Keep arguing with my mum about my baby

[Rosiebun]

I want to start this by saying I know it’s likely coming from a good place, and I need to rely on my mum for childcare when I go back to work. But at the moment I am really really struggling with her.

I feel like she basically doesn’t respect what I say as a parent. She made comments while I was pregnant, basically saying she was going to do what she wanted with “her grandchild.” Whenever she comes round, she physically takes the baby from me. On more than one occasion I have said give me her back and she’s said no I’m holding her.

She doesn’t listen to me, sometimes my baby fights naps in the day and gets fussy and upset, I keep saying it’s because she’s tired and she says no she’s hungry. It’s like she knows best. I know my baby best thank you. Also, if she is sleeping or if I say she’s due a nap, she says no I’ve come round to see her she can sleep later. Or, you don’t want her to sleep through the day so she will sleep on a night (wtf ?????). I’ve had a couple of arguments with her because she keeps telling me to toughen up and put the baby down to sleep and walk away, I said she won’t go to sleep on her own she’ll just cry and she told me to just leave her. Which is ironic because when she cries, my mum is the first one rushing over saying ‘she’s asking for me’. Give me strength.

It’s all just starting to really get to me but I genuinely think she thinks she is trying to be helpful. When I’ve brought up boundaries etc in the past it hasn’t gone well and she’s got upset or it’s turned into an argument. Like I said I need to rely on her for childcare, even though if I’m fully honest I don’t really trust her, but I can’t rely on my MIL as she works full time, so my mum is my only option. Has anyone else had to deal with overbearing/undermining parents and how did you deal with it?

@MyLittleNest yeah you’re right, she doesn’t try and keep the peace with me. I’m disappointed that I’ve allowed it to go on for so long but I honestly thought she was trying to help, until little things started adding up and not sitting right with me. When I’ve tried to talk about things with her in the past (baby related and also not baby related) it’s usually turned out in her getting upset and making out like I’m an awful person. Then I’ve felt guilty and like I’m overreacting, hence it’s just continued. I know I’ve been a pushover, but I absolutely do not want my daughter to end up being a pushover like me! So I need to be firm and set a good example!

My parents raised four children. We all survived. They left me in charge of my 6, 4 and 2 year old siblings outside in a very large garden with a very large unfenced pond while they were in the house with the doors closed regularly (every day after school while my mum cooked unless it was tipping it down, and longer at weekends) from the age of nine and fully expected me to be responsible.
They left my youngest brother in the garage in his pram overnight because he was a very bad sleeper and "we all needed our sleep". My mother not only doesn't deny this (I actively remember it as I was seven) but she advised me to do the same with my youngest and said it is a non issue as long as the garage is attached to the house and there isn't a car kept in there!

When they looked after my nephews the youngest had to be rescued from the pond by the gardener, when they did exactly the same thing and expected the FIVE year old to watch his two year old brother. They never apologised to my sister nor really properly acknowledged the gardener's life saving help or what happened at all. Initially (presumably out of embarrassment, to give them the benefit of the doubt) they recounted what happened purely through the lense of trying to focus blame on my older nephew for not watching his brother, not calling for help, and my father even tried to imply he might have deliberately tried to drown his brother, on the basis that he hadn't gone into the house to fetch help! After that they down played the incident and decided to rewrite history and say he'd never been in any real danger because the gardener was "right there". My youngest nephew is very lucky indeed that my parents' gardener was there by coincidence - they hadn't asked him to watch the children and it definitely wasn't his job (he's only "their" gardener in the sense he does two hours gardening for them weekly).

Even before that I once phoned my mother and she'd been chatting for ten minutes and then said she's got to go because she'd left baby nephew in the high chair finishing his lunch and she's in the garden "quickly" picking some herbs.

My parents are very "respectable" and had professional jobs. I only once left my eldest with them for two hours when he was a baby and came home to find them eating takeaway and him upstairs purple in the face and soaked in sweat from screaming for an extended time. That was the first and last time. My children are grown up and nearly grown up now.

Sometimes "We raised [x number of] children and you all survived" deserves the answer I bite back, which would be "more by luck than judgement".

Keep reminding yourself:

I am the mother.
This is OUR baby.
We decide, we choose.

Your world has shifted and she's finding it hard to accept, to step back and no longer be the authority.

Yes, she was a mother longer than you've been. But some of her attitudes and ways may be outdated. And they may have suited her - but they don't suit you or your baby.

Keep up the push for getting an independent nursery place. Stress the value of nursery as a way to help her socialise with other children as she gets older, get used to adults other than family as part of her world. There's a lot online about the value. Be prepared for objections and ridicule from mum - it's in her interests to undermine the value of nursery. Have your statements ready and repeat them.

We believe it's valuable for her to get used to other children and adults at nursery before she starts infants school, so that's what we'll be doing going forward.

