DS moved back in and I'm fed up

[BoostWar]

I don’t even know where to start really. I feel like I’m at breaking point with DS, he’ll be 17 next month. I’ve got two younger DC as well (7 and 8) but they’ve got a different dad to eldest. Might be relevant might not.

It’s been years of problems with eldest, I honestly blame a lot of it on his dad. We split before DS was even born, his dad was horrible to me, emotionally abusive, a liar, into drugs at one point and very misogynistic. Growing up DS was actually really sweet but when he hit about 12 he suddenly wanted to live with his dad. Before that his dad was unreliable, always cancelling, then telling DS it was my fault and that I was stopping contact, so I was the bad guy.

He went to live there and literally overnight it felt like I lost him. School phoning me all the time about behaviour, I had to tell them he wasn’t with me anymore. He refused to see me and when he did open his mouth it was just sexist racist homophobic crap which is all his dad all over. His dad let him do anything he wanted, no rules at all, and when DS refused school at 14 his dad just deregistered him rather than deal with it. No homeschooling as far as I know, just left him to it. He told DS I didn’t care about him because I had the little ones, while he conveniently forgot he’s got a daughter he doesn’t bother with either.

From July 2023 until May 2024 I barely saw him. I messaged all the time but he either ignored me or left me on read. I found out he was cutting and I tried to get him help, counselling etc, but he flat out refused. He’d randomly message me saying “2 weeks clean” and then vanish again. I also found out he’d been drinking and smoking weed. One time he stayed here and went for me, actually hit me, I called police but they just told him I was doing my best and left it at that. He was 14 then. Younger two were at their dads thank god. Not the first time he’d kicked off like that either.

He was supposed to start at a 14-16 college to do GCSEs last Sept but it all went wrong. From what I’ve heard he was self harming in the toilets and they said it was a safeguarding risk. I don’t know if they kicked him out or if he just stopped going, his dad never said and I had no contact with the college because his dad had control of everything then.

Fast forward and he’s been back living with me since July. No idea what happened with his dad because he won’t talk about it and I’ve got zero contact with ex because he still sends me vile messages whenever he gets the chance.

It’s been chaos since he moved back. Younger boys have been shoved in together so DS has his own room. I tried to get him into college but he has no idea what he wants to do and the only place nearby is the same college as last year, they won’t take him back. So he’s basically at home all day. Sleeps till 2 or 3pm, then hogs the Switch on the living room TV even though he’s got a PS5 in his room. I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small. He moans at the little ones if they so much as ask to play the Switch, tells them to shut up constantly. He claims it’s his even though I bought it for the younger two to share.

I’m walking on eggshells constantly. If I say anything he blows up, if I don’t say anything he takes the piss. I don’t know what to do anymore. There's more info but this is long enough

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I hope someone Will come with some Wise words - I dont have any. It must be so hard 🌺

Ok, a few things

• it sounds like you've had a really rough time of it, as has he. I really wouldn't spend your time working out who is to blame here, as it will prevent you both (ie. You and son) from taking responsibility for the way you respond to how things are. I'd go so far as to say that you need to accept that having him in your home means you will both need to function differently, and to only consider this a viable arrangement if you feel you can.

- I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small.
This is the kind of difference I mean. You didn't have to buy him a TV, you chose to buy a TV (albeit because you felt pressured) for someone who has demonstrated that he's not capable of showing appropriate gratefulness or appreciation for what it's cost you. I 100% agree that behaviour shouldn't be allowed to continue consequence-free, but responsibility for the IMPACT of that situation is on you. Should he pressure you to buy a TV? absolutely not. Can he force you to do so? No. So take a look at the things that you can address by putting boundaries in place, and put them in early. Don't wait until he's complaining about the TV you bought him to address his behaviour, you need to find those early pinch points and figure out how to use them to implement your expectations.

• practical things - I'd be buying a lockbox for the switch. It doesn't belong to him, so don't leave it out for him to access and certainly not abuse his brothes over. Write up a contract (chat gpt is helpful) that he needs to sign if he wants to access the switch - acknowledge it belongs to you, no attempts to access without your permission, he can have X hours per day between A and B times if he has spoken respectfully to his gf family/done 30 mins job searching etc. keep things clear and achievable for him, you're looking to build clarity and success. Don't overreach at this stage - you can add in more later as he succeeds. Write in a review date where you will both review how it's going. He signs the contract as do you - one copy in main living area and bedrooms. DON'T use contract to manipulate, bargain, persuade. Once you have both signed it, the contract does the work. Make sure you keep to it in both directions - both witholding access or giving access according to his choices.

• money - you may want to consider whether he has access to a small allowance (just enough to make him want to work for more 😂) which he earns through contributing to the household. Again, the contract does the work - NOT you bargaining, negotiating, pleading, explaining. Some kids really benefit from paid work outside the home too - it's possible that paid work alongside an achievable educational goal might be more of a motivator than just education.

