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Original poster

DS moved back in and I'm fed up

88 replies

BoostWar · 12/09/2025 21:26

I don’t even know where to start really. I feel like I’m at breaking point with DS, he’ll be 17 next month. I’ve got two younger DC as well (7 and 8) but they’ve got a different dad to eldest. Might be relevant might not.

It’s been years of problems with eldest, I honestly blame a lot of it on his dad. We split before DS was even born, his dad was horrible to me, emotionally abusive, a liar, into drugs at one point and very misogynistic. Growing up DS was actually really sweet but when he hit about 12 he suddenly wanted to live with his dad. Before that his dad was unreliable, always cancelling, then telling DS it was my fault and that I was stopping contact, so I was the bad guy.

He went to live there and literally overnight it felt like I lost him. School phoning me all the time about behaviour, I had to tell them he wasn’t with me anymore. He refused to see me and when he did open his mouth it was just sexist racist homophobic crap which is all his dad all over. His dad let him do anything he wanted, no rules at all, and when DS refused school at 14 his dad just deregistered him rather than deal with it. No homeschooling as far as I know, just left him to it. He told DS I didn’t care about him because I had the little ones, while he conveniently forgot he’s got a daughter he doesn’t bother with either.

From July 2023 until May 2024 I barely saw him. I messaged all the time but he either ignored me or left me on read. I found out he was cutting and I tried to get him help, counselling etc, but he flat out refused. He’d randomly message me saying “2 weeks clean” and then vanish again. I also found out he’d been drinking and smoking weed. One time he stayed here and went for me, actually hit me, I called police but they just told him I was doing my best and left it at that. He was 14 then. Younger two were at their dads thank god. Not the first time he’d kicked off like that either.

He was supposed to start at a 14-16 college to do GCSEs last Sept but it all went wrong. From what I’ve heard he was self harming in the toilets and they said it was a safeguarding risk. I don’t know if they kicked him out or if he just stopped going, his dad never said and I had no contact with the college because his dad had control of everything then.

Fast forward and he’s been back living with me since July. No idea what happened with his dad because he won’t talk about it and I’ve got zero contact with ex because he still sends me vile messages whenever he gets the chance.

It’s been chaos since he moved back. Younger boys have been shoved in together so DS has his own room. I tried to get him into college but he has no idea what he wants to do and the only place nearby is the same college as last year, they won’t take him back. So he’s basically at home all day. Sleeps till 2 or 3pm, then hogs the Switch on the living room TV even though he’s got a PS5 in his room. I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small. He moans at the little ones if they so much as ask to play the Switch, tells them to shut up constantly. He claims it’s his even though I bought it for the younger two to share.

I’m walking on eggshells constantly. If I say anything he blows up, if I don’t say anything he takes the piss. I don’t know what to do anymore. There's more info but this is long enough

OP posts:
SunnySideDeepDown · 13/09/2025 06:56

Ymiryboo · 12/09/2025 22:35

Unfortunately you probably aren’t going to like what I have to say but you’re expecting him to act like a responsible adult when he’s had zero examples of responsible adults and has never really been parented.

your post sounds a bit woe is you and how hard your life is but this boy who was left with a man who clearly didn’t give two shits is self harming the ultimate call for help and your focus is on how much switch time he has.

He needs professional help and intervention, college isn’t really a priority right now and you need to remember he’s your son as well and he was left to live with some one who you admit yourself was absuive so perhaps have a little empathy for him.

Show quote history

Exactly this. Poor parenting has caused your sweet boy to go through a lot of trauma. He needs help, really help. You, as his parent, are responsible for arranging and encouraging this.

You sound emotionally switched off OP. What’s going on here? Do you love him? Why did you take such a backseat in his life? You knew he was unenrolled at school, why didn’t you fight harder to raise this as a huge risk for your son?

ComfortFoodCafe · 13/09/2025 07:09

When the youngest go to their dads, you need to sit him down and have a proper talk the pair of you.m get down to the nitty gritty, and see what can be done to help your son. Hes had no positive parenting for five years, thats a long time. You need to reopen the channel of communication without him shouting/swearing and see what he wants to do in life. The worse thing he could of wver of done was live with his dad. Poor kid most likely has a lot of trauma from his dad, thats not on you as he wanted to live with him but now is the time to reassure him and try and get things back on track.

