Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DS moved back in and I'm fed up

88 replies

BoostWar · 12/09/2025 21:26

I don’t even know where to start really. I feel like I’m at breaking point with DS, he’ll be 17 next month. I’ve got two younger DC as well (7 and 8) but they’ve got a different dad to eldest. Might be relevant might not.

It’s been years of problems with eldest, I honestly blame a lot of it on his dad. We split before DS was even born, his dad was horrible to me, emotionally abusive, a liar, into drugs at one point and very misogynistic. Growing up DS was actually really sweet but when he hit about 12 he suddenly wanted to live with his dad. Before that his dad was unreliable, always cancelling, then telling DS it was my fault and that I was stopping contact, so I was the bad guy.

He went to live there and literally overnight it felt like I lost him. School phoning me all the time about behaviour, I had to tell them he wasn’t with me anymore. He refused to see me and when he did open his mouth it was just sexist racist homophobic crap which is all his dad all over. His dad let him do anything he wanted, no rules at all, and when DS refused school at 14 his dad just deregistered him rather than deal with it. No homeschooling as far as I know, just left him to it. He told DS I didn’t care about him because I had the little ones, while he conveniently forgot he’s got a daughter he doesn’t bother with either.

From July 2023 until May 2024 I barely saw him. I messaged all the time but he either ignored me or left me on read. I found out he was cutting and I tried to get him help, counselling etc, but he flat out refused. He’d randomly message me saying “2 weeks clean” and then vanish again. I also found out he’d been drinking and smoking weed. One time he stayed here and went for me, actually hit me, I called police but they just told him I was doing my best and left it at that. He was 14 then. Younger two were at their dads thank god. Not the first time he’d kicked off like that either.

He was supposed to start at a 14-16 college to do GCSEs last Sept but it all went wrong. From what I’ve heard he was self harming in the toilets and they said it was a safeguarding risk. I don’t know if they kicked him out or if he just stopped going, his dad never said and I had no contact with the college because his dad had control of everything then.

Fast forward and he’s been back living with me since July. No idea what happened with his dad because he won’t talk about it and I’ve got zero contact with ex because he still sends me vile messages whenever he gets the chance.

It’s been chaos since he moved back. Younger boys have been shoved in together so DS has his own room. I tried to get him into college but he has no idea what he wants to do and the only place nearby is the same college as last year, they won’t take him back. So he’s basically at home all day. Sleeps till 2 or 3pm, then hogs the Switch on the living room TV even though he’s got a PS5 in his room. I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small. He moans at the little ones if they so much as ask to play the Switch, tells them to shut up constantly. He claims it’s his even though I bought it for the younger two to share.

I’m walking on eggshells constantly. If I say anything he blows up, if I don’t say anything he takes the piss. I don’t know what to do anymore. There's more info but this is long enough

OP posts:

Askingforafriendtoday · 13/09/2025 19:18

ColinVsCuthbert · 12/09/2025 23:22

Apprenticeship, job, army, something. He needs a purpose. Don't enable the staying in bed, playing games etc. You have a chance here to make a real change and help him find a path to support himself. He won't like you for it at first, but it's the best thing that you can do.

Edited

But how would OP force him to get up and do these things? Genuine question because they're good suggestions

PotatoLove · 13/09/2025 21:19

I'm sorry OP, sounds like a difficult situation for both you and your DS.

independentfriend · 13/09/2025 21:22

Children's Services will care if he is posing a risk to the younger children. Arguably the vaping is a physical health risk itself. I don't know if vaping materials are a fire hazard. His language and behaviour towards them is emotionally abusive notwithstanding that he's still a child.

You may need to consider making him homeless - this should lead eventually to him getting some sort of supported accommodation for single young people.

You also have the option of reporting everything aggressive - throwing things may well be criminal damage for example, to the police. The risk of doing this is that you can't control the police response.

You aren't powerless. These two things are nuclear options but they may be all that remains when talking isn't working.

If he does move out you can still support him from a distance- he can come for dinner / you can visit him perhaps without the younger children. There may be all sorts of stuff to unpick around him moving to his dad at 12 but at this point the priority has to be everybody's safety and it's not clear it's safe for him to be living with the younger ones.

IndigoBluey · 13/09/2025 21:52

@SmellsLikeVictorysuch a hard agree with this. Your DS has never known proper discipline. I feel for you but honestly you need to focus on your younger DC, otherwise a pattern occur if they think it is OK to be walked over / a child overruling the parent

ImGoneUnderground · 13/09/2025 23:46

Wow, so sorry, you sound like you are at the end of your tether & it sounds so difficult & complex - no easy 'fix' - there are such very good and also some unhelpful comments here - it doesn't sound like he is getting into trouble outside the home (ie criminal activities)? (Except the previous 'weed' episode??).

