Keep arguing with my mum about my baby

[Rosiebun]

I want to start this by saying I know it’s likely coming from a good place, and I need to rely on my mum for childcare when I go back to work. But at the moment I am really really struggling with her.

I feel like she basically doesn’t respect what I say as a parent. She made comments while I was pregnant, basically saying she was going to do what she wanted with “her grandchild.” Whenever she comes round, she physically takes the baby from me. On more than one occasion I have said give me her back and she’s said no I’m holding her.

She doesn’t listen to me, sometimes my baby fights naps in the day and gets fussy and upset, I keep saying it’s because she’s tired and she says no she’s hungry. It’s like she knows best. I know my baby best thank you. Also, if she is sleeping or if I say she’s due a nap, she says no I’ve come round to see her she can sleep later. Or, you don’t want her to sleep through the day so she will sleep on a night (wtf ?????). I’ve had a couple of arguments with her because she keeps telling me to toughen up and put the baby down to sleep and walk away, I said she won’t go to sleep on her own she’ll just cry and she told me to just leave her. Which is ironic because when she cries, my mum is the first one rushing over saying ‘she’s asking for me’. Give me strength.

It’s all just starting to really get to me but I genuinely think she thinks she is trying to be helpful. When I’ve brought up boundaries etc in the past it hasn’t gone well and she’s got upset or it’s turned into an argument. Like I said I need to rely on her for childcare, even though if I’m fully honest I don’t really trust her, but I can’t rely on my MIL as she works full time, so my mum is my only option. Has anyone else had to deal with overbearing/undermining parents and how did you deal with it?

“I just know my mum will react very badly to this!” Don’t tell her.

Next time she takes your child, you just say exactly what you’ve told us she says to you, & keep tight hold.

I can’t believe some G’parents here who seem to think they know all? Times have changed!

Maybe controversial opinion, but I strongly feel a new baby is not a "do over" baby for the grandparent. While you obviously want them to have a nice relationship, your mother (and MILs) roles are now actually to support YOU in your parenting. Not to just have another go at doing things their way. Your Mum sounds quite disrespectful and boundary stomping (my MIL also did the "refusing to give the crying baby back" thing and it really really upset me at the time, so I understand how it feels).

I think a period of adjustment is quite common with the first grandkid - everyone has shifted up a generation, your parents maybe still see you in the "child" role when in fact you are the parent and you call the shots now. Have confidence in yourself, you actually do hold all the power here.

I don't think I'd be relying on her to do childcare. The trust and healthy, mutual respect just isn't there. I've also never left my child with my MIL for the same reason (and also they're far away so it isn't practical). It's one thing understanding that other people may do things a little differently when looking after your kid (which is fine, within certain boundaries e.g. where safety guidance has changed), but it's another feeling like your wishes and feelings are just being stomped over. Especially when it also impacts negatively on your child.

Thank you for everyone’s responses. I don’t want to get into a debate about parenting etc but the reason we were using my mum for childcare for the 4th day wasn’t because we didn’t want to pay for a nursery, my mum offered while I was pregnant (before she started with this weird behaviour) and we accepted as we were grateful for the help and also were struggling to find a nursery for the full 4 days due to lots in our area being oversubscribed due to the funded hours. I already do condensed hours and work 5 days worth of hours into 4 days.
When I say I don’t trust my mum, I know she would never do anything to hurt DD or anything like that. It’s more that I don’t trust she wouldn’t follow our routine and completely dismisses what I say, thinking she knows best. I know she will do things differently (as will nursery) and I don’t mind that to some extent. I just don’t think it’s fair to allow her to miss a nap because she wants to spend time with her, but she’s not the one who then has to deal with a cranky baby, I am. And i find it odd myself that she keeps asking to have DD overnight for a sleepover, especially as there’s nowhere for her to sleep at her house, she asked me if I could dismantle our cot and take it round to her house?!??? Totally bizarre.
I genuinely do think my mum thinks she is being helpful, which is why I do think she will be upset. But I know I need to nip it in the bud now, so I will be requesting the 4th day at nursery and I’ll attempt to speak to her about it, I just don’t think it will go well but it’s not really my problem anymore.
also in response to someone saying about a tug of war - it’s not quite that level but basically she will just come in (yes she has a key) and go to scoop the baby out my arms. I’ve said no or pulled away and she’s just continued to do it so I’ve given in because I don’t want to get into an argument in front of DD. however , I know I’m letting her walk all over me by doing this, which is why I feel like something needs to change else it will just get worse. I think my mum still sees me as a kid myself whom she can just undermine but I’m 34 for goodness sake!