Muffsies · 13/09/2025 07:10

Anon501178 · 12/09/2025 22:16

What the hell.....horrible comment.The poor boy has clearly been abused by his horrible father and is likely very traumatised.Not 'nonsense' by any means.Harsh discipline from the army and further distance from his family is NOT what he needs.

Show quote history

Actually the army (any of the armed forces) teach comradery and self-respect, they build you up with encouragement, it's not all harsh discipline. But I agree that this kid is not in a stable mind set to be able to cope with being in the armed forces yet.

ComfortFoodCafe · 13/09/2025 07:11

SunnySideDeepDown · 13/09/2025 06:56

Exactly this. Poor parenting has caused your sweet boy to go through a lot of trauma. He needs help, really help. You, as his parent, are responsible for arranging and encouraging this.

You sound emotionally switched off OP. What’s going on here? Do you love him? Why did you take such a backseat in his life? You knew he was unenrolled at school, why didn’t you fight harder to raise this as a huge risk for your son?

Show quote history

Yes - thats a good point. Why didnt you fight to get him back into school op? Please dont say you just let him get on with things :(

beAsensible1 · 13/09/2025 07:16

Slurple · 12/09/2025 22:01

Ok, a few things

  • it sounds like you've had a really rough time of it, as has he. I really wouldn't spend your time working out who is to blame here, as it will prevent you both (ie. You and son) from taking responsibility for the way you respond to how things are. I'd go so far as to say that you need to accept that having him in your home means you will both need to function differently, and to only consider this a viable arrangement if you feel you can.

- I had to buy him a TV as well because that room used to be DS7’s so it didn’t have one. I said I couldn’t afford it but ended up giving in and he still complained it was too small.
This is the kind of difference I mean. You didn't have to buy him a TV, you chose to buy a TV (albeit because you felt pressured) for someone who has demonstrated that he's not capable of showing appropriate gratefulness or appreciation for what it's cost you. I 100% agree that behaviour shouldn't be allowed to continue consequence-free, but responsibility for the IMPACT of that situation is on you. Should he pressure you to buy a TV? absolutely not. Can he force you to do so? No. So take a look at the things that you can address by putting boundaries in place, and put them in early. Don't wait until he's complaining about the TV you bought him to address his behaviour, you need to find those early pinch points and figure out how to use them to implement your expectations.

  • practical things - I'd be buying a lockbox for the switch. It doesn't belong to him, so don't leave it out for him to access and certainly not abuse his brothes over. Write up a contract (chat gpt is helpful) that he needs to sign if he wants to access the switch - acknowledge it belongs to you, no attempts to access without your permission, he can have X hours per day between A and B times if he has spoken respectfully to his gf family/done 30 mins job searching etc. keep things clear and achievable for him, you're looking to build clarity and success. Don't overreach at this stage - you can add in more later as he succeeds. Write in a review date where you will both review how it's going. He signs the contract as do you - one copy in main living area and bedrooms. DON'T use contract to manipulate, bargain, persuade. Once you have both signed it, the contract does the work. Make sure you keep to it in both directions - both witholding access or giving access according to his choices.
  • money - you may want to consider whether he has access to a small allowance (just enough to make him want to work for more 😂) which he earns through contributing to the household. Again, the contract does the work - NOT you bargaining, negotiating, pleading, explaining. Some kids really benefit from paid work outside the home too - it's possible that paid work alongside an achievable educational goal might be more of a motivator than just education.
  • support - have a think about who can support you both. Is there someone who will give him a call every so often to say hi, and who you can also ask to help address big issues further down the line. We've put together a team for one of our kids, and if/when we have a big behavioural incident, one of them will call him a few days later to express concern for him and talk through his plan for how he's going to put it right. It's like care, concern and accountability all rolled up into one. I know you've said his father isn't in the picture, but perhaps wider family, friends, community group leaders etc. it's humbling to ask but people very often want to help.

. I've had to learn you must parent the child in the way they need, not the way you want to parent. for so many years I wanted to parent my child in a very reasonable, flexible, 'give and take' kind of way. This is perfect for some of my kids. But one of mine isn't that kinda kid, and when I attempted that approach with him it it was awful - I was resentful, angry, sad because it was so one-sided and my contribution was so scorned and unappreciated. I now have much clearer expectations of him, and if he doesn't meet them then he doesn't get what he wants - there is little to no flexibility with that. There's still a warm, kind relationship between us, but he doesn't achieve his goals or get privileges. And because of that, he's learning responsibility for himself and learning to give back far more than if I had kept trying to be 'giving' and flexible.

