DS moved back in and I'm fed up

[BoostWar]

I don’t even know where to start really. I feel like I’m at breaking point with DS, he’ll be 17 next month. I’ve got two younger DC as well (7 and 8) but they’ve got a different dad to eldest. Might be relevant might not.

It’s been years of problems with eldest, I honestly blame a lot of it on his dad. We split before DS was even born, his dad was horrible to me, emotionally abusive, a liar, into drugs at one point and very misogynistic. Growing up DS was actually really sweet but when he hit about 12 he suddenly wanted to live with his dad. Before that his dad was unreliable, always cancelling, then telling DS it was my fault and that I was stopping contact, so I was the bad guy.

He went to live there and literally overnight it felt like I lost him. School phoning me all the time about behaviour, I had to tell them he wasn’t with me anymore. He refused to see me and when he did open his mouth it was just sexist racist homophobic crap which is all his dad all over. His dad let him do anything he wanted, no rules at all, and when DS refused school at 14 his dad just deregistered him rather than deal with it. No homeschooling as far as I know, just left him to it. He told DS I didn’t care about him because I had the little ones, while he conveniently forgot he’s got a daughter he doesn’t bother with either.

From July 2023 until May 2024 I barely saw him. I messaged all the time but he either ignored me or left me on read. I found out he was cutting and I tried to get him help, counselling etc, but he flat out refused. He’d randomly message me saying “2 weeks clean” and then vanish again. I also found out he’d been drinking and smoking weed. One time he stayed here and went for me, actually hit me, I called police but they just told him I was doing my best and left it at that. He was 14 then. Younger two were at their dads thank god. Not the first time he’d kicked off like that either.

He was supposed to start at a 14-16 college to do GCSEs last Sept but it all went wrong. From what I’ve heard he was self harming in the toilets and they said it was a safeguarding risk. I don’t know if they kicked him out or if he just stopped going, his dad never said and I had no contact with the college because his dad had control of everything then.

Fast forward and he’s been back living with me since July. No idea what happened with his dad because he won’t talk about it and I’ve got zero contact with ex because he still sends me vile messages whenever he gets the chance.

It’s been chaos since he moved back. Younger boys have been shoved in together so DS has his own room. I tried to get him into college but he has no idea what he wants to do and the only place nearby is the same college as last year, they won’t take him back. So he’s basically at home all day. Sleeps till 2 or 3pm, then hogs the Switch on the living room TV even though he’s got a PS5 in his room. I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small. He moans at the little ones if they so much as ask to play the Switch, tells them to shut up constantly. He claims it’s his even though I bought it for the younger two to share.

I’m walking on eggshells constantly. If I say anything he blows up, if I don’t say anything he takes the piss. I don’t know what to do anymore. There's more info but this is long enough

I also have a 17yr old ds going through similar, also a few of his friends too. They all seem to need a lot more parenting in the later teens and seem lost. At the moment mine has a pot washing job that has given him some structure, may be you could go round some pubs and ask if they need a kitchen porter just to give your ds a purpose. I know it's hard OP and you're frustrated but you'll get there with him

You don’t love you child ? I can understand not liking his behaviour, but not loving him - nah. I’m sure he picks up on this, which will make it all worse.

..and yea I’ve been through it, the destruction, the violence, the refusing help, the silent treatment etc etc.

I told me Daughter I loved her, every single day.

Being a parent is tough, especially with a child with MH issues, and Trauma issues.

Sounds like he needs a good male role model. Cant undo the bad parenting he’s had all these years, it’s not his fault he’s been allowed to do whatever he wants with no rules no direction.

at this point you need external help. GP?

ive heard that martial arts and boxing clubs can be good for young men like yours. Is that worth trying?

Why do you think he wanted to move out at 12?
Why do you think he is aggressive, angry, uncaring?
Why do you think he has been self harming and being so self destructive?

you put a lot of effort into describing his awful behaviour and your reasons not to love him: I can’t see much reflection on your part as to why and how he has got to this point.

You need to stop hanging blame on what happened between you and your ex on you son who even if you don’t view as a child now deffo was then. Get yourself therapy but stop blaming him.

unlike other posters I believe you when you say you don’t love him, it drips from everything you say. Do him a favour and get social services and youth services involved saying you can not house or have a relationship with him any more because he deffo will pick up on the fact you resent him and are causing further damage.

