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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not speaking to MIL

93 replies

sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 13:12

Please tell me if IABU

A while a go my husband asked his mother if she could look after our 15 month daughter for a few days as my husband was going to be out of town, on business, on the days I work. She agreed. It was just for during the day while I was working.

Closer to the time she informed me she had now agreed to look after her friends cats to allow them to go on holiday. She said she felt sorry for the cat to have a stranger look after him (the cat's owner was going to get a house sitter). This was in another town around 1 hour away therefore she couldn't watch our daughter anymore. She didn't forget she just obviously thought this was ok.

I don't have any other family therefore, I was left stuck and had to take time off work.

I don't expect anyone to look after my daughter for me, but it's the fact MIL agreed and then let my daughter, husband and myself down for a cat.

To make it worse when she was looking after the cat she had her other young grandchildren up staying with her but never offered my daughter.

I felt very hurt by this and felt angry/hurt for my daughter. Now I can't forgive my MIL for letting me child down and leaving her out. It makes me question her priorities.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to speak to her again?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/09/2025 13:15

Obviously you are cross and disappointed but not speaking to her? How long are you thinking? I’d certainly file it in my grudge cabinet and not be up for helping her out any time soon.

what did your DH say to her?

Worriemummy · 12/09/2025 13:15

I’d be fuming and probably wouldn’t speak to her for quite some time.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 12/09/2025 13:16

I wouldn’t not speak to her again, that just makes things more difficult than they need to be. I wouldn’t rely on her for childcare again. And I wouldn’t offer her any similar favours either.

Okrr · 12/09/2025 13:19

I would speak to her but not go out of my way to see her. It is tiring to have to maintain silent treatment. If she ever needs anything from you, just say you can’t on repeat.

AllrightNowBaby · 12/09/2025 13:20

This not speaking thing is not good.
I just keep things in mind.
After saying that I do think it’s poor form what you Mil has done.
Is she a selfish woman?
Was the house she was staying in near the seaside and she thought it more fun than looking after your Dd?
Anyway, she sounds very flaky, so you can’t rely on her again.

Jitterbuggs · 12/09/2025 13:22

I've had similar happen and since it's family I've dialed it right back. It's my husband's sibling so he deals with them 99.99% of the time. I don't interact with them unless I have to (socially, for example) and I don't put myself out for them or expect anything from them. It works for us.

I'm sorry OP - it's rubbish that she prioritized a friend's cat over her grandchild. I guess, at least, you know where you stand.

Dearg · 12/09/2025 13:27

YANBU to not want to speak to her, but honestly that will be exhausting for you.

As pp’s have suggested, take this as a sign that she is flaky and not one to honour commitments, and just disengage from doing any favours for her.

Just deal with her on your own terms, when and if it’s convenient for you.

Original poster
sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 13:28

I think I hurt more for my child than I do myself. I think the fact she had her other grandchildren the day she told me she couldn't look after my daughter makes It worse. It all just seems so wrong and an awful way to treat her granddaughter . Knowing she was being left out is hurtful

OP posts:
smallpinecone · 12/09/2025 13:31

Don’t be so silly.

On what way is that a proportionate or mature response? I’d be annoyed too, but you want to stop speaking to her and make everyone’s lives more difficult than they need to be? Have you considered the impact of that on your DH or your child?

smallpinecone · 12/09/2025 13:33

sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 13:28

I think I hurt more for my child than I do myself. I think the fact she had her other grandchildren the day she told me she couldn't look after my daughter makes It worse. It all just seems so wrong and an awful way to treat her granddaughter . Knowing she was being left out is hurtful

You’re choosing to make this all about yourself, don’t dress this up as concern for your daughter. MIL didn’t do what you wanted her to do, and just so happened to be looking after other grandchildren on the day she told you; you’re extrapolating from that that she doesn’t care in order to justify your not speaking to her. Which will do a world of good to ensure they have a decent relationship, don’t it?