Please don't interpret this as a criticism - it's a hard path and there is very little real-world, pragmatic support. He is very lucky to have you, and you him - however hard it is at the moment. There will be a way through.

This is really good advice OP.

sometimes we can’t parent the way we want but in a way a child needs. It might not be in your personality to naturally parent in a more firm and inflexible way. But he sounds as if you both need it.

Ja1ap1n0 · 13/09/2025 07:17

ComfortFoodCafe · 13/09/2025 07:11

Yes - thats a good point. Why didnt you fight to get him back into school op? Please dont say you just let him get on with things :(

Show quote history

Because if safe guarding are involved and he’s self harming in the loos there is very little fight back over 16 in FE colleges.

Ja1ap1n0 · 13/09/2025 07:18

beAsensible1 · 13/09/2025 07:16

This is really good advice OP.

sometimes we can’t parent the way we want but in a way a child needs. It might not be in your personality to naturally parent in a more firm and inflexible way. But he sounds as if you both need it.

Show quote history

Not when a child is ill. I think it’s pretty bad advice and illustrates a lot of ignorance re MH. He is unwell and needs to get well first. He loves love, kindness and support not contracts he won’t be able to keep to and locked boxes.

AgnesX · 13/09/2025 07:19

SmellsLikeVictory · 12/09/2025 22:08

Army is what guys like this need to kick the nonsense out of his head.

Oh right....the right place for an unstable teen. Full of weapons and how to kill people 🙄

beAsensible1 · 13/09/2025 07:28

Ja1ap1n0 · 13/09/2025 07:18

Not when a child is ill. I think it’s pretty bad advice and illustrates a lot of ignorance re MH. He is unwell and needs to get well first. He loves love, kindness and support not contracts he won’t be able to keep to and locked boxes.

Show quote history

You can have love and support with clear defined firm Boundaries? He needs structure and guidance AND mental health support. Getting him to agree to rules of the household that he shares with 2 young children is basic.

They can sit down with the father and work out the rules that work for their circumstances. But allow him to bully the smaller children for consoles is not ok.

structure and routine are important to managing MH and addiction. He cannot sit around with no clear guidance alone with his thoughts to spiral. He needs brought into the family fold.

Laundrywitch · 13/09/2025 07:29

It is a shit situation but, trying to appoint blame between his DD, him and you is pointless.

Now you have to focus on being the parent and show him you won’t give up on him again.

He is self destructing and lashing out because it’s all his parent’s fault he has ended up this way.

Do you work? Have you ever had a career? Does his DD work and ever had a career? What role models between you and his DD does he have to emulate?

Ja1ap1n0 · 13/09/2025 07:31

beAsensible1 · 13/09/2025 07:28

You can have love and support with clear defined firm Boundaries? He needs structure and guidance AND mental health support. Getting him to agree to rules of the household that he shares with 2 young children is basic.

They can sit down with the father and work out the rules that work for their circumstances. But allow him to bully the smaller children for consoles is not ok.

structure and routine are important to managing MH and addiction. He cannot sit around with no clear guidance alone with his thoughts to spiral. He needs brought into the family fold.

Show quote history

You can lecture all you life, lock things up and force contracts but it’s meaningless if he’s as unwell as he is. He is self harming! You’re focusing on the wrong battles. He can’t hear it.

Redhotspicywine · 13/09/2025 07:35

Your poor son. I really think you need to take some accountability, he left at 12 years old to live with an abusive man? Just after you'd had two other kids. Think about how he must have been feeling.

Now he's come home after god knows what trauma over the last few years and you really sound like you just don't like him at all.

I think therapy for the two of you is a good place to start, he needs help and love and support for his mental health. You may well need this too, which you deserve, but try not to let DS see how much his presence back home is stressing you.

Can you also try and think of some ways for the three children to bond? This 'them and us' narrative isn't helping.

I'm sorry you're finding it so hard but I do think you need to step up here, accept responsibility for some bad choices that have left your son in this position and then move forward with love and grace towards him and yourself.