Please don’t have more children until you’ve been to therapy to deal with past traumas and learnt that kids are for life not just until they don’t turn out how you like

He did reluctantly agree to go to college and do his maths and english. But we went to the college he was at previously and they said he couldn't go back to that one as he'd previously been removed off of the course and they couldn't guarantee he'd attend and work, they also told him he had to study something alongside his GCSEs which he was unhappy about and ended up storming out the meeting after they said he couldn't go back. There are further ones and he's already said he's not going, I would have to apply for a bursery for a free bus pass and I don't want to go through all that and him not go, it's a waste of the colleges time and funding too.

I don't love him, if I posted on here about a partner throwing things and hitting me and being verbally abusive posters would be much different. I shouldn't have to just put up with this

OP this sounds unbelievably hard but it's all about you. You haven't once asked what you can do to help him. You do realise that helping him, helps you all?

I think one of the key things is her refuses to go to school at 14.

Students mainly refuse due to undiagnosed SEND or anxiety.

Its not a waster of time or money to apply for a bus pass or send him to college. He’s entitled to free education until 19. Even if he drops out.

Maybe all he can cope with is maths and English atm.

He had many excuses about school, he didn't like the teachers, he didn't like the lessons, he couldn't be bothered etc. He's never been diagnosed with any SEND, I don't disagree he has mental health issues but he doesn't want help so there's nothing I can do, and that isn't an excuse to be violent.

He's already said he won't go to colleges further away so it will be a waste of time applying for a place and a bus pass.

I don't even have a partner so not sure about the “don't have any more kids” comment.

Social services also won't take him into care or get involved due to his age.

My ND Dd refused all help ( typical of the condition)

I unashamedly used bribery. It worked like a charm.

I can't afford bribery, and he's had enough things recently with the new TV.

I'm not having him ruin my younger childrens childhood, they don't deserve to be around this. He's just got up and told them to shut the fuck up because they're making normal noise for a child in their room, they're not shouting or screaming. They're playing and giggling and kids do

Hi OP,

No actual advice but there may be some helpful resources in this article:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/06/my-child-would-use-anything-as-a-weapon-the-parents-who-live-in-fear-of-their-offspring

You don’t love him! Is that what you feel?

Did you work after having your children? Have you ever had a job? Contributed to society?

You worry he will mess up your younger children’s future. Again, no responsibility taken by you.

What were your academic results at school? Work? What sort of role model are you to your children?
You have failed to answer these questions.

What have any of those things got to do with anything? If the OP had a PhD and a job in GCHQ would you think she then didn't deserve to be treated like this?

@WatchingTheDetective this is about the fact OP takes no responsibility for the way her DS is and says she doesn’t love him.

It would be interesting to see if she has had the responsibility of holding down a job to support herself and her children or if she has just been on benefits and not working?

Nobody deserves to be abandoned and given up on especially her own son by his own mother!

Because of how aggressive he was before I did feel forced into buying the tv, it's unhelpful posters telling me I wasn't. You weren't there. If this was a partner it’d be different but oh because he's my son it doesnt matter.

NO-ONE is saying it doesn't matter. NO-ONE.

I AM saying that there needs to be a multi-prong, multi-step approach to his behaviour that includes:

• steps to protect you and your children
• an influential and supportive community - if you don't have one then you need to develop one
• steps to minimise opportunities for bad behaviours
• steps to communicate consequences for abusive behaviour
• reflection on your part of what good is missing from his life, and how can you both build it in? I don't mean electronics, though access to those may be part of it. I mean exercise, rewarding, meaningfully work, positive relationships, community involvement and accountability, him feeling useful and appreciated
• reflection on your part of how you might be able to enact boundaries, defer conversations to avoid escalation, what things might you need to let go of for now in order to address everyone's emotional and physical safety.