As I say ... (And repeat).

Wearing a baby sling when you come to the door makes it harder for her to take the baby from you.

You may have to start parenting your mother. Good practice, because you'll need resolve and firmness as a mum!

Lots of people on here in areas where they obviously have access to childcare, I didn’t either and have relied on my DM.

The thing is, I was really precious until my DD became a toddler. The first year is crazy with all the information flying at you and a baby you don’t understand.

it was tricky at first but now I just respect I’ve had a huge favour and pick my battles with things in childcare with mine. Once they start walking, you genuinely become less precious.

You’re in a classic war that most mothers and DDs go through when the DD isn’t the baby anymore and has her own baby.

Try and talk gently to your mum but do also remember they’ve done it all before and there may be some wisdom there. I had to keep reminding myself of this everytime I was raging my first year of having mine.

It’s also far nicer for kids to be with their grandparents (if it’s a healthy village). My child is thriving with her grandparents and I feel so blessed after worrying my head for a year before my return to work. Some say they need to socialise and are very pro nursery - but my DM goes to toddler groups and does all sorts with my DD. It’s been lovely to watch.

Honestly in these times - don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. My area has waiting lists for years!

you need to be really honest with her. Sorry I know it will upset you but seeing how you behave with me with the baby, I feel you should not stay with her as you are not respecting me, you want to do what you want with the baby, do not listen to me and this is causing me stress and won’t be good in the long term for the baby. You can see them in the weekends but I feel on a every day basis I’d rather her to go to nursery where they will follow her routine and my instructions about sleeping and eating and they won’t undermine me.

The last bit especially! Tell her this and if she wants to have a relationship with you/your child, remind her of this until it sinks in. Not giving you back your baby? You TAKE the baby, you never ask more than once and if she can’t do what you say, be brutal and show her the door.

Saying you don't trust your mother but also saying despite that you have to leave your child with her is ridiculous. Don't leave your child in the care of anyone you don't trust, that's just irresponsible, doesn't matter what you need to do or where you need to be, your child's safety and wellbeing have to come first.

So you have a baby but also an older DD? So now is the perfect time for your Mum to spend more time with her eldest GDD then surely? A baby absolutely doesn't need to go to sleepovers to grandparents homes unless the parents want a break/are away for the night. It won't benefit a baby at all as they just want their parents at that age. Why are some grandparents absolutely obsessed with babies? My PIL were the same 🙄

My mum does this a lot to me too

Whenever she comes round, she physically takes the baby from me. On more than one occasion I have said give me her back and she’s said no I’m holding her.

she will just come in (yes she has a key) and go to scoop the baby out my arms. I’ve said no or pulled away and she’s just continued to do it so I’ve given in because I don’t want to get into an argument in front of DD.

This is absolutely, completely unacceptable.
How DARE she refuse to give you your baby back.

You need to stop 'giving in'. Hold onto the baby. If DM tugs at her, say loudly and sharply "stop it, you are hurting the baby", and don't let go of baby.
You need to stop being afraid of an argument. Let it descend into a furious row if you have to (it won't do the baby any harm to hear this as a one-off).
You MUST stand up to her.

Always have your door on the lock/bolt when she's coming round. That way she will always have to ring the doorbell to be admitted and can't just let herself in.

This starts to reinforce that this is YOUR home, your space, and you decide.

If she complains or mocks, stress the importance of security, especially when you're home alone with the baby. Stick to it.

If you can, get that sling so she just can't take your baby off you.

You would then need to make the decision, give the permission to hand her the baby. Or not. Not just now; she's sleeping or she was anxious earlier and she's calmer now, so I'll keep her where she's comfortable.

And practice taking her back. It's time for her feed.

Reference what the gp, the midwife, the health visitor etc advised you to do ald stress that you're following professional current advice.

So many women go weird around other people's babies. I guess it's a time of adjustment for everyone, and you might as well start as you mean to go on.

First post nails it.

How is this relevant to OP's situation?

Has your mum always been like this with you before your little one arrived? I think you already know there are boundary and control issues.
You are the adult and this is your family - she has had her family. Are you able to stand up to her?
this overbearing behaviour is not normal. Doting on a grandchild is but disrespecting her own daughter isn’t.

I dealt with this too. Not just my mum but my aunt too. The relationship between me and aunt has never been the same since. I guess she thought I was ungrateful by not accepting her incessant opinions being forced on me and my baby.
Can't you find a nursery instead of depending on your mum for childcare?