Ja1ap1n0 · 13/09/2025 07:40

Redhotspicywine · 13/09/2025 07:35

Your poor son. I really think you need to take some accountability, he left at 12 years old to live with an abusive man? Just after you'd had two other kids. Think about how he must have been feeling.

Now he's come home after god knows what trauma over the last few years and you really sound like you just don't like him at all.

I think therapy for the two of you is a good place to start, he needs help and love and support for his mental health. You may well need this too, which you deserve, but try not to let DS see how much his presence back home is stressing you.

Can you also try and think of some ways for the three children to bond? This 'them and us' narrative isn't helping.

I'm sorry you're finding it so hard but I do think you need to step up here, accept responsibility for some bad choices that have left your son in this position and then move forward with love and grace towards him and yourself.

Support for you as a family is a good idea. Can you contact your younger children's’ schools, voice your concerns re them and ask for Early Help, you can sometimes get free therapy via that.

Coffeeforbreakfast88 · 13/09/2025 07:52

SmellsLikeVictory · 12/09/2025 22:08

Army is what guys like this need to kick the nonsense out of his head.

What?!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 13/09/2025 08:07

Your LEA will have a NEET service ( not in education or employment) they’ll help him sort out what to do.

Ymiryboo · 13/09/2025 08:21

Muffsies · 13/09/2025 07:10

Actually the army (any of the armed forces) teach comradery and self-respect, they build you up with encouragement, it's not all harsh discipline. But I agree that this kid is not in a stable mind set to be able to cope with being in the armed forces yet.

Show quote history

Yes with intense discipline in basic training. You’ve either not experienced it or you’ve forgotten phase one.

The point is mute any way as you have to be mentally stable to join and have the motivation to join yourself

ComfortFoodCafe · 13/09/2025 08:26

You need to be in a good mind set to join the military. It can be traumatic - nobody comes back the same after being sent out to war, trust me.

ExtraOnions · 13/09/2025 08:31

Getting his mental health is the number one priority .. above everything else. It would be hard to move on, until that is sorted.

PPs are right, sit down with him, tell him you love him, that you are on his side, and that you want to work with him to get this sorted

When DD had her MH crisis, she was about 15 (it was related to undiagnosed ASD), just
saying “I’m on your side” made a massive difference.

There was no school or college for 3 years, then a year of college, then leaving .. and now she’s started college again (fingers crossed!).

You can get through this.

Slurple · 13/09/2025 08:51

BoostWar · 12/09/2025 22:21

I did feel forced into buying the TV.

I'm not with the younger 2’s dad, we split before youngest turned 1, and they weren't that close anyway. DS would say he wasn't his dad when he tried to make an effort.

Forced how? Can you elaborate?

I'm concerned that if you continue to blame him for your choices, and won't understand the difference between his responsibilities and yours, you won't be able to make any progress here.

You are responsible for your responses to his behaviour - for example setting boundaries around his access to your money and what you spend it on. Would you like him to be someone who is grateful for what he has? absolutely. Did you spend that money, despite the fact there is plenty of evidence that he doesn't yet behave in that way? Yes you did, and that's on you. And, because you did so, you now have choices about what to do with that TV. I'm really happy to help you think about what that might be, if you think it would be helpful.

I know what it's like to live with someone whose bad behaviour dominates the home, and where their vitriol and hostility can be astonishing. However, I also know that I must parent that child, and that I am responsible for setting down boundaries and protections that minimise the impact on others and also demonstrate to my child the consequences of his behaviour. I am responsible for minimising the opportunities he has for emotional and relational (and physical) damage and destruction, and responsible for making sure there are consequences in place for when that does happen. Again, there are a number of ways you can approach this depending on the behaviours, but it has to start with your willingness to see that he isn't responsible for everything in this scenario, and that he cannot control or constrain your responses.

ThePeachHiker · 13/09/2025 08:55

How much physical contact can he deal with? If you give him a hug is he responsive? I work with young people and they have told me that physical affection is given in childhood but withdrawn in teenage years. Try saying do you want a hug/cuddle ? Once a day a first then next build up to twice a day.

Slurple · 13/09/2025 09:24

Ja1ap1n0 · 13/09/2025 07:18

Not when a child is ill. I think it’s pretty bad advice and illustrates a lot of ignorance re MH. He is unwell and needs to get well first. He loves love, kindness and support not contracts he won’t be able to keep to and locked boxes.