• support - have a think about who can support you both. Is there someone who will give him a call every so often to say hi, and who you can also ask to help address big issues further down the line. We've put together a team for one of our kids, and if/when we have a big behavioural incident, one of them will call him a few days later to express concern for him and talk through his plan for how he's going to put it right. It's like care, concern and accountability all rolled up into one. I know you've said his father isn't in the picture, but perhaps wider family, friends, community group leaders etc. it's humbling to ask but people very often want to help.

. I've had to learn you must parent the child in the way they need, not the way you want to parent. for so many years I wanted to parent my child in a very reasonable, flexible, 'give and take' kind of way. This is perfect for some of my kids. But one of mine isn't that kinda kid, and when I attempted that approach with him it it was awful - I was resentful, angry, sad because it was so one-sided and my contribution was so scorned and unappreciated. I now have much clearer expectations of him, and if he doesn't meet them then he doesn't get what he wants - there is little to no flexibility with that. There's still a warm, kind relationship between us, but he doesn't achieve his goals or get privileges. And because of that, he's learning responsibility for himself and learning to give back far more than if I had kept trying to be 'giving' and flexible.

Please don't interpret this as a criticism - it's a hard path and there is very little real-world, pragmatic support. He is very lucky to have you, and you him - however hard it is at the moment. There will be a way through.

That must be awful, is the father of your youngest living with you too and can help? Or are you alone parenting the three? I hope you have the support of another adult as this is such a hard situation to navigate. Obviously you need to establish that he can't play the switch all the time in a shared space, and if he's living there he needs to be honest with you about things plus if he doesnt know what he wants to do in college, while he decides he needs to find a job.

Its a real shame he isn't trying to have a sibling relationship with his younger brothers, I really feel for you with the burden you have wanting to care for all of them. For now it sounds like you do need to lay out to him, look I'm so glad you're back and you have a home here, but I need you do be more considerate to everyone in the household because its not just your home.

Him saying the switch is his when it isn't btw is so childish and that could he nipped in the bud, consoles in bedrooms only for him as an adult, is he even playing child friendly games to play round his younger siblings?

Army is what guys like this need to kick the nonsense out of his head.

Why did he go and live with his dad at 12, and still at an age where you could prevent that, when you knew how awful the man was?

It sounds like family therapy would benefit you, him and his siblings.Alot of trauma, and resentment that needs working through.

However, he does still need boundaries, like with the consoles, otherwise by always giving in to him he will become increasingly disrespectful towards you and likely girlfriends in future too.

What the hell.....horrible comment.The poor boy has clearly been abused by his horrible father and is likely very traumatised.Not 'nonsense' by any means.Harsh discipline from the army and further distance from his family is NOT what he needs.

I did feel forced into buying the TV.

I'm not with the younger 2’s dad, we split before youngest turned 1, and they weren't that close anyway. DS would say he wasn't his dad when he tried to make an effort.

Unfortunately you probably aren’t going to like what I have to say but you’re expecting him to act like a responsible adult when he’s had zero examples of responsible adults and has never really been parented.

your post sounds a bit woe is you and how hard your life is but this boy who was left with a man who clearly didn’t give two shits is self harming the ultimate call for help and your focus is on how much switch time he has.

He needs professional help and intervention, college isn’t really a priority right now and you need to remember he’s your son as well and he was left to live with some one who you admit yourself was absuive so perhaps have a little empathy for him.

He was 12, even if I went through the courts by 12 he would've been given a say so I couldn't stop him going. DS was abusive towards me.

Apprenticeship, job, army, something. He needs a purpose. Don't enable the staying in bed, playing games etc. You have a chance here to make a real change and help him find a path to support himself. He won't like you for it at first, but it's the best thing that you can do.

There’s also the navy or the RAF. The structure can sometimes be the making of people like your DS.

I really feel for you and understand that if he wanted to live with his DF at 12 the Courts would listen to his wishes.

Is he getting any support for his self harm? Thus book is supposed to be good

Oh gosh, this is a horrid situation. But take a deep breath - I think this could pass if you have patience. Your DS sounds like he desperately wants to be grounded in some way. Give that to him and I’m hopeful things will slowly change.

He's really not had a good experience living with his dad. He's only been with you since July and needs time. Personally I think it's so important that he feels loved and wanted and the rooms thing for the youngest is not the important issue here. BUT obviously he does need to respect you all - it's unacceptable for him to be rude and disrespectful. The self harming is a big worry. Has he had treatment for that? I would get him to see someone professionally ASAP.

Poor lad has had an awful time. My heart goes out to him

What outside help have you had? I know ss are not always much help when they’re as old as your ds but it’s definitely worth asking them for some help not least as if he is violent it’s a safeguarding risk for your younger ones.

Is he still self harming, again it’s going to be an uphill struggle but you need to try and access any help before he turns 18 and falls through the gaps.

I agree access to the switch needs to be denied/controlled.