Mydoglovescheese · 12/09/2025 13:35

I would keep any contact to the necessary minimum and let your DH deal with her. If you have to see her for whatever reason be icily polite, so no reason for her to complain about you. Don’t ask her for childcare and keep all these instances in mind when she needs favours!

phoenixrosehere · 12/09/2025 13:42

Had something similar instead it was 10 minutes before leaving to meet up with a couple and asking MIL weeks in advance. Spent most of the time walking a toddler around an empty part of a restaurant to keep him occupied while DH had other child in his lap. It was obviously too late to cancel and the other couple who MIL knows drove out of their way to come meet us for dinner. We were 10 minutes down the street.

Still talked to MIL but I stopped putting in any extra effort since. I show my face for half the time we’re there and the other time DH takes the kids without me.

I make plans with people, I keep them. If I can’t manage or think I’m going to struggle, I say no, simple.

Original poster
sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 13:49

@phoenixrosehere Imagine if then your MIL had her other grandchildren over staying after she let you down. It's not easy to forget.

If it was me who was being treated differently I would just brush it off and not think much off it but because it's my daughter being left out it upsets me for her. I know she's too young too realise right now

OP posts:
Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 12/09/2025 13:50

Now you know where you figure in her priorities leave any relationship between her and dh /dd to dh. No need for you to make time for her either..

Original poster
sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 13:54

@smallpinecone "do what I wanted her to do" What's that? keeping to her word and caring for her grandchild? You would be ok with letting someone think it's acceptable behaviour to prioritise a cat over their grandchild. That's concerning. We clearly have different values and priorities when it comes to our children

OP posts:
JDM625 · 12/09/2025 14:03

How old is your daughter? What has your DH said? Has be brought it up with MIL?

Youreshitimnot · 12/09/2025 14:06

Let me guess, the other GC are her daughter's?

I absolutely swear I will not treat my (future!) GC different regardless of them being from DD or DS.

smallpinecone · 12/09/2025 14:06

sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 13:54

@smallpinecone "do what I wanted her to do" What's that? keeping to her word and caring for her grandchild? You would be ok with letting someone think it's acceptable behaviour to prioritise a cat over their grandchild. That's concerning. We clearly have different values and priorities when it comes to our children

I said it would have annoyed me too.

But it’s a childish response to stop speaking to her because of it, and totally self defeating; you can’t claim to want your daughter to have a good relationship with her grandmother yet do things that prevent that.

Original poster
sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 14:22

@smallpinecone so your advice to having a good relationship is to not speak up when someone treats you wrong and unfairly? Sorry but I will not have my daughter believing that advice.

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher78 · 12/09/2025 14:24

What did your husband say?

Ilikewinter · 12/09/2025 14:27

What is your DH take on the situation?, has he spoken to his mum about it and the mess it left you in?

LunchtimeNaps · 12/09/2025 14:28

My MiL let us down years ago. First DD was 18 months old and I had to go into hospital to have my second by elective c section. MiL told us the night before she could no longer do it. I never asked her to help ever again. Still speak to her but she was a massive let down and she won't get another chance.

I think not speaking to her is a bit childish. I think it's reasonable for your DH to tell her she let you both down and how disappointed you both are then don't ask her again. She clearly cannot be relied upon.

smallpinecone · 12/09/2025 14:38

sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 14:22

@smallpinecone so your advice to having a good relationship is to not speak up when someone treats you wrong and unfairly? Sorry but I will not have my daughter believing that advice.

You asked for opinions, you’re getting them.

And that wasn’t my advice at all; you’re extrapolating wildly from what I said. Either that or you lack reading comprehension.

Pontificating about what you’d have your daughter believe when you can’t conduct yourself as a mature adult yourself is vaguely amusing. You'll cause more problems than you solve with your approach, but you won’t be the one to suffer for it. Your husband and child will.

Catpiece · 12/09/2025 14:41

I wouldn’t not speak to her but I’d bear in mind what she did

NotToday1l · 12/09/2025 14:43

sunshine240778474 · 12/09/2025 14:22

@smallpinecone so your advice to having a good relationship is to not speak up when someone treats you wrong and unfairly? Sorry but I will not have my daughter believing that advice.

Aside from this incident is she otherwise fine

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