Show quote history

He does have some degree of MH difficulties, that's clear. But there's clearly a difference between what you and I think 'love, kindness and support' actually like in real life.

I think it is loving and supportive to sit down with a child, communicate that you don't want them to stay in this distress forever and that you, as their parent, are responsible for limiting the opportunities they have to self-destruct and treat people badly. Because I GUARANTEE you that being allowed to verbally abuse his family is DREADFUL for his MH, and he will NOT get better if it is allowed to continue.

I also did clarify, perhaps you didn't read it, that the contract should be entirely achievable for him. The big goal here is to build success into his life, and to help him make the connection between reward and self-control, helping him in turn to learn that he is responsible for his behaviour, MH difficulties or not. The contract should not be an attempt to cover all family difficulties, just ones relating mostly to the switch or electronics. If that's what's most important to him right now, that's where you start.

This young man has been through some profound trauma, but so often the narrative from adults around these young people is that because trauma has played a part, it is therefore to blame for all their behaviours and very little should be expected from them because of it. But honestly, this is catastrophic for them. No-one expects them to grow into people who take responsibility for themselves, and expect so little of them and for them. Do I expect my children, who are disabled and have experienced profound trauma, to behave the same as their non-disabled, non-trauma-experienced peers? Absolutely not. Do I expect them, with the love and care and support of family and community, to take responsibility for themselves and how they choose to behave? Yes I do.

Original poster
BoostWar · 13/09/2025 09:56

Before DS moved to his dads he was meant to see him every other weekend, more in holidays but he'd cancel last minute then blame me for not allowing them to see each other. Over time DS believed him and wanted to move in with his dad, we were seeing each other initially but he then started refusing to come at weekends or even do things out of the house just me and him. When we did see each other he'd spend the whole time being sexist and racist. He’d also make homophobic comments about random men if we were out in public, not to them but he'd tell me they were the f slur etc. I tried to stop him but nothing would work and I couldn't really punish him as he wasn't living with me so there wasn't a lot I could do.

He was abusive towards me, he threw things at me like the TV remove, shower gel etc and he was verbally abusive and he hit me and I did report that but again the police told him I was trying my best and didn't do anything. He just stopped speaking to me after that.

Because of how aggressive he was before I did feel forced into buying the tv, it's unhelpful posters telling me I wasn't. You weren't there. If this was a partner it’d be different but oh because he's my son it doesnt matter. He was back here for about 2 weeks and went to his friends house and refused to come home, the boys mum said she didn't mind him staying but he didn't respect the house, he'd pee all over the toilet and not clean it up, leave crumbs everywhere and the kitchen in a mess. He’d hint to me they were smoking weed and drinking in the garden but the boys mum they weren't because she doesn't allow it

I tried to get him therapy then and even family therapy but he wouldn't and he still won't. He stays out until god knows what time which is why he sleeps all day. He vapes in the house and leaves it lying around in the living room, he's controlling of the switch and tells my younger 2 to shut up when they try to speak to him and want to play (I didn't even buy it for him), he leaves the bathroom in a state. So no, I don't love him

OP posts:
Original poster
BoostWar · 13/09/2025 10:17

My ex did try and make an effort with him, he'd offer to take him to the cinema and out on his bike etc but DS would refuse because ex wasn't his dad. They did get along but they weren't particularly close

OP posts:
Inlimboin50s · 13/09/2025 10:18

You don't love what he does but ofcourse you love your boy. He just needs showing how to respect the home and some kindness. Tell him you want to start fresh and shower him with love and he will respond

LondonLady1980 · 13/09/2025 10:27

Are you scared of him OP?

You said he’s been violent towards you in the past, are you scared he will go for you again if you don’t give into him?

it’s fair enough people making all these suggestions about how to manage it in a ‘gentle’ way, but I’m not sure how that works in reality if the 17 year old is a person who has been physically aggressive to you in the past and that you’re still scared of, especially if there are younger children in the house.

I imagine he wouldn’t take too kindly to the Switch being locked in a cabinet. I’m guessing he wouldn’t just accept it and would be more likely to react in a way that could potentially be very frightening for you.

I really feel for you OP.