He sounds so kind of 'lost'. But he is still a child.

I think Slurple nailed most of it with great advice.

Do you have a 'Band of Brothers' group locally? - help for teenage young guys from experts, who have mostly been through very tough times themselves, (homelessness / drugs / crime / gangs etc) & understand what he has / may be going through.
Does he have any goals at all, or does he not believe its possible for him to achieve anything, or that it would be / could be possible & in his best interests to change his life? Even in small ways?
Can your other children maybe spend some time away with relatives, even just for a weekend, to enable you to spend some real time alone with your son, and maybe connect again?
Even in small ways, as a start. Make a meal together, ask him to help you with something - put up a shelf, ask his advice / just talk generally, not focussing on his bigger issues, or all the apparent problems when he was with his father? (That sounds like a deeper dive, maybe to let him talk about it when ready).

It seems like he has so much introverted anger that he doesn't know how to deal with at this age. Sorry, not much help, easy to sit here & make suggestions, not so easy to actually do - but you DO love him, himself, just not the way he is just now, otherwise you wouldn't be here, genuinely asking for help & advice. Good luck, please update? (Everyday if you want to) xx🌹

Peacepleaselouise · 14/09/2025 00:05

Did you love him as a young child? When did you feel you stopped?
Children who don’t feel loved very often do end up behaving this way and I imagine he knows you don’t feel the same way about him as his siblings. What a sad situation.

OwlBeThere · 14/09/2025 00:11

Slurple · 12/09/2025 22:01

Ok, a few things

it sounds like you've had a really rough time of it, as has he. I really wouldn't spend your time working out who is to blame here, as it will prevent you both (ie. You and son) from taking responsibility for the way you respond to how things are. I'd go so far as to say that you need to accept that having him in your home means you will both need to function differently, and to only consider this a viable arrangement if you feel you can.

- I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small.
This is the kind of difference I mean. You didn't have to buy him a TV, you chose to buy a TV (albeit because you felt pressured) for someone who has demonstrated that he's not capable of showing appropriate gratefulness or appreciation for what it's cost you. I 100% agree that behaviour shouldn't be allowed to continue consequence-free, but responsibility for the IMPACT of that situation is on you. Should he pressure you to buy a TV? absolutely not. Can he force you to do so? No. So take a look at the things that you can address by putting boundaries in place, and put them in early. Don't wait until he's complaining about the TV you bought him to address his behaviour, you need to find those early pinch points and figure out how to use them to implement your expectations.

practical things - I'd be buying a lockbox for the switch. It doesn't belong to him, so don't leave it out for him to access and certainly not abuse his brothes over. Write up a contract (chat gpt is helpful) that he needs to sign if he wants to access the switch - acknowledge it belongs to you, no attempts to access without your permission, he can have X hours per day between A and B times if he has spoken respectfully to his gf family/done 30 mins job searching etc. keep things clear and achievable for him, you're looking to build clarity and success. Don't overreach at this stage - you can add in more later as he succeeds. Write in a review date where you will both review how it's going. He signs the contract as do you - one copy in main living area and bedrooms. DON'T use contract to manipulate, bargain, persuade. Once you have both signed it, the contract does the work. Make sure you keep to it in both directions - both witholding access or giving access according to his choices.

money - you may want to consider whether he has access to a small allowance (just enough to make him want to work for more 😂) which he earns through contributing to the household. Again, the contract does the work - NOT you bargaining, negotiating, pleading, explaining. Some kids really benefit from paid work outside the home too - it's possible that paid work alongside an achievable educational goal might be more of a motivator than just education.

support - have a think about who can support you both. Is there someone who will give him a call every so often to say hi, and who you can also ask to help address big issues further down the line. We've put together a team for one of our kids, and if/when we have a big behavioural incident, one of them will call him a few days later to express concern for him and talk through his plan for how he's going to put it right. It's like care, concern and accountability all rolled up into one. I know you've said his father isn't in the picture, but perhaps wider family, friends, community group leaders etc. it's humbling to ask but people very often want to help.