Does he have access to money? He needs to start job hunting.

would he consider home schooling to get a couple of GCSEs which could then access an apprenticeship.

Don’t let the current situation impact on your younger ones.

The Services are not rehab centres for dysfunctional teenagers. It's quite difficult to get in, and they certainly won't take anyone who does not want to join.

Slurple has brilliant advice, please follow it, wish I had such good advice when I was going through similar.

I'd make it quite clear that whilst he believes you have to put up with his behaviour as he has no where else to go, this is not in fact the case. He could be made homeless and have to find himself a young persons homeless supported living type set up... they really suck, I know!

Be clear about the rules - but make them something you can actually stick to and follow through on!

Also be clear on what support you can give him - if he really wants to learn something useful, he can do so with simply the aid of the internet and libraries to start with - but he has to want to.

I do wish people would stop recommending the military as a solution - it's only a solution if the kid actually wants to join up! If they don't, it is a waste of everyones time, and the forces do not actually want depressed, violent, out of control kids to 'rehab' on behalf of their parents!

You are the adult op, and his mother. You need to draw a line under past behaviour and give him a fresh start. He is so young.

Pack the other two off to their fathers, sit down with a coffee or lunch with ds and really tslk. Be understanding and non judgemental. Kind and loving.

He is a victim of abuse as well, and it’s worse for him because he is a child, andit’s a parent, you can’t just leave or divorce a parent that you are forced to rely on.

Give him sound ground rules. Up before 10am. Switch for two hours max a day. Help him find a job or an apprenticeship. Get some support re cutting. Be willing to give him a second chance. Hug him - tell him you love him. Don’t hold the past against him.

There is a window of opportunity here op, you can turn this around with some help. He has his whole life ahead of hm, please take some time to really support his next steps.

used to be the ‘princes trust’ - they do a lot of confidence and job seeking / employment things for young people - really good if they are in your area.

https://www.kingstrust.org.uk

I don't think they would take him with his self harm history either. That's a pretty big no no.

So he is 17 now. He left when he was 12 - so 5 years ago when your younger two were, what, 3 and 2? And their father had until recently been living with you at that point? And his own dad never actually lived with him prior to him moving there at 12? How much contact did they have over the years? When he ‘suddenly’ decided to move and live with his father, what made him take that decision? Why did he suddenly want to move out of your house at that point?

i agree 100% with the poster who said you are unreasonable to expect your DS to act like an responsible adult when he’s has zero examples of one in his life so far. He’s has one shitty father who didn’t even stick around long enough to see him born. Then after he had 10 years with you being ‘sweet’, you met / lived with the man who is the father of your second and third children. You say he ‘tried to make an effort’ with your DS1 - how much of an effort? From a guy who didn’t stick around long anyway? And all you can say is ‘Might be relevant might not.’ I’d say that the choices you have made - to have more children, to bring an adult man into his life / home that he ‘wasn’t that close to anyway’ - have hugely impacted his life and are really, really relevant,

I know I’ve been harsh to you. But unless you take responsibility for your what has happened in your son’s life, and you stop blaming him for things he has had very little control of, you aren’t going to be able to help him. He’s been cutting himself for fucks sake! That is a massive cry for help.

he is at a really vulnerable stage. He’s nearly an adult now and full of confusion. I have a 17 yr old son, he’s a great kid and lucky that he’s had a completely stable upbringing and a kind, loving dad. But I can see he’s making decisions about the kind of man he wants to become and how easily influenced he could be. Your son, who is full of anger, sadness, confusion, pain and has had no good male role models to speak of, is now living in a house where he is the top dog, so to speak, and you are already giving in to him because what? You fear his anger? Physical threats? Who’s in charge at the moment - him or you?

And this thread is why we have such a big problem with MH amongst young people in this country. There is such ignorance. The kid is mentally ill. He is self harming and self medicating because he isn’t well. Goodness what he has gone through at is dad’s, there may well be trauma involved. He is not going to be able to sign up and follow through contracts , locked boxes , army or anything else. He needs to get well first. He has been trying as the texts re being clean for two weeks indicate. 27 is so young to be doing it alone and brains aren’t fully developed until 25 so these are difficult years anyway.

So I’d talk to him about being there to love and support him to get well, then go to your GP and explain that he is self harming,self medicating and out of education. Ask for a referral to MH support and if there is any other support out there . Sadly you’ll probably get very little but get him on the referral list. Then look at charities ( parental peer support or support for young people),try to get some money together for some private therapy but research carefully. Explain to him that he needs help to move forward.

I’d explain to him that he can get his life back on track and there is a lot waiting for him but he needs to get well. Start looking at courses he could go on next year when he’s well so he has something to aim for ( GCSEs?). Then try to set up a gentle routine. All my dc could cope with to start was therapy, a bit of volunteering and a walk each day. Try to get something to get up for and out every day if you can but it may take time.

Thinking of you as this is so hard when you have so little support or the help he needs.