This is so similar to when my daughter was born. She was the first grandchild on both sides so everyone was very overbearing, my parents badgered me for sleepovers, tried waking my baby up everytime they seen her and sulked when I said leave her sleep! Constantly asking for “chats” that my cousin lets her baby sleep at nanas every week etc…. I’m not my cousin! Always undermining me because they’ve done it before…. 20 odd years ago from my parents and in laws.
You just have to lay down the law and say what’s what and if they don’t follow simple rules of today’s day and age, they’re not responsible. In the end i sorted my shifts out so they worked around school/nursery times so I would never have to rely on any of them.
My brother has a baby now and I see the patterns going for him.
They gave in to demands when I was a baby to their parents and don’t understand push back from this generation. It’s not a toy to do what you want it’s someone’s child!

It doesn't matter how your mum reacts. I don't think you'll be able to work effectively knowing your mum has no intention of following your rules for your child. They sound like quite big ones too. Just don't do it!!

Sorry, that was a cash the cheque moment. Should have read all your posts. Best of luck. Sounds like you're in a tough spot

Sorry, that was a cash the cheque moment. Should have read all your posts. Best of luck. Sounds like you're in a tough spot

First post is absolutely spot on.

@Rosiebun find childcare and pay for it.

This situation with your mum will end in tears and they won’t be from the baby only.

Trust your gut though really. If I could go back in time to that vulnerable new mum who just wanted people to HELP and not play mummy and daddy and ignore me, I would just tell them to deal with it and stop being so bloody selfish!! I had my mam literally move my hands off the pram handles so she could push and for some reason I just let her and mil come and take the baby to give me a break. I didn’t need one!

Change your locks!

It's hard for people to remember how stressful it is with babies. I remember my mum making me feel like i was being so uptight by saying 'baby needs to be napping by 1pm' or whatever....but it takes so long to establish a good routine and it is so helpful to getting sleep yourself. i remember my mum not bothering put the baby down for a nap at all when she would look after her...and she was so shocked at me being annoyed but all i thought was "i will not sleep tonight" because a tired baby is an angry baby at night. the less the sleep during the day - the more the wake at night.

Don't expect her to understand. But you need to sit down with her and explain - that this is the most important thing in the world to you and you want to get it right, you need a happy/well-slept baby (especially when you're trying to work) and you know when the baby needs to nap etc and you'd really really be appreciate if she could try to follow it too so the baby has consistency, of course not to the letter - but that if it can be as consistent as possible - that would make you so happy. and then see what she says. if she tells you to get lost - then honesty the only option you have is to not have her for childcare....baby in nursery 3 days a week, then maybe you could WFH on the 4th day with baby at home and see if you could get some home help - a babysitter with baby experience how can just be there during the day but you can still do bits and bobs...?

@NorthernMam20 oh my god, my mum has done this too with the pram! I don’t know why I let her do it, I think I was just so taken aback. I need to be firm now but I think when you’re a new mum, you’re just so vulnerable and overwhelmed you’re not really thinking clearly. I’m sorry you had to go through this too.

Your mum is bang out of order. It’s your child so it’s your rules. BUT you could fall out big time if you refuse to let her have DD on her one day a week.
It sounds as if your mum really loves your daughter. My advice would be - insist on doing it your way while in your house (please, DM, Im trying to establish my own routines with my baby so I would appreciate you letting me do this) When she has the baby on her one day a week then let her crack on. She loves your daughter and she managed to bring you up so relax. Also, there will be times when you need her I.e you are sick or baby is sick. Your daughter is lucky to have a hands on granny even if she is too enthusiastic and they will forge a lovely, close bond.

My mum was exactly the same with all of my children - her favourite phrase was "ill just do it when you aren't here". I ended up having a breakdown because of how she was - it was like she saw me as a surrogate and they were her kids. It caused trouble in my marriage and she didn't care. I had a baby with my second husband and she was never left alone with her and kept her at arms length yet she was still over bearing and tried to undermine me all the time. My kids are grown up now and I am still affected by how horrible she was to me. I would strongly advise you to find alternative childcare and never leave her alone with your baby - she will just get worse.

This is really triggering for me, because my mother demolished the relationship between me and my daughter from the moment she was born.
26 years later theres no relationship left between me and my child, whilst my mother has a 'shrine' to her in her home.
I dont speak to mother either.

I am so mentally damaged from it all.

Dont let this be you.

My mum is also very overbearing. She had me when she was 21 and left me with my grandparents when I was 3 months old. She visited at the weekends. I don't think we lived together until I was 6.

I think she was expecting me to be desperate for help. She also kept wanting to take the baby for a walk, take the baby for a sleepover... Any excuse to take baby away from me. This made me feel VERY uncomfortable because WHY do you want to separate us so badly?!

She was also full of outdated advice that I chose not to take. Also a fan of "ignore his crying he will fall asleep when he realises he can't manipulate you" 😬 She was extremely offended when I didn't want to have her move in with us for 6 (!) months to "help".