. I've had to learn you must parent the child in the way they need, not the way you want to parent. for so many years I wanted to parent my child in a very reasonable, flexible, 'give and take' kind of way. This is perfect for some of my kids. But one of mine isn't that kinda kid, and when I attempted that approach with him it it was awful - I was resentful, angry, sad because it was so one-sided and my contribution was so scorned and unappreciated. I now have much clearer expectations of him, and if he doesn't meet them then he doesn't get what he wants - there is little to no flexibility with that. There's still a warm, kind relationship between us, but he doesn't achieve his goals or get privileges. And because of that, he's learning responsibility for himself and learning to give back far more than if I had kept trying to be 'giving' and flexible.

Please don't interpret this as a criticism - it's a hard path and there is very little real-world, pragmatic support. He is very lucky to have you, and you him - however hard it is at the moment. There will be a way through.

This is such a great post! I’m going to implement some of these things with my youngest

WallaceinAnderland · 14/09/2025 00:23

If he's violent or aggressive towards you call the police. This will help in 3 ways. Firstly it teaches him that there are consequences for his actions. Secondly the police will back you up and spell it out for him. Thirdly, if it keeps happening agencies that can help him will become involved.

And actually, a fourth reason is that your younger children will also learn that they cannot treat you like that when they are older.

Hopingtobeaparent · 14/09/2025 07:29

BoostWar · 13/09/2025 11:20

Social services also won't take him into care or get involved due to his age.

Surely SS would have to if he is a threat to you, but especially to the younger 2?

I have a friend who ended to refusing to have her daughter back after another self harming episode and trip to hospital to protect her son… awful but was necessary for him. Maybe made easier as daughter was out of the home, that was her window of opportunity.

Protect your younger 2….

ocelot3 · 14/09/2025 08:46

Nestingbirds · 13/09/2025 05:04

You are the adult op, and his mother. You need to draw a line under past behaviour and give him a fresh start. He is so young.

Pack the other two off to their fathers, sit down with a coffee or lunch with ds and really tslk. Be understanding and non judgemental. Kind and loving.

He is a victim of abuse as well, and it’s worse for him because he is a child, andit’s a parent, you can’t just leave or divorce a parent that you are forced to rely on.

Give him sound ground rules. Up before 10am. Switch for two hours max a day. Help him find a job or an apprenticeship. Get some support re cutting. Be willing to give him a second chance. Hug him - tell him you love him. Don’t hold the past against him.

There is a window of opportunity here op, you can turn this around with some help. He has his whole life ahead of hm, please take some time to really support his next steps.

This. It is horribly hard for you especially when you have had little support yourself. But this is your moment and his chance. You will have to be the person setting clarity and structure as he hasn’t had this through the key teenage years. (My DS1 could and would have gone this way if he had gone to live with his dad.) Teenagers need clear boundaries and structure imho despite their kicking and screaming against them, to feel safe, and this young man hasn’t had them. Perhaps find an online family counsellor or friend who can support you but also share your views of the way forward to gain some strength to do this.

Minglingpringle · 14/09/2025 11:20

Love him. He’s been messed up by his childhood. This is a golden last-minute opportunity to salvage some happiness for him for the rest of his life. Because currently he’s on a path to self-destruction.

Love him unconditionally and let him know you always wanted him, you still want him and you’re there for him to help him turn his life around.

Most teenagers can be pretty revolting and he will inevitably be worse than most. Don’t let how infuriating he is blind you to his unhappiness inside.

Be a calm, authoritative leader and don’t let him harm your younger children or you, but love him and keep going.

Kerrie1973 · 14/09/2025 13:23

BoostWar · 13/09/2025 11:26

I can't afford bribery, and he's had enough things recently with the new TV.

I'm not having him ruin my younger childrens childhood, they don't deserve to be around this. He's just got up and told them to shut the fuck up because they're making normal noise for a child in their room, they're not shouting or screaming. They're playing and giggling and kids do

This is domestic abuse. Read these links and see if you can get some external help...and huge hugs: Femicide Census says more mums killed by sons than by strangers - BBC News https://share.google/AOKB1nwZzPr8mDc1T. And CAPVA | Respect https://share.google/P8Vg2amK4pajkuwsc

MerryUmberHedgehog · 14/09/2025 16:54

I think you need some support dealing with this. It's all very well saying that showering with love (as I read in someone's post) will work. It won't. He is potentially a danger to you and your younger children. They will start behaving towards you like he does. He needs to leave. He will soon be an adult. Is he likely to find work and pay you rent?
Im speaking from experience here. Doesn't mean you dont love him but I'd be contacting Social Services to ask for help.

Flip

1 2 3 4