I think it depends how you deal with her. I heard someone say "you don't have to show up to every argument you're invited to". I'd be just letting her spout her nonsense and ignoring it. You go to put her to sleep "oh you should leave her in the cot", just smile and grey rock. You say "she's tired" and mum goes "no she's not, she's hungry" just smile and grey rock. Don't fight back, don't listen, don't say anything. Eventually she'll either get annoyed with you for ignoring her, in which case it's just a matter of saying, this is my child and I'm raising her how I want OR she'll get the message you're not interested in her advice.
I'm not saying she's not the one in the wrong, she is, but you're letting her pull your strings. You can't control the way she thinks or what she says, so don't try. You can only control your behaviour and what you say/do. So you don't need to communicate anything to her, or respond, just go about the business of raising your daughter. I'd also definitely aim for the 4th day in nursery if you can.

‘Mum, I love you, and I want to believe that you’re behaving like this out of some misguided attempt to help me, but you’ve had your time as a mother. This is my time and I love this child so much that I would cut you off without a second’s hesitation if I thought you were interfering in what I decide is best for my child, so I suggest you consider your behaviour very, very carefully from now on, because I’m a millimetre away from enrolling her in nursery for the four days when I go back to work. I’m not expecting any huge apologies but I want to make it very clear that I’m going to enjoy every second I have with DD and that includes refusing to prioritise you and any upset you might feel at me saying this, so if you feel unable to move forwards, then it’s probably best to keep our distance until you feel able to’.

And then do everything you can to get your DD in childcare for that fourth day. This is not normal grandmotherly behaviour. She loves her; that’s great, but she doesn’t get another chance to be ‘mum’. Her time has gone.

I had the same issue with my mum, constant opinions undermining and overstepping. I put ds into nursery full time and just said it was to give him more time around other kids for his development. It's significantly more expensive for me but mentally I feel so much better about it.

At the end of the day op, she's had no problem with railroading and undermining you and hasn't given a toss about your feelings to date so quite frankly she will need to suck it up as actions have natural consequences. You don't get to trample other people's boundaries and not expect them to react. If she can't treat the parent with respect then she doesn't get free access to the child. I wouldn't have her doing overnights personally if you say you can't trust her and if she's unlikely to react to your child crying at night or adhere to safe sleep guidance. Obviously some babies do sleep through the night but that's not the norm and she's expecting your child to do something that's not developmentally normal for them.

Oo @Rosiebun im so sorry you’re going through this. There’s a few things that is just classic “we didn’t do this in our day” which you can eye roll and move on from and then there’s not giving your baby back to you when you clearly want them or insisting they be woken up because she’s come round to see her - that’s just not ok. Luckily I didn’t have to deal with this with my mum who was super supportive but did have similar from MIL. It’s so hard to advocate for yourself when you’re tired and figuring things out for yourself and oftentimes these things come out when you’re not expecting them and take you by surprise.

I think you need to worry less about offending your mum and speak up for yourself. If you don’t you will end up resenting her and eventually she will end up being offended. I would sit her down and be honest.

Say you don’t want an argument but you need to express how you feel. She may not realise it but her doing things like waking up the baby, ignoring you etc is really upsetting you. You are a mother now and you need to be supported in parenting - even if she doesn’t agree. She’s allowed to be upset or taken aback when having boundaries being put up but if she doesn’t ultimately handle it with grace and change her approach I would be looking at a childminder until a nursery spot becomes available. sometimes people feel like you doing things differently to them is a criticism of how they did things or perhaps that’s how she was parented when she had you and genuinely not know that she’s being harmful. I think it’s reasonable to give her the benefit of the doubt but if you don’t say anything at all, by the time your child goes to nursery your relationship may have completely broke down.

i do agree with others in that there are some battles you will need to pick and if someone else is going to be looking after your child regularly, it’s probably unrealistic for them to do everything exactly the way you do and there will need to be a bit of flexibility your end too - if Ofc you do still want your daughter to be looked after by your mum

Agree with all the other posters re boundaries and I'd also be worried on a safety level too - she won't respect your rules around that either ie. she didn't give you cut up grapes when you were small so she doesn't feel like she should do it now! (As a potential example). It's not worth the risk in my opinion.

It quite commonly causes unrest when everyone moves up a generation ie you become a mum and your DM becomes a grandparent, and everyone is adjusting to their new role. I had it to some extent too. My DM is a strong character, and I suppose she was used to telling me what to do and she found it hard to not be the most important character in her grandkid's life.
We are ok now, but thinking back I realise that she was quite badly behaved at times and dishonest too! Luckily I didn't need to rely on her for regular childcare.
In your case, I do fear that your DM will become even more controlling if you allow her to do the weekly childcare, as she will feel that her weekly duty gives her opinions even more weight.
I guess it'll be hard to tell her if you don't want her to do that childcare anymore... Perhaps start planting the seed now ie keep mentioning how you might get the 4th day at nursery.
Good luck, and be as firm as you can - it'll all help her to see you as a strong mum rather than her little girl who needs help.