You/he did not get here overnight, and it won't be addressed easily or quickly either. My biggest recommendation is that you build a community who can/will be involved as quickly as possible in resisting intimidating and hostile behaviour. Look into the NVR approach - it has had a tremendous impact on the hostile and tyrannical behaviours I have experienced in my own home. The biggest barrier to this approach is not the child's behaviour (because it doesn't require their co-operation) but the parent's willingness/ability to ask for help and keep asking for support.

You don't say if he is currently physically aggressive towards you - is the physical aggression current or historic? It's not insignificant, even if it is historic, but again it will just influence how you approach him around this. If he is physically aggressive, as opposed to 'just' verbal, you will need to get many more people physically into your home to resist this behaviour and provide a strong, authoritative and supportive presence. However this may be a good idea regardless.

Uh…lots of posters are telling OP it doesn’t matter, she deserves it, and she is not allowed to self protect. There have been a few sterling and useful posts but most have put the boot in.

OP I think you need to get SS involved, they won't take him into care but they can get him access to youth workers who can be very good to have and work with him over time. I'd get into contact with your LA and ask if they can get that for him.

In terms of practical steps you need to get keep your boundaries but also show him you care, he can sense the feelings you have for him. Give him set times or screen time limits for technology, there are some which are automatic and they just turn off, so look into those. When he vapes, take all of them and bin them, hand them into a shop like Tesco where they recycle them, stop giving him any extra money, I would sign him up for any youth clubs, or any volunteering roles, as well so that hopefully he can have more time and not get involved with people he shouldn't. Then I'd be sorting out your younger DC's, I'd be taking the switch off him when he stays on too long etc. Follow through on what you say you'll do. It must be very difficult but you need to be consistent and try and get help from other services to support you and him.

This is such a well thought out and helpful post.

Get rid. You and your younger children deserve better.

OP, you are obviously really struggling but there has been some good advice here. I think that you do love him because you’re seeking advice.

He’s a confused teen, who’s had years of his Dad’s neglect. It will be a very slow start but you can build a relationship again.

He’s probably feeling rejected by his Dad and frightened of losing you too. His siblings clearly have your love and he’ll be worried that they’ve replaced him.

Have you asked him how he feels things are going and how he thinks things can improve? Try some really small, achievable steps that he suggests (he may not actually suggest them but try to get him to think it’s his idea!).

Would he teach his siblings how to do something or play a game with them? Would he help you plan a meal? Try some really small things and good luck.

Really feel for you OP - this is very difficult and it’s a long, tough road. Given that you say you don’t love him, I think it would be pretty impossible to create any change as he sounds like a child (albeit a big one) who is crying out to feel loved and belong. If you are happy to say you don’t love him, he probably knows this as well, just like he knows you do love his younger siblings so being in your house isn’t doing either of you any good.

I assume you’ve already explored the possibility of him staying with someone else so my best suggestion would be to contact social care again and see if there is anything they can offer in terms of either parenting support or homeless accommodation for your son. They have a duty to house homeless 16/17 year olds, often in places like the YMCA where children like your son often get further involved with drugs and “friends” looking to exploit him and his vulnerabilities.

In an ideal world, what your son needs is unconditional love, acceptance and therapeutic parenting (google Sarah Naish) to recover from the trauma he’s clearly experienced either before or after living with his dad. Sadly that’s not something you can offer right now so your son is effectively on his own with it all which is sad but, as you said, you have younger children you can hopefully protect from the impact of this so that may be the only place you can focus your efforts.

You really have two options @BoostWar

Either you help him - which may mean finding ways he can home school himself, easing him back into education gradually... putting in boundaries, having proper talks with him etc etc..

Or you kick him out to fend for himself.

The alternative if you pick neither of these, is that he stays in your home, abusing you and your younger children, until he is legally an adult, and then fixing things or getting rid of him will be infinitely harder to do. You may end up with the younger children removed from your care, and growing old with an adult son who won't leave.

Think hard about what you want - I really can't believe you don't love your little boy on some level, I can absolutely believe you do not love his behaviour, and do not like who he currently is.

It is very likely he thinks he has no options left to him now, is seriously depressed, is spending his time out doing who knows what at night and sleeping all day to escape from life.

He's been let down badly by his father all his life, and the only person he now has to rely on is you.

Sorry OP but why did you leave your child at 12 go & live with his father who you knew was no good In the first place ????