She wanted to do childcare for us instead of a nursery and struggled to hide her disappointment when I told her DC was settling in well. I believe she hoped he would hate it and she'd get to swoop in.

She kept slipping up and referring to herself as "mummy" and DC as "my son" so I do think there was an element of getting another go at parenthood in her mind, regardless of how conscious she was of this.

I also get pummeled with stories of various people who isn't differently and "let" the grandparents do this, that and the other. Not my problem. Not my life.

What you will realise is that she's unlikely to cut you off if she doesn't get her own way. Stick to your boundaries!

Good luck OP.

Do not reply her on her childcare. It will mean you feel you have to let her get away with things because you don't want to upset her, as she will will hold childcare. Don't give her that power.
Put her in nursery for the full 4 days, maybe let her pick her up early one of the days, if you want.
I had very similar and it made me feel sick. You need to be extremely firm or she'll keep walking all over you. You know what's best for your baby, not her.
If your mum has a key, does she just let herself in?! If so, stop that right now. She can knock and wait, the key is for emergencies.

So confused about the trusting part! She raised you, no? Unless you had a troubled childhood because of her, I don’t see the problem of trust. As for childcare, aside for the waiting lists (which will be temporary until you get a spot, you can get a childminder in the meantime. Also, why put her in for only 3 days and not 4, so you don’t ask for help. Looks like you just want free childcare tbh and everything else is an excuse.

I don’t think my in laws will respect my wishes when it comes to looking after my little boy - mainly around food and sleep - so they don’t have him, he goes to nursery. If you’ve already had conversations and nothings changed then I think you have to accept she isn’t going to change and either put up with it or choose another childcare option. My mum is amazing, she checks everything with me and never oversteps but my in laws very much have a “grandparents house, grandparents rules” mentality. Whilst I think I will be ok with that when my little boy is older, I currently think he’s too young (20 months) and I want him sticking to his routine and eating healthy food.

I understand the trust part - my in-laws are great but I don’t fully trust them to have my child for any length of time. They very much have the attitude of “I raised three children, I know what I’m doing” but they raised their children over 30 years ago and don’t want to accept things have changed since then - for example my MIL wanted to give my little boy whole grapes the other day, and thought it was ridiculous that I wanted to cut them. I think if I left him with them, they wouldn’t follow my wishes when it comes to things like that/ screen time/ rear facing in the car etc - which is why I do pay for childcare and just see them at the weekend when I can be there too!

This is why I didn't have kids.

I'm the only girl and my mum always said she wished I had children because she could be more hands-on with my kids than my DBs'. I saw her threaten my 4 year old niece with a smack if she didn't get out of the car (she was playing a silly game but needed to get out), and I was shocked she would even threaten it. There are better ways to manage behaviour.

It's sad but in the end it was for the best. I'm still struggling with how she behaves towards me.

Fuck her! Do what's best for your baby!!!
Why are people so worried about offending people but not putting the needs of their own baby first?
She sounds vile and controlling. Just the kind of person you need helping bring up your baby. If you think its bad now, imagine what it'll be like if your baby develops dietary needs etc that your mum doesn't agree with etc

I handed full time child care across to my mother when my child was a new born. No choice in those days as no maternity leave. My mother did a better job than I could have done using methods from the 1950s. My child was loved, entertained, had a strict routine and between my parents they gave it a so much attention and care, which it would never have got in a nursery with young girls barely out of school who have no interest in the child's welfare. I can never thank them enough but they are no longer with us.

She is not trying to be helpful. She is trying to be controlling.

Your mother has a history of ignoring boundaries, being possessive, disregarding your wishes as a parent, and doing as she pleases. You have also put her in a place of even more power by then not only asking her for childcare but RELYING on her for it.

You are being unreasonable for tolerating this and putting yourself in this position.

My mother was like this. I could write an entire book on how much worse it got as my child grew older.

If you do not set up alternative childcare, you can only expect this situation to get much, much, much worse. I would not allow your mother unsupervised interaction not only because you can't trust her to follow your rules as a parent, but because she has overstepped her role in your child's life and I can promise you from first hand experience, it will only escalate.

Put it this way, your mother is already doing all of this....and you are going to let her spend nearly all of your daughter's waking hours with her?

Give this some thought too: You say you want to keep the peace. Does your mother ever worrying about keeping the peace with you?

Honestly OP your mother is unhinged and nasty.

I would limit time with her.
I wouldn't use her for childcare under any circumstances and I would make noises about moving further away.

Stop humouring her.
Her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I would be telling her you need space.
She is not your childs mother.
She doesn't get a say.
She doesn't get over nights.

This is not normal behaviour at all.
Stop tolerating it.