and it sounds like she's already walked all over them.
We only have family babysitting for date nights or non essential things now, and it works well.

Get the 4th day in nursery. Tell her exactly why - you can't trust her as she's constantly overstepping your clear boundaries, and it's disrupting your DC. Use her only for the odd night off. If she can build up trust then maybe you'll consider dropping the nursery day.

YOU'RE the parent. YOU know best. It's not her child and what you say goes. You need to do what's best for you and you child, not pander to your mum's feelings.

Good luck!

I never understand these grandmothers who are desperate to have babies to stay overnight. I absolutely adore my grandchildren and enjoy looking after them, but there is no way I would have wanted any of them overnight as babies. I value my sleep, and I would feel awful if the baby woke up in the night desperate for their mum and utterly miserable because she wasn't around.

NRTFT BUT: nip this in the bud now. If you can find a childminder or nursery for the fourth day by the time you go back to work do so.

And lessen the contact now. If she has a key, change your lock.

Why am I so strongly against your DM minding your DD? My own experience. My DM was like yours - I ‘didn’t know how to care for a baby’; she ‘knew best’. The final straw for us was when I let myself in early and heard DM saying ‘come to mummy’ to my DD - turned out she’d been calling herself mummy and me ‘Aunty AnonymousCatLady3’

You don’t want to end up in that situation but it sounds like she has the boundaries blurred already - unfortunately strong action is the only way to sort it, and early. Hopefully your DH will support you in this.

Also - you work 4 days; would you be able to work ‘condensed’ hours so that you fit all the hours across 3 days? That would eliminate the need for her to cover the day if you can’t get a childcare place.

Good luck; I hope you manage to get her under control & the childcare sorted.

Neither do I. My mother is wonderful in every way, loves it when we come to stay and adores my children, but she’s never once asked to have them overnight for a sleepover - what on earth for?!

Any time your mother says 'I did xand you turned out alright' you should say 'Did I though?' and be prepared for the meltdown.

I wouldn’t use her for childcare, her behaviour will escalate.

Exactly - the only reason to have your baby grandchild overnight is to help your child if they are struggling with sleep deprivation and you can offer them the chance for an unbroken night's sleep. My mil did this for me once my youngest was 13 months old, as he still hasn't slept through a night (not due to lack of routine/ knowing what I was doing as my older two were sleeping well by that age and I was doing the same thing). I was grateful for the night's sleep and she had him overnight once every eight weeks or so after the first time, but if she'd asked for "a sleepover" for some other reason I'd have felt rather differently, especially if he'd still been tiny (and exclusively breastfeeding!). I wouldn't have wanted to leave any of mine when they were under a year old except if I or one of their siblings had a medical emergency.

I’m afraid you can’t have it all ways. She’s happy to provide you (assuming free) childcare, you’ll have to accept she’ll do it her way. Not sure she needs supervision as suggested by one poster, as she clearly loves her grandchild 🙂

I think its very important for you to set your "I want to keep a relationship with my mother" into context. I mean how far will you go away from your own needs, and your child's, and your mothering decisions to achieve this? You are already saying that you don't trust her and listing some worrying behaviours. maybe that's the way to approach it with her? "Mum I really want you to have a relationship with me and with your GC but I won't be able to do that if I don't feel I can trust you" Yes its harsh but it shouldn't be your problem, it should be hers.

Surely if you put her into nursery or a childminder they will have their own rules that might be